Loss, a big time rush fanfic

"How could we have been so blind?" Logan sighed as he shook in his chair in the hospital waiting room.

"What kind of brothers are we?" Carlos sobbed from his seat.

"We are monsters," I said, my voice cracking. Carlos, Logan, Camille, Jett and I have been sitting in the hospital waiting room for what felt like an eternity, but in reality, it had only been a few hours. We were all in shock that Kendall had attempted suicide and was now fighting for his life.

"Mrs. Knight and Katie are on their way," Camille sniffled as she got off her phone. Momma Knight and Katie had been in Minnesota visiting family.

"W-why would he do this? Why try to overdose on pills?" Jett whimpered. It had still surprised all of us that Jett was here and that he was as broken as the rest of us. We had all believed he hated Kendall.

"I don't know," came Logan's weak reply.

"M-maybe we should read the letter," Carlos's weak voice suggested. We had found a letter on the nightstand in Kendall's room when we found Kendall.

"You're right Carlos. Maybe it can give us some answers while we wait to hear how he is doing," I said as I unfolded the letter and began to read it out loud.

If you are reading this, then that means I finally ended my miserable existence. But I doubt that really matters to any of you. I thought I was your friend. But it turns out all I was to any of you was someone for you to unload all your problems on. Don't get me wrong - I loved helping you all. But just once I wished that someone would see through the mask I wore every day. For someone to be there for me for a change. But it never happened.

At first I could deal with it because at least you guys were still around. But in these last few months, that changed.

Logan, you became so engrossed in Camille that you couldn't think of anyone else. I was happy for you and I still am. I know how much you love her. I just didn't think you'd cut me out of your life. Yesterday was the anniversary of my dad's death, and every year, you would drop everything to spend the day with me and keep my mind off of it. But not this time. I called you twelve times before I realized you weren't going to come. You forgot me.

Camille, I don't want you to blame yourself. Logan is an amazing guy and I don't blame you for wanting him all to yourself. I just wish that you and I could have gotten to know each other a bit better. I have a feeling we could have been amazing friends. But now we will never know. Just promise to take care of Logan for me - he is still my brother.

Carlos, you were the last person I ever thought would abandon me. But just like the others, you did. After that first date with Jennifer, all you focused on was her and how to please her. Did you even realize you had not uttered a word to me for two weeks? Whereas Logan would sit and listen to my happy memories of my dad, you would make it your job to do something stupid to make me laugh again. So after I realized that Logan had forgotten me, I sent you a text - just one text - asking you if you were free to hang out tonight. Do you remember what you replied to me with? "Sorry man. I can't. Busy with Jennifer." Do you know how much that hurt me? But I guess it didn't matter. Just know I sincerely want you to be happy with her. My brothers' happiness has always been the most important thing to me.

Jett, tomorrow would have been an important day for me. It would have been my seventeenth birthday. I had fooled myself into thinking the guys would at least remember that - that they would care enough to just be there for me for that one day. But I realized they wouldn't be there. I had planned to invite you long before I realized they wouldn't be there. I figured now that with Jo gone, you and I could be friends. You see, I realized you weren't really the jerk you tried to be. I heard you talking to your mom one day and that was how I heard about your father and all the hell he had put you and your mom through.

That was why you shut yourself off. You didn't want to get hurt again. I wanted to be there for you to show you it was okay to let others in, and to have friends. Inviting you to my birthday was going to be my first step. But instead of being happy, you laughed. You actually laughed at me, but that wasn't what hurt the most. What hurt me the most was what you said after you composed yourself: "Why would I want to celebrate a mistake?"

I was already in a fragile state and what you said to me made me think that maybe you were right. No one would care if I was gone.

James, like Carlos and Logan, you used to always be there for me on my father's anniversary. Logan would remind me of the happy times, Carlos would make me smile, and you would be my shoulder to cry on once the others were gone. I never wanted the others to see me cry because they would worry too much. You would worry too, but you knew it was what I needed. You wouldn't judge. You would just sit there and let me cry.

I had already struck out with Carlos and Logan being there for me, so I should have expected it from you. But still, I tried. Hoping you would be different. You weren't ever since Cuda offered you a modeling deal. That has been all you care about. "Kendall, whatever it is, I am sure it isn't as important as my photo shoot." That is what you said right before you hung up on me. But you were right. My suffering and planning for my birthday wasn't important.

Being ignored for months by the people you love most in this world hurts. It rips your heart to shreds and makes you feel worthless. But then to have them forget two of the most important days of your life? Well, that kills you.

I was always there for you guys no matter what. Because I loved you. Hell, I still love you. It just hurt to know that I wasn't important enough for you to be there for me.

But I am not mad at any of you. And none of this is your fault. Well, maybe a little. But all you guys did was to help me see what I should have seen all along - that I wasn't worth life.

I hope you all continue to succeed and find happiness. I meant what I said earlier about my brothers' happiness being important to me. I know Big Time Rush will be a success and you will all live your dream. Good bye.

Love, Kendall.

Once I finished the letter I glanced up through my tear filled eyes as my body was racked with guilt and self-hatred. I looked at my gathering of friends in the waiting room and took in their various faces.

Camille and Logan were sobbing and shaking in each other's arms as they mumbled it was their fault.

Carlos was holding onto the necklace Kendall had given him for his birthday as he broke down.

Jett was on the ground with his knees in his chest, crying and wailing how he was a monster like his father.

I felt broken beyond repair. Why was I such a conceited ass? Kendall was the reason I was living my dreams, and I repaid him by pretending he didn't exist. I was a sorry excuse for a brother and a human being.

"I am so sorry," I whimpered as I clutched Kendall's letter to my chest and my mind drifted back to the first day I met him.

~Flashback~

It had been my first day of Kindergarten and I was beyond nervous. My family had just moved here from New York in the middle of the school year. I knew that meant all the other kids already knew each other, so I would be the odd one with no friends. I was at recess sitting by myself at a table when a little boy with blond hair and green eyes wearing a Spider-Man shirt approached me.

"Hi, I'm Kendall," he said as he took a seat.

"James," I whispered ,my shyness taking over.

"Why are you all by yourself?" Kendall asked.

"I don't have any friends," I replied, lowering my head.

"Well I'll be your friend," he said offering me a smile.

"Y-you mean it?" I asked staring at him with hopeful eyes.

"Sure do. From now on we are best friends and I will always be there for you," Kendall said as he gave me a hug.

~End Flashback~

That memory caused me to shatter even more, and I slunk to the floor still holding the letter.

"Knight?" The voice of the doctor pulled me and the rest of my friends out of our thoughts.

"How is he?" Carlos asked.

"Tell me he is okay," Logan stated.

"Please," Camille added.

"He has to be," Jett said, trying to keep himself together.

"We need to apologize," I said ,trying to control my voice.

"I'm sorry. He didn't make it. We tried, but we couldn't save him," the doctor said, giving us all a sympathetic glance. Our world came crashing down at that moment. Kendall was gone, and it was all our fault.

Two weeks. That is how long it has been since we lost Kendall, and in that time, a lot had changed. Jett became a more open and caring person who put others needs first. Carlos realized there were more important things then trying to please a girl. Logan and Camille stopped taking their friends for granted. Momma Knight and Katie moved back to Minnesota. And I stopped being a vain jerk that blows his loved ones off.

Kendall's death made us all open our eyes to the monsters we had been. We would never be able to make it up to him. But we could stop it from happening to another friend.

Today would be the first time we stepped into the studio since we lost Kendall. And we would be performing a song written in his honor.

"You boys ready?" Gustavo asked. He would never admit it, but Kendall's death hit him hard. He had become a lot nicer since the funeral, and he refused to replace Kendall in the band.

"We are," I said as we began to sing our new song.

Do you ever wonder,

when you listen to the thunder,

and your world just feels so small?

You put yourself on the line and time after time
keep feeling inside like they don't know you're alive…
Are you on their mind or just invisible?

But I won't let you fall.
I'll see you through them all.
And I just wanna let you know.

Oh, when the lights go down in the city,
You'll be right there shining bright.
You're a star and the sky's the limit,
And I'll be right by your side.
Oh, you know, you're not invisible to me.
Oh, you know, you're not gonna be invisible.

Do you ever think of,

what you're standing at the brink of?
Feel like giving up, but you just can't walk away.

Night after night always trying to decide,
Are you gonna speak out or get lost in the crowd?
Do you take a chance or stay invisible?

But I won't let you fall.
I'll see you through them all.
And I just wanna let you know…

Gotta look far,

I'll be where you are.
I wish you could see what I see.
So don't ask why - just look inside.
Baby it's all you need.

And I don't understand why you won't
Take my hand and go
Cause you're so beautiful.

And every time that

Oh, when the lights go down in the city
You'll be right there shining bright
You're a star and the sky's the limit
And I'll be right by your side
Oh, you know, you're not invisible to me
(Oh, you know) you're not gonna be invisible

Oh, when the lights go down in the city
You'll be right there shining bright, shining bright
You're a star and the sky's the limit, Sky's the limit, yeah
And I'll be right by your side
Oh, you know, you're not invisible to me
Oh, you know, you're not gonna be invisible

We finished the song, taking a much-needed breath, and then waited for Gustavo to tell us what he thought of it.

"You boys did amazing," Gustavo said as he tried to wipe a tear without us seeing.

"I am sure this will be loved," Kelly said, not hiding her tears.

"Thanks. We wanted to write it to help people who feel like Kendall did," Logan replied.

"We felt that if it could save one person, then that would be great," Carlos said.

"We don't want anyone else to lose a loved one the way we did Kendall," I said as I began to walk out of the sound booth.