A/N: Another monologue, this time by the hat of the ever wonderful Jack
Sparrow.
The Lament of CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow's Hat
By Jack Sparrow's Hat
Oh, where to start? I am a hat. A male hat. (Hats have genders too, you know). And as a proper male hat you think I would be owned by a nice proper gentleman out to tea and other proper society outings. But no, not my luck. I got Jack.
I had been lovingly created by a wonderful hat maker named Emily. She sewed me, powdered me and took wonderful care of me. When she sold me to the hat shop I was ready to go! I was going to be the most stylish hat in town!
I was innocently sitting on the hat stand one day a few months later, minding my own business when in came the dirtiest, most bedraggled, greasiest man I had ever seen. He sauntered arrogantly up to the counter. As he walked by, I almost fainted from the horrible smell. I remember feeling very sorry for whoever the hat was that would be placed on his slimy head. Looking back, that's what you call irony.
"I want a hat. A REALLY big one," the greasy man explained to the girl at the counter. The girl led him all around the store he was unsatisfied until.....
"I want that one," he said pointing at me.
NO!! NOT ME!! Please, any hat but me! Your greasy hair will ruin my insides! Your breath will cause me to shrivel! Your lice will over run me!!
It was then I was sold to Captain Jack Sparrow for ten measly shillings, (can you believe it! I am worth SO much more than ten shillings it's not even funny!) There my life as a sad and sorry hat began.
Living on the sea is a terror! Seawater is SO bad for my complexion. However, the life of a pirate's hat is much worse than just seawater ruining my complexion. I am constantly being shot at. I have two patches from bullets! Can you believe it? When I was a young boy I would have NEVER thought I would have such a crude thing as patches. How hill-billyish. I am also constantly thrown up in the air or dropped on the ground or in worse substances. Let me just tell you this: horse dung is an absolute bane to clean out of cloth. As a pirate's hat I am constantly doused in alcoholic beverages for no apparent reason. The smell of that vile stuff does not come out for a long time.
Unfortunately being around pirates all the time means there are no lady hats AT ALL. The only lady hats I have ever seen since my days in the hat shop are the Sinaporese (A/N: Is that a word?) hats. They are all snotty lady hats who think they are better then me just because they live in Singapore. Good grief.
I can never seem to get rid of Jack, no matter how hard I try. Every time I "accidentally" get myself lost or put down somewhere, I always get back to Jack somehow. You think if he liked me that much, he might actually keep me CLEAN once in a while. I can never seem to get rid of the man.
Now do you see why it is so hard to be Jack Sparrow's hat? It's awful, just awful. If you were a hat, you would understand what I have gone through.
A/N: Yes, Jack's hat is a pompous freak, but we love it (him).That was not meant to insult Jack Sparrow, because we love him, it was just a random idea that hit me in the head at one o'clock in the morning last night.
Also, the Singapore thing was not meant to insult, it was just the only place I knew Jack had been. If you feel you must flame don't say anything dumb like "ur stoopid I hate u". That's just dumb, people. Tell me what you didn't like or I can't improve anything! Yea, I have a whole rant on that topic, fun fun fun. Happy New Year everyone!!
The Lament of CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow's Hat
By Jack Sparrow's Hat
Oh, where to start? I am a hat. A male hat. (Hats have genders too, you know). And as a proper male hat you think I would be owned by a nice proper gentleman out to tea and other proper society outings. But no, not my luck. I got Jack.
I had been lovingly created by a wonderful hat maker named Emily. She sewed me, powdered me and took wonderful care of me. When she sold me to the hat shop I was ready to go! I was going to be the most stylish hat in town!
I was innocently sitting on the hat stand one day a few months later, minding my own business when in came the dirtiest, most bedraggled, greasiest man I had ever seen. He sauntered arrogantly up to the counter. As he walked by, I almost fainted from the horrible smell. I remember feeling very sorry for whoever the hat was that would be placed on his slimy head. Looking back, that's what you call irony.
"I want a hat. A REALLY big one," the greasy man explained to the girl at the counter. The girl led him all around the store he was unsatisfied until.....
"I want that one," he said pointing at me.
NO!! NOT ME!! Please, any hat but me! Your greasy hair will ruin my insides! Your breath will cause me to shrivel! Your lice will over run me!!
It was then I was sold to Captain Jack Sparrow for ten measly shillings, (can you believe it! I am worth SO much more than ten shillings it's not even funny!) There my life as a sad and sorry hat began.
Living on the sea is a terror! Seawater is SO bad for my complexion. However, the life of a pirate's hat is much worse than just seawater ruining my complexion. I am constantly being shot at. I have two patches from bullets! Can you believe it? When I was a young boy I would have NEVER thought I would have such a crude thing as patches. How hill-billyish. I am also constantly thrown up in the air or dropped on the ground or in worse substances. Let me just tell you this: horse dung is an absolute bane to clean out of cloth. As a pirate's hat I am constantly doused in alcoholic beverages for no apparent reason. The smell of that vile stuff does not come out for a long time.
Unfortunately being around pirates all the time means there are no lady hats AT ALL. The only lady hats I have ever seen since my days in the hat shop are the Sinaporese (A/N: Is that a word?) hats. They are all snotty lady hats who think they are better then me just because they live in Singapore. Good grief.
I can never seem to get rid of Jack, no matter how hard I try. Every time I "accidentally" get myself lost or put down somewhere, I always get back to Jack somehow. You think if he liked me that much, he might actually keep me CLEAN once in a while. I can never seem to get rid of the man.
Now do you see why it is so hard to be Jack Sparrow's hat? It's awful, just awful. If you were a hat, you would understand what I have gone through.
A/N: Yes, Jack's hat is a pompous freak, but we love it (him).That was not meant to insult Jack Sparrow, because we love him, it was just a random idea that hit me in the head at one o'clock in the morning last night.
Also, the Singapore thing was not meant to insult, it was just the only place I knew Jack had been. If you feel you must flame don't say anything dumb like "ur stoopid I hate u". That's just dumb, people. Tell me what you didn't like or I can't improve anything! Yea, I have a whole rant on that topic, fun fun fun. Happy New Year everyone!!