Avoiding ZADR For Dummies: This is your second warning in case reading summaries has gone out of style where you live. If you dislike slash or just ZADR in particular, don't bother reading any further.
So much time has passed since I first arrived on this wretched excuse of a planet. Five Earth years have passed by, to be exact. Five years of coming no closer to reaching my goal of world domination, a fact that causes my amazing self to heave a disappointed sigh. All I have succeeded in so far is understanding that on this planet, the passing of time always warrants change.
Change...scrutinizing the meaning of what the word truly entails for those who experience it, my forehead creases slightly in deep thought, glaring bitterly at the grass being crushed under my feet, as if it is to blame. As if it has now become my worst enemy for crossing paths with me at a bad time. Of course my current setting (a rusty, dilapidated park that GIR had insisted on me accompanying him to, against my will) has nothing to do with the awful state I'm in.
No, it is my actual enemy's fault, as usual. I scoff quietly at the notion of referring to Dib as my enemy, surprising myself a little. But there is some truth to my unexpected reaction. Even though I absolutely detest admitting it, Dib and I have long since moved on from our previous relationship status. We can barely think of ourselves enemies anymore. After all this time I have spent on this planet- far longer than I intended to- we've become a little...attached to each other. We are anything but enemies now- partners, associates, allies even.
Dwelling on that, I can't help but think it feels like it was just yesterday when I had first met Dib on that fateful day, both of us aspiring to please our peers at whatever means necessary. I had simply waltzed into his life, taking it over as if I owned the place. Though considering how I had managed to flawlessly blend in with those disgusting pig-smellies, I had quite literally marked my territory. Naturally, this had not settled well with Dib.
After that day, it seems as though he had dedicated a large portion his life preventing me from reaching my goal, as I did with his. Yet all of those efforts proved to be in vain, as neither of us lived to see our aspirations fulfilled. In a way, it was kind of ironic. Startling actually, that the inseparable bond we had built had been torn down just like that. And all that it had took was one split second to make a decision that completely changed our lives forever.
These changes that had foreshadowed what developed between us later on was when he started…growing. It had been set off with a change in his height- he's grown so unbelievably tall. Witnessing the human's privilege of being blessed with an ongoing growth spurt was hard to accept when I knew I was doomed to stay small.
Aside from a difference in his height, the rest of his body seemed to catch up with size of his overgrown head, his hair grew longer, he had grown something of a, er- "goatee" he called it- his voice became much deeper and he oddly seemed to be intrigued by earth females for some reason I could never really understand. But the most unsettling change in the human of all; was when he started losing interest in the paranormal. When he started losing interest in me.
I tried to turn a blind eye to it for as long as I could manage, but after a few days of half-hearted battles, had gone by, it grew to be glaringly obvious that there wasn't any enthusiasm put into it anymore. Perhaps he had grown tired of it, perhaps he hadn't been getting the same excitement out of it that he once did, or perhaps he was finally bored of it.
Dib, who was seemingly unaffected the way he casually left my base after admitting this all to me, unknowingly gave me an unexpected realization came over me that racked me to the very core of my body even to this day. I needed Dib. I needed that revolting little worm that had brought so many instances of failure and aggravation into my life the day I arrived on this planet.
This human had waltzed into my life the way I had his, taking over the way I had, marking his territory the way I had. He had unknowingly gotten his revenge on me in one of the worst ways someone could get revenge on an Irken. The Dib had made me realize that I need someone.
He had caused me to suffer through a need that was normally repressed in all Irkens, all Invaders, all Tallests, at birth. Irkens were not supposed to need anyone, much less an Invader. When Irkens are enrolled in the Irken Academy, we are taught to survive by ourselves, to be independent, to not be effected by trivial things like emotions (granted I had fallen asleep during some of these classes, but that was beside the point.)
To go against any of those standards that were set to define the lifestyle of a true Irken, was an offensive act. For an Irken to do this, they were insulting everything their race stood for. For an Irken to give into emotions, they were barely seen as an Irken in their race's eyes. In some extreme cases, an Irken would even be executed on the spot for displaying acts of affection in public, but that was only during the rule of Tallest Haxiffer, a leader from a past generation I always looked up to over the way he could effortlessly strike fear into his servants.
Punishments have become a lot less harsh now, though. Irkens who display affection in public are merely forced to swim in a pit of acid for a couple of hours hours. Quite generous of the Tallest, yes?
The Tallest...
That brings me to one of my biggest concerns of all over discovering these week, needy feelings. How would the Tallest react to it if they found out? I had only naturally been their favorite Invader, but even favoritism wouldn't prevent them from giving me proper punishment for breaking such an important law. Especially considering it was even worse for an Irken to harbor feelings for a different species. I shuddered, just from the very thought of the price I'd pay for that. If only the Dib knew what kind of trouble he had gotten me into.
But I could never tell him. I couldn't tell him because there would only be rejection. He would never accept my feelings for him, which was understandable- even a superior mind like mine can barely accept them. Though even if he did, there was no guarantee I could return the feelings to him in ways humans needed them to be returned, that simply wasn't in my programming. We could never be in a relationship together, for not only we were far too different, we would just be fighting all the time.
It just couldn't work.
That was something that could never be changed, no matter how much time passed.
The moment this realization sunk into my mind, the world seemed to get colder and shakier, but that didn't make any sense. The temperature outside was peculiarly warm tonight, with no sort of breeze whatsoever. Soon, the reason for my shivering suddenly became clearer to me, though I wasn't sure if I should've felt glad or horrified by it. I discovered the reason why when I reached up my hand to touch my one of cheeks, curious as to why some odd liquid substance was trickling down.
A bit of it had seeped onto my glove which I promptly brought forward to give it a closer inspection. Wait a minute….is this-? I-I've seen this before. The inferior humans leak this stuff out of their eyes on those overdramatic "soap-operas" (why were they called that anyways? Did the teevee taste of soap when they came on?) Gir watched that always irritated me.
W-was I crying! No, no, how could I! How could this even be possible! Irkens weren't supposed to cry, they weren't built for that! All of this was illogical, it couldn't be happening! It's just some horrible nightmare and I'm going to wake up soon! I know it!
"Master, are you okay? You wasn't yelling at me for trying to eat the squirrels like you usually does," A familiarly metallic voice that I knew all too well snapped me out of my panicked reverie, averting my tear-stained face to look in his direction.
His eyes widen in shock at the sight of the tears running down my face, making me turn away in shame. He shouldn't have to be victim to seeing me in such a pathetic sight. Seeming to finally register what he just saw, he gasped in surprise, "Are you crying, master!"
I couldn't possibly explain any of this to him! He could barely function while just complying to doing simple tasks. The only solution I could find here was to lie.
Lying was something that I've always been good at, "N..No!" However, I hadn't taken into account that my voice would quiver through my tears the way it did, completely tarnishing the lie I could've otherwise pulled off.
In an odd moment of understanding, my robot didn't seem to believe my lie either. If I didn't know any better, I could've nearly fooled myself into believing that he was somehow able to figure out what was upsetting me. Whatever conclusion he had apparently made in his head, it told him to hug me, an action that in any other case, would've made me promptly fling him off.
But for once, I just accepted it, a decision I regretted the instant it happened because of the painful revelation it sent to me. The horrible realization was that this really WAS happening. I really WAS falling in love with the Dib-worm. He really WAS turning me into a weak, pathetic excuse for an Irken. And by doing so, by even submitting to such emotions, I was barely Irken anymore. Barely Irken enough to be counted as part of my race now, but not human enough to ever be with what I needed most- the Dib-human.
And how did I react to all of this? I just sobbed, that's the powerful Invader Zim, sobbed his eyes out like a pitiful smeet that had just been abandoned. I spent hours sobbing, clutching my robot minion who didn't say a word, but just let me keep sobbing until my throat went sore. What made me sob even harder was when it hit me that this emotional breakdown was over Dib. That worthless human that was supposed to be my enemy that would probably be the person who would be most likely to kill me some years later.
The situation could've been laughable if it wasn't making my chest ache so much.
Author's Note: Well, there you have it readers. That was my pitiful attempt at writing an angsty one-shot in Zim's POV. If it didn't make your eyes bleed too badly, I'd like some feedback on it. As for those who were confused when he was mentioned: Tallest Haxiffer is an OC I created that may or may not appear in later fics. Depends on if I feel up to writing about what past generations were like for Irk or not. He was supposed to be the Tallest who reigned before Miyuki came around. Yeah, THAT far back. Thought I should clear that up.