THE WHIZZER MAX
By Buck Remus
PAGE ONE Splash
We see the fastest man who ever lived, The Whizzer, speeding at the reader, punching the heads off Nazis, Mobsters and Homosexuals – the greatest temptations any American male has ever faced.
THE WHIZZER:
Fuckers!
Panel 1 bottom right hand corner.
A plane, crashed vertically, in the clearing of a Green African Jungle Hell!
DIALOG BOX:
Holy Shit! Dr. Emil Frank watches his son dying right before his and a bunch of nosy animals eyes – and he is powerless to help – and it's in Africa!
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Bob – Bob! If you die your mother won't give me sex for weeks! I can't let that happen!
PAGE TWO Panel 1
Dr. Emil Frank paces about the fallen Bob's hopelessly broken body, chain-smoking filterless Camel brand cigarettes – deliciously smooth for that rich Turkish flavor you've come to trust.
DR. EMIL FRANK:
OY VEY! I've got no idea how we got to Africa from Newark in a Cessna, but DAMN this is a great cigarette! Camel, the brand I've come to trust for that smooth Turkish flavor!
Panel 2
Dr. Emil Frank looks agog as a King Cobra snake, for no good reason, bites into the lifeless form of Bob.
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Mmm, that's rich – OH SHIT! A SNAKE! I must - -
Panel 3
DIALOG BOX:
Suddenly, a friggin' MONGOOSE (a cross between a Rastafarian and a goose) jumps out of that jungle hell and flies – yes, flies – at the hideous snake!
SFX:
Flarf!
Panel 4
Just dialog
EXCITING ACTION PACKED DIALOG BOX:
Dudes, you should have seen it! It was totally fucking insane – The Mongoose completely went Matrix on that Cobra's ass, he pulled out some throwing stars and - and used a katana and finally blew it's head off with a combat shotgun – ALL WHILE FLYING AND PUFFIN' ON SOME MAJOR GANJ!
Panel 5
Dr. Emil Frank shoots the Mongoose in the back!
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Back! You deranged platypus! Keep your poison duckbill away from my son!
THE MONGOOSE:
Babylon Vampire come correct!
Panel 6
Bob is shown reviving on the jungle floor as Dr. Emil Frank wipes down a syringe.
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Ahh, so platypus blood did the trick. Just like in college!
Panel 7
Bob holds Dr. Emil Frank's wilted form.
DIALOG BOX:
Dr. Frank falls down - - the mighty ganja of The Mongoose kicking his wrinkled old ass. Bob, very fucking confused, kneels beside him.
BOB:
Father, you've saved me! But what's the matter with you? You're – You're—
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Rhaatid! So-so Boasin Tone!!
Panel 8
Same scenario, different angle.
DR. EMIL FRANK:
You're going to be different than most men, son – You have the blood of the Platypus and Cobra in you! What that means – I haven't a clue, but you're gonna be a whizzer, kid! Don't let your mother find my collection of latex fetish DVDeeess….
BOB:
Father! Father! He's STONED!
Panel 9
Bob stands over Dr. Emil Frank's body swinging his arm in a blur.
BOB:
Father called me a Whizzer - - What did he mean? He gave me Platypus blood? I'm confused.. WHOA! My arms really 'whizzing'! Can't wait to try that out tonight!
Panel 10
Head and shoulders picture of Bob looking grim faced.
BOB:
It must be the Platypus / Cobra venom my dad fixed me with! I've received the Cobra's speed and the Platypus's flying ability! I'm the greatest man who ever lived! Dad was right – I'm a Whizzer! LOLWUT?
PAGE THREE Panel 1
Bob stands at the top of a hill on top of the Mongoose, cradling his father and holding the Cobra corpse to the sky!
DIALOG BOX:
The Whizzer makes a vow!
BOB:
Now I'll be able to avenge Father for some non-descript ill bestowed upon him in the past, I'm guessing! Now I'll make Granno ,The Granny Man, pay for the wicked crimes he's commited! Fuck Tha Police – I'm the Goddamn Whizzer, Byonchi!
SFX:
Bitches Don't Know About My Whizzer!
Panel 2
Boring ass dialog box.
DIALOG BOX:
Good Christ! Do you REALLY need to know what the fuck he's yammering about? Okay, let me take baby's hand and walk you through this…
Panel 3
Dr. Emil Frank is smoking a cigarette in a room.
DIALOG BOX:
It's called a flashback, you drooling moron!
Panel 4
A man dressed up as an old woman and Mario, holding a drunken dude, walk in the room. Dr. Frank is smoking HARD!
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
Wassup, nikka! My boy got the runny dik – fix his shit TO GO!
Panel 5
Dr. Emil Frank recoils from what he sees as the man is laid on the table.
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Holy SHIT! That's not the clap, gentlemen – this man's been shot! In the PENIS!
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
You callin' me a LIAR, nikka?!
Panel 6
Granno physically forces the shocked Dr. Emil Frank stab the victim in the crotch over and over.
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Ahh, I'm not sure I'm qualified for sex reassignment surgery!
SFX:
WHAHOOO!
Panel 7
Granno grabs Dr. Emil Frank by the collar, both he and Mario are laughing maniacally!
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
Damn, you fucked up in the game now – that bitch is dead!
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Well, you see, sex reassignment isn't really a team sport and…
Panel 8
Granno kicks Dr. Emil Frank in the lip as Bob comes through the door!
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
It's all good in the hood, G – I wanted that lil' nig bled – but you did it so you better split for Africa and get back to Roots and shit!
PAGE FOUR Panel 1
Bob lunges at Granno!
BOB:
Aw, you fuckin' dried up old whore!
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
Whatever, bitches - - Bring it!
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Bob, don't! These Homosexuals mean business!
Panel 2
Somehow Bob gets punked out. I dunno.
SFX:
BLOWJOB?
Panel 3
Bob is splayed out on the ground with Dr. Emil Frank cradling his head. Granno and Mario are leaving through a window.
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
You better remember what I tol' your cracker ass – back to Africa or we turn that kid of yours out! BITCH!
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Aw, you motherfuckin' – FUCK YOU!
Panel 4
Dr. Emil Frank stands grim faced and makes the following proclamation:
DR. EMIL FRANK:
Someday soon, my kid Bob is gonna get some superpowers and make you pay, Granno – don't think so? People are changing everyday. I figure going to Africa – shit – he'll get some whacked out power in under a week!
Panel 5
Bob is looking at the ocean from the deck of a steamliner.
BOB:
Are mermaids real? I've heard tale that they're just things sailors' say when they mean they've been engaging in sex with each other. Like code. Strange, there hasn't been a single female in this story yet…
Panel 6
Bob now, looking bummed out.
DIALOG BOX:
Dateline:Africa NOW, dumbass!
BOB:
Wow, I'm really starting to worry about the lack of women in this story! I need something to take my mind off of it! I KNOW! I'll go back to the States and kill Granno and his gang! Making matters worse – I'll call myself THE WHIZZER! That'll look great on the news!
Panel 7
The Whizzer, in full urine yellow and baby blue costume stands staring at himself in a mirror.
DIALOG BOX:
The Whizzer, in full urine yellow and baby blue costume stands staring at himself in a mirror. There's still time to take it off and get a life, Bob!
PAGE FIVE Panel 1
Bob, in a trenchcoat covering up his Whizzer gear (but still wearing the pigeon Cowlmet) knocks on Granno's door.
BOB:
I know. It's called the internet – try it sometime, retard.
Panel 2
Granno answers the door holding a bottle of booze, clearly shitfaced.
BOB:
Get your funky ass inside!
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
Blowjob's fitty, full ser-WTF?
Panel 3
Read The Dialog Box, Einstein.
DIALOG BOX:
Bob's fists Whizz Pummel Granno's face into a gory mess of shattered bone and swelling flesh!
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
GaLORF!
SFX:
CUNCHCUNCHCUNCHCUNCH! Splort! Speee! Poug!
BOB:
Ya like that, BITCH? MMmm! That's good fist!
Panel 4
DIALOG BOX:
Another Granno appears in the doorway as the other Granno's head erupts in a fountain of gore from the endless thunder of Bob The Whizzers onslaught!
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
NO! GRANNA! MY GRANNA! NOOO!
BOB:
Lolwut?
Panel 5
Granno cradles the messy remains of his grandmother looking angrily at Bob.
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
You killed my Granna – the only female in the whole story, I might ad- you fuckin' douchebag!
BOB:
Whatever! You killed my father!
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
Wha? No I didn't – I just sent him to Aaafricaaa!
BOB:
Okay, well - - wait. Did you just sing the melody to Toto's 1984 hit single 'Africa'?
Panel 6
The two start fighting, the argument over Toto's 'Africa' continues.
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
1983.
Bob:
What?
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
The song was released in 1983. Reached #1 in the muthaphukkin' Billboard charts in February!
Panel 7
More arguing and fighting, Bob The Whizzer breaks Grannos' arm in half.
BOB:
I highly doubt that! You mean to tell me that the song reached #1 within six weeks of the album being released?
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
What the fuck is so strange about that?
BOB:
Singles are customarily released two or so months BEFORE an album in order to garner interest and boost sales.
SFX:
Break a celery stalk!
Panel 8
The two combatants point at each other.
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
Alright, hold up, hold up. We need to get this issue resolved.
BOB:
How do you suggest we do that?
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN & BOB:
WikiPEEDIAAAA!
PAGE SIX Panel 1
Granno sits at his desktop PC with Bob The Whizzer leaning over his shoulder.
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
Okay, shit, you right. Toto's 'Africa' came off of TOTO IV that was actually released in fuckiiiiin 1982. So you kinda wrong, too but, whatevs. Youtube got the video. Wanna watch?
BOB:
Nah. I wanna finish killing you, that cool?
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
No, it ain't fuckin' 'cool', nikka!
Panel 2
The fight resumes, this time Mario, Luigi and the Mushroom guy are in on the action! Bob The Whizzer has used his super speed to scoop out all of their eyes with a pair of spoons and is juggling them! The gang has blood spraying from all available orifices and looks miserable.
BOB:
Here's Lookin' You Dot Com! Sorry, sorry…bad joke – look I'm new at this just gimme some time…
Panel 3
Bob The Whizzer uses his Mongoose derived power of flight to float over the hapless thugs and urinate into their faces!
BOB:
I! AM! THE WHIZZER!!!
Panel 4
Bob The Whizzer punches Granno's head sending his brain flying out the top!
GRANNO THE GRANNY MAN:
Gonna take the time to do those things we never haaaaad!
SFX:
I CATCH THE RAINS!
Panel 5
Bob The Whizzer urinating into Granno's open skull, the pee fountains out of his empty eye sockets, nostrils, ears and mouth! SHOCK EFFECT!
BOB:
MARVEL MAX! SUGGESTED FOR 'MATURE' READERS!
Panel 6
Bob The Whizzer speeds toward the reader waving a bloody hand at them.
BOB:
HOLY FUCK was that fun or what, adults? Make sure to catch my next adventure right here in MAX MONTHLY! Take any complaints and send them to
See Ya Next Month!