United We Rule
Disclaimer: Well, I have black hair. She has blonde. She has children. I have none. She's married. I'm not. Oh, and she wrote that book . . . what's it called? Harry Potter something or other? Right. What did I write? My grocery list.
A/N: Dedicated to anahitathebooklover (who is one of my best reviewers)and Angelic Cupcake (who gave me the idea and inspiration to write this). I've decided that the person who reviews first gets the dedication for the next "Rule the World" fic. So hurry up! Review!
"My Lord! My Lord! There is a problem!" Bellatrix ran in Voldemort's lair, screaming her head off.
"What problem?" Voldemort asked, annoyed to be woken up from his beauty sleep so early in the morning.
"A big, large, gigantic, huge, massive, enormous, gargantuan problem!" Bellatrix shouted, using all the words she could manage to describe the problem.
"I asked what problem, not how big it was!" Voldemort snapped.
Voldemort was feeling really moody. And he was bitter. Which evil dark lord has spent a big part of his life, trying to kill some 'boy-who-just-wouldn't-die' and fail so many times? And even if they did, which one of them ended up with no nose? Extremely long fingers? Pale skin that was almost transparent?
The answer: No one.
No bloody evil dark lord was like him. He was a failure. He was a disgrace to all the dark lords out there.
"Well, it turns out that, my Lord, we…we…we ran out of assassins."
"What do you mean we have run out of assassins? What about Avery?" Bella shook her head.
"Crabbe and Goyle Junior then."
"I'm sorry my Lord, but they are busy learning how to count from one to ten."
"Then use Fenrir Greyback!" He was getting more and more frustrated. Where was his bunch of capable assassins?
"He's not available, my Lord."
"Lucius then… He will assassinate Potter for me."
Bellatrix grimaced a little. "He cannot assassinate Potter for you because he is currently under the punishment of…Narcissa."
"His son then! What's his name again? Dwight or something?"
"Draco is currently unavailable. He has…" Bella checked her notebook. "He has a manicure and pedicure session."
Voldemort blinked twice. "I haven't had a manicure in centuries… But anyway, GET SOMEONE!"
"But who, my Lord?"
"We will have…an INTERVIEW! Yes, an interview will do great!"
"Yes, my Lord. I will see to it immediately."
Severus Snape was a bitter, bitter man. He had spent the better part of his life as the ever so unpopular Potions master in Hogwarts. No one really understood him, not to mention liked him at all. But it didn't matter. The students could call him names behind his back all the time. He didn't mind.
But this was the last straw.
Harry 'the-boy-who-wouldn't-die' Potter hadn't washed his hair in weeks. That could only mean one thing…
He was trying to fight over the title of "World's Greasiest Hair" with him. And seeing that his hair had a certain flair over it, even when he hadn't been washing his hair, Snape felt somewhat threatened.
He was gnashing his teeth, thinking of a solution to ruin the chances of Potter winning the title when he saw the poster. The poster. The poster.
To all who hates Harry 'the-boy-who-lived' Potter:
Did anyone tell you that your breath didn't smell as peppermint-y as 'the holy one'?
Did Potter say that your pranks were juvenile?
Did he accidentally set your 'Hogwarts -- A History' on fire?
Did he set house elves to ambush you?
Did he purposely not wash his hair just so that it will be greasier than yours?
Or do you just hate him for no reason?
Well, here's a once in a lifetime chance for you to take revenge!
The interview to find an assassin to assassinate Potter is finally here!
For more details, contact Lucius Malfoy or Lord Voldie.
Snape let out an evil cackle. Harry Potter wouldn't even know what hit him…
"Why do you want to assassinate Harry Potter?" Lucius asked, looking terribly comical with his blond hair tied with a clashing pink bow.
"He…he…he…" Snape broke into a sob. "He refused to…to wash his hair! And now his hair is…is greasier than mine!"
Lucius had an urge to just quit his job -if it were even counted as one- there and then. What was the world coming to?
Just before him, Hermione 'goody-two-shoes' Granger just came in and claimed that Harry Potter burnt her 'Hogwarts - A History' on purpose.
And before that, the two Weasley twins said that Potter called their pranks juvenile and that the Marauders were a whole lot better.
And his son, his son, who forfeited his manicure session, came in and told him that Potter will pay for making the house elves ambush him and sing "Holding out for a Hero" (which happened to be the 'I Love Harry' campaign theme song) out loud for ten times. Draco was emotionally scarred, or so he claimed.
"Umm… Severus, I'm sure that…uh nobody will have…greasier hair than yours okay?" Lucius said, shifting uncomfortably in his chair.
It was hopeless. This whole thingamajig was hopeless! Did Voldemort think that they would find just the right person to assassinate Potter just by holding an interview? Of course not!
"So…" Snape said, looking slightly hopeful, "Do I get the job?"
"We will notify you within the week."
"Is that a no?"
"No, Severus, you did a…great job in the interview. I'm sure you'll…get it."
Snape jumped up from his seat and hugged Lucius. "Thank you so much!" And then, he skipped out happily.
Lucius groaned. "NEXT!"
He fought an urge to cry out to Merlin when he saw Ronald Weasley walking in with an evil sneer on his face.
Today was going to be a long day…
"My Lord, what do we do?" Lucius asked, bowing to the Dark Lord.
"All of these people," Lucius handed Voldie a list, "came for the interview."
Voldemort looked at the list and soon an evil grin lit up his face.
"Severus. Severus and your son. They'll make a good pair. Enlist the Weasley Twins to help them."
"But…but…" Lucius stuttered.
"Do you have any problems with my decision?"
"No, my Lord, I agree with you. No problems whatsoever."
"Good. Now, where can I find a first-rate manicurist?" Voldie whispered inaudibly.
"Oh, I believe Draco knows one…"
Lucius cast a 'sonorous' to his voice.
"Good morning to everybody present. During the last few days my master and I have been through much debating concerning your interviews." He stopped to look at everyone.
The Weasleys (Fred, George, Ron and Ginny) were lined up together, listening wordlessly to Lucius´s announcement. Hermione Granger was standing next to one of the Weasley Twins. Parvati and Lavender were whispering to each other.
Opposite the Gryffindors, Severus Snape, his son, Parkinson's daughter (whatever her name was), Crabbe and Goyle Jr. and Blaise Zabini were all glaring at the at the other group of people.
"You all did very well…" He continued, but was cut off by Ronald Weasley.
"So do we all get the job?" Lucius gulped.
"Unfortunately, no," He stammered, "Although I would love to have all of you helping out, but my master's orders are my commands."
The Gryffindors snorted.
The Slytherins glared.
"My Lord has decided to enlist the aid of…Fred and George Weasley." The Gryffindors cheered, glad that their people got chosen. The Slytherins glared more.
"And of course, Severus Snape and Draco." Snape gave a large hoot and started doing his victory dance.
"Go me! Go me! Go, go, go Snape!"
"What is the plan again?" Snape asked.
Fred (or was it George) sighed, "We've been through this ten times! First, George," Fred pointed to his twin, "Will sneak into Harry's dorm and then he'll steal his glasses."
"Potter's as blind as a Trelawney without his glasses." Draco added.
"Yes, Malfoy's right." George said.
"Then, you," Fred jab his thumb at Snape, "Will creep up there and stun him. We'll bring him to Voldemort's lair and then…" Evil laughter abound.
"Mark my words. He'll be dead before sunrise!" Fred exclaimed.
Overall, Snape would say that he was pretty happy with the whole plan. They had even managed to get Potter to Voldemort's lair. So now nothing will go wrong. If Potter is really 'as blind as a Trelawney', he wouldn't be able to escape!
"Are you sure it's wise to leave him there, unrestrained and all?" Voldie asked Snape.
"Yes, my Lord. He is equivalent to a blind man without his glasses. Without his glasses, he's nothing!"
"Good. Now let's go for some tea before we decide what to do with him." Voldie said.
Unbeknownst to all of them, Harry already knew that something like this was going to happen. He had even gotten himself contact lenses!
Harry conjured a bottle of spray paint and wrote the words "You will never beat me and rule the world!" on the wall.
And then, he disapparated out of there with a laugh.
"-let's dip him in a pot of boiling oil first, then we will skin him…" Lucius suggested to Voldie. And then, they opened the door.
GASP!
Voldie's face turned from white to pink; pink to red; red to purple; purple to blue; blue to green; green to yellow; and finally yellow to white again.
"WHERE IS HARRY POTTER?!"
He didn't want to believe it, but now he was sure.
He was cursed. He was cursed all along.
The plan had, once again, failed.
Comments, flames, questions, or just plain babble about how you liked "Deathly Hallows" are all open to me!
Well, Fred died... But I still like him a whole lot! So I guess all my fics are now, really, really, really, AU... But yeah, REVIEW!
Sarah