Author's Note: I've done the Red Dwarf/Doctor Who crossover thing before, but this has no connection to that! This came about as a result of a comment made by Jack in Torchwood...but I don't want to say too much; don't want to give anything away too soon (although it'll become apparent, I think, as soon as you know what episode this is taking place during...). I've had this in the works for a while, but I wasn't sure about posting it; I'm worried it's just a long build-up to a lame punchline. But I figure, I'll let you, the reader, decide. :) Anyway, enjoy, read, and review!
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize does not belong to me; the characters, etc. belong to their respective shows and the shows belong to their respective creators, etc. etc.
The TARDIS shook with a landing as Rose entered the control room. "There you are!" came Jack's voice. He and the Doctor were huddled around a monitor, checking signals. He motioned Rose to join them.
"Where are we?" she asked.
"Lost Space," came the Doctor's cryptic reply.
"Right...'course. Lost Space. Gonna tell me what that is?"
"It's a sort of quarantine zone. Full of some of the worst bits of technology mankind has ever come up with. Genetically Engineered killing machines, psychotic holograms, deranged androids—you name it. 'Round the turn of the 26th century, they sealed off a little used area of the galaxy and just...left them all to rot."
"Seems kinda irresponsible..." Rose mused.
"Seems kinda human," the Doctor shot back as he led his companions out the door.
"Anyway," Rose continued, looking around the bright spaceship corridor, "Why are we here?"
"The Doctor picked up on some kind of weird signal," Jack replied as he examined a nearby computer terminal, trying unsuccessfully to call up the mainframe.
"Trouble?" Rose lifted an eyebrow.
Jack grinned, turning to her, "Yeah, you'd better stick real close to me." He took Rose's hand and spun her towards him.
"Not to interrupt," the Doctor said, in a tone that clearly said otherwise, "But something's wrong."
Jack and Rose separated, and Jack cleared his throat as he took another glance around the corridor. "22nd century? 23rd?" He guessed. "That's not too far from what you'd expect in the Lost Space."
"Oh, don't be thick. Listen!" the Doctor chastised.
Jack did as he was told. He heard a faint hum, vibrating through the cold steel floor. "Engines?"
"Engines!" the Doctor confirmed. "This is a 23rd century craft, yes. But by my watch, we're somewhere around the year 3 million. This ship should be dead and abandoned. So how come it's still running?"
"What kind of signal did you say you found?"
"Just a blip, really. Some kind of technology. Something that shouldn't exist. Wrong and powerful. Powerful enough to puncture a hole in the fabric of reality."
As the two men were talking, Rose wandered down the hallway a bit. Suddenly, she thought she heard muffled voices from behind a door. "Doctor!" she whispered, inching closer to the door, straining to hear what was going on.
"I come up to you and say, 'Excuse me, would you like to join me in a cocktail?'" came the first voice, continuing, "You say, 'Yes.' I say, 'Would you like a wormdo?' You say, 'What's a wormdo?' And I say..."
A second voice cut him off, "Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that." Rose laughed. Psychotic holograms, deranged androids, and some really bad chat-up lines. Just a few of the dangers of the Lost Space, she thought. She took another step towards the door and it slid open, revealing the people inside, who froze in shock the moment they saw her.
Endnote: Hopefully that makes sense; this was just the setup for the story. It's hard to reconcile the fact that the Whoniverse is crawling with aliens, and Red Dwarf is noteworthy for being a sci-fi show devoid of aliens. So the Lost Space was my explanation. Let me know what you think!