A/n: Okay so I will warn you right away that I cried my eyes out writing this thing but it was an idea that had hijacked my brain and refused to let it go until I wrote it all out. It' s utterly depressing and I don't know why I was compelled to write it but I just got the image of the final scene stuck in my head and it was so heartbreakingly beautiful to me that I couldn't get it out of my mind. Sorry if Steve seems a little out of character. I'm also tempted to continue this to show the attempts to cope after this. Hmm...
Disclaimers: Number one, not my character. Number two , slash Danny/Steve, Number three, character death, Number four, very brief mention of assisted suicide like blink and you'll miss it brief, Number five, I am not a medical professional but I do know how to Google.
I was in my early 40s with a lot of like before me when a moment came that stopped me on a dime. I spent most of the next day looking at the xrays and talking about the options and talking about sweet time. -Tim McGraw, Live Like You Were Dying
It was never supposed to happen like this. Never in any of their plans was Steve supposed to outlive Danny. Not that they had planned their deaths but it was always the assumption that if they were going to die young it would be on the job in a hail of bullets or a grand explosion-violent and sudden and all together unfair. It was never supposed to be sitting on the beach in their backyard watching the sunset after months of drawn out pain and suffering. And Danny was never supposed to be the first to go.
It had started out as a little wheeze. Steve had noticed that Danny was having a hard time catching his breath after chasing after a suspect. He had teased him about it, telling him that he was out of shape and calling him an old man. Danny had glared at him and once he could breathe normally proceeded to rant about how not everybody has the super human abilities that Steve did. The wheezing continued and so did Steve's harassing until one frightening incident where Danny couldn't catch his breath and began turning a terrifying shade of blue. He had been taken to the ER where he was treated and diagnosed with asthma and given an rescue inhaler to use in cases of emergency. Steve had thought that had been the end of it until the wheeze became a cough.
Both men had dismissed the cough after first just as they had done with the wheezing. They had figured it was just another symptom of the asthma and they had just learned to live with it as one of his quirks like his flailing hands when he spoke or his long winded rants.
"What is on your shirt?" Steve asked as he yanked Danny's arm over to exam the spot he had seen on his partner's shirt sleeve. "Is that blood? How the hell did you get hurt? We haven't even done anything!" Steve exclaimed.
"I didn't do anything!" Danny quickly rolled up his shirt sleeve but found no corresponding wound to explain the bloody spot. "I don't know where-"His words were cut off by one of his cough spasms and Steve realized in horror where the blood came from.
"Jesus Christ Danny! You're coughing up blood!"
"What?" Danny reached up and brushed his fingers across his lips that were wet with fresh blood.
"Shit." He muttered looking at his red stained fingers.
"When did this start?" Steve asked, trying to quell the panic that was quickly rising his chest.
"I've never noticed it before." Danny replied, seemingly very confused. Steve quickly turned the Camaro around and headed towards the hospital.
Everything had gone to hell after that. The doctors had admitted Danny to the hospital so they could run tests to determine where the blood had come from. Danny was convinced that it was nothing serious, that all of the coughing had just ruptured a few little capillaries and all this fuss was for nothing. Steve wasn't convinced and the longer and more tests that they performed on his partner, the more certain he became that something was seriously wrong. It was one of the few times in his life that Steve had hated to be right.
Small cell lung cancer. A very rare type of cancer usually found in lifelong smokers, made even rarer considering the fact that Danny had never smoked in his life. It was also an extremely deadly form of cancer with only 6% survival rate. Steve could still remember sitting in that hospital room with Danny when they heard the news. It had felt like his mother and father had died all over again and nothing was ever going to make it right.
"I do have to warn you that the odds of beating this thing are extremely low." The doctor admitted solemnly.
"Ya well ask my partner, I'm too stubborn to die. Trust me, he'd know. He's been trying to kill me for awhile now." Danny joked but Steve couldn't laugh or even smile. The doctor looked uneasily between the two men before continued.
"Mr. Williams, you have to understand. Small cell lung cancer is an extremely aggressive form of cancer that has a tendency to spread very quickly throughout the rest of the body. And unfortunately it's almost always caught too late."
"What are you talking about, doc? You can treat it, can't you?" Danny asked, suddenly serious.
"Yes we can treat it with chemotherapy and radiation...but it's not a cure." The doctor declared and Steve felt like someone had just kicked him square in the chest.
"Well can't you just cut out the tumor?" Danny insisted, panic slowly starting to creep into his voice.
"It's not that simple. You have multiple tumors in your lungs and it's already metastasized to your liver. Surgery isn't an option in your case. We can treat your symptoms and make you comfortable but there's nothing we can do cure it." The doctor explained patiently. Steve dropped his head between his knees in an attempt to keep himself from being sick, plus it was a convenient way to hide the tears threatening to pour down his cheeks.
"Make me comfortable? How much time are we talking about here?" Danny asked, still keeping it together somehow.
"Six months...maybe a year depending on how fast it spreads." A choked sob escaped from Steve before he could stop it.
"I'll give you guys some time to process everything we've just talked about and then we can discuss some treatment options later." After the doctor had left, Danny had turned towards Steve and called to him softly.
"Steven," Steve slowly picked his head up, wipe furiously at his face to clear the tears that had betrayed him. Danny patted the side of his bed, beckoning him to come lay beside him. Steve did as told, resting his head over Danny's chest where he could listen to his heartbeat.
"I don't want any treatment." Danny declared as he ran his hands slowly through Steve's hair.
"What are you talking about? You have to-"
"No, babe I don't." Danny corrected gently. "If I'm going to die, I'm not going to do it lying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines too sick to spend time with Grace and you and the team. If I'm going out, I'm doing it on my own terms."
"Okay." Steve agreed. He wrapped his arms tightly around Danny as he started to sob.
The week after Danny had been discharged had been pure hell. The only person who had taken the news well had been Danny. Rachel had broken down into an inconsolable mess and Kono hadn't done much better. Chin had gotten angry and Grace simply didn't understand. After his breakdown at the hospital, Steve had forced himself to compartmentalize his feelings so that he could be the strong one. That was the role that Danny and everybody else needed him to fill for now. He could fall apart later.
The first few months had been okay. Danny was weaker and had begun to lose weight but he was still able to work (although he had started to cut down on how much time he spent in the field) and after the initial shock of it all, everybody had returned to acting relatively normal which was how Danny had wanted it claiming 'I know I'm dying, but I don't plan on doing it today. Save the faces and the puppy dogs eyes for my death bed'. It was enough that sometimes they could convince themselves that everything was okay. And then Steve found Danny on the bedroom floor, unconscious and not breathing, suddenly nothing was okay.
"Pulmonary embolism. It's a common complication with small cell. Thankfully it got trapped in the lung and didn't make its way to his heart or it could have killed him almost instantly." The doctor explained. Steve's stomach dropped at the thought of how close he had come to losing Danny. He wasn't ready. Not yet.
"Is he going to be okay?" Steve asked though it sounded more like begging.
"For now. We were able to remove the clot and stabilize his breathing. The tricky part is going to be getting him off the ventilator. We don't want to keep him on it for too long because the longer he stays on it the harder it becomes to get him off it but we also don't want to risk him not being able to push enough oxygen to the rest of his body. Hopefully as the week progresses we can start to wean him off." Steve let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding and ran a hand over his face as he thanked the doctor.
"You hear that Danno?" Steve asked, leaning down over the rail of the bed to whisper in Danny's ear. "You're going to be okay. It's not time yet. You got to be strong just a little bit longer so they can take this tube out of your throat so we can go home. I know you don't want to be here any longer than you have to."
Danny had spent two weeks in the hospital before he was strong enough to go home to what would become known as Steve and Danny's new normal. Danny was too weak to be able to go back to work full time but he would still come in with Steve on his good days and work in the office. The Governor had been wise enough not to say it to his face but Steve knew that she wanted him to hire somebody to replace Danny on the taskforce (nobody could ever take his place) but Steve didn't have the heart or the willingness to do it while Danny was still living and breathing among them. Eventually though, Danny's trips to the Palace became less and less frequent and he would spend his days outside in his favorite lounge chair on the lanai where he mostly slept. Around this time, Steve took leave to be able to be with Danny full time, soaking up every precious moment he could.
Steve knew the end was coming when one of Danny's lungs collapsed. As he sat there holding Danny while he gasped for every terrifying breath, Steve panicked thinking that was it. That he was going to lose Danny right then and there on the lanai, absolutely helpless to do anything for the man he loved. But Danny had a little fight in him left and had made it to the hospital where they inserted a chest tube to re-inflate the lung for the little good it would do.
"We were able to re-inflate his lung but it's only a matter of time before the other one collapses or this one goes down again. I'm afraid we're nearing the end." The doctor warned though Steve had already figured as much.
"Any idea how long?"
"It's hard to say. It could be today, tomorrow, a week from now. It's anybody's guess." Steve nodded.
"If you take out the chest tube, will it….happen faster?" He asked, not able to put it in words just yet.
"Well I wouldn't recommend it but he should be stable for awhile at least." The doctor replied, clearly confused.
"Then take it out. This isn't the way he wants to go, Doc. He doesn't want to be all hooked up to machines and tubes." Steve replied. The doctor nodded and left to go get the nurse. Steve went to his partner's bedside and ran his hand gently over his head. Danny opened his eyes and looked up at Steve where he could obviously read the message in his eyes.
"I want to go home, Steve." Danny pleaded. Steve leaned down and kissed the top of his head.
"I know Danno. The doctor's going to take the tube out ….and then we're going to go home."
Steve had left the room while the doctor got Danny ready to leave to make the appropriate phone calls. Before they left, the doctor had slipped a small syringe into Steve's hand. "To make him comfortable" he said, looking Steve directly in the eye and the SEAL had gotten the message. Everybody had been waiting for them at the house when they returned from the hospital and they had sat out on the lanai, Danny in his chair and for the afternoon they were able to act like things were normal. But as the sun slowly began to set, Steve and everyone else could see that Danny was starting to fade fast. One by one, everyone began to say their goodbyes.
"How lucky am I to know someone who is so hard to say goodbye to?" Chin said with a smile as he sat next to Danny. "You rest now, brah. I'll take care of the big guy for ya." He promised and leaned down to kiss his friend's cheek. "Aloha bruddah." He patted Danny's arm before standing and heading into the house where the others were. Gracie was the last to go.
"I don't want you to go Danno. I want you to stay here with me forever but you always told me not to be selfish. Steve and Mommy told me that you're tired and that you hurt and I don't want you to hurt anymore. I know you'll always be watching over me and keeping me safe but it won't be the same. I'm gonna miss you so much Danno. I'll try not to cry too much but it'll be really hard. I don't want you to worry about me though. I'll be okay. And I'll take care of Steve for you and make sure he doesn't get to sad." Grace gave her father a kiss and put a hand on his cheek. "It's okay Danno. You can go now."
Steve and Rachel, who had been standing in the doorway the whole time, were barely keeping it together as they watched the little girl say goodbye to her father. Steve lost it though when Danny reached out to touch Grace's face and told her
"Always remember that Danno loves you." He reminded. Grace nodded and Danny closed his eyes as Grace ran to her mother. When it was just the two of them again, Steve carefully sat down next to Danny slightly relieved to still see his chest slowly rising and falling. "I want to go onto the beach." Danny whispered. "Want to put my feet in the water."
"Okay." Steve agreed. He carefully carried Danny down to the water's edge where he sat with Danny tucked up against his chest between Steve's legs.
"You have to promise me something Steven." Danny said, his breathing beginning to labor.
"I promise I'll take care of Gracie." Steve replied.
"You have to promise …..to take care of yourself too….. You have to go on without me... Just because my life is ending …doesn't mean yours has to as well... I don't want you….to become cold and distant…..worked too hard to….open you up….you don't always have to …be the strong one….promise me you'll find….a new partner…."
"Danny I couldn't…."
"Yes you can." Danny insisted. "…even if its Chin…..or Kono…..you have to have…..somebody…..I don't want you….to be alone…and Steve…it's okay…..if you find someone else….it's okay …..to love again…..just don't forget me…"
"Ahh Danno, I could never forget you." Steve confessed, tears freely running down his face. "And I'll always love you. Always."
"Well that….is good." Danny's breathing became more and more labor and Steve knew it was time. "Has the sun….. set yet?"
"Just about."
"Good." Danny closed his eyes and rested his head back onto Steve's chest. "Remember, Danno loves you." He tilted his face slightly towards Steve's and their lips brushed gently as Steve could feel the final breath leave his lover's body.
"I love you too, Danny." Steve sobbed, burying his face into Danny's hair.
By the time the sun had completely set, Danny was gone.