AN: HI all! This is my first fanfic. I was listening to Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You" one night, and got inspired. This story is very dear to me, because it's something I've gone through myself. In this story Sonny is pretty much channeling my thoughts. Anyways I hope you like it! Let me know what you think! Review!
P.S. the lyrics are in bold.
SONNY'S POV
I will not make the same mistakes that you did.
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery.
I thought back to the days when I was younger. The days when my father would constantly be on a business trip and it would just be my mother and I. The days when my mother would sulk around the house, sleeping til noon because she was so depressed from not having her husband around. The days when my father would come back from a trip and my mother would ask me to leave the room so she could 'talk' to Dad.
They wouldn't talk. They'd yell. About how he'd messed everything up. About how she couldn't go live her own life, because she was stuck at home taking care of me. About how she couldn't do what she wanted or have an actual family because he was never there. My father would ask what she wanted him to do. He needed his job so he could take care of us.
After their 'talks' my mother would claim that she needed a break. She would then proceed to pack her things and leave. On her way out she would always tell me, "I will be back in a few days, Sonshine. I love you very much"
She wouldn't come back. My father and I would have to find where she was and beg her to come home.
Growing up she was always miserable. Growing up I vowed to myself I would never make the mistakes you did. I would never let myself break my heart the way you broke yours.
I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way to never let it get that far
When I was about 7, my father got tired of everything and walked out. He told my mom it was his turn to take a break. He told me to take care and that he loved me. When I asked when he would come back, he merely said that he loved me very much and to never forget it.
I haven't seen or heard from my dad since that day. My Father leaving broke my mother's heart even more than it already was. She was never the same.
Ever since she's always warned me never to let myself fall. Never to trust anyone. No one can be trusted. All you have in this world is yourself, and don't let anyone else convince you otherwise.
My mistake was that I believed her.
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Ever since those words of warning my mother spoke to me I haven't put my heart out. Sure I've made friends, but I've never truly trusted any of them. Any one I've ever liked, my mother has reminded me not to let them in. It would only cause heartache.
I've played my life on the safe side. I've lived my life on the sidelines. I've been so afraid of getting hurt that I've let my life pass me by with me being a mere spectator. By being so afraid to get hurt, I've hurt myself the most:
I've existed, but I haven't lived.
Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid
I think about all of my relationships past and present. There's been all of my 'friends', from Lucy to Tawni. Every time that I've gotten close to someone and began to trust them all I could hear in the back of my head was her voice telling me not to trust anyone but myself. Every time I've tried to reach out, I've heard her voice and contracted myself back into my shell.
I lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out
Ever since that day you've made sure that I work my hardest. You tell me that my education is the most important thing for me. Every time I don't get something perfect, you make sure to tell me what I did wrong. Every time I do something wrong, you're the first to let me know.
Do you even know what it's like to go through your life, trying your hardest to make the one person that matters the most proud of you, but that one person can't get more disappointed in you? Because of that, I've never had confidence. I've never thought I could do anything. I've never been able to be happy.
I cannot cry because I know that's weakness in your eyes
Every time she gets in a bad mood, because she realizes just how wrong she's let things go, she takes it out on me. She points out all my faults. She reminds me of why I'm not good enough for anything. She pushes me down until I'm four inches tall.
Every time she breaks me down it gets to me. Every time I want nothing more than to burst out in tears. Yet every time I know I can't because to her that's showing the weakest part of me.
So ever since she told me don't show my weaknesses, I haven't. Therefore, I've hidden any emotion away.
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life
She tells me not to cry. So I do the only thing I can to keep from crying: I fake a smile. I go through my life on a comedy show, faking my happiness. My "sonnyness" isn't all that sunny. Chad Dylan Cooper should lose his title as best actor. I think I deserve it.
I have to go through my whole life pretending to feel a way that I don't. Pretending my heart isn't broken into a million pieces.
My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with
She told me don't trust cause it'll only break your heart. I've learned that one a long time ago. Don't worry Mom. My heart can't break. After everything, it's not even whole to start with.
You know the saying 'It's hard to fix something that isn't broke'. It's even harder to break something that's already smashed.
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I think back to all those nights growing up when I would fall asleep to the sounds of her crying. I remember her crying constantly because of how bad things were. I never remember I time when she was genuinely happy.
I was so young you should have known better than to lean on me
All those times she would cry I would go and comfort her. She would just keep crying and telling me how wrong things had gone. How it was never supposed to get like this. How she missed my dad so much.
Through all this I had to stay strong for her. Growing up I had to be the one that never broke down, because I was the only thing holding her up. She should have known not to depend on me so much.
You never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain
She never thought of how it all affected me. She never cared how it affected me. She would just focus on how it affected her.
And that's what finally broke me.
And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing
So now here I sit. 3 am. Thinking back to everything and crying. Crying my eyes out because of how hurt I am. And it's all her fault for depending on me when I was having difficulties staying strong for myself.
Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
So now I try to forget this ever happened. I try to be strong and happy. I try to tell myself how good my life is. It really is great, but I can't cherish it. I can't cherish it, because there's too much to get past.
Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in
I don't know how to trust. I don't know how to feel. I'm unsure of how to let people in because of the wall I've built up over the years. My wall that believe me, she'd be so proud of.
I don't know how to break that wall and learn to live and love for myself.
Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
I am ashamed of how I live. I am ashamed of being an empty shell. I am also ashamed because I haven't learned how to live any differently.
Because of you I am afraid
I don't know how to live my life. I can't live my life because I'm too afraid. It's not just my wall and my memories holding me back. It's not my own fault. It's hers. My life is empty because of everything she taught me. And I'm afraid to change it because of everything she's said. Because of you, Mom, I am afraid.