Kiss the Rain
Hello
Can you hear me?
Am I gettin' through to you?
I hate Neu. Asuka, I could tolerate but I hate Neu.
Allow me to explain -- before Neu, Youji was an irritating bisexual who occassionaly made passes at me, flirted with anything in a skirt, a lazy bum who, no matter how good looking he was, I could always shrug off as just that: a lazy bum.
Finding out about Asuka made me redefine him as something slightly more than that: a lazy bum with a past. Okay, maybe I was attracted by lazy bum with a past, but it didn't really matter because he was gone nightly, and I could hide my concern with a mask of irritation and claim he endangered the team with his foolish actions.
After Neu, Youji stopped clubbing.
And Youji stopped joking.
The light-hearted, handsome man I had fallen in love with was gone; the bickering I'd come to enjoy lost to a morose sort of silence, a dark cloud hanging forever over the blond's head.
My definition of Youji fell apart with Neu.
He wasn't a lazy bum. He wasn't irritating. He was surprisingly and completely human; everything I tried not to be. I kept my grief and Ran, the person he would come to know, locked deep inside -- Youji bared his wounds to the world.
I didn't like the new Youji.
But there was no way I was going to tell him.
Cause I'm
Tryin' to explain
Somethin's wrong
Ya just don't sound the same
Why don't you
Why don't you
Go outside
Go outside
I used to enjoy silence; or what I thought was silence; and what I thought was silence was me attempting to read a book while Youji made wry comments, attempted to hit on me, and laughed at my sardonic, biting remarks to tell him to back off.
I didn't like this type of silence; with Youji sitting bonelessly on the couch, alone with his grief. Any comments on my part were accepted with a shrug and a bland nod. I found no refuge in the lack of conversation; conversation I'd told him billions of times before that I hated.
I spent time up on the roof practicing to get away from the unbearable gloom that seemed to settle inside. I know Youji smoked up there sometimes, but lately he hadn't even been smoking.
So when it rained one stormy afternoon, a bad thunderstorm, we decided to close shop early -- it wasn't like any customers were going to come during the storm. I headed silently upstairs, ignoring the way Youji watched me retreat, picked up my katana and my secret stash of cigarettes, before heading out to the roof.
Yeah. I smoke. Sometimes. I don't like it much; and it's no good for my endurance. But every once in a while, I can handle a smoke stick.
Anyway, I went up to the roof and got drenched almost instantly, letting the rain soak through my shirt and plaster my hair to my face. At one point, I stopped, tilting my head back in the rain to let it caress my face. Maybe I thought it really would wash everything away. I don't know.
That's when I first became aware of Youji. Turning around slowly, I watched as he slowly took one of my cigarettes and lit it, and then stood silent, waiting for an explanation.
"You're beautiful, you know that?" He murmured, after a moment. I'd heard it before from him, in sly passes, if he brushed against me when we were alone in the shop. This was different, though. This was Youji being human, baring himself to the world again. I couldn't bring myself to make a biting remark and instead headed over to my discarded pack of cigarettes, taking one, and letting the blond light it.
He took a few steps forward, getting hit with the rain for the first time, and as it soaked through his shirt I realized that Youji was a lot thinner than he had been a few weeks ago; pale and gaunt. He leaned against the railing, and eventually I joined him, waiting for the blond to speak again.
"And I mean it, you know." He began, nervously. "I've always thought that about you. You used to piss me off. So I hit on you, because I didn't know what else to do. And I wanted to get under your skin. See if there was anything under the ice."
He paused, nervously twirling his cigarette between his fingers. "And ever since... As..Neu..died...I've been thinking about a lot of things."
I guess he was waiting for me to put in some sort of input. "Like what?" I asked cautiously, not sure if I liked where this was going, but I felt like Youji needed the outlet.
"Like...all the times you stayed up to bitch me out for going out. I don't think you were mad, Ran." He murmured quietly, turning to fix his green eyes on mine. "I think that all of that is a defensive mechanism."
"Youji..."
I began, increasingly uncomfortable. "How did you find out my name?" I didn't tell him that I liked the way he said it.
"I followed you to the hospital yesterday. Can I call you Ran?"
I don't know why I agreed. Maybe the rain was making me sick.
"Anyway. I think that somewhere inside, Aya, you've locked Ran away; and he's just as hurt as I am. And I think you worry about me and you look out for me because it gives Ran hope that maybe someday he could make it too."
"I think you're getting sick, Youji." I said carefully. I couldn't let anyone too close.
"No, Ran. I've never thought any clearer." He replied calmly, like he'd expected such a response. I've never felt so transparent in my life; like those green emeralds could see right through me.
"I used to be a private detective, y'know?" He drawled. "You know. Go after clues. Solve the mystery. I've got this one figured out."
I was silent, and Youji went ahead. "You know what I think, Ran? I think I'm in fucking love with you. And I think you love me too. And I think we're both hurt. And we're both stupid if we think we have any shot of making it alone."
"Youji..."
"Go ahead, Ran. Look me in the eyes and deny it."
I sighed, reluctantly turning to face him.
"You know what I think, Youji?"
"What?" He asked, reaching up to brush some hair out of my eyes, his fingers warm against my rain-chilled skin.
"I think you're too damn perceptive for your own good."
He chuckled.
"I think you're a cold bastard with a stick up your ass." Murmured the blond, returning to some of our old banter.
"Mmm. Keep that up and this cold bastard with the stick up his ass isn't going to kiss you."
"Well, in that cas.....mmmph..."
Upon reflection; Youji's a damn good kisser. At any rate, that night in the rain taught me exactly how to define Youji.
Mine.
Kiss the rain
Whenever you need me
Kiss the rain
Whenever I'm gone, too long.
If your lips
Feel lonely and thirsty
Kiss the rain
And wait for the dawn.
Keep in mind
We're under the same sky
And the nights
As empty for me, as for you
If ya feel
You can't wait till morinin'
Kiss the rain
Reviews welcome, as always.