Written by tatarrific and jaybear1701
Delphine can barely breathe when she sees Cosima, all the air in her lungs expelled by the sudden force crushing around her chest.
Cosima's the last person Delphine expects to come across in the crowded Thai restaurant. But there she is all the same, snug inside a leather booth and regarding the pretty blonde sitting across from her with soft affection. It's that gaze that hurts the most—the one Cosima used to bestow on Delphine, in their lab, in their bed, and everywhere in between. It disrupts her equilibrium more than the way the blonde covers Cosima's hand with her own and strokes the back of her fingertips. More than even the way one corner of Cosima's lips curls up into a half-smile that Delphine has kissed countless times in the past.
It's that tender look between the two women that cuts the deepest, sharp and precise like a scalpel, and Delphine nearly crumbles. Forcing herself to inhale, she averts her eyes and grips the edge of the bar with clammy hands. Wills the restaurant employees to work faster to bring her order, even though the initially enticing aroma of garlic and ginger now makes her stomach sour and queasy.
Just leave, her mind orders. It would be so easy to walk away, like she did so many weeks ago. It'd be the right thing to do. Not only to adhere to her plan, but for her own self-preservation. And yet, in that split-second of weakness, her heart overrides her control and keeps her rooted in place, coaxing her to steal one more glance at the woman Delphine never wanted to love, the woman who just might be falling for someone else.
"What are you doing here?" Comes a familiar, hostile drawl from behind her.
She pivots around and comes face-to-face with Felix Dawkins. Of course. Because things couldn't possibly be any worse.
"Carry out," Delphine answers tersely. "Is that a problem?" Although she understands Felix's antagonism toward her, she's also grown tired of it. She no longer feels the need to play nice with her ex-lover's clone's overprotective foster brother.
Eyes narrowing, Felix crosses his arms and assumes a challenging stance. "As long as you don't get any ideas, we'll be just peachy."
"I'm just here to pick up dinner." Delphine swivels back toward the bar, not in the mood to deal with Felix's open hostility.
"Good," she hears him say. "Because she's happy." Without you, he doesn't add, but the unspoken words take shape regardless and pierce straight through her heart. "Better off."
Delphine shuts her eyes tightly to ward off the sting rising behind them, nostrils flaring slightly as she struggles to maintain calm. Tries to focus on white noise—the clink and scrape of silverware on ceramic, the low murmur of dinner conversation—instead of the blood roaring in her ears. She doesn't respond. Couldn't even if she wanted to. Not with the way her tongue swells thick in her mouth. She swears she can feel the heat of Felix's glare along her back for several stretched seconds before a server finally slides a plastic to-go bag in front of her. Opening her eyes, she accepts her order gratefully and quickly pays with a credit card. By the time she signs the receipt and turns to leave, Felix is already walking toward Cosima and her new girlfriend.
She does look happy. Even from this distance, Delphine can see color once again warming Cosima's cheeks, her innate vivacity radiating from every grin and excited flourish of her hands. She no longer looks like the frail woman who seemed to have one foot firmly planted in the afterlife, if such a thing even existed. And for that, Delphine is grateful. It's all she's ever wanted for Cosima. For her to be alive. Healthy. Safe. To have a perfectly mundane, normal life away from shadow conspiracies and unethical science. Even if it meant she lived it with someone else.
But to actually see that happiness fills Delphine with a bittersweet ache that makes her question every decision she's made up to this point; leaves her wondering if her choices to keep Dyad and Topside at bay from the clones were worth it if she could never again bask in the wake of Cosima's gentle smile. The pain radiates from the center of her chest and pulses throughout her entire body—a sensation made exponentially worse when Cosima tilts her head slightly to the side and their eyes meet for the first time in what seems like an age.
Cosima visibly stiffens, lips parting in surprise, and Delphine feels faint, anemic, like she's lost too much blood from the wound in her heart she had been successfully ignoring up until now. Clutching her bag, Delphine heads out the door before Cosima can further react, and before she herself can do anything else she might regret.
"You two make quite the pair, don't you?"
Cosima smiles, letting the affection radiating from her eyes answer the question. "Yeah, we are. I was kinda... thrust upon Fe, he the unwilling babysitter during my, ah, convalescence, but I think I grew on him."
Felix had abandoned them shortly after they got seated at the restaurant, his attention drawn to the muscular bartender across the room, giving them a chance to discuss their mutual friend. She glances at the woman sitting across from her, letting her grin turn mischievous. "You and he, however. Where did he find you, holistic healer?"
Shay's gaze falls to the table between them, a finger absently testing each tine of the fork laid in front of her, and when she meets Cosima's eye again, it's with a hint of coyness.
"Ah, well. We share some of the same... clients." Shay notes Cosima's eyebrows shoot up with a laugh, but continues unperturbed. "Our paths crossed a few times, as I was leaving a session, he was coming—"
"I bet he was!" Cosima guffaws, delighted at the new development. "And what kind of a 'session' were you there for, Shay? Realigning chakras just in time for Fe to knock them all out of whack again?"
Shay laughs, leaning back in the booth, and Cosima smiles in return, recognizing the spark of flirtation in the blonde's eyes. She lets herself enjoy it, relax into the experience. It feels good to be out, joking with someone new, flirting.
"You are a cheeky one, aren't you?"
Cosima feels her breath falter, trying to keep the smile on her face, looks away. The transition from carefree banter to the vise constricting her chest is swift, one heartbeat to the next, and she swallows thickly, trying to keep her emotions in check.
"Hey," Shay reaches out a tentative hand, concern audible in her voice, "are you okay? Did I—"
"No, no," Cosima shakes her head firmly, "No, it's— I'm just—" She takes a deep breath, flashing an apologetic smile at Shay, "Where is Fe, anyway?"
She turns her head, seeking out Felix, and sees him striding toward them, mouth set in a grim line. She scans the restaurant reflexively, wondering what set him off, and freezes, breath rushing out in an exhale.
Delphine.
The blonde looks stricken, eyes large and dark against the paleness of her face, meeting hers straight on.
Cosima feels lightheaded, heart pounding in her ears and she stares back, unblinking. Before she can think, form a thought other than Delphine, her ex-lover turns, head lowered, and leaves, the restaurant door swinging shut behind her.
"Well, shite." Felix stands beside her, hip cocked, a hand pinching his brow in disgust. "Of all the bloody Thai joints in the world, right?"
Having lost her appetite completely, Delphine can't bring herself to eat her meal. Instead, she allows it to grow cold as she buys a pack of cigarettes and smokes them, one by one, on a hard bench along the banks of Lake Ontario.
She thinks of Cosima. Always thinks of Cosima. Delphine's eyes are bloodshot from unshed tears, but she refuses to let them fall. Hasn't, in fact, cried since that day outside of Felix's loft, when she had nearly crumpled to the ground, gasping from the pain she had inflicted on them both, when she had parted from Cosima for reasons that had seemed so clear and bright at the time. But those justifications now merely flicker through Delphine's mind like a hazy cloud of fireflies. The growing disconnect between her heart and her mind eats at her, driving her to what feels like the brink of insanity.
When she finishes the pack and has the dry, burnt taste of tobacco permeating her mouth, Delphine hails a cab and rides back to the luxury brownstone furnished to her by Dyad. She refuses to call it home. It's too cold, too empty—things she never would have noticed, let alone be bothered by, before Cosima walked into her life. And now...
Cosima has moved on. And so too must Delphine. It's something she knows she must accept, a new goal to which she must strive, even as a strong rip tide of sadness threatens to pull her under.
The trip back to the loft passes in a blur of streetlamps flickering across rain-stained car windows and quiet murmurs from the front seat. Cosima lets her eyes focus on the droplets careening down the car window, forehead pressed against the cool glass. The aroma of their hastily packed dinner permeates the small car, and she swallows, trying to keep nausea at bay.
Shay pulls into the alley, headlights briefly alighting on the garish graffiti before she shuts off the ignition, and for a moment the three of them sit still, the ticking of the cooling engine punctuating the silence.
The blonde glances at the rearview mirror, hesitant, and speaks at the same time as Cosima.
"I should go—"
"Why don't the two of you go ahead—"
She shakes her head, reaching a hand into the front and laying it on Shay's shoulder. "No, no, please stay. I'll be right up. I just, uh," she holds up a joint she had been twirling between her fingers during the ride back, "I just need 10 minutes to work up my appetite."
Felix half-turns toward her, eyebrows creased with worry. "You know you shouldn't, Cos."
She feels the tears coming, nearly undone by the kindness in his voice, shakes her head in an effort to dispel them. "I know. I'll be fine. I just need ten minutes, Fe."
"Cos, it's rainin'—"
"I'll be fine, Fe. Please."
He pulls the door handle, flooding the car with light, and steps out muttering, "Bloody stubbornness runs in the family. Shay, let's go, I have wine upstairs."
Then it's just the two of them and the blonde turns to face her, eyes searching. "Cosima, I can go. It looks like you could use some time to yourself." She cants her head, pausing. "That was... your ex, wasn't it?"
Cosima clears her throat in an attempt to mask the tightness in her chest, to give herself a moment to tamp down the prickling behind her eyelids. "Uh, yeah. But I don't want you to go." She gives the blonde a tremulous smile, shrugging her shoulders. "I haven't seen her since, uh, since we broke up and I could just use a minute. I know it's selfish and not fun for you, but I would like you stay." She's surprised by how much she wants Shay's company. "Will you stay?"
Shay smiles, nodding, and covers Cosima's hand with her own. "Of course. We'll keep the food warm for you."
They get out of the car, Shay hurrying after Felix, and Cosima hunches against the building wall, welcoming the light rain misting against her cheeks. She lights the joint and inhales deeply, heedlessly, coughing once, twice dryly, welcoming the burn in her lungs. She has been doing better, much better, but this is still a textbook case of self-destructive behavior. She picks a speck of pot off her tongue, squints into the rain. The work on finding the cypher has proceeded feverishly, aided by Scott's involvement, but she has found it harder to care about her own wellbeing. Ever since—
She slid the door open and had to pause, let her heart readjust for the skipped beat at that face, those eyes. The hair was sleek and the make-up heavier, but the arms that wrapped around her hugged her with familiar tenderness and ferocity.
"Delphine." Cosima melted into the embrace, inhaling. Delphine. Warm, present, solid underneath her arms. She exhaled shakily, tears prickling the back of her eyelids. Sarah had mentioned Delphine as one of the players embroiled in the Castor plot, but she had not dared hope. Not until now. "You are back."
"Cosima." Delphine held her at arm's length, eyes darting across her face, torso, meeting her gaze again. "You look good. How do you feel?"
She fidgeted under the scrutiny, uneasy under the clinical perusal, felt a small pit of dread bloom in her stomach.
"Good. Better. Wanna come in?"
Delphine laid a palm across her forehead, frowning. "And the symptoms? Fever, cough?"
She pulled her head back, taking Delphine's hand in hers. "I'm good, don't mother me. Everything took a turn for the better." There it was again, Delphine's eyes flitting away from hers, the nervous grip of her hand in Cosima's. "Are you... did you come to see me, or Sarah?"
Cosima recognized the apologetic pursing of lips, felt the bite of disappointment even before Delphine spoke. "Sarah. She's not been returning my calls, and I must speak to her."
Cosima saw it then, the pallor and the dark circles under Delphine's eyes masked by the make-up, the brittle cast of her shoulders under the expensive coat betraying exhaustion, the worry. She let a snappy response dissolve on her tongue, concern coloring her voice instead.
"She's not here, but I'll tell her. Hey, are you okay?" She motioned toward the apartment. "Do you want to come in? Talk?"
Delphine took a deep breath, shaking her head, hand tightening around Cosima's. "No, I can't stay but I- I have to tell you something."
She knew, of course. She knew what is about to come, her throat tightening in response, but couldn't shake the remaining, stubborn tendril of hope. She nodded, leaning against the wall. "Okay."
Delphine squared her shoulders, lips set in a resolute line, but her eyes, when they met Cosima's, were dark with emotion, in contrast with the decisiveness she was trying to project.
It came out rehearsed, stilted, yet the words still burned. "Cosima, I am keeping my promise to love all of your sisters equally." Delphine hung her head momentarily, sheaf of straight blonde hair obscuring her face, but Cosima could see the effort it took her to compose herself, to continue. She felt her own heart pulsing in her throat, the taste of an echoing emptiness in her mouth, a taste of loss.
When Delphine eyes met hers again, her composure was fractured. She tried to smile, lips trembling, and Cosima felt her grasp reflexively tighten. "But to do that, I can't do-," her hand lifted their intertwined fingers, "this."
Cosima shook her head, eyes filling with tears. She knew. She knew all along that a line had been drawn, Dyad versus Leda, and it ran straight through Delphine. If she had been willing to face it, had been brave enough to make a choice herself, she knew choosing one would mean losing the other: her sisters or Delphine. But she had not, had avoided dealing with the hard facts of their relationship, all for a chance to wake up one more day in Delphine's arms, all for the simple fact she now offered as her only response.
"But I love you. I don't want to lose you, Delphine."
Delphine pulled her hand out of Cosima's grasp at the words, breath hitching on a sob.
"I love you too, but I can't— it's not safe—" and then she was undone, teeth closing on a knuckle of her hand, pain to offset pain. "Cosima, I can't—"
She reached out for Delphine, tried to console, but Delphine stopped her with a shake off her head. She wrapped her arms around herself instead, her need for comfort as strong as the urge to offer it. "Okay," she said, "Okay." There was more she wanted to do, much more she wanted to say, but she didn't. Instead, she looked at the woman she loves, the woman who was standing before her braced, bravely breaking her own heart even as she broke Cosima's, took in the contours of the familiar face, now recast by grief.
This was it then. Her own casualty in the war they didn't ask for. The choice, again, was made for her. She nodded her head, eyes locked with Delphine's. "Okay."
There was nothing to do, then, but turn away and walk in, slide the door behind her.
Cosima lets the roach fall from her hand, watches it sputter out with a hiss in a puddle at her feet. The pot leaves a stale taste in her mouth, an answering sourness in her stomach, and she pushes off the wall with disgust. Tonight was going to be carefree, getting to know a new person, someone with no ulterior agenda or divided loyalties, someone whose interest in her body was prurient, and didn't involve questions on stem cell compatibility or unlocking the secret of her genetic code. She, after weeks of heartbreak, is ready for prurient.
So why, then, did the glance of Delphine across a crowded restaurant conjure the one feeling she did not experience in the emotional gamut of the past few weeks: hope?