A/N – No more sadfeels after this, I promise/don't promise at all.

Abel's barely said a word the whole trip back to earth, and I dunno if it's because he's nervous or he's pissed off or what. Just want him to say, fuck, anything, but he just keeps quiet, giving me odd little looks when he thinks I'm not looking, like he's confused about something and spending the rest of the time looking out the damn window or at his feet and not saying a word no matter how much I bully him. And then sometimes out of nowhere he'll say something that makes no fucking sense, like now.

"Why'd you join?"

"Huh?"

Keeps quiet for so long think he might have forgotten the question, but then pipes up again, like talking takes all his energy for a while.

"The alliance. Why?"

Ah. Ah, no.

"Fuck, I dunno, I like killing shit? What's it matter anyways."

"Oh"

Pauses. Then-

"Like the Colterons."

Fuck.

"No, not like them."

Just keeps looking out the window. Go to touch his shoulder but flinches away so my hand gets stuck halfway, mid air, wanting to close the gap but falling back to my leg instead. So I put my head in my hands and talk into them, because maybe if it's mumbled Abel won't really hear it.

"Someone died. It was, I did something stupid and they died."

Abel keeps quiet, doesn't press for anything more, figuring it doesn't matter, probably already figured out that I don't matter. Would probably ditch me fast if he couldn't fucking walk straight without someone there to help. Or maybe it's because he killed so many Colterons that dying didn't really seem like such a big deal anymore. We're all dying, just some faster than others.

"It was an accident."

Though it never felt like an accident, it felt like all the fates in the universe were lined up just right to fuck me over. The world is a unfair bitch. Joined the alliance, because I sure as fuck didn't give a damn about living any more, and figured if people ended up dead because of me at least I'd have a war to hide behind. Never planned on wanting to save anyone, never planned on coming out alive. I wasn't supposed to care, but stupid fucking Abel made me, and now he's making me tell him why he should hate everything about me.

"Who?"

"My brother"

Can feel the air stir when Abel turns to look at me and I'm glad I can't see the accusation on his face, on everyone's faces when they find out.

"Cain..."

"Fuck Abel, I fucked up. I fucked up so bad. Every fucking time I fuck up so bad."

Why is it that every time anyone comes near me they get hurt or end up dead or worse?

"Cain, come on, that's not true."

Except it is. My parents, my siblings, Deimos, and now Abel, who's reaching a hand out and settling it on my knee.

"Everyone's flawed. Everything and everyone is really, really messed up and flawed. You're just, you gotta find the ones worth loving anyways."

Keeps his hand there, leaving me wondering if he's stupid enough to think one of those people is me and wishing it was.