It Is What It Is

by theweirdworder

'Since my attack, I have felt as if each day I walk miles and miles and miles, with no end in sight...' Placing her gun on his desk, Elle Greenaway finally leaves the BAU. Set to Lifehouse's 'It Is What It Is', here is her account to Hotch of it.

It Is What It Is
I was only looking for a shortcut home
but it's complicated
so complicated

He had looked at me, with a smirk in his eye and a smile stretched a mile wide across his face. I had thought him breaking into their homes then, a place that they had all thought was safe. I thought of him defiling the place which they had once loved. I thought of him holding them down and thrusting himself inside of them. Those thoughts made me feel as if a forest fire was burning in the back of me throat, a churning combination of bile and horror.

Of course those memories brought back him, the unsub who called himself the Fisher King. I thought of the feeling of his fingers inside of my wound, as my bleeding body lay on the floor. I thought of my own home, defiled and broken into, by a madman trying to complete his own sick, crazy mission.

It was my own actions that had caused Lee's release, a man who had also turned the sanctuary of his victims into their own small cave of hell. I thought that my actions would be the indirect cause of the rape and robbery of however many more women he would attempt to victimize. So I did it without thinking about it. The sound of gunfire rang throughout my head, echoing like an angry cry echoing across a canyon.

For a moment then, I had thought of the feeling of being shot like fire throughout my body.

But Hotch, I have to tell you the feeling of killing him was... Well. It sent a thrill through me, like firecrackers exploding in my veins. The fear that had plagued me since my attack had been lifted off my shoulders for a moment, as if it was a heavy backpack that someone else offered to carry. I had felt that I had been helpless for so long, and that I was in control again. I had felt like a hero, almost, to myself and to all of those women. Huh, maybe you were right when you wanted me to be evaluated.

Somewhere in this city is a road I know
where I could make it
but maybe there's no making it now

I know as I enter your office that I can never do this again. The thrill of the hunt is no more and I am a remnant of my former self. The days in which I had gladly served the BAU are gone. Since my attack, I have felt as if each day I walk miles and miles and miles, with no end in sight. I have felt as hopeless as a death row prisoner that has fought death for years and now finally had to be executed. I have felt as if I was a dog left out in the sun, forgotten about as I was dying from the heat.

As I enter your office for the last time, I hear you talking and I know instantly who you are talking to.

Suddenly, you stop talking and look up at me. Our eyes connect for a moment. I realize that you have known, had known this whole time.

''Gideon?'' I ask.

You look hesitantly, as if you were looking at an injured and frightened child. That has always been your way I suppose, talking with no words.

Too long I've been denying
now I'm tired of trying.
I hit a wall and I can't get over it

I feel a strange ache in my chest almost like hunger pangs, and for a moment I feel as hollow as a chocolate Easter bunny.

''Yeah,'' you say, your voice as sad as a distant memory.

''Tell him I said goodbye,'' I say.

I finally walk in, my legs feeling Jell-O wobbly.

Nothing to relive
it's water under the bridge
you said it, I get it
I guess it is what it is

I suppose that you filing an evaluation against me was your way of telling me... It was your way of telling me that you knew that I could no longer do this job. I get that now. The message has hit me like a moving car.

I put my belt on the table. I feel as if I am slamming it in front of you like divorce papers. Am I giving into him? I wonder for a moment as I do this. Am I giving into you? While I feel as if an appendage is being torn away from me, I also feel as if boulders have been lifted off of my back.

You look down, looking as if you are bending down to carry a heavy weight.

''This is not an admission of guilt,'' I say.

''Right,'' you say, your voice filled with your disbelief.

Your voice is not the scathing whip I had expected it to be. Instead, it sounds tired and weak as if you had taken this long walk with me.

I look away, deciding not to be unclothed under your own naked job.

I cannot lie to you or any members of the team. You all see through me as if I am made of glass.

There is no point, I decide then, of going through with this anymore. There is no point of constantly reliving the nightmare that has haunted me like a malevolent ghost hell bent on revenge.

I was only trying to bury the pain
but I cried and I can't stop the crying
was only trying to save me
but I lost me again
now there's only lying
wish I could say it's only me

Doing this job only feels as if I am having all of my teeth removed without anesthesia. I can walk no further on this arduous walk.

You bite your lip and look up at me. Once again, you are silently speaking to me. You are expecting an explanation that you know is all ready there.

I begin.

too long I've been denying
now I'm tired of trying
I hit a wall and I can't get over it
nothing to relive
it's water under the bridge
you said it, I get it

''You know when I first started this job,'' I say, taking a deep breath and pacing around the office, ''the sound of the phone ringing, a call from the Bureau...''

I pause, so I do not cry in front of you. Yet as I talk my voice still shakes. ''I used to get so excited. The blood would race through my veins,'' I say. ''And now, that same sound... it paralyzes me.''

''Paralyze'' is an understatement. It not only paralyzes me, but it freezes my blood and stops my breath and heartbeat. Yet I cannot put this in perfect enough words for you so I continue.

I guess it is what it is
here it comes ready or not
I found out it's not how I thought
that it would be, how it would be

''I'm not the same person anymore,'' I say.

This has changed me too much for this. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I do not recognize the person I see there. Sometimes I wonder that if I had not been so stupid, this might have never happened. Sometimes... Sometimes I wish that I had not come home that night because maybe he might have given up.

Sometimes I wish my father had never stopped me from death. Sometimes I wish that I could have taken it with open arms and finally have found a release. Sometimes I wish I had never set a foot on this thorn-ridden path to begin with.

You look at me then, sharply as an owl who has found the small mouse scurrying on the ground, as if you could hear the inner thoughts racing through my head. I wonder then if you will pounce on me but you do not.
If the time could turn me around
what once was lost may be found

''That night at Lee's,'' I continue. ''If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.''

This is the only thing I do not regret. By killing him, I have stopped the rapes of countless women who would have had to endure a tragedy worse than mine.

''Even though you killed someone?''

Some hot feeling flares through me, some smoldering fire that renders my mouth useless. You make it sound as if I killed a man. I did not kill a man; I put down a rabid animal. I did not kill a man; I slew a monster.

It may not have exactly been the self-defense you claimed that it was, but it was not murder either.

I sigh and look away, realizing that you could not possibly understand what any of us went through.
too long I've been denying
now I'm tired of trying
I hit a wall and I can't get over it
nothing to relive
it's water under the bridge
you said it, I get it

I decide that there is no use in talking to your further; I could never make you understand. Words could never convey the pain fully, such would be like trying to make the likeness of a man with a only sledgehammer and a slab of marble.

''I guess that's it then,'' I say.

I try to walk out then, but the feeling your judgment and of my former obligation to you calls me back like a dog to its owner.

I have so much still to tell you, so much I cannot fully put into words. Even though I have changed I still owe you so much.

''You know when I first joined the team, I couldn't figure out why you never, ever smile,'' I say finally.

You jerk up, waiting for me to slap you with some insult. I cannot. No anger could make me hate a man that injustice has so gradually joined me with.

''Now I think I'm actually gonna miss that,'' I confess.

I ignore the hollow chocolate-bunny feeling clawing in my chest, and walk out before I can say anything else.

I guess it is what it is
I was only looking for a shortcut home
but it's complicated
so complicated

I walk out of the building that I have worked at for so long for the last time.

I will forever miss you, Hotch, and all of those I have served with. Our experience has melded us together like conjoined twins. Yet it would pain me more to continue this job with all of you, than to leave it. I need time to heal all the wounds that this job only reopens and pours salt on.

Goodbye, team.

I said that I was going to write this a long time ago, and after a snow day a few days ago I finally did. I hoped you all enjoyed it. A big shout-out to my friend Victoria, who also beta'd my story Tobias. She is awesome, and my CM fanfics would not be the same without her. I hope that I am able to write more CM fanfics in the future, but for now this is it. Please review and tell me what you think; I worked very hard on this!