Part of the Gang

(Johnny's POV)

My first friend in the gang was Sodapop Curtis, I remember, because he was in my grade. Actually, he was my first friend ever. Sure he lived real close to me and we'd occasionally played football together in the lot, but in the 4th grade was when we really started to pal around.

We'd play together at recess and I met his little brother Ponyboy. Me him and Steve would eat lunch together and play catch with a tennis ball afterwards and talk and laugh until school was over.

Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, because first of all, I rarely ate lunch. I lied to myself a lot back in those days, and I was pretty good at getting myself to believe stuff. So instead of the truth, which was that my mom didn't pack me a lunch and the only food in the house was what my dad brought home in bag or bucket when he remembered, I'd tell myself that I wasn't hungry and I'd eaten such a big breakfast that I was stuffed from it. I'd make believe the pains I got from hunger where the pains of feeling overly full.

Soda didn't really notice too much and Steve wasn't willing to bring it up even though he shot me all kinds of suspicious or even pitiful looks. I was able to ignore it. I didn't like lying to them, but I would if I had to. They wouldn't be friends with me if they knew about my home life.

Another thing was that I didn't really talk or laugh too much either. That was probably why I hadn't made any real friends up until that point, because I was so quiet. That was the thing about Soda though, he didn't seem to mind. He was so happy and pleasant all the time. He seemed to want to see the good in people. I don't know why he doesn't have thousands of friends by now, and I can't even imagine why he'd pick me to hang out with. I'd get scary ideas in my head that someone was playing a prank on me or something, but Soda's way too good-natured to ever pull anything like that.

So when Soda and I were walking Ponyboy home from school one day, his invitation caught me off guard. I'd hardly ever even been over anyone else's house before and I couldn't say I wasn't eager to see where Soda lived and what his parents were like. Still I was reluctant. He hadn't even asked his parents and what if they got mad at him for it? What if they got mad at me?

Now I knew things just fine. I knew that my family was abnormal, that things weren't anything like my house with other people. I knew what my dad did to me was above and beyond what other parents might do to their kids when 'punishing' them. I even knew I hadn't done anything wrong to make him do that stuff to me. If there was one resource I had at my house it was TV…

Another thing they seemed to have no problem overlooking was that I was constantly covered in bruises. It was winter when we started paling around and they didn't really get a chance to see much skin, but still, a black eye every two weeks or so gave me the impression that people thought of me as someone who got into a lot of fights, and if they knew me at all they'd know I wasn't one to start a fight with anyone. Steve and Soda wrestled and all but it was a surprise to see them leave a mark on each other. I wasn't going to question any blessings though, and I'd just as soon start a fight with Soda before bringing up that subject.

"Johnny, you should come over and see my room. Me and Pony got this cool set of bunk beds. You oughta see them! You wanna come over? Maybe you can stay for dinner." Soda seemed more concerned with coming up with ideas of what we could do than what my response was but I figured he was unlikely to take no for an answer.

The remark about dinner didn't go unnoticed though, and since my dad hadn't been bringing any food home in a while; I was getting sick from being so… full…

"Yeah Johnny. I'm sure our folks wouldn't mind." I liked Ponyboy. He was quiet like me most of the time, and he seemed to have a way about him that made me feel like he got me. Sometimes a little more than I was comfortable with. I thought maybe that was what Soda found appealing about me; that I was kind of like his brother.

"Umm." I said, but I guess I didn't really have to respond, so I didn't. I just followed them. When I got to their house I couldn't help but look around at it. It wasn't so different from my house in that it wasn't really in the best shape on the outside, and it was small on the inside. Ponyboy was watching my face with something akin to embarrassment but Soda was just grinning obliviously. "I like your house." I said in a way that wouldn't be confused with sarcasm. I did. There was something there that was absent from my house. There were pictures on the walls. There were drawings and tests and photos on the fridge. Everything was clean – untidy, but sanitary, and the air was free of the scent of alcohol.

Soda's brother Darry was there, and I watched him nervously as he gave me a bit of a smirk. He looked like he could have been a Soc. He dressed nicely and he was big, even for only being in the 7th grade. He looked like he might even work out, or play at sports at school. The only thing that stopped me from backing away was the pleasant look that was on his face. Anyway, I knew better than to judge a person by the way they looked.

Soda showed me his and Pony's room and just like he said, they had bunk beds. That really knocked me out because I'd never seen bunk beds before. I hadn't really known what he was talking about but I didn't want to seem stupid so I'd kept my mouth shut. We'd watched TV for a while. It was 5 O'clock before their mother got home and immediately I sat up a little straighter and watched her reaction carefully.

When she saw me she seemed to perk up a little if that was possible. That kind of made me feel good I guess because I gave her a bit of a smile. She worked like most of the women in our neighborhood and she had her hair up in a messy bun and I liked her immediately. I couldn't say that about just anyone. Barely anyone actually. But her I liked from the start.

"Who is your friend Ponyboy?" she asked and I guess it was because I was so small for my age. Ponyboy blushed red because he realized his mother's mistake. I was really starting to see how bright he was, and how he managed to pick up on things Soda didn't even notice. That said a lot for a seven year old.

"He's my friend Johnny." Soda said grinning at her. "Can he stay for a bit? We're watching a show." He asked.

"Of course he can. It's nice to meet you Johnny."

"It's nice to meet you too, Mrs. Curtis." I replied. I would have settled for a nod if it had been anyone else, but I felt like I had to impress her I guess.

"You'll stay for dinner won't you Johnny?" she asked me a few minutes later and I had to stop myself from nodding eagerly because that was rude of course.

"If that's ok." I said quietly, trying not to draw anyone's attention. It embarrassed me how hungry I was and I didn't want anyone to notice anything abnormal about me. "Thank you."

I turned back to the show a few seconds later only to find Darry, who seemed to be watching me. I guess I wasn't managing to stay below his radar, but when he noticed I realized he was staring he smiled a little. I guess I hadn't done anything wrong.

Soda suggested that we go out and play football before dinner was ready and his brothers agreed so we went out to the lot I'd spent a few nights sleeping in to toss the football around. We didn't have even enough odds to sort teams. I was glad because I had recently started smoking even if I wouldn't let them know about it and probably wouldn't have been able to run well.

There was a moment of awkwardness when Darry threw me a pass and I missed catching it and had it hit me in the face. Darry being such a strong guy, it took me off my feet and I landed on my back. Had it hit me just two inches to the left it would have probably broken my nose, but it only bruised my cheek some. They all rushed forward to make sure I was ok which made me get scared and I curled up in a ball and hid my face but only felt Soda's hand on my shoulder and I looked up dazed and embarrassed to see their shocked faces.

Darry gave me a really sad look and apologized, and then he gave me a look over and smirked a bit. "You must be the toughest nine-year-old I know to take a football to the face and not start bawling!" That probably should have made me feel real good but it just kind of made me feel sad and ashamed.

After that they didn't seem to want to play so much so we went back inside for dinner. Their dad was there and he had that same kind of grin on his face I was so used to seeing on Soda's that it took me a minute to realize that he looked like Darry. In fact it was nearly eerie how similar they looked. I could tell they'd look like brothers when Darry got a bit older.

"Nice to meet you Johnny." Mr. Curtis shook my hand and then looked in concern to see the bruise rising on my face. "What happened to your face, son?"

"Football accident." I told him giving a bit of a sheepish smile. How many times had I used that excuse for me now to actually be telling the truth?

"Gee, do you want something for it?" he asked but I shook my head no. We all sat down to eat and looking around at the happiness of this table I felt a terrible sadness growing inside of me. I knew I should be happy to be sitting here, invited to eat with these nice kind people, but all it did was make me realize that I would never have anything like this. It made me want it so much I nearly started crying but I held it in, remembering how Darry had called me tough. How was I going to explain crying during dinner when I had barely flinched at having a football chucked at my head?

I thought it was going to be really noticeable that I was eating a lot and had almost made myself resolve to eat less than my fill before I realized that the other three boys ate like they were hungrier than I was. Then of course Mrs. Curtis seemed to be piling food on my plate as fast as I could get rid of it. I think she noticed how skinny I was because she didn't do this for her other three children who didn't need any encouragement.

Mrs. Curtis made cake for dessert and when I say I'd never tasted anything as good as that cake I'm not joking. I ate three pieces before Soda noticed I had chocolate smeared all across my face and started giggling and I grew self-conscious. Truth be told he was just as messy but I felt like I was being watched and that made me stop. "They oughta call you Johnny Cake instead of Johnny Cade." Ponyboy said with a bright smile on his face. At least it would have been bright if his teeth hadn't been covered in chocolate.

After we all cleaned up in the bathroom, Mrs. Curtis pulled me aside. "You're parents were okay with you coming over tonight, right Johnny?" I looked up with my eyes slightly wide. I hadn't really considered my parents would have any problem with me not coming home. I'd not come home before and it didn't really cause any problems.

I didn't want to lie to Mrs. Curtis, but I didn't want her to be mad at me for not having told them so I said "They don't mind when I don't come home." which judging by the look on her face had been the wrong thing to say. I smiled reassuringly but she still looked concerned.

"I don't want them to worry about you, Johnny. Maybe you oughta go home and make sure they know you're all right." She looked awfully concerned and I nodded in response.

"Where do you live? Would you like a ride?" I shook my head and told her I lived close enough to walk home. She looked thoughtful before calling Darry and Sodapop over. "Darry, Soda. Will you walk Johnny home?" she asked. Soda looked crestfallen that I would be leaving, but nodded enthusiastically when he heard what she had suggested. Darry also agreed

I, however, was not so thrilled about the idea. I didn't want them to be going anywhere near my house. I didn't even want them to know my address just on the off chance that they be passing by it and hear the screaming arguments that my parents often had. "You don't have to, guys, really. I can walk home by myself."

"Nonsense, they'll walk with you. Soda's gotta work off all that cake he ate anyway." Mrs. Curtis joked before bringing the remainder of the food into the kitchen.

"I'll go get our coats, Soda. You get our shoes." That made me feel uncomfortable as well, because I'd taken neither of those things off.

Mrs. Curtis came out before we were about to leave to tell me she was glad I could come over. " You'll come again, right?" she asked with honest interest. I remember being embarrassed by how much that made me smile, but I nodded all the same.

I thanked her for dinner before I left. Then we set off down the block for my house. The closer we got the slower I walked until I was taking nearly three steps per sidewalk block. Darry looked at me and gave me a concerned look. "You okay Johnny?"

"Yeah… I'm-" But I was cut off as I heard something break in the distance and nearly melted into a puddle. My parents were fighting. The Curtis's were going to hear them.

Soda was looking kind of sleepy but he also looked at me with worry. I realized I had no choice so I started walking again. They didn't seem to notice the noise as well as I did but there wasn't going to be any question about it when I went into the house. They'd know right away.

I stopped a few houses down from my house. By this point my parents were so loud that Soda and Darry had looks of confusion and discomfort on their faces. I looked at them, thinking I'd probably never see them again and wishing I'd be able to give them a proper goodbye but knew that would be too much to hope for. I walked the rest of the way as though on my way to death row and they flashed surprised and dismayed looks when they realized that the noise was coming from the house I was headed for.

Soda looked like he was going to stop me from going inside, but Darry put a hand on his shoulder and stopped him. I gave them both the smallest smile I could muster up and said "Thank you." Before turning around and not looking back. Midway down the walkway to my house the door burst open and my mom saw me and started shouting at me.

"Where in the hell have you been? You were supposed to be home six hours ago. What in the hell is wrong with you, boy?" I froze in place and considered looking back to gage my friend's reactions but I couldn't make myself turn around. I just rushed into the house and my mom followed me walking up the steps to my room shouting at me the whole way.

It took a lot to make me cry most of the time, but this did the trick. I sobbed for nearly a half-an-hour, feeling humiliated and miserable, imagining the questions Soda would ask me at school the next day. How he would try to pretend like he wasn't going to stop being friends with me but making it painfully clear all the same. I imagined him talking to Darry on the way back to their house. Maybe even telling their parents about what they'd heard and saw. I'd looked out the window when I got to the top of the stairs and Darry and Soda were standing maybe a few houses over. Darry was holding Soda who looked distraught trying to calm him down.

My dad came in a bit later having heard me crying. He slapped me around a bit but my mom distracted him by breaking something downstairs and he didn't really get any good belts in. I'd be pretty swollen tomorrow but maybe I could pass it off as the same football injury.

I could barely sleep that night, in part because my parents were so loud but also because I was thinking about how school would be a nightmare. Would Soda tell Steve? Would Steve tell everyone else? Would I be a laughing stock who everyone knew had abusive alcoholic parents? I didn't want to stand out. It was all I'd ever wanted to fit in, with anyone at all just so that I wouldn't be targeted or anything. I knew I was what could be considered the 'greaser' variety of kids, the lowest class who dressed in the crummiest clothes and always looked kinda rough, but that only meant that I would be targeted by the rich kids, not that I would fit in with the other kids.

I didn't want to go into the school the next day but I was already behind so much in my studies I thought I'd probably be held back a year if I stopped going now. There was no use putting it off. The longer I went without seeing Soda the more excuses he'd come up with not to be hanging around with me anymore. Maybe if he realized I was in school he'd think twice before spreading around what he'd learned.

I left once again, walking in the direction of school. Sometimes me, Soda and Ponyboy would meet up when I was passing by his house but I didn't see him today. I was biting my nails all through class, just dreading getting to lunch and having to face Soda. I kept going red just thinking about what people were going to say. I hate how carried away my imagination gets sometimes, but I couldn't help it just then. No one had ever known about how my parents treated me, and I knew how cruel kids were. I knew even if Soda didn't actually do it himself, someone would eventually, and then there would be no end. That was the first time I ever seriously thought about killing myself. The thought immediately scared me, but it made me consider what would happen if I did.

By the time lunch rolled around my fingernails were virtually non-existent and I didn't know what to do with my hands I was so nervous. I thought about just going to the library or even walking home, but I understood that I would feel the same the next day and the next until we had some kind of confrontation about what had happened.

I came down to the lunch table and thought about just pretending like nothing had happened, but knew no one would fall for that. I sat down where we always sat and waited for Soda to come. Steve was all ready there, looking up and giving me a nod and I knew that at least Soda hadn't said anything yet. Soda walked up to the table looking more upset and unhappy then I'd ever seen him before and immediately the first thing I could think of was that I had done that and that I oughta be ashamed of myself.

"Johnny, mind if I have a word with you?" Soda asked me and I tensed like he had drawn back about to hit me but I turned and looked in his general direction and nodded, avoiding making eye contact with him.

We walked down the hallway to the boy's bathroom and Soda made sure all the stalls were clear before locking the door behind him. I dunno who's bright idea it was to put a lock on the inside of a public bathroom, but it seemed pretty stupid to me.

Soda turned towards me and I couldn't look at him, thinking I'd find disgust or teasing on his face. "Johnny, why didn't you say nothing?"

I looked up a bit surprised but then lowered my head, shrugging.

"Really! Why? You know I would have done something about this. Told my parents and made them… I dunno, do something!"

I looked up at him. "There's nothing you can do. There's nothing anyone can do."

"Well you can't go on living there, Johnny!"

"Why not? I've lived there my whole life. Ain't nothing I ain't used to by now. Besides, what's my choice? A boy's home over a little yelling? Seems kinda stupid."

"Ain't just yelling, Johnny. They're… they're the one's who give you those bruises and stuff, right?" He asked like he all ready knew the answer so there was no point in lying.

"Come on, Soda. Don't go tellin no one now. Ain't like anyone'll care anyway, but it'll just get everyone up in a tizzy and I don't need that so much."

"Well I wanted to tell my parents but Darry said not to do that. Said to bring you over after school today cause he wanted to talk to you." I cringed but thought that ultimately better than his parents knowing, and much better than my parents knowing.

"Johnny… man, this ain't right. How long has this been going on?" he asked, looking like he really felt for me. That caught me and I found the pit of my stomach going cold just thinking how weird it was that Soda really genuinely cared.

I shrugged because I couldn't remember when it started. It could have started in the hospital room when I was born for all I knew.

"You'll come over after school today, right?" He asked me, almost like he didn't care if I protested because he'd drag me if he needed to.

I nodded and he kinda smirked a bit. "We better get back to lunch before Steve thinks we fell in or something." He said then flashed one of those grins again. I wanted to follow him and not say anything more but I wouldn't let myself.

"You mean… you mean you still want to be friends with me?" I asked him; slightly shocked but mostly disheartened, thinking I was being made fun of.

"Of course I do, Johnny. Why wouldn't I? You're my buddy." Soda asked curiously.

"I just thought… with you knowing and all… you'd think I was some kind of a dope or something."

"Why?" He sincerely wanted to know but I only shrugged again. "I mean it's not like you did anything. Plus, come on, you're a great guy. You're a lot cooler than most of the people who go here who are always running their mouths about stuff that isn't important. I feel like you talk when you've got something important to say. I dig that about you, Johnny. You'll get along real good with us. You'll be part of the gang in no time."

I smirked after him as he headed out of the bathroom and I followed.