This is complete JUNK and complete GARBAGE and SILLY AND MAKES NO SENSE AND MEGA! DUDE! HOW DID YOU HELP ME COME UP WITH THIS? Because I don't really remember the conversation that landed with this short series. XD I JUST REMEMBER YOU FLAILING AND TELLING ME TO DO IT. So here we are. This is half mega's fault, I think. And Delenn. She helped, too. I think? I don't know. I'm too delirious and sleep deprived. Also Kevin-Keith, thanks for helping me with this silly thing as well! I was having issues and he offered to read and made me feel better.
THIS IS A SHIP, NOT A ZOO, GORDON!
Or the 5 Times in Which Gordon fails to get Ed a pet.
And the 1 time it worked.
Chapter 1: Jerry
There was a...
How was there a...
Why was there a...
When?
Who...
Fuck.
That was the easy question to answer. Because when something weird happened aboard the ship, there was always one answer. Gordon. Somehow or another, Gordon was always involved when something weird happened. Every single fucking time! Ed backed out of his quarters slowly, his hands up in front of him. He didn't know why he was holding them out like he was. It wasn't going to stop the thing from stomping him if it wanted. Sure, human with arms up, that means safe. Yep. Safe and no need to stomp. Because it was very likely that Ed could die right there in his quarters, stomped to death. He was an idiot. He knew he was. But he still backed up way too slowly, with his hands up, until he reached the door. He didn't take his eyes off of it as he briefly fumbled with the door scanner. He slapped at the panel and the noise made the thing look at him; Ed's eyes widened. He attempted to sneak, to make less sound. And tried really hard not to panic. It took forever before the door slid open. "Stay." He whispered, stepping back out into the hall. The door closed, sliding slightly faster than when it had opened. He stared, glared actually, at the closed door.
For a moment, Ed just stood there. He just stood there, like the thick-headed moron he was, and he glared at his door. He wondered briefly if he'd somehow just imagined that. He ran the calculations in his head, of the probability that he'd been hallucinating. Because there was no way, there was just no way! It made no sense! At all! Maybe there was something in his brain, some alien leech or something, messing with his vision or his sense of... anything really. He had no clue. He wasn't a neurologist or whatever a brain doctor was called. He just knew that THERE WAS NO FUCKING WAY!
Maybe he had, indeed, imagined it. But after opening the door long enough to check, he proved that he hadn't. It was real. It was just standing there. It was fucking real and it was fucking standing there! Damnit! He hit the button again and stepped back, breathing out as he watched the door closed for a second time. Although, he supposed, it really made no difference if he left the door wide open. Because there was no way it was escaping. There was no way it was fitting back through the door. He honestly had no clue how it was fitting in the room to begin with.
"Hey, Cap!"
Ed stared at the door a moment longer. He turned away, taking his eyes off the door finally. He blinked at the crew member, smiling widely at him. "Uh... Dann." He nodded. "Uh... hi." He responded awkwardly.
The ever-present smile on Dann's face slowly fell. "Something wrong, Cap?" He asked softly, stepping closer.
"No!" Ed shook his head quickly and held up his hands. "No, of course not... but uh." He glanced sideways at the door. "You... uh... you haven't uh... seen or heard anything... odd... in the halls... today..."
"The halls?" Dann repeated, tilting his bulbous head to the side. "No, no, I don't think so." He paused. "What exactly do you mean by odd?"
Ed smiled and shook his head. "Nothing." He reached out and patted Dann on the shoulder as he walked by. "Thanks."
Dann smiled and nodded. "You're welcome. Glad I could help, Boss!"
Ed did his best to grin convincingly at him and then hurried down the hall. He wasn't going crazy. Because he'd seen it. He knew he had. He jumped on the elevator and headed for the lounge. He knew that's where Gordon was headed. Ed had said he was going to change quickly and he'd be over. Things hadn't gone quite as planned. Because he hadn't changed out of his uniform. But that thing had been blocking his... well his entire fucking room! Ed hurried in and paused. He glanced around, his eyes scouring the place. He really shouldn't have looked. He should have known. Gordon was at the bar as always, laughing between Talla and John and sipping a bottle of something. For a split second, he imagined the joys of switching the bottle. Something like the Bortus' poo drink, Oppsada, would be fun! Or piss. That would be rather amusing, too. Ed zeroed in on him as he strode over. He weaved through the people, ignoring the pleasantries directed at him. He was focused only on the braying redhead.
Gordon turned slightly, catching Ed out of the corner of his eyes. He smiled widely and set his bottle down. "Hey! There you are!" He jumped up and pressed a quick kiss to Ed's cheek.
Ed didn't pull away but he didn't return the gesture or smile or really acknowledge their fledgling relationship in anyway. He didn't resist, or flinch, or even reciprocate anything, much like that dammned thing just standing in the center of his room. He just stood there, glaring as Gordon pulled away.
"Uh oh." John joked, taking a swig of his beer and watching out of the corner of his eyes. "What'd you do?"
Gordon shrugged as he leaned back against the counter. He grabbed his drink and took another sip. "No clue." He answered, his eyes still on Ed.
Talla intervened. "You did something." She glanced over her shoulder at the Captain. "I wouldn't want to be you right now." She chuckled with a smile.
"I didn't do anything!" Gordon whined.
"You didn't do anything?" Ed snapped in a mocking tone, finally breaking his silence. "Nothing." He repeated and paused for a moment. "There's an elephant... in my room..." He said dramatically.
Gordon nodded, unfazed by the revelation. "Yeah."
"Yeah?" Ed screeched and ignored the people, his crew members, around him. A few had looked up at his outburst with interest. "There's a fucking elephant in my room!"
"Don't fuck the elephant." John said, taking another drink. Ed's eyes snapped to him and John shrank down a little. He set his beer down and spun on his stool. "I may be a little drunk." He said, lifting his hands up.
Talla shifted slightly towards them as well. She tilted her head to the side and frowned. "I don't get the joke here."
"There's no joke." Ed snapped. "There's an elephant in my room."
Gordon nodded his head. "His name is Jerry."
"Jerry." Ed repeated.
Gordon nodded, like it was the most normal thing ever, having an elephant in the captain's room of Union Ship. Yes, totally plausible and no cause for alarm or questions. "Yep." He said. "Jerry the Elephant."
Ed stared at him for a moment. He was at a complete loss. "Why is Jerry the elephant in my room?"
"Because he wouldn't fit on the bridge?" Talla offered with a straight face.
John nodded his head and picked his drink back up. "Good point. Not unless we like, move the chairs and shit in the middle. He could fit in here."
Talla shrugged slightly. "Same problem." She said. "Too many tables. Too many lights, too, I'd think."
"Could stick him in engineering." John pointed out. "Except all the important, driving the ship shit."
Talla nodded her head. "An elephant might wreck that. I assume." She tilted her head to the side. "That's the giant, gray circus Earth animal, right?"
Gordon nodded. "Yeah."
John nodded and continued. "So it wouldn't fit in..."
"He doesn't fit in my room!" Ed interrupted, practically growling.
"Hey!" Gordon snapped. "It has a name! Jerry!"
Ed sighed and rolled his eyes. "Why does Jerry exist, Gordon?"
Gordon brought the bottle to his lips. He took a slow drink, swallowed, and lowered it again before he answered. "You need a pet."
Ed's mouth dropped open. He stared at Gordon blankly for several long moments. Because that answer was never in the realm of possibilities. Although... to be honest... Ed really had no ideas. Not a single one as to the elephants meaning. But to hear that there was an elephant in his room... because his boyfriend thought he needed a pet... it was just mind boggling. And for a moment, he wished the trio had been at a table or there was a free stool. He felt the urge to sit. "I need a pet." He repeated really slowly, trying to gauge the man's reaction. Because there was just no way that was the real reason.
Gordon nodded his head quickly. "Everyone should have a pet. I do."
And that was the reaction Ed expected. Because as stupid as it was, Gordon was serious. He was serious and it was just... Ed shook his head and breathed out. Sometimes, he really wondered just exactly what went on in Gordon's mind when he thought up these things. "You have a goldfish." He pointed out.
"Named Sharky." Gordon said with a smile. "Now you have an elephant named Jerry."
Ed stared at him for a moment. "Gordon." He said the name evenly and slowly, keeping his voice level. "I cannot have a pet elephant."
"Why not?" Gordon frowned and then his mouth dropped open, in a slight gasp. "You don't like the name Jerry, right?"
Ed shook his head quickly. "No, Jerry's fine..."
"Good." Gordon smiled.
"But!" Ed continued, tilting his head slightly. "I can't have an elephant on the ship."
"Why?"
"This is a space ship!" Ed said, the tone of his voice rising a bit. "Not a zoo!"
Gordon visibly deflated, hunching over a bit on the stool. "So... you're saying no to Jerry?"
"Yes!" Ed threw up his hands. "Please remove Jerry from my room immediately!"
Gordon breathed out dramatically and tilted his head back. "Fiiiine." He groaned, stringing the word out way too long. He shook his head as he pushed away from the counter. "Poor Jerry." He lamented, shoving his hands in his pockets and stepping around Ed. "He'll be so upset."
Ed turned and watched the man's retreating form.
"So..." Talla leaned against the counter. "Is there really an elephant in your room?"
Ed rolled his eyes.