Solas stood at the edge of her dream, just beyond perceiving. Aili Lavellan had grown a forest in the Fade, the trees were ancient and watchful as she slept beneath their boughs, an old book laying open on her chest. A few scattered halla rambled through the bits of crumbling ruins the woods had not yet reclaimed, and he could hear the wind flapping the canvas sails of distant Aravels.
A dark shape moved behind him. A milky face obscured by pale hair. A strange broad brimmed hat.
"Hello, Cole." The elf greeted him softly.
"I don't understand," The spirit-boy complained, "The wonder on her face as she walks the roads the first ones made, eager and shining as she reaches out to touch the bones of things long lost to them. She wants to know, so you teach her. She shouldn't look at you like that, but you want her to. Everything about her is hope and light and laughter. 'Ar lath ma, Vhenan.' She changes everything. She changes you-"
"I know," the mage cut him off, a bit sharper than he'd intended.
"She made you better," Cole said flatly, as close to an accusation as he'd ever heard from him. "She made your pain less, and you left her. And now you both hurt more."
"I made a mistake because I was selfish," Solas said stiffly, "I'm not sure why I let things go so far. It never should have happened in the first place."
"Fingers brush against each other as they lean over the table, shaping destiny. They pull away too quickly, faces burning, hoping no one saw. He rubs the back of his neck, uncertain, but his eyes are soft when she glances back at him. Don't look at her like that!" The spirit reminded him pointedly.
"I suppose that was part of it, though it is far from an excuse," the mage admitted tightly. "I never wanted to hurt her, I just…. How is she?"
"Worried, waiting, wanting- why?" Cole began, taking a step towards where Aili still napped in the dappled sunlight beneath the leaves. "She dreams of dreaming. Crisp wind and biting flecks of snow in the town the dragon burned. Tenderness and warmth wrapping her up in arms that feel like when the Keeper smiles at her, like the sound of Harhen's stories weaving through the night air, like the sweet grassy breath of halla- home. She cries the name you gave her while she sleeps. It beats inside her like a drum, 'Vhenan, Vhenan'. 'Stop, you are perfect exactly as you are.' But perfect wasn't enough. She calls out, but you are as gone as the gods of her people, and you do not hear."
Solas watched her, silent and aching. How easy it would be to walk to her side and wake her with the tender press of his lips against her temple. To bury his hands in the soft tangle of her silver-blond hair. To hold her in his arms and give himself over to the longing in his heart. Every day he spent alone was plagued with thoughts of Aili, beautiful and gleaming, her smooth golden skin sliding against him, her little hands gripping his back, never letting him go. What he wouldn't give to have her clear amethyst eyes peering up at him, as loving and happy as the day he'd kissed her on the balcony at Skyhold, sealing the tragic fate of both their hearts. How simple it would be to free them both from this pain. Simple and yet…impossible. He heaved a weary sigh.
"I could…make you forget?" Cole suggested uncertainly. "You wouldn't be so sad if you forgot."
"Thank you, Cole. I know you mean well, but…this is something I want to remember." The elf replied with a faint smile. "I need what little of her is left to me."
"Laughing, drinking, joy, relief! Everyone's sorrows have gone quiet with the death of the would-be god. But not hers. The pain behind her eyes is bright and burning, but no one wants to see it. She goes to bed, but doesn't sleep. The sound of her tears shouts from every stone of the keep, because Skyhold is a place that remembers. I tell her she doesn't half to remember. I could make her forget, but she won't let me. It's like the marks on her face, the memory of something that hurts, but it's a part of her now. Irreplaceable irrevocable impossible things she has lost and somehow cannot bare to be without. The writing used to prove the pride of her blood, the ties to her family, and now it reminds her of you. Of ignorance and doubts and…. 'How will I ever go home again?'" the young man said gloomily.
"For all their faults, I always found the way the Dalish looked out for one another rather admirable. I didn't mean to take that away from her." Solas told him sadly. "I didn't mean to take the joy from such a hard won victory, either."
"What did you mean to take?" Cole asked, sounding slightly startled and blinking his watery blue eyes at him in curiosity.
"I wanted…" The elf frowned, shaking his head in displeasure, "I wanted a great deal of things that I had no right to ask for."
"But you didn't take them," the spirit insisted, "she gave them to you. Those were yours before you even asked."
"I had to leave, Cole." Solas tried to explain.
"She would have gone with you." the young man countered quietly.
"The Inquisition still needs her, as does the rest of Thedas. Everyone is still rebuilding after the war. And I…have duties elsewhere." The mage rebuffed.
"She would have waited for you to come back. She wants to wait. Hurting, haunted, hopeful." Cole replied stubbornly.
"I don't know that I am coming back, Cole!" Solas snapped, "I could be gone for years! Decades! Aili shouldn't waste her whole life pinning after something that is lost!"
"…you mean the way you do?" Cole wondered. The mage sighed in resignation, leaning on his staff and gazing back at the elf still sleeping under the trees.
"She would have been happier if I had just left well enough alone." Solas murmured dejectedly.
"She would have loved you anyway." The boy stated plainly, peeking up at him from under the broad brim of his oddly shaped hat. "Sweat soaked and shuddering, sobbing in her sleep, the shackles on her wrists mark her the same way the Vallaslin do. Will she ever wake up? She gasps words out in the old tongue. Her accent is strange. She wants her mother, her Keeper, the pain to stop. She seems so very young. And beautiful, despite her agony. The weight of a new regret settles in your heart. She is dying. 'I'm so sorry, Da'len.' You stroke her hair gently when the Seeker's back is turned. …you were always going to love her, too."
"You're probably right," the mage conceded with a bitter laugh, "we were both doomed from the start. What a cruel mistress Fate can be."
"You could love her here." Cole suggested. "She wouldn't have to know it was more than a dream, but she could hope, and that would make her loneliness less. You would be happier, too!"
"I'm not going to lie to her!" the elf protested hotly.
"You never told her what was true, Solas." The spirit boy reminded him quietly.
"It would never be enough…" the apostate objected weakly, but his dark blue eyes flicked back over to Aili, wanting.
"But it would be something." Cole said, soft and encouraging.
"…Solas?" The elf girl mumbled his name in her sleep, searching for him even now.
"Her hurt is like a hand, reaching out to your matching pain, pulling you here. She won't stop calling." the blond boy informed him.
"She might," Solas said, sounding miserable, "People's hearts change, Cole. We are not as constant with our convictions as a spirit would be." He wrung his hands around his staff in frustration, glaring down at his feet. "She has…a loving nature. There may yet be a day when a good man will seek her affections, and she will give them to him as freely as she once gave them to me."
"How do you know?" the compassionate spirit asked, sounding upset, "Sweet smiling Aili, bright and bouncing, buoyant, holding us up when we start to fall…she seems somehow like Solas now, all wincing silence, sad. Her kindness is careful. Distant and dreaming. Where did she go? Even laughing, still she seems to sorrow. Everyday a new danger, hidden in shadow and silks…. What if she dies alone and wanting you?"
"I…" the elf trailed away, clenching his eyes shut, conflicted. He felt cool slim fingers touch his cheek hesitantly. His eyes snapped open. Cole had vanished, and he was standing in the snow in front of his cabin at Haven. A young elf woman stood before him wearing the traditional robes of a Keeper, a mage's staff, and an expression of worry. He held his breath, bracing for whatever storm might follow.
"Are you real?" She whispered. He smiled despite himself.
"That would depend upon your definition of 'real', I suppose." He said softly. She huffed in mild annoyance.
"You certainly sound like him." She grumbled. He laughed for the first time since he'd left her, and it felt like a light blooming in his chest. He'd forgotten how easily she could do that. She took a hopeful step towards him, but he backed away.
"Solas-" She began, her tone pleading.
"You trust too easily," He scolded, "is this what your Keeper taught you about walking the Fade?"
"Fine," Aili snapped with a scowl, "What brought you here?"
"You were calling, and I came." He said simply.
"What do you want from me, then?" She asked hotly, closing the distance between them again. He stood his ground this time, but said nothing and refused to meet her eyes.
"You…you must be him," She said thickly after a moment's pause, her breath catching as she fought down the tears welling in her violet eyes, "Even a demon would share more of themselves with me than he would."
"And what is it you would know of me?" He asked, his voice soft, struggling against the urge to reach out and hold her in his arms, to comfort her.
"Everything!" She exclaimed in exasperation. "I want to know about the place you were born. I want you to tell me about when you first knew you were a mage. Who are your parents and where are they now? What were you like as a boy? Who was your best friend growing up? I want you to show me the way you walk the fade. I want you to teach me everything you know about the lore of our people- there is so much you could do for them, if you would only give them a chance! I know that there are plenty of Dalish who are haughty and care only for proving themselves the best hunter and nursing their hate of the Shemlen, but there are also many of us who yearn to know the truth of our past. And if the Dalish have truly done you wrong, I would know that, too. And…."
"And?" He prompted.
"And…I want to know…why you always look so sad." She implored quietly, taking another step towards him, hemming him in. He could lean down an kiss her if he wanted to, and gods how he wanted to.
"The answers to many of those questions would cause you pain, Da'len." Solas told her, reaching out and brushing his fingers across the tattoos that still swirled across her forehead, subtly reminding her of her reaction to the last time he'd confessed a secret he'd been keeping from her.
"I would gladly accept that pain, if it meant I got to keep you!" Aili practically shouted, grabbing the front of his jacket.
"If you knew the truth…you would not want to keep me." he muttered dejectedly, hanging his head.
"Fenedhis, Solas! Ma sa'lath, you big idiot!" She yelled at him, putting her hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her. "What could you possibly have done that you think I won't forgive you for?" The look he gave her was dark and aching. He gently pulled her hands away.
"A great many things, Vehnan." He said solemnly. Her face crumbled at the return of the familiar endearment. Aili trembled against him, longing and confusion warring in her lavender eyes.
"Did you…" She paused, clenching her eyes shut and inhaling sharply through her nose, "Did you ever love me? …I think I am at least owed that truth."
"Aili, please," He begged, turning to move away from her. She grabbed his arm, just as she had the day he had first kissed her in Skyhold. He winced at the memory.
"Creators help me, Solas, if you don't answer me, I will hunt you down like the Dread Wolf after a hare." She swore at him. He gave a bitter laugh at the analogy.
"And what good would it do you?" He fumed, spinning back to face her, "It will not change the way things are! The way things have to be!" He loomed over her, his blue eyes piercing and predatory, sneering at the way she quailed before his anger.
"I can never share my life with you." he snarled before turning on his heel and stalking away.
"Didn't you say, 'In another world'…?" She called after him in a whisper, "Isn't this another world, Solas? Aren't you always telling me how things here are still real? Still as valid as they are when we're awake?" He made the mistake of looking back at her, and saw the tears streaming down her face.
"If you don't care for me…I will try to accept that," She continued, walking towards him slowly, as if he were a skittish animal who might bolt at the slightest provocation, "but please don't tell me that I can never see you again."
He stared at her in an awed sort of silence. Here she was, Aili Lavellan, Sealer of the Breach, Conqueror of Ancient Evils, Slayer of Dragons, leader of the Inquisition, perpetual thief of bed sheets and darling of the Imperial Court of Orlais: hopelessly in love with him. She was kind and forgiving, diplomatic and intelligent, eager to learn, and even more eager to play. And on top of all this, she was blessed with the ethereal beauty of her race. She could have had any man in Thedas with a smile and a gesture…and she had chosen him.
"If we could just meet every now and then…in this world if not the waking one…. I miss talking with you. I know you don't owe me anything, and I don't expect you to visit me every night, but…." She wrung her hands together and bit her lip, doubting herself, "At least give me something to hope for." It was too much to be borne.
"How could you be so foolish?" He scolded her in heated elven, pulling her roughly into his embrace. "How could you imagine that I could be anywhere near you and not want you in my arms?" She clung to him desperately, laughing and sobbing in turns. He kissed his way along her neck and jaw, burying his nose in her pale golden hair, breathing in the scent of lavender and rain. She turned his face to her and claimed his mouth hungrily, demanding recompense for every day she'd spent without him. He paid his dues with interest, trying to convey his own longings with nips and nuzzles and eager hands. It would never be enough.
Truth and melancholy reclaimed his thoughts, and he pulled away from her soft searching lips with a weary sigh. How did he continually let her talk him into these things? She blinked up at him with an uncertain smile, her cheeks flushed and her eyes shining with hope. Right. That was how.
"You will come to regret this day, Vehnan." He cautioned in a low voice, leaning his forehead against hers.
"Vir sulahn'nehn, vir dirthera," She recited quietly, cupping his face gently in her hands, "vir samahl la numin, vir lath sa'vunin. …Tomorrow's regrets do nothing to diminish the happiness we feel today. We should not deny ourselves a beginning for fear of an end, Ma lath."
"In the days to come," Solas told her, pausing briefly to place a lingering kiss against her temple, "remember this. Remember that I tried to protect you, that I wanted to be kind. Remember-"
"'Ar lath ma, Vehnan'?" She asked, beaming up at him, dauntless.
"Yes," He confirmed vehemently before sealing her mouth with his own.
AN:
For those who have either forgotten, or never knew them and are too lazy to look them up, the long rambling in elven Aili does towards the end is from "In Uthenera" (the song Leliana sings in DAO) and they translate to : 'we sing, rejoice,
we tell the tale, we laugh and cry, we love one more day'
P.S. I am a language major and the rules regarding Elven make NO sense to me. *throws hands in the air*