The Legend of Crash Kelly

By AllianInvader

This stupid plot bunny has been driving me nuts for a while, so I am just going to put it out there and hope you like it. I tried really hard for her not to be a Mary Sue. Mary Sue's don't faint, do they? The song is supposed to be the Flash Gordon theme.

Disclaimers: Not mine, wish they were. No money made, although I could really use it.

It took all of five and a half seconds for the murmurs to start. By the time Marissa Kelly took a spot at the end of the cafeteria dinner line, the first chorus of 'Crash! Whoa… OH!' had broken out from a table of Atlantis Marines near the entrance. It escalated from there, as it always did, until all the Marines were doing it. Group mentality was a bitch. She felt bad for the diners forced to listen to the off key serenade, but she was certain everyone in Atlantis would know the story before she'd had a bite of her chocolate cream pie.

Truth be told, Marissa was used to it by now. It was a time honored ritual from her days as an intern at the SGC. Marines never forget. One little fainting spell and she was doomed to relive it for the rest of her life. They were never going to let her live it down. It was like a tribute, albeit a twisted and annoying one.

With her tray filled, Marissa made her back straight, held her head high and sashayed over to the nearest table of Marines. She put on her best Scarlet O'Hara accent, "Awww, now aren't ya'll just the sweetest little ol' things for rememberin' me." She gave a theatrical bow and put her tray down in an empty space. There were no more chairs at that particular table, or any table that she could see, so the Marine nearest her pulled her down onto his lap. She gave him a pointed look at said 'no funny business allowed', and the Marine didn't seem to mind that he was relegated to chair duty.

She ate fast, because soon would start the hugs and back slaps. After that she'd have to tell them why General O'Neill had asked her to come to Atlantis, and it wouldn't be pretty. At least she knew she was among friends, and whatever happened now, they would be there to help her get through it. She didn't even know most of their names, but they knew her and it was enough for now.

"What the hell was all that singing?"

Elizabeth couldn't help smiling at the look on John Sheppard's face. "Oh, that's just the way the Marines' greet Marissa."

"The new botanist?" John's face scrunched up. "Why?"

"I believe… she's their mascot. It's an SGC thing. I don't know all the lurid details. It happened after I left for Antarctica."

"Suhmumfaa Cahtur," Rodney added with his mouth full of pie.

John winced at the man across the table, "For God's sake, Rodney, swallow first. Geez."

"I said Samantha Carter. It's her fault that poor kid is serenaded by Marines everywhere she goes." As if that explained everything, Rodney went back to eating his pie.

"Rod-ney. Are you going to tell us the story or what?"

"Oh, sorry. Marissa Kelly was an intern for years at the SGC while working on her bachelor's in some soft science, I don't know which. Her father was the head of the Botany department, still is I think. So she started her internship young, like fourteen."

"She was eighteen, Rodney," Elizabeth gave him a reproving glare, "I checked."

Elizabeth didn't like the way the two men were staring at her, now. "I was Head of the SGC. And she looked young."

That seemed to satisfy them.

"Right. Just finish the story, Rodney."

"So, anyway, it would seem the cute little intern had a secret crush."

"Rodney…" Elizabeth warned.

Rodney huffed, "Are you going to let me tell it or not?"

"Go on."

"Samantha Carter gets a promotion to Lt. Colonel and the SCG throws a big party, complete with spiked punch, all the SG teams and the Marines. It's not like Marissa hasn't seen Major Carter before. She'd been there more than six months. Anyway, Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter enters the fray with General O'Neill and Dr Jackson close behind, Marissa gets one look at the Lt Colonel in her very, very hot dress uniform and faints! Crash! Right into a table of Marines."

John let out a low whistle, "Damn."

"Yeah. They hauled her off to the infirmary and ran every test in the book on her. That poor kid, there was nothing wrong with her. She never even had a drop of spiked punch." Rodney chuckled, "One of the Marines saw the whole thing and by the time the kid was done being poked and prodded. Everyone knew she fainted because of Samantha Carter's hotness, including Samantha Carter. The Marines must have liked her taste in women, because now they've made her their queen." Rodney looked thoughtful, "it's sort of surprising really, with the American military being all about 'don't ask, don't tell'. She outted herself in front of the whole SGC."

"Finding a woman attractive doesn't make her a lesbian, Rodney, and even if she did prefer women, she's a civilian. 'Don't ask, don't tell' is for the US military personnel. Here in Atlantis, I don't care who a person sleeps with as long as they do their job. It's not something we've dealt with yet as the command team, John. So I don't know where you stand…"

"I stand behind you, Elizabeth, as always. You're the boss."

"That's always nice to hear," Elizabeth gave him one of her rare smiles that let her command face slip, just a bit. "She's a friend of mine. The last few months have been really hard on her, and it would really piss me off, not to mention the whole Marine contingent here, if someone made things harder on her."

"I would never dream of incurring the wrath of you AND all the Marines. Do I look like I want to be Wraith food?"

Rodney smiled, "It's like she and I share a secret, or something. The Samantha Carter Admiration Society."

"Someday," John sighed, "I am going to meet this enigmatic Colonel Carter and the first thing I am going to do is tell her that Rodney named his WHALE after her."

"John!" Elizabeth gasped. "You will not."

"I never get to have any fun."

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