A Tale of Two Sitcoms
One morning, in Chicago…
"More coffee, Bob?" Emily Hartley asked her husband.
Dr. Bob Hartley drained his cup, and then looked at his wristwatch. "No thanks, Emily," he responded. "I'd better get going."
They rose from the breakfast table, and she walked over to him. Putting her arms around him, she said, "I'm gonna miss you, Bob."
"I'll miss you, too," he nodded, "but after all, it's only for one night."
"I know," she sighed. Then, "Bob, are you sure you want to go through with this? I mean, a TV call-in show just doesn't seem like something you'd want to do."
"Yeah, I think this is something I want to check out,' he said. "I just… I don't know, I love my work, I love my practice, it's just that I seem to be in kind of a… kind of a rut."
"But, Bob, in Minneapolis?" she asked.
"Well," he shrugged, "maybe a change of scenery, too."
"Now, Bob," she asked slyly, "you're not becoming middle-aged crazy, are you?"
"Emily," he responded, "I am a mental health professional. You know I don't like to use words like that, especially about myself."
"Crazy?" she asked.
"No," he shook his head, "middle aged."
They both laughed, then kissed and hugged each other. As they separated, Emily asked, kiddingly, "Bob, you wouldn't leave me for some young Twin Cities bimbo, would you?"
Bob furrowed his brow, and said, "Young twin bimbos? Now, there's a thought."
Emily playfully slapped him on the arm, and said, "Oh, you." Then, "So, do you have everything?"
"Yeah," said Bob, as they walked over to the front door. He picked up his briefcase in one hand, and his suitcase in the other. "Got my briefcase, got my suitcase, and Jerry's driving me to the airport this afternoon. I'm all set."
"All right, then," she said. She gave him a quick kiss, then added, "Good luck."
"Thanks," he nodded.
"Here, let me get the door for you," she said.
She had just turned toward the front door, when it opened, and Howard Borden stepped in.
"Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily," he said. Noticing Bob's suitcase, he said, "Oh, no, Bob! Don't leave! Things can't be that bad. You two can patch things up. Emily, you two are so good together. You can work things out. You just have to try!"
"Howard…Howard, calm down," said Bob. Emily put a reassuring hand on Howard's shoulder, and said, "It's all right, Howard, Bob's not leaving me. He's just going on a business trip."
"That's right," said Bob, "I'll be back tomorrow."
"Oh, thank goodness," sighed Howard, "you had me scared. I don't know what I'd do without you two."
"Well, it's all right, Howard," said Emily, patting his shoulder, "come on in and have some breakfast."
"OK, Emily, thanks," said Howard, and he headed for the breakfast table.
"All right, then, I'm going now," said Bob.
Emily gave Bob another kiss, and said, "Have a good trip, Bob. Call me tonight."
"I will," responded Bob.
"Call me, too!" called Howard from the breakfast table.
"Sure, Howard," answered Bob. Then, "Emily, take care of Howard while I'm gone."
Emily laughed, and said, "You know I will."
Bob smiled and nodded, then turned and went out the door.
That same morning, in Minneapolis…
Mary Richards sat chatting with Murray Slaughter, whose own desk adjoined hers.
Lou Grant strode out of his office, and over to Mary's desk. Halfway there, he called, "Hey, Mary!"
"Yes, Mr. Grant," responded Mary, looking up from the paperwork she had been reading.
When he reached her desk, he asked, "You know that new show we're doing, 'Ask the Doctor'?"
"Yes," she answered, "the show where viewers call in their questions to a psychologist?"
"Right," nodded Lou, "we've got one coming in tomorrow to audition. Name is…" He consulted the sheet of paper he was carrying in his hand.
"Hartley," he said, "Dr. Bob Hartley from Chicago. Anyway, I want you to interview him tomorrow."
"Well, Mr. Grant," said Mary, "you're the producer of the show, don't you want to do the interview yourself?"
"Actually, Mary," he answered, "I'm the executive producer. And, in that capacity, I'm making the executive decision to make you the producer."
"Oh. Well. Certainly, Mr. Grant," responded Mary, "It's just that I've never been involved with that type of show before."
"Don't worry," said Lou, "it's simple. Ted introduces the Doc, then we put through the calls. We'll have pre-screened those calls before they get on the air. Ted reads the caller's first name off the teleprompter, the caller asks his question, and the doc answers. Simple."
"Well, Mr. Grant, when you put it like that, I'm sure I can handle it," said Mary.
"Good!" nodded Lou, handing her the sheet of paper. "Here's the info on this Dr. Hartley."
He took a step back toward his office, then stopped and turned around. "Oh," he said, "you'd better have Ted at the interview, too. Give him a chance to meet with this guy."
"I've thought for a long time that Ted should meet with a psychologist," said Murray.
"Murray," Mary scolded.
"You're probably right, Murray," said Lou, grinning.
As he spoke, Ted Baxter stepped through the newsroom doors. "Right about what, Lou?" asked Ted.
"Nothing, Ted" said Lou.
"Ted!" said Mary, "We were just talking about the new show."
"Oh, yes," said Ted, importantly, "my new show. You know, I've been thinking about the title. What do you guys think of this?" He moved his right hand, palm out, in front of him from left to right as if tracing words across a television screen. "Ted Baxter Presents, 'Ask the Doctor'." Nodding and smiling, he looked to the others in turn. "Huh…huh?" he asked, "Really adds something to it, doesn't it?"
"Yes, it certainly adds 'something'," said Murray, sarcastically.
"Ted," said Lou, "we're gonna stick with 'Ask the Doctor'. Also, Mary's gonna be producing the show, so she'll have some things to go over with you. Right, Mary?"
"Right, Mr. Grant," responded Mary.
"Good," said Lou, "I'll be in my office." With that, he turned and headed there.
"See you, Lou," said Murray.
"Well, Ted," said Mary, "tomorrow morning we'll be meeting with a possible doctor for the show. His name is Bob Hartley, and he's from Chicago."
"Good, good," said Ted, nodding thoughtfully, "you can check this guy out, see how you think he'll do on my show."
"Well, actually, Ted," said Mary, "I want you to meet him, too."
"Good idea," agreed Ted, nodding. "We can see how he'd work with me. See if he has the right chemistry."
"Ted, to work with you, he'd need a Nobel Prize in chemistry," said Murray.
Ted, oblivious to Murray's barb, said, "Say, that reminds me. If this show does well, it could mean a Teddy award. Do you think I'd have to share it with this doctor?"
Mary said, "Well, Ted, let's just worry about getting the show on the air, first, OK?"
"Right, Mary," responded Ted, "like they say, 'we'll burn that bridge when we come to it'. Well, I'll be in my dressing room." With that, he turned and headed toward the studio doors.
Mary and Murray watched Ted exit the newsroom, then looked at each other.
"So, Murray," said Mary, "how would you like to be a producer?"
That afternoon, back in Chicago…
Bob opened the door of his private office, and allowed his patient, Elliot Carlin to precede him out.
"Now remember, Mr. Carlin," said Bob, "there's no need to feel paranoid. Everyone's not out to get you."
"Maybe not everyone," responded Elliot, "just most people."
"Well, I'm not one of them," said Bob, smiling.
"Oh, yeah?" said Elliot, "you wouldn't know it from looking at the bills you send me."
Before Bob could respond, he continued, "Anyway, I'm out of here. See you next week." With that, he looked suspiciously to his left and right, and added, "Maybe." He then turned and strode toward the elevators.
Bob walked over to the secretarial station in the center of the room, where his secretary, Carol Bondurant was seated.
"Carol, Mr. Carlin was my last patient of the day, wasn't he?" he asked.
"Yes, he was, Bob," she said, "but are you sure you want to move to Minneapolis and turn him over to another doctor?"
Bob sighed, and said with mock regret, "It'd be tough."
At that moment, Dr. Jerry Robinson approached from the direction of his office.
"So, Bob," he asked, "are you ready to go to the airport?"
"Yeah, Jerry," he responded, "just let me get my things." With that, Bob stepped back into his office, picked up his briefcase and suitcase, and stepped back out, closing the door behind him.
"Again, Jerry," he said, "I appreciate you driving me to the airport."
"No problem, Bob," said Jerry, " I was able to clear all my afternoon appointments. You did that for me, didn't you, Carol?"
"It was easy", shrugged Carol, "you didn't have any afternoon appointments."
"Gee, Jerry," said Bob, "is business bad for you?"
"Yeah, but it'll pick up," responded Jerry. "I just read an article that said cavities and tooth decay are increasing among Americans." With that, he beamed brightly at Bob.
"That…that is good news," Bob responded. Then "So, are you ready to go?"
"Yeah, let's do this," said Jerry.
"Carol, I'll see you on Wednesday," said Bob, as the two men headed toward the elevators.
"OK, Bob, have a good trip," she said. Then she added, "Oh, Bob, one more thing."
"Yeah, Carol," responded Bob, as he and Jerry turned to face the front of the elevator.
"Don't forget us when you become a big TV star," she said.
"Oh, I won't," said Bob. Then, looking as if he was trying to recall it, he asked, "What was your name again?" Turning to Jerry, he said, "Let's go, driver. Can't keep a big TV star waiting, you know."
"Yeah, right," said Jerry, as he pushed the elevator button. He added. "Listen, Bob. Don't be too disappointed if this doesn't work out. I just don't think a call-in psychologist show would succeed."
"No?" asked Bob.
"Now, a call-in dentist show…" said Jerry.
Bob smiled and waved to Carol as the elevator door closed.
The next morning, back in Minneapolis…
Mary pushed through the swinging doors into the newsroom.
"Morning, Murray," she said.
"Morning, Mary," he responded, not looking up from his typing.
"Sorry I'm late," she said, "is Dr. Hartley here yet?"
"Not yet," he said.
"Good," she said, "How about Mr. Grant?"
"Yeah, Lou's already in a meeting in the station manager's office. Wild Jim is here."
"Wild Jim?" asked Mary, "I didn't know he was coming."
"No one did," said Murray, "but that's one of the perks of owning the station. You can come and go unannounced, if you want."
"He certainly is eccentric," she said.
" 'Shoot from the hip', that's what he calls his management philosophy," he said.
Just then, Bob stepped through the doors of the newsroom.
"Good morning," he said, "I'm looking for Mr. Grant."
"Mary asked, "Are you Dr. Hartley?"
"Yes…yes I am," nodded Bob.
Mary extended her hand and said, "Dr. Hartley, thank you for coming. I'm Mary Richards. Mr. Grant is the executive producer of the show, and I'm the producer, and I'll be conducting your interview."
As they shook hands, Bob said, "Well, good. It's nice to meet you."
Indicating Murray, Mary said, "Dr. Hartley, this is Murray Slaughter, our news writer."
The two men shook hands and exchanged greetings.
"Well, Dr. Hartley," Mary said, "our anchorman, Ted Baxter, will be co-hosting the show, and I've asked him to sit in on the interview. He should be here any minute now. In the meantime, would you like some coffee?"
"Yes, please," responded Bob, "just black will be fine."
"Coming up," said Mary, walking over to the coffee maker.
Bob looked around the room, and said, "You know, I've never been in a TV newsroom before. It seems kind of quiet, now, but I'll bet it can get pretty exciting around here."
"At times," said Murray, who had returned to his typing. He added, "You never know when something strange or unusual might pop up."
At that moment, Ted pushed through the doors into the newsroom.
"Morning, guys," he said.
"Morning, Ted," said Murray. "I was just talking about you."
"Oh?" Ted frowned, suspiciously.
"Ted, good morning," said Mary, walking over with two Styrofoam cups of coffee. "This is Dr. Hartley, whom we'll be interviewing this morning for the new show. Dr. Hartley, this is Ted Baxter, and he'll be co-hosting."
As the two men shook hands, Ted said, "Dr. Hartley, Ted Baxter." Lowering his voice an octave, he added, importantly, "The anchor man. Welcome to Minneapolis."
Bob, said, "Nice…nice to meet you, Mr. Baxter."
Ted gave Bob a friendly pat on the shoulder, and said, "You can call me Ted."
"Well, thanks…Ted," said Bob. "And I'm Bob."
"Here's your coffee, Dr. Hartley," said Mary, handing Bob the cup. "and please call me Mary."
"Thank you, Mary" said Bob.
Ted reached out and took the other cup, which Mary had poured for herself.
"Thanks, Mary," he said, "so, let's get this show on the road." Turning to Bob, he added, "As we say in show business."
"Ah," Bob nodded, trying to sound impressed.
"Right," said Mary. "Now, Mr. Grant's in a meeting, so we can use his office. Right this way."
Mary led the two men into Lou's office.
"Well, let's have a seat," she said. She looked at Lou's chair and hesitated. Ted, sensing that hesitation, strode over to the desk and seated himself with the air of a man in charge. Mary and Bob took the two chairs facing the desk.
"All right then," said Ted, "let's talk about my show."
"Right," said Mary, giving Ted an annoyed look. Turning to Bob, she asked, "Now, Dr. Hartley, have you ever done any television before?"
"No, no I haven't," answered Bob. Then he added, "But, I have watched a lot of it." He chuckled hopefully. Mary laughed politely, but Ted, frowning thoughtfully, said "Good answer, Bob."
"Now, as you know," Mary continued, "the format of this show is 'call-in'. The viewers will phone in, Ted will ask what their question is, and you will give a brief answer."
"I see," nodded Bob.
"Oh, and the calls will be screened, probably by me, before they ever get to you," Mary said.
"That's right," interjected Ted, "they'll be carefully screened. We don't want some nut on the air, spouting whatever silly thing comes into his head."
Mary and Bob looked at Ted, then exchanged a quick sidelong glance.
"Well, Dr. Hartley," said Mary, "one of the reasons for the screening process is to make sure that the caller has a question that can be answered in a minute or two. If they have more complex issues, we'll recommend that they seek therapy through normal channels."
"But not through our channel, eh?" interjected Ted. "Channel nine, get it?" he laughed.
Bob smiled and nodded at Ted, then turned back to Mary. He said, "Well, that's good, Mary. I'm glad to hear that. Frankly, I wouldn't want to be called upon to give some pat answer to what could be a serious psychological issue."
Mary smiled, and said, "Well we seem to be on the same page on that."
Ted said, "Bob, just between us, is there really anything to this psychology business, or is it just a lot of talking?"
"Ted!" exclaimed Mary, "Dr. Hartley is a trained, professional psychologist. How could you ask him something like that?"
Bob raised his hands to Mary in a placating gesture. "No, no, Mary, it's…it's all right," he said.
Turning to Ted, he said, "Yes, Ted, psychology is a proven, therapeutic form of health care. And, it certainly is based in talking. I'm not a psychiatrist, I don't prescribe drugs. I'm not a brain surgeon. But,
I do try to help my patients through talking. Talking with them, not to them. Talking together, and working through their issues together. That's psychology."
Bob glanced at Mary, who gave him a smile and an approving nod. He then turned back to Ted.
Ted was smiling and nodding, too. "Good," he said, "very good, Bob. You can answer the tough questions. That's important in the tough, unforgiving world of television."
"Well…thanks, Ted," said Bob.
Ted leaned back in Lou's chair. He said, "Tell me something, Bob. Do you think we'll get enough calls to fill a half-hour show? Do you really think there are that many people out there who need help?"
"Yes…yes I do, Ted," responded Bob. He glanced at Mary who smiled knowingly.
At that moment, Lou opened the door to his office. Ted sprang from Lou's chair like a jack-in-the-box.
"Hello, Lou!" he exclaimed.
"Hey, guys," said Lou, "sorry to interrupt."
"No, Mr. Grant, it's all right," said Mary. Indicating Bob, she said, "This is Dr. Hartley."
Lou extended his hand to Bob, and said, "Doctor, nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you, too," responded Bob.
Lou sighed audibly. Then he said, "Well, the reason I interrupted the interview is that I've just come from a meeting with the owner of the station. And, unfortunately, he's pulled the plug on 'Ask the Doctor'"
"Oh, Mr. Grant!" exclaimed Mary.
"He can't do that!" yelled Ted.
"Yes, he can, Ted," said Lou, "Remember, he signs all of our paychecks. He can do anything he wants at this station."
"But, Mr. Grant, it just doesn't seem right," said Mary.
"No, it isn't right," said Lou. "in fact, it stinks. But, you know Wild Jim. 'Shoot from the hip', and all that. When we first told him about the show, he liked the idea. Then, all of a sudden he said, 'Hey, I've got a better idea! We'll do a call-in show, but we won't use a psychologist.'"
Bob asked, "Not…not 'Ask the Dentist'?"
"Dentist?" asked Lou. He shook his head and said, "No, it's gonna be called 'Ask the Coach'. People can call in to talk about football."
"So, Lou," asked Ted, "does this mean…?"
"Yes, Ted," said Lou, "You're still gonna be the co-host."
"Good," said Ted, smiling in relief. Then, turning to Bob, he said, "I'm sorry for you though, Bob."
"Well," Bob shrugged, "that's show business."
Ted nodded thoughtfully, then said, "Good line, Bob. I think you would have done well. Better luck next time."
"Anyway," said Lou, "Doc, sorry you had to come all the way up here for nothing. But, Wild Jim wanted me to give you this, for your trouble. "Lou then handed Bob a check. Bob looked at it, and said, "Well, I like the little cowboy on it. I like all the zeroes, too. Please thank Wild Jim for me." Noticing Ted trying to see the amount on the check, Bob frowned, and put it in his inner jacket pocket.
"I will, Doc," said Lou, extending his hand to Bob, "and next time you're in Minneapolis, stop by and see us."
"I…I'll do that, Mr. Grant," said Bob, shaking hands.
"Good," said Lou, "now I have to get back to the meeting." Lou headed toward the door, then stopped and turned around.
"Oh, Mary," he said, "I need you to call Minnesota State. They just hired a new head football coach. See if he'd be interested in interviewing for the show. His name is Hayden Fox."
"I'll get right on it, Mr. Grant," said Mary.
"Good," said Lou, and again turned toward the door.
"Oh, Lou," said Ted, quickly coming around the desk to catch up with him. As the two went out the door, Ted asked, "With this new format change, will there be any more money in it for me?"
Just before he closed the door behind them, Lou was heard to say, emphatically, "No, Ted!"
Bob stood up, and said, "Well, I guess I'd better be going, too."
Mary stood also, and said, "Dr. Hartley, I'm so sorry things didn't work out."
"Oh, that's all right, Mary," said Bob, "Say, how would you say I did in the interview?"
"Well, Dr. Hartley…" she began.
"Please," he interrupted, "call me Bob."
"Well," she said, smiling, "I would have given you the job. Bob." She extended her hand, and they shook.
That evening, back in Chicago…
Bob stepped through the front door of his apartment.
"Emily, I'm home!" he called.
"Bob?" asked Emily as she came out of the bedroom. "You're home early."
"Yeah, I caught an earlier flight, and then a cab," said Bob, putting down his briefcase and suitcase.
Emily walked over to her husband, and kissed him. Then she asked, "Well, how did it go?"
Bob shook his head, and said, "I didn't get it. In fact, they cancelled the show during the interview."
"During the interview!" exclaimed Emily.
Bob shrugged, and said, "That's show business. When I said that in Minneapolis, I was told that was a good line."
"Oh, Bob," said Emily, embracing him, "I'm so sorry."
"Thanks, Emily," said Bob.
"Well, anyway," she said, "you have some time to relax before we go out to dinner."
"We're going out to dinner?" he asked.
"We're meeting Carol and Jerry," Emily nodded. "Howard's coming too."
"Oh," he said. "That sounds nice."
"The thing is, Bob," she said, "we planned this as a celebration dinner if you got the job, and as a consolation dinner if you didn't."
"Well that's…that's very thoughtful of you guys," he said. "I really appreciate it."
"Oh, you're welcome, Bob," she said, giving him a quick kiss.
They embraced, and then he leaned back, still holding her.
He said, "I tell you, though, I think we should consider this a celebration dinner, after all."
"Oh?" she asked.
"Yeah," he said, "I have plenty to celebrate. I have a great job I love, terrific friends, and the most beautiful, loving wife in the world."
He smiled at her, and she said, "Oh, Bob, I love you."
"I love you, too, Emily," he said, and they kissed again.
Just then, Howard came in through the front door.
"Bob, you're back!" he exclaimed, happily, then quickly walked over and embraced the two of them.
"I'm so glad you're back, Bob," he said, once he released them. "Did you get the job?"
"No, it didn't work out," said Bob.
"Oh, that's too bad," said Howard, "but that means you'll be staying, right? Right?"
Bob nodded and said, "Right."
"Well that is so great!" said Howard. Then, "OK, I'm gonna go get ready for dinner. Are we going in your car?"
"I think we will," said Bob.
"Well, then Emily, can I ride up front with Bob? Please?" asked Howard.
Emily glanced at Bob, and said, "Sure, Howard."
"Great!" he exclaimed. "OK then, I'll be right back."
With that, he rushed out the front door.
"You know, that's one more thing to celebrate," said Bob.
"What's that?" asked Emily.
Bob replied, "Our wonderful son, Howard."
The couple smiled at each other, and kissed.
The End