This is a mini-tale to thank everyone who read my 1000+ readers for the month of January 2011! Thank you all! Please read!
Inspired by a conversation with my best friend and the fact that I just got The Brilliant Book of Doctor Who 2011. It is one of my new favorite books! Inside this book are a bunch interviews. One of the interviews was with Matt Smith and for fun they asked him to start a totally outlandish rumor, so he replied (after something about the color of his producer's underwear) that his rumor would be that River Song is really a wombat.
So, yeah, basically a crack fic.
DISCLAIMER: I am not Steven Moffet. And River Song is not really a wombat.
"Okay, so this did not exactly go the way I had planned." The Doctor said. Or thought he said. He attempted to rise from the ground only to drop back down when various people around him started clapping. He sat down and reached up to scratch his ear with his paw. Suddenly, it hit him. "Oh. This is not good." He looked around the area, looking for his two companions. "Amy? Rory? Ponds? River?" He searched frantically, but finding red hair is hard when you can only see in black and white.
A wombat somehow managed to strut up in front of him. It stopped a foot in front of him and glared. He swore that it smiled before it strolled up next to him and climbed on his back. "River? Do you know where Amy and Rory are?"
The wombat(definitely River, the Doctor decided) grabbed his left ear, pulled while pushing his head down. He saw two white rabbits. "Ponds?" They looked up at him and one fell on it's back laughing. "Amy, that is not how rabbits act!"
"She can't understand you." The wombat-River-said. "Why am I a wombat?"
"Why am I a dog?" The Doctor retorted, "and why can you understand me and they can't?"
"Because rabbits have small mental facilities. It's the difference between monkeys and humans. Monkeys can think like us, and understand ideas. But talk to them in something other than monkey and you won't get a response. But the idea of her Doctor as a golden retriever? Hilarious."
"I'm a golden retriever? Why couldn't I be something cool?"
"Doctor, I'm a wombat."
"Wombats are cool!"
It was a good thing the Doctor could not see River roll her eyes, "First bow ties, then fezes-Doctor is there anything you can think of that is less cool than a wombat?"
He turned to look back at the Ponds, "Rabbits."
River laughed in the odd way wombats laugh. "How do you plan on getting us out of this situation?"
"Thinking of something." The Doctor barked. The rabbits looked up at him in surprise, and River tugged on his ear again. His head shot up straight, forcing River to grasp his hair so that she wouldn't fall off.
"River! Are those like hands?"
"Thankfully."
"Good. That's very good. River, I need you to jump from that chair over that rail and then onto the chair right in front of that locked door, turn the key than hit the red button."
"Because wombats can jump." River scolded.
"Then climb." The Doctor replied, "River Song, do you want to be a wombat forever?"
"You seem to think that being a wombat is one of the most amazing things in the universe." She replied sarcastically.
"Second to being me, of course." He answered. He grinned a sloppy sort of dog grin. River clawed him as she climbed down. "Watch the claws, River!" She glared at him as she sauntered (don't ask the Doctor how River Song managed to saunter with the body of a wombat) over to the chair.
She put her paws on it and looked up at a human nearby. The girl, about eighteen, if the Doctor was any judge, that is, squealed indulgently and lifted River up. River then climbed up to the back of the chair and some how managed to squeeze up through the rails. It was a good thing that the girl didn't start to climb up after her until River had already turned the key. She pressed the red button and was suddenly snatched up by the girl.
A green light started to glow over the three in the circle. "Jump River! Trust me!"
River The Wombat somersaulted out of the girl's arms. The Dogtor* stood up on his hind legs and the entire area filled with the green light.
"You can put me down now, Doctor." River said with a smile. The Doctor, caught between smiling and sudden awkward surprise, blinked.
He looked at her attempting to think of something, "Just wanted to make sure you were safe. Could break a wombat's arm, jumping like that. Wouldn't want to have you break your arm."
She patted his cheek, "That's adorable, sweetie. Now let me down, the children are staring."
Amy started to giggle, and Rory looked down, a grin on his face.
"Right! Sorry. Now, I'm entirely certain the girl who's arm you just clawed up was the dictator's daughter."
"Oh, for the love of-"
"RUN!" The Doctor shouted, grabbing River's and Amy's hand. Amy latched on to Rory's and before they knew it they were in the TARDIS.
"Doctor? Next time you want to hit a button to see what happens, may I press it, not some random stranger?" River asked, crossing her arms.
"Why?" The Doctor looked up from the TARDIS console.
"We were animals. I was a wombat."
The Doctor looked at her, his mouth open slightly, "Wombats are cool."
*Borrowed from the book. Arthur(Rory) is asked the same thing and his rumor is that the Doctor turns into a dog. And then there was that pun.
So, tell me what you think! Did you like this crack fic? Think it was not an honor to the 1,000 readers? Would you review for Tea, Scones, and chocolate trufflesThose will be given to everyone who reviews!