Dib sat in the guidance counselor's office. He was sent there after being told it was either the guidance counselor or the underground classroom when he'd interrupted class again trying to tell everyone that Zim was an alien.

Mr. Dwicky hadn't come back, and Dib doubted he ever would, but this new guidance counselor had been through Dib's file.

Right from the start, the guidance counselor had told Dib that aliens didn't exist. The adult laced his fingers and rested them on the edge of the desk. "Maybe it's time you told me the real reason you're so frustrated, Dib."

"Real reason? What do you mean 'real reason'?" There was no other reason; Zim was an alien and no one believed Dib.

"I think this fighting and obsession you have with Zim is subconsciously something deeper."

"Go on," Dib said suspiciously.

"It could be your way of dealing with jealousy or affection."

Dib's stomach gave a nasty summersault. Well, jealousy might be a something Dib might have had, considering Zim was an alien and had a bunch of superior technology. But Professor Membrane had some inventions that rivaled some Zim's stuff, and Dib had Tak's ship so he had some of the Irken technology at his fingertips. Jealousy was not the problem. "Affection?"

"The same way a boy might pull the pigtails of a girl he likes. Maybe you're chasing Zim in a similar fashion," the guidance counselor tried to explain.

"That makes no sense; he's an alien!"

"Just because he's foreign doesn't mean you can't have feelings for him."

Dib crossed his arms and glared at the idiot in front of him. "Yeah, feelings of hatred. You're insane." Dib didn't really hate Zim. Sure, Zim was a jerk most of the time, but Dib only crossed his path when he was preventing Zim from taking over the earth. The rest of the time, Dib wanted to learn more about the Irken who shared his homeroom class at skool.

The guidance counselor stood and ushered Dib toward the door. "You can think on what we've discussed and if you want to ask any questions or talk some more, I'll be right here." And with that, Dib was shoved out the door.

10101010101010

Dib had purchased a new set of handcuffs. The website he'd purchased them from had said they were the second, improved version. He was determined to capture Zim, and the perfect moment would be during skool. Zim wouldn't have GIR or the weapons at his base to protect him. And if he used his pak, he would just help Dib reveal Zim's true identity.

Lunch was the perfect opportunity. Zim had proved less observant to his surroundings when he was worried the cafeteria food would attack him. Dib had it all planned out. When Zim seemed thoroughly distracted by his lunch, Dib would pretend to take his tray to the trash cans and then he would tackle Zim and capture him with the handcuffs.

Now was the moment; Dib could feel it. He picked up his tray and monitored his pace so he wouldn't seem too slow or too urgent, keeping his eyes averted from his target. As he came level with Zim, Dib dropped the tray and launched himself at the alien. They both tumbled to the floor, Dib pinning his prey down and reaching for the handcuffs hidden in his trench coat, grinning like the madman his classmates believed he was.

"I've caught you now, Zim!"

Zim barely struggled, knowing that if he played it just right, he could get Dib in trouble and he would get away without punishment. "I'm human! I love Earth!"

"I don't care what you shout, this time you're nowhere near your base and you can't use any weapons without revealing yourself."

Zim looked up at the counter where the lunch lady was supposed to be, but she wasn't there. "Argh! Why are there never any adult supervisors or security zombies when you need them?"

"Look at them," said another student. "A position like that isn't normal unless they're lovers."

Dib and Zim paused. Dib in horror, and Zim concocting an idea.

"Why does Dib have handcuffs?" another teenager said. "Is it some sort of kinky fetish?"

Dib quickly hid the handcuffs. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea.

Zim began to put his plan into motion. "Of course it's normal, because human Zim and Dib love each other. Completely normal."

"We're not—" Dib didn't get to finish when Zim shoved him roughly aside to sit up.

"Totally and completely in love," repeated Zim.

"Then why don't you two kiss?" asked different student. "It's normal for lovers to kiss."

Dib scrambled to get as far away as fast as possible, but before he could make it two inches, something caught the end of his trench coat.

"If kissing is normal, then I, human Zim, will kiss the Dib." Zim pulled Dib closer, who was so shocked and conflicted—it was either a pleasant dream or a nasty nightmare—he didn't struggle.

10101010101010

"I can't believe you did that!" cried Dib. It had been a sloppy and wet kiss, but it had sent Dib's heart racing. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone, not even himself. Dib absolutely refused to think about his last meeting with the guidance counselor and what he had been suggesting.

"Well believe it, Dib," said Zim. "We're a 'couple' now. You'd better play your part right or I will destroy your species."

They were walking home in the same direction. As soon as they'd been out of sight, Zim had destroyed the handcuffs with the energy beams from his pak. Whoever invented the handcuffs obviously hadn't had Irkens in mind.

"I thought you were already planning on destroying us," Dib pointed out.

"Eh? Then I will do worse!" Whatever worse was, Zim could figure it out later and in the meantime he would let Dib's imagination run with the information.

As expected, Dib's imagination did not fail. "No!" he screamed in horror. "Zim, you have to break up with me."

"Why?"

"We're not really in a relationship."

"Then I can't break up with you, can I?"

"I guess not. I mean, yes!"

The fake relationship meant nothing to Zim. Breaking up, Zim knew, was normal. "Fine then, at skool tomorrow, I will break up with you."

10101010101010

Dib and Zim were in the hallway. Students milled around, rummaging through lockers, talking, stuff. "Stink-beast," Zim addressed Dib, "I am no longer in need of your services."

"So," Dib clarified for the audience, "you're breaking up with me?" At the words "breaking up" all eyes turned to them.

"Yes, yes, now be gone, filthy worm baby." Zim waved a dismissive hand. The deed was done.

Two girls walking by spoke loud enough for Zim and Dib to hear. "I can't believe they broke up, they were such a cute couple."

"I know," her friend replied.

Dib blushed. There was no way he and Zim were getting back together. First, because they were never really together to begin with. Second, because Dib refused to believe he had any feelings but dislike towards the Irken.

10101010101010

The next day, Zim found Dib in the hallway.

"Dib, will you date with me?"

"What? No!" Dib slammed his locker closed. If he thought back on the moment now, he would've admitted that he'd actually slammed the locker in anger that Zim was just using him and not in anger that Zim asked him out.

"It would benefit us both," Zim tempted.

"How so?"

"You can chase me and pounce"—Dib's mind automatically replaced "pounce" with "tackle"—"me as often as you like and no one will think you're crazy. And I can finally complete my notes on human affection."

"That's right," Dib said, remembering, "Tak turned out to be Irken." Dib was not considering Zim's offer. At least, that's what he told himself. "Why don't you find a girl to date? It's normal for males to date females."

"The females are not worthy of ZIM!"

It was nice to be considered "worthy." If Dib could get his information on aliens without having to do it forcefully, he might not have to tackle Zim at all. "If I decide not to chase or tackle you," said Dib, "can I take my own notes on the behaviors of Irken affection?"

"Ha, ha, ha! Stupid pig-monkey, Irkens are so superior that we are completely unfamiliar with either the term or the actions of affection."

"Then how were you born?"

It was a simple question and only needed a simple answer, but Zim was invading Earth, not the Dib invading the Irken Empire. "That is none of your business."

"Must've been in tubes. It's written all over your face."

"Nothing is written on Zim's face!" How could a human child know information just by looking at Zim? The Dib was truly a more superior specimen of his species.

10101010101010

"So, meat sack," Zim called the attention of the Dib, "is it custom for couples to hold hands while walking?" It was something he'd seen at skool. A couple was formed when two people kissed, and when they were walking, the couple would hold hands.

"Usually," Dib responded. Zim had been on Earth for a few years now. He and Dib had entered hi skool and it wasn't impossible for the alien to have picked up on what couples did.

"Then let's hold hands," Zim commanded and grabbed Dib's hand.

Zim was actually touching Dib willingly. Dib was a little triumphant, which, he told himself, was because Zim had overcome some of his disgust for humans and not for any other reason. Although, Zim's gloves were still in the way of their skin touching. It made the action of holding hands still seem like there was more distance than there was supposed to be.

Zim observed Dib's face. "Why are you blushing?"

"No reason. I've never held hands with anyone before."

"Do you like it?"

Not wanting to lose some undeclared competition by showing some sort of weakness, Dib countered, "Do you?"

"Eh," Zim grunted, which was neither an affirmation nor negation.

The whole skool seemed intrigued by the odd—or "cute" depending on who you asked—couple of Dib and Zim. The pair had everyone's attention as they came in the doors holding hands.

A girl who had witnessed their "breakup" asked her friend, "Are those two back together?"

The other girl giggled and said, "If they are, they would kiss again, right?"

Zim pulled Dib to a halt.

Dib looked at him questioningly. "What is it, Zim?"

"Kiss me."

"Right now?"

"No, next Tuesday," Zim snarled sarcastically. "What do you think I meant? I'm not going to wait all day."

Dib swallowed audibly. He could feel his palms starting to sweat so he let go of Zim's hand before steam started to rise. He shifted closer to Zim and leaned in, closing his eyes, until he felt their lips meet. He pulled back quickly, heart racing.

"That," said Zim breathily. He controlled himself in a split second and finished the sentence. "That was pathetic, Dib-stink. You will try again later."

10101010101010

Dib decided to pay the guidance counselor a visit. It would get him out of class for a few minutes, and maybe he could figure out how to fix his situation. Guidance counselors were supposed to help with bullying, right?

"You and Zim are a couple now." At Dib's confused look, the guidance counselor added, "It's all anyone talks about anymore." Then he went on. "It's a sign you've made progress."

"Well, about that. Zim's an alien right?" Dib didn't wait for an answer; of course, Zim was an alien—it was obvious. "He tries so hard not to blow his cover that whenever someone says something isn't normal he tries to fix it. I was trying to capture him the other day and some kid said it wasn't normal unless we were a couple and now Zim wants us to be a couple so he looks normal. He's an alien and this is all part of his plan to conquer Earth!"

The guidance counselor was making eye contact with Dib, but he was fidgeting with a pencil. "Then why are you playing along with him?"

"He threatened to destroy all humans!"

"How do you feel about the relationship? Do you sometimes wish it were real?"

"You aren't listening—Zim's an alien! An alien come to conquer Earth!"

"I heard you the first time. Maybe you should think some more and come back later." The guidance counselor gestured to the door.

Dib left, muttering to himself. "Why did I go to him? I knew he wouldn't listen to me."

Lunch came and Dib set his tray down at Zim's table. Zim looked up and his first reaction was to glare at Dib and demand, "What are you doing sitting at Zim's table?"

"Zim, couples sit together at lunch." Dib was exasperated. He knew Zim knew that couples were made of two people who wanted to be together constantly. Constantly included lunch.

"That is normal?"

Dib nodded. "Uh-huh."

"Then sit with me, filthy worm."

A girl looked over and practically squealed. "Awwww! They already have pet names for each other." One could practically see the hearts emanating off her.

Humans could be so stupid. "We are not naming pets," hissed Zim.

Dib had to explain. "She meant that you called me 'filthy worm.' She thought it was a name you gave me out of affection."

"Pet names are normal?"

Dib replied with a nod of his head.

"Then you must give me a pet name."

"I like your real name better than any other name. It's okay if I just call you Zim."

Somehow, Zim was pleased. "Zim" was an Irken name, so no human would have the same name. It made Zim unique. "Of course there is no better name for me than The Almighty Zim!" A few kids turned to stare at him. "The Almighty Zim who is normal and human." The declaration, as simple and transparent as it was, fooled the human children and they refocused on their lunches.

Lunch was over, and before long, skool was over for the day. Zim and Dib were walking home in the same direction like every day after skool.

"What do couples do outside of skool?" Zim asked, mentally taking notes.

"Well, they usually spend a lot of time together, share, I don't know—I've never been in a relationship before."

"I was researching couples and what they do," Zim said, as if it was a big accomplishment and the knowledge he gained was something rare.

"And?"

"And I came across sexual intercourse. We could try that."

Dib released Zim's hand with lighting speed as soon as he heard Zim's idea. "No. No, we cannot."

"Why?"

"Because. Because couples don't do that until they know each other real well."

"We know more about each other than anyone else," said Zim, and Dib had to agree with him there. "Does that classify as 'real well'?"

"Not yet." He tried to explain it further. "Sex is something special only for people to do if they love each other."

Zim dropped the subject of sexual intercourse as if it was no big deal. He still had a lot to learn about "love." This required more research. "You're human; shouldn't you know what to do after skool?"

"I've never been in a relationship before. The little knowledge I know comes from what I've seen around skool. I hope to gain the rest of it either instinctually or experimentally."

"Then kiss Zim again."

"You must be masochistic; doesn't it burn?"

"A little, but it's a pleasant burn and sometimes it makes my whole body feel hot and squishy on the inside."

Dib blushed. Zim was describing the same feeling he had when they kissed. He wasn't sure how to categorize the feeling, having never felt it before. Through elimination, he could figure out it was either love or lust or both as those were two things he'd never felt before.

Zim observed Dib's face. "Does that please you? Blushing occurs when heat needs to leave the body. It's not hot out, so you're either pleased or embarrassed. Or both."

"We're at your base," Dib stated, changing the subject.

Zim raised an eyebrow. "What now?"

"…Couples usually," Dib paused to clear his throat, "give goodbye kisses."

"The Dib is voluntarily offering another moment to kiss? Admit it—you enjoy it, don't you?"

"So do you."

Zim smirked in a way Dib usually described as evil, but this time he would say it was possessive. Zim pulled Dib close. This was different than all of the chasing and fighting they did, but it was just as exciting and fulfilling. Their lips met, and this time it wasn't brief. There was emotion, electricity, a need that the two shared. They pulled away only when Dib needed air—Zim had his pak's atmospheric processor and could hold his breath longer.

GIR opened the door that was ironically labeled "men." Why hadn't Dib noticed it before? He wondered if Zim knew the insinuations of the label on his base door.

"Are you gonna have sex now?" GIR asked, innocently.

"GIR," said Zim threateningly.

"That's what they do in the movies!" GIR tried to explain to his master.

Dib had said sex was something special. Zim could wait, and in the meantime, there was lots of research to do.