A/N: hey guys! i hope you like this oneshot. once you finish reading, please fav and review, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside seeing people do that :) trigger warnings: suicide, major character death
I'm mindlessly scrolling down my Instagram feed, however the bus' jostling makes it quite difficult, and I glance up out the window every so often to keep track of my surroundings. After 8 hours in hell, also known as high school, there's nothing I want to do more than get home, eat a snack, and watch some goddamned YouTube.
Finally my bus stop comes into view and I'm out of my seat the moment the bus slows to a reasonable speed. I quickly sling my backpack over my shoulder and stride down the aisle, awkwardly bumping into the seats on both sides the whole way down the fuckin' thing (why do they make it so small?!), until I scurry down the steps after saying a quick thank-you to the bus driver. I hear the little old woman wish me a good day as I clamber down the steps, and I wave to her as I cross the street in front of the bus to get to my house.
Her kind face is pushed out of my mind as I walk up my driveway, and the second I get in my house's WiFi signal range, I open my phone and click the familiar play button icon. The longest 10 seconds of my day now progresses as I wait in exasperation for the YouTube app to load up and wait for my garage door to open. Once it's high enough, I duck under the still-rising door and across the empty garage, mash the button a few times to make it stop opening and go back down, then finally enter my house.
Whenever someone tells me "make yourself at home," I never do, because I'm certain if I actually did make myself at home they'd kick me out. The first minute of my arrival home is just me throwing things; kicking my shoes haphazardly off in the laundry room, tossing my coat on the rack (not even bothering to make sure it lands on the hook and not the floor), and flinging my backpack off my shoulder and onto the kitchen table. I fly through the house like a freaking tornado, taking with me a pack of Goldfish and a blanket before finally settling on the living room couch with my phone.
I slip the earbuds into my ears and let my eyes slide across the screen, searching for the perfect video to watch while I munch on my snack. I click over to my subscriptions page, and my spirit soars as I see one of my favorite YouTubers, Dan Howell, has finally uploaded a video after months.
And then it immediately plummets.
The video is titled "Goodbye, Internet" and the thumbnail nearly breaks my heart; although Dan is smiling, it's a sad one, and I can almost see the pain behind his eyes.
This can't be real, right? This has to be a prank, right? He's not really leaving the Internet, right? Right?!
I feel the hysteria bubbling up inside me, but push it down, quelling it with rational thoughts. Of course he's not leaving the Internet, the video title must mean something else...right? There's only one way to find out. I take a deep breath, and click on the video.
"Hello, internet," Dan starts the video with his usual intro. But it's not usual at all. Far from it, in fact. I've never seen Dan look so.. sad. Defeated. Hopeless. The permanent sarcastic quip to his voice is gone, the Winnie-the-Pooh sounding articulation in it never sounded less like the cheerful bear. My soul is crushed at seeing someone I love so dearly look so unlike himself, but the video continues:
"There's no easy way to make this video, but I have to make it. It's just not fair to you guys to just.. disappear. I apologize that that's exactly what.. we did-" his voice breaks on 'we', "-on every social media, but there's a reason."
Of course I'd noticed they had been absent from all social media for the past several months, that's why I'd been more excited than usual to see he'd uploaded, but no one knew why they'd disappeared. I suppose Dan's about to tell us.
"Well, again, there's no easy way to say this, so.. here goes. Phil's.. Phil's gone."
Gone? What did he mean? Had Phil moved out, run away, left YouTube? But the tear starting to glisten in Dan's eye gives me my answer.
Not gone.
Dead.
I stare at the screen with wide, unblinking eyes as the video continues, barely comprehending what he says next:
"It all began about a year ago." A quiver begins to creep into Dan's voice, but he presses on. "Phil was getting headaches, nausea - just all around not feeling well. We went to the doctor, and found out he had a brain tumor. Inoperable. Malignant. We met with countless other doctors, surgeons, oncologists. But they all said the same thing. Phil had about 6 months to live, if that."
I notice the smallest, single tear slip over Dan's waterline. I can't even be sure I've seen it, but suddenly there's a jumpcut and the tear is gone, however Dan's eyes are slightly puffy and red.
"We kept going to doctor's appointments to keep track of the cancer, all the while hoping that something would happen. We weren't sure what we were hoping for; a miraculous recovery, a surgical breakthrough that would find a way to remove the tumor, a clinical trial, something. But nothing did. Phil continued to get worse, but we kept making videos, kept going about our normal lives. He didn't want to tell you guys, didn't want you to hope and worry alongside us, only to be crushed when he... passed."
Another jumpcut.
"But that's what happened. He lived longer than the doctors predicted, about 10 months after the initial diagnosis, but.. he didn't make it." A long pause, and this time Dan lets the viewers see his tears as they spill over relentlessly. "Phil died on January 8th in the hospital. The only good thing I can tell you is: he didn't suffer. He died surrounded by his closest friends and family, surrounded by love." Jumpcut.
I glance at the date on my screen, having to blink a few times until it comes into focus - three months ago to the day.
"Which I suppose is as good a time as any to tell you - you were right. You were always right. Phil was my husband, and I was his. I won't elaborate, because I.. I just can't." His tears have stopped but I can tell they threaten to start again at any moment. "But I can tell you, you were right all along. We began dating just a few months after we met in person, and got married in Japan." He offers the same sad smile from the thumbnail.
But his smile fades away after a few seconds. "But.. now that he's gone.." A few more moments of silence. "You've all seen the title - this is it. I'm not going to make videos anymore. I just - can't. When the love of my life, who always sat beside me in front of this camera, isn't here anymore. I've decided to leave our channels up, because it's just not right to take them down. That channel is his life's work; he poured his heart into every video. And it's just not fair to you guys. Those videos brought you so much joy, I can't take that away from you. Although I doubt you're going to watch them now..." He trails off. Jumpcut.
"I'm leaving my other social media up, too, but I'm not using them. I would like if you didn't either. Don't retweet, don't like, don't follow. I can't see my old things.. from before.. still getting activity. Of course I'm still using social media, but I'm making new accounts. Private accounts. Please don't try to find me. I need to start a new life, leave this one behind.
"Phil will always be a part of me, and I'll always be a part of him. Part of me died right alongside him when he went. But I'm trying. Trying to start a new life. It's been the worst few months of my life, but I'm living with an old friend and getting help. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I'm trying to make the best of what I have. I hope you all do the same. I'm sorry, but it's time we part ways.
"This was the most fun I've ever had.
"Goodbye, internet."
And then the screen turns black.
Autoplay tries to start another video, but I mindlessly hit 'cancel' and turn off my phone.
I don't know how long I sit there. A minute. 5 minutes. Half an hour. An hour. Time all blurs together, going agonizingly slow but horrifyingly fast at the same time. Eventually I fall out of shock and rise from the couch only to wander around my empty house a few times, my phone and forgotten Goldfish left behind.
Phil. Dead. Dan. Gone.
My whole body feels numb.
No more AmazingPhil, no more danisnotonfire, no more PINOF, no more DanandPhilGAMES, no more DanandPhilCRAFTS, no more baking videos, no more spooky week, no more Gamingmas. No more. Nothing.
Sure, their channels are still up. But like he said, how can I watch any past videos knowing what's happened? Knowing what Dan and Phil suffered through behind the scenes, but they put on a brave face and smiled through the pain. For us.
My whole body feels on fire.
The reality of it all comes crashing down on me at once.
A world without Dan and Phil doesn't feel like it's worth living in. My main source of happiness through my horrendous school years were those two dorky British guys. How can it all be gone so fast?
I know Dan is trying to move on, starting a new life for himself. I know I should lead by his example, move on. But an hour later, I still find myself in the bathroom.
I still find myself grabbing a bottle of pills.
I still find myself shaking the poisonous tablets into my hand, more than enough, so much more they spill over my hand and onto the floor.
But I still find myself downing all of them, and then more, even more, the whole bottle.
And hours later, when my mother gets home from work, she finds me as cold as the tile I lay on, surrounded by my dropped pills.