Bittersweet

by CullenLovingMom

O/S written for the "To Kill a Cullen Contest." Alice Cullen is a force of life. Her death wreaks havoc in the lives of those left behind. Her best friend and her brother cope with her death together and find love for each other in the process. AU/AH.

Title: Bittersweet

Penname(s): CullenLovingMom

Rating: M for language and lemons.

Disclaimer: SM owns all things Twilight. The rest is mine.

Summary: Alice Cullen is a force of life. Her death wreaks havoc in the lives of those left behind. Her best friend and her brother cope with her death together and find love for each other in the process.

Submitted for the 'To Kill a Cullen' Contest

Please check out the other entries here :

http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/community/To_Kill_a_Cullen_Contest_Community/76759/

Alice Cullen.

My best friend.

Alice Cullen was a force of nature. It just didn't seem possible that the world was still turning on its axis without her life force to help it go round.

How will I make it through today? The funeral. How will I make it through tomorrow? The rest of my life?

Alice and I had been best friends since kindergarten. The fact that our friendship had not waned through middle school and high school baffled most people, but not us. We knew that our differences, and believe me there were plenty, only solidified our friendship.

I was quiet, withdrawn and studious. Alice was a bundle of energy-- outgoing and bubbly. She made sure that I didn't spend all of my time with my nose in a book, and I made sure that she didn't spontaneously combust when her hyperactivity went into overdrive.

We were in our last year of high school. Alice and I had plans to go to college together. We didn't know where yet, but we were going together. Alice's big brother, Edward, wanted us to apply to Dartmouth so that we could be close to him. I, personally, thought that he just wanted to keep a close eye on us. Edward had been away for a year and a half, but he still tried to keep tabs on us through friends he had left behind.

The few times that Alice or I had tried to date, it had not gone well. Edward would intervene, and the guys would suddenly lose interest. Alice was convinced that Edward had a thing for me. I thought she was nuts. Edward was way too gorgeous, way too perfect to be interested in me.

Edward. He was getting home today. A snowstorm had delayed his flight, so he had not made it home sooner. I couldn't bear to think of him dealing with this by himself. At least I was here with the people who loved Alice.

I pulled up to the house and sat for a moment, steeling myself with what I would find. Carlisle was not dealing with Alice's death well. As a doctor, he felt like he was a failure for not being able to save his own daughter. He was on duty in the ER when they brought her in. Carlisle saw death every day. Perhaps, that added to his grief. He was all too aware of death's finality.

Esme was doing all she could to help Carlisle. It gave her something to focus on besides her own grief.

Carlisle and Esme were my surrogate parents. My own parents were great, don't get me wrong, but my mom, Renee, was in Florida with her new husband and my dad, Charlie, worked all the time. Any memories I had of special family moments involved the Cullens.

I finally gathered the courage to go in the house. I didn't knock, just walked in. This was as much my home as the house I shared with Charlie. I wandered to the kitchen and found Esme sorting casseroles sent by the good citizens of Forks.

Why do people always send food when someone dies? It never gets eaten.

"Here, let me do that, Esme."

"Oh, Bella, I didn't hear you come in." She set the casserole on the counter and embraced me tightly as if she feared that I too would disappear any moment.

I smiled, not knowing what to say, and willed the tears forming in my eyes not to spill over, then turned to put the casserole in the refrigerator.

"Carlisle and Edward will be here soon."

"Good," I replied. I busied myself wiping the counter.

"We have to be at the funeral home in an hour."

I nodded.

"Carlisle and I would like you to stay tonight," Esme said trying to find something to keep her hands busy.

After a few seconds, she continued, "I made up the guest room. I didn't know if you would want to stay there or in Alice's room."

She stopped. The pain of thinking of Alice not being there with me in her room was evident on her face.

I walked up and placed my hand on her shoulder. "I'll stay, Esme."

Part of me wanted to run far away, so that I could pretend this was all a bad dream. I knew that my staying would help though. It would help them feel as normal as possible.

I heard the front door close and turned around to see Edward walk into the kitchen. He walked straight to his mother and gave her a hug. I looked at Carlisle. His shoulders were slumped and his eyes bloodshot. The wave of pain that enveloped the room was palpable.

Edward turned to me and gave me a tight hug. He appeared to choke back a sob.

"Hey, Bella. . . . I am glad you're here."

"Me, too, Bella," Carlisle added sounding hoarse.

*****

I rode in the limousine next to Edward on the way to the funeral home. He held my hand and stared out the window. His eyes were distant. I looked at Esme who was busy looking between Carlisle and Edward, ready to jump to their aid if needed.

I felt hollow inside. Numb. I heard a hiccupping sound that came from somewhere. Edward squeezed my hand and handed me a tissue. I realized the sound was coming from me.

I took in a deep breath to calm myself. The tears slowed. Edward put his arm around me and held me close. It felt right to have his arm around me. Peace in the midst of chaos.

When we got to the funeral home, I hung back after getting out of the car. I saw Carlisle and Esme greet the hordes of people there. Edward was right behind, shaking hands and thanking people for coming. I was amazed at how mature he looked and sounded.

Somehow in the past year and a half, Edward had grown from boy to man. How had I not noticed it before? His shoulders were broader, the line of his jaw was stronger, and his sparkling, green eyes seemed to hold the answers to the mysteries of the universe.

The last time I had seen Edward was two months ago over Christmas break. He was only home for a week. Alice and I spent every night of break together as usual. Edward had hung out with us watching movies most evenings. It reminded me of the times we shared before he went off to college.

Edward had always had his own friends, to be sure, but he always made sure that he still spent time with us. He didn't mind watching a chick flick or going to eat ice cream while Alice and I prattled on about boys, hair, clothes and makeup.

He kept in touch with both of us while he was away. He regularly called or texted both Alice and me. We talked about everything and nothing.

When I was in the eighth grade, I developed a serious crush on Edward. Things were a little awkward for me at the Cullen house during that time. I knew that Alice never told him, but I was sure that he knew. He was gracious though and never mentioned it.

Alice told me not to worry about it. She said that the time would come when he would see how great I was and fall in love with me. She was convinced that Edward and I would marry and she and I would be real sisters then.

I had forgotten about that.

One more thing that will never happen.

Right up there with me having my best friend with me when I go to college, get married, or have a baby.

Oh, Alice, how am I supposed to do all that stuff without you there with me?

I had no idea how long I had been standing off to the side lost in my own thoughts. Edward came and pulled me up to the front to sit with his parents and him. I tried to sit in the row behind them, but he clutched my hand tightly and pulled me to sit next to him.

I have no idea what happened during the service or at the gravesite—who spoke or what they said. It all went by in a blur ending with Edward helping me up and leading me back to the car.

It was raining, of course. It always rained in Forks. This rain seemed different. It was as if heaven was crying with us.

I was on the verge of losing it completely, and I knew it. Edward hugged me tight rubbing small, calming circles on my back as the car made its way to the gravesite.

"Shhh, it'll be ok. I promise. " Edward cooed.

I could tell that he was just as distraught as I was, but he was definitely keeping it together better. That was a good thing. I didn't know if I could bear to see Edward cry.

Esme was weeping quietly while Carlisle clutched her hand in his. The car arrived at the house. Edward helped me out and walked me in. The rest of the afternoon, with all of the close family and friends at the house, he never left my side. I felt like a zombie. I didn't feel connected to my body. Everything was distant and fuzzy.

This morning I had come by to help the Cullens through this day. Instead, Edward was helping me. It didn't seem right, but I was powerless to do anything about it. It was like Edward was the only thing holding me in the Earth's atmosphere.

At some point, everyone left. I looked up and the only people still in the room were Carlisle, Esme, Edward and Charlie. Charlie was standing in front of me speaking—something about was I sure I wanted to stay the night with the Cullens. I looked down at Edward's hand intertwined with mine and nodded. I didn't want to let go.

I don't know how long we stayed there after Charlie left. No one said a word. Finally, Esme and Carlisle went upstairs.

Edward pulled me up the stairs. We stopped in front of Alice's room. I froze.

"I can't, Edward. I just can't. Not tonight."

"Ok, that's all right. The guest room?"

"No. Not there. . . . Can I stay with you?"

He nodded and led me to the end of the hall to his room.

I quickly changed and washed my face in the bathroom adjoining Edward's room. I walked out to find him already in the bed. He saw me and opened his arms. I threw myself into them and sobbed myself to sleep.

*****

I woke up and looked around trying to figure out where I was. I realized quickly that I was in Edward's room. What was I doing in Edward's room? Where was Alice?

She's not here.

She isn't coming back either.

The realization brought the pain crushing back down on me. I needed to find Edward. I needed to make sure he was okay. He had taken care of me all day. I somehow knew that he needed me.

I wandered down the hall and saw the light coming out from underneath Alice's door. I slowly opened the door to see Edward sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the bed. His body was shaking and tears were running down his cheeks, but there was no sound.

I sat down next to him and pulled his head down on my lap. I stroked his hair. We sat like that for a long time before the shaking stopped. He looked up at me reaching with his thumb to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

He sat up and stared into my eyes with tears still rolling down his face and asked, "Bella, what are we supposed to do without her? I can't imagine a world without Alice."

It broke my heart to see him in such pain. Edward was so strong. Seeing him cry made something in me snap.

I closed the distance between us in a flash and pressed my lips to his wanting only to comfort him. My hands reached into his hair and held on as if my life depended upon it.

After a brief second, Edward broke the kiss and pushed me back to look into my eyes with confusion . . . and want.

"Please . . . Let me," I whispered never breaking my hold on him.

Edward's response was instantaneous. His lips crashed into mine with a desperation that rivaled a man lost in the desert seeking water. We kissed frantically, tongues and teeth gnashing.

Then the kiss slowed. Edward cupped my face tenderly and kissed from one side of my mouth to the other before slipping his tongue back in.

He laid me gently on the floor and hovered over me looking me over from head to toe. "God, Bella, you are beautiful."

Before I could respond, his mouth was on mine again. "Edward . . . please," I begged--for what I knew not. Flames licked every inch of my skin.

"Bella, I have wanted this for so long."

He rose to his knees over me and removed his shirt. Then, he helped me sit up and removed mine. I wasn't wearing a bra underneath. I had never been naked in front of a boy, or in this case a man, before.

"Beautiful. Exquisite." he murmured as his lips found my neck and his hands wound behind my back pulling my bare skin to his. I jumped and gasped at the contact. He removed his lips from my skin and looked at me to see if I was okay.

"Please don't stop. That feels amazing."

His lips returned to my collar bone. He kissed and then licked the skin there. The sensation sent me flying. I clawed my fingernails into his back trying to hold on. His lips moved down kissing the top of each breast softly.

When he moved lower and took a nipple into his mouth, sucking gently. I moaned loudly. He grunted in response and sucked harder. He rose to his knees again and gently ran his thumbs over my nipples.

Then, he removed his sweats and boxers. The sight of him in all his naked glory stole my breath. I reached out to touch him, but he pushed me back down lifting my hips and removing my pants and panties with one pull.

"Edward. . . I," I started sheepishly. "I never. . . I mean. . . I'm still a virgin." Hell, before five minutes ago I had only kissed one other person, and there was no tongue involved.

He paused trying to collect himself. "Do you want to stop?"

"No. I want this. . . with you," I answered, my voice quivering slightly.

"Bella," he growled and pounced on my mouth again.

We toppled roughly back to the floor. Hands and mouths were everywhere—starving. His mouth latched onto my breasts, sucking hungrily, then trailed kisses down my stomach getting close to the area of my body that was aching for attention.

"Edward," I heard my voice say. I wasn't quite sure how the words formed since I didn't recall my brain telling my mouth to say them.

He kissed my core tenderly, then swirled his tongue greedily around the bundle of nerves in the top center. I arched my hips seeking more. Edward answered with more tongue caresses and inserted a finger.

"Bella ... so good. You taste so sweet."

"Edward, I want . . . I need . . ."

The ministrations with his tongue quickened, and he inserted another finger sending me over the edge. I started to cry out. He quickly rose and swallowed my cry into his kiss while still pumping his fingers gently in and out.

He broke the kiss and whispered in my ear. "I love you, Bella. I have loved you for so long. I need to feel you all around me. "

Even though I was only starting to drift back to earth, my body needed more, my soul needed more.

I grabbed his head and pulled him down to where our foreheads were touching and looked into his eyes. "Please, Edward. I love you. I need you. Make love to me."

He kissed me sweetly and positioned himself to enter me. He inched his way in slowly until he reached my hymen. He paused to let me adjust to the feel of him, then he flexed his hips swiftly and filled me completely. He stopped again pausing to let the pain subside.

"Oh, God, you feel so good," he whispered in my ear.

I answered him by rocking my hips ever so slightly. He took over and started moving in and out at a slow, but steady pace.

He began thrusting in earnest and reached down between us placing his thumb on the bundle of nerves at my core. I felt a tingling build in my stomach and was sucked into a vortex of sensation just as I felt Edward begin to tremble in his own release.

We lay there intertwined and catching our breath for several minutes. He kissed my mouth and neck before sliding next to me and pulling me close.

"I meant what I said, Bella. I love you."

"You don't need to say that, Edward. I am not the least bit sorry about what happened. You don't have to say anything that you don't mean."

"I didn't . . .say anything I didn't mean, that is."

I looked up and him and felt a smile on my face that was so wide that it hurt.

"I didn't say anything that I didn't mean either," I said quietly.

I wasn't sure that he heard me until he crushed me to him in a tight hug and whispered, "I love you so much. I am sorry that I never told you. . .that I am telling you today--of all days."

I snuggled into his side and fell asleep in his arms on the floor of Alice's room.

****

The next two days went by in a blur. I spent my time between the Cullen's and my house. Esme and Carlisle were limping through the days under the weight of their grief.

Edward was avoiding me.

When I woke up the morning after, he was already gone. I hadn't seen or spoken to him since then.

I was an emotional wreck. My best friend was dead, and the man I had given my virginity to just over forty-eight hours ago was avoiding me. On top of that, the only person I wanted to talk to about it was my best friend, but she was ….

What a fucking mess!

I had to find a way to fix things with Edward. He was leaving the next day to go back to school. I had to know what he was thinking. Was he sorry that we had made love? Did he think that I was a slut for having sex with him?

I asked Esme if she knew where he was.

"I saw him out back heading into the woods."

"Thanks, Esme."

I knew exactly where he was headed. The old cottage in the woods behind the house was a favorite place of ours. Growing up, Alice, Edward and I spent time there playing games and sharing secrets.

I walked in and he had his back to me. He was standing in the middle of the living room with his head hanging. He didn't move. I didn't think that he had heard me.

"What happened, Bella? I know you were with her."

I looked at him and tried to decide whether or not he was ready to hear this—whether I was ready to tell. He turned and held his hands out to me and led us to sit on the old sofa that was witness to many of my childhood moments.

I took a deep breath and began slowly.

"We were leaving school on Friday. The roads were icy. Alice was standing next to her car chattering about what she needed to pick up at the mall that evening. I was only half listening. Why wasn't I listening?" I sniffed choking back tears.

"Tyler's van came out of nowhere. . . ." I stopped, taking a full breath, but it didn't feel like the air reached my lungs. I took another breath and waited until I could continue.

"The van was going so fast—too fast for the ice. It was sliding. I saw it coming. I froze. I didn't move or scream or . . . ."

I was sobbing uncontrollably. Edward sat patiently waiting for me to continue, holding my hands in his.

"Alice didn't see it. I should have warned her. She could have gotten out of the way. But I didn't." I had to stop again to breathe. The tears were pouring from my eyes.

"It crushed her. I was on the other side of her car and I didn't get a scratch. How is that even possible? Why? Why, Alice? Why not me?"

"Oh, Bella, I couldn't bear it if anything had happened to you too. I am so thankful that you are here and you are safe." He pulled me close and kissed my forehead, then each eye lid.

"I know messed things up the other night. I'm sorry. " I was staring intently at a spot on the floor.

"Please don't hate me," I said urgently. "I'm sorry that I attacked you. . . . You were grieving.. . . . " I stopped and let the sobs overtake me once again afraid to look up and see regret or disgust in his eyes.

He raised our hands to his mouth and placed feather-light kisses on the backs of mine.

"I have wanted to kiss and hold you for a long time. I'm not sure how long. I didn't realize it all at once, but a little at a time."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"A flash of your smile at a time." He kissed the corners of my mouth.

"A twinkle in your eye at a time." He kissed each eyelid.

He was dazzling me. I needed to stop this. I needed to think. I leaned back and looked at him. He was leaving.

"Why have you been avoiding me?" I blurted out. "You haven't spoken to me for two days. Not since we…" I stopped short, my insecurity overtaking me.

"I guess I have been distant. I am sorry, sweetheart. I didn't mean to make you feel unwanted." He kissed my mouth softly to punctuate his last point. "I never want you to think that you are unwanted."

He stopped and looked like he was trying to find the right words to explain.

"The other night…. Bella . . . I have never felt passion that intensely. I love you. I have been in love with you for a long time. I just didn't know how much I wanted you."

It was his turn to stare at the ground. "I wasn't avoiding you. I feel guilty. I had no right to take you like that, Bella. I'm a monster."

I looked at him puzzled. "Don't say that, Edward. You are not a monster."

He looked up and took my face in his hands.

"You deserved so much more for your first time. You should have had wine and roses and a soft bed." He shook his head. "I should have romanced you. Instead, I attacked you."

"No, Edward, I attacked you. Remember?"

I placed my hands over his and continued. He looked away in shame.

"Edward Anthony Cullen, I want you to listen to me." I paused until he looked me in the eye. "I don't regret anything about that night--nothing. I made love for the first time with the man I love and who, by some miracle, loves me back. There is nothing to regret."

"I do love you—so much—but . . . ."

"No, buts. Other than the guilt you are feeling, do you regret making love to me?"

He looked shocked. "No, absolutely not. It was the best moment in my life even though it happened on the worst day of my life."

"I love you, Edward. It is the forever kind of love too, not some fleeting high school crush. I just wanted you to know."

"I want to spend my life with you, Bella. I know this is all new and we need to take things slow and work out the details, but I know that you are the love of my life--and I am not letting you go."

He kissed me softly again finishing by sucking on my bottom lip. My knees wobbled at the sensation.

"How long have you . . . felt this way about me?" he asked shyly.

"Since the eighth grade." I snickered. "I never thought that you would feel the same way about me, so I tried to forget. I didn't want things to be weird with us. I wanted to be in your life even if it was just as your friend. But Alice always said…"

"That we were meant for each other?"

"She told you too?"

He nodded, tears forming in her eyes. "I told her that I was in love with you right before I left to go back to school at Christmas. She was thrilled. She told me that it was about time I figured it out. She said that she had been planning our wedding for years." He laughed at the memory through his tears.

"That's Alice, always planning ahead."

"Yes. That's Alice. I am sure that she had quite the extravaganza in mind. I wish she were here to see us together."

"She knows, Edward. Where ever she is, the little pixie is doing her happy dance that we are together."

I had lost my best friend and found the love of my life in the wake of that loss. The happiness I felt with Edward was and always would be bittersweet.