in another life
i own squee not.
it is the habit of small children to see their parents-and all adults-as flawless, godlike creatures that can do no wrong. like dissociation, this habit is a brilliant coping mechanism, a way for children to stay sane. if they did not trust their parents wholeheartedly, they would surely break, like i did. and, following this line of thought, it is natural to assume that a child who is abused or neglected will blame themselves so that the adults in there lives are able to retain their godlike image. but, like dissociation, self-blame can become chronic, and what was once the only thing keeping the child sane now becomes what tears him apart as he grows older. indeed, it is a dangerous tightrope to tiptoe across. and yet people do it every day. like a boy i used to know-he lived next door to me. i wish i knew what had happened to him.
chapter1: standing hollow
what was once a cute and slightly paranoid boy was now a tall, pale, handsome young man with dark hair and beautiful eyes. he glanced over his back to make sure she wasn't watching, and then snatched a razor out of the medicine cabinet. "todd?" thankfully, jopie always made her presense known before she appeared, and the man thanked god for that. he hid the razor quickly and took up his toothbrush. "todd, is something wrong?" "oh.oh no. i'm just a little nervious, you know? the interview and all." jopie smiled sadly. she had been living with todd for about a year now, and yet they hadn't even mentioned marriage. "are you sure?" "ummm.yeah. everything's fine. i'll be up in a minute." jopie came into the bathroom and threw her arms around his neck. "todd?" "yes?" "i love you." "i.love you too." she really had no idea how hard it was for him to say that. she turned and left, her thin blonde hair brushing his cheek. he heard her feet on the stairs and turned away, again pulling out the razor. he was afraid, just now, afraid that she'd find out all his dark, dirty secrets. he was afraid she'd realize that he wasn't truly alive, that he was a walking corpse, a black hole that can never be safe or sane. he pitied her for being there, and putting up with his fears and night terrors and panic attacks; and he loved her dearly for being there, not packing up and leaving him. he wouldn't be able if blame her if she did. drawing in his breath and taking up his razor, todd stepped into the void.
i own squee not.
it is the habit of small children to see their parents-and all adults-as flawless, godlike creatures that can do no wrong. like dissociation, this habit is a brilliant coping mechanism, a way for children to stay sane. if they did not trust their parents wholeheartedly, they would surely break, like i did. and, following this line of thought, it is natural to assume that a child who is abused or neglected will blame themselves so that the adults in there lives are able to retain their godlike image. but, like dissociation, self-blame can become chronic, and what was once the only thing keeping the child sane now becomes what tears him apart as he grows older. indeed, it is a dangerous tightrope to tiptoe across. and yet people do it every day. like a boy i used to know-he lived next door to me. i wish i knew what had happened to him.
chapter1: standing hollow
what was once a cute and slightly paranoid boy was now a tall, pale, handsome young man with dark hair and beautiful eyes. he glanced over his back to make sure she wasn't watching, and then snatched a razor out of the medicine cabinet. "todd?" thankfully, jopie always made her presense known before she appeared, and the man thanked god for that. he hid the razor quickly and took up his toothbrush. "todd, is something wrong?" "oh.oh no. i'm just a little nervious, you know? the interview and all." jopie smiled sadly. she had been living with todd for about a year now, and yet they hadn't even mentioned marriage. "are you sure?" "ummm.yeah. everything's fine. i'll be up in a minute." jopie came into the bathroom and threw her arms around his neck. "todd?" "yes?" "i love you." "i.love you too." she really had no idea how hard it was for him to say that. she turned and left, her thin blonde hair brushing his cheek. he heard her feet on the stairs and turned away, again pulling out the razor. he was afraid, just now, afraid that she'd find out all his dark, dirty secrets. he was afraid she'd realize that he wasn't truly alive, that he was a walking corpse, a black hole that can never be safe or sane. he pitied her for being there, and putting up with his fears and night terrors and panic attacks; and he loved her dearly for being there, not packing up and leaving him. he wouldn't be able if blame her if she did. drawing in his breath and taking up his razor, todd stepped into the void.