Title: I'm losing you
Prompt: Arizona telling Callie.
Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's. All characters in this story sadly do not belong to me; they're simply being borrowed for a little while, and then will be returned. This story was not written for profit and no copyright infringements are intended.
A/N 1: Yes I know the door to the on call room magically closed, but for the purpose of my story the ghost of Mark Sloan didn't lock two lesbians together just so he could watch.
A/N 2: Please don't ask about above. I don't think it will play out like this, but if the writers want any ideas they can steal them.
A/N 3: Title fromZach Williams's "I'm Losing You Slowly"
"We're dancing on wires, both knowing it won't last."
Arizona's POV
To and froing from the pit, ICU and patient's rooms Arizona had seen both Callie and Lauren. More to the point she had been avoiding Lauren while not making it obvious and slowly avoiding her wife more and more because as the night progressed because the need to tell her was overwhelming. Every time Callie and Arizona's paths crossed the other woman would give her a reassuring look or touch on the arm if it was appropriate; and every time Arizona resisted the urge to vomit. Callie's touch and concern was not meant to want her to empty her stomach. The guilt was eating her alive.
Once again there she was about to walk into a supply closet. Before Arizona knew what she was doing her feet were carrying her towards the door her wife had just gone through.
It was only when the door clicked behind her Callie seemed to realise her presence. The click was so similar to the one of the on call room door's; she once again fought the urge to be sick. The door was closed, she was here and it had to be done. She could just open the door and walk about of it, but that was something it seemed she could not do today.
"Hey" Callie said much like she had at several of their meetings around the hospital this evening. Much like all the rest Callie gave her, her beautiful smile. The smile which normally made anything bad going on in her head disappear, but tonight it was just making it worse. Callie didn't even know how could she? Everything with Dr Boswell had been so sudden; so sudden she didn't even fully understand.
"You really aren't okay" her wife said as Arizona moved closer to the other woman. A statement, not a question. No she wasn't, she hadn't been for over a year now. A shake of the head was Arizona's only response; the blonde was struggling to give her eye contact. She was here because her guilt was consuming her, she was being selfish. She wasn't thinking about Callie's patients only her own guilt and the fact Callie may never look at her and smile her breathtaking smile again.
She heard rather saw Callie put down the supplies she had collected in the time she had seen her wife enter the room and the time she joined her. "You can talk to me you know. You do know that right?" the raven asked, even Arizona could hear the self doubt in Callie's voice. Callie still didn't trust herself. She had done that to her. Arizona should talk; but could she?
She nodded again, her eyes filling with tears. Obviously noticing her change in demeanour Callie took a hold of Arizona's arm, guiding her to sit on one of the hospital's bale sized pack of paper towels just passed one of the supply racks. As they sat Callie rested her hand on Arizona's thigh much like she had done for years now whenever they had watched movies together or in comfort for one of them. Only now Arizona knew an inch or so lower and she wouldn't be able to feel it. That day, the day she lost her leg would always be with her. With them. She knew Callie had done what she had to save her life, faced with the same decision she would have done it a heartbeat. Then the guilt came again; because Callie had also changed her life, their life forever too. She had made the decision. Arizona would now spend the rest of her life disabled. Less than whole.
Arizona could feel Callie's eyes on her. She was waiting for her to speak, but what could she say? So many thoughts were spiralling around her head while on the other side of the door life was happening. People needed them, and yet here they were. Selfish yet again. A hand yet again was pulled across Arizona's eyes, trying to rid those tears; tears she wasn't sure she deserved to cry. "Now I'm crying in a supply closet", the blonde said even hearing her self pitying tone but couldn't help the sarcastic bitter laugh that followed. Arizona didn't do self pity.
"I cried in here. Sat right here actually", Callie explained; Arizona could feel her eyes on her. Turning her head she saw Callie's face for the first time since she entered the small room. The dark eyes were full of understanding. Callie cared about her, loved her.
"What?" the blonde asked, more to probe her wife than for clarification. Arizona allowed her eyes to trace each feature of Callie's face. Each curve of face, each laugh line and curvature of her lips. She may never be this close to her again.
"The day Mark…" Callie explained her eyes gliding closed just for a moment. Her eyes did not open as she spoke the word "died". When her eyes opened Callie offered her a sad, almost apologetic smile, as if she had to apologise for missing her best friend. "It was the same day your replacement took over. It was just too much…I was…it felt" Callie emphasised the final word before continuing. "It felt like I losing both of you. And everyone kept staring and looking at me with their big puppy eyes. So I came in here and cried" Callie finished with a breathless sigh. Arizona knew the look, she'd become accustomed to the staring. Callie looked saddened, relieved and doubtful all at the same time. She looked worried. "But… I got you back, so it's okay. It's okay that you're in here crying…with me. You can cry as much as you want" the brunette tried to reassured her. Was it okay?
"Those four days" Arizona started, feeling Callie's hand tightened slightly on her leg. Callie knew which four days without her needing to say them. She was not talking about their four day honeymoon trip, or the four days they had spent in Fiji using Arizona's cousin's timeshare. Four days were ruined. Callie knew which four days she meant. The days in the woods.
"Were the most terrifying days of my life. When Owen told me it had been four days I couldn't... It didn't make sense. It had to have been longer than four days" Arizona explained staring straight a head. It still didn't make sense. She knew she had watched the sunrise three times through the trees; but it still didn't feel right. "Since the car crash I would have said the days waiting for you to wake up were the worst days of my life. I was terrified you weren't going to wake up. Mark and I would have to raise Sofia … if Mark had let me", Arizona spoke her voice becoming faster.
Callie stroked a soothing pattern against her flesh. Only weeks before even this contact Arizona would have flee from. Callie had not been allowed to touch her leg. Once she was able to wash and take care of herself, she had forbidden Callie from touching it. She was no longer her nurse or maid; but her wife. But in putting that restriction on Callie she had stopped her from being the latter; not just sexually but emotionally too. How could she have considered allowing another woman to touch her?
Arizona heard her own sob fall from her lips without even feeling it rise within her. Callie's hand moved to wrap itself around Arizona's waist; pulling her in. She would not be pulled in, she did not deserve it. Callie thought she was upset over the idea of losing her – of course she would always remember those day she sat unmoved from Callie's bedside. They would always cause her pain, the only joy was Sofia; and even her condition had been a cause of worry.
"We tried not to sleep. Mark and I kept trying to keep the other awake. He was laid across here", Arizona explained gesturing her lap. It had been agony when he had first been placed there, but over time the pain had become less; as the cold has set in. "As time passed it got harder for both of us to stay awake. Neither could move. Cristina, Meredith and Derek would go looking for help. For anything leaving Mark, Jerry and I behind", the blonde continued as she could almost feel the ice cold forest earth beneath her. She had not spoken about those four days to anyone.
"They gave up on the third day. Hypothermia set in, one by one. Every time I woke Cristina would be sat beside me, awake. I don't think she ever slept. We were sure exposure would get us. If not exposure then the animals…" Arizona said her voice lowering to almost a whisper. She felt her stomach flip and body retch at the memory of the animals snarling and fighting. It had taken her hours to realise they would not come any closer, they had had their fill.
Callie's arm tightened further this time succeeded in pulling her in; into an almost death grip. Arizona felt the tears fall. Hot and wet as they burned down her face. "Mark…" she gasped, closing her eyes tight willing herself to forget Cristina's many attempted to revive her daughter's father. "Kept fighting. Cristina kept….bringing him back. He was determined to see you. See Sofia again", Arizona whispered through broken tears to Callie's throat. The blonde could feel the woman beside her shake slightly as she succumbed to her own tears, though the grip she had upon the smaller woman was one of protection and caring.
Arizona couldn't tell Callie that Mark had at first given up. Once the realisation that his one true love was gone, he had given up. Thankfully it was during one of the periods Mark had lost the fight to remain conscious that the wild animals had descended. He had not heard the fate of Lexie's body. But he had never seen his daughter again. "He made me promise to look after you both", Arizona said feeling the lead weight of shame pulling her down.
"You have", Callie whispered back, seemingly inches away from her own head, directly into her hair. She had not kept that promise. A promise she had already made on the day of their wedding. She had promised protection and loyalty.
"No I haven't. I have said…done unforgivable things", Arizona said once again trying to pull away. Callie let her this time, but shifted so she was facing Arizona, hand place back on her closest thigh. The blonde still couldn't look her in the eye. It wasn't just about what had happened in the on call room. She had almost vowed to herself she would never speak of those days in the woods. Told herself neither would benefit from this retelling. She didn't know if Cristina had told Owen, because like Arizona she was the only one who had to explain. Sure Mark had had Julie at home, but it wasn't permanent. He loved Lexie, they had all known it. He had been with her when she'd died. Arizona and Callie had tried to push Mark into his relationship with Julie. She wished they hadn't. Who knows what Mark and Lexie could have done with those months if they had had them.
"Arizona you have to stop. You are going to forgive yourself eventually. You were grieving, lost… hurting", Callie whispered gently and Arizona couldn't help but lower her head a little. That may have been true, but what about now. What about those minutes only hours ago in this very building? How was her frame of mine then? "I can't lie, it hurt. It really…really did. But everything since then, it's made up for it. I knew I'd get you back, when you were ready. Me…Alex we don't blame you" Callie said her hand still holding fast the part of her leg that could still feel the warm hand of her wife.
"You should really stop being so understanding" Arizona whispered back in disbelief. How had she found such a miraculous woman? How had she managed to ruin it forever? How understanding would she be if she knew?
"I can't help that I am such an awesome wife" Callie said with a laugh which didn't quite sound as real and magical as her usual chuckle. Daring a look across once again at the woman sat beside her, she saw dark eyes mirroring her own tears. She couldn't do it. She couldn't break Callie too. Arizona was already damaged, she couldn't ruin Callie too. But she already had. Callie just didn't know it. Did that make it better? Did she have to know?
"We should be getting back" Arizona said but her legs wouldn't lift her. She could easily brush the hand resting on the thigh away. It was not keeping her here. She had lost almost all control in her life. It was now she could get it back. She wanted to stay in here. If she could board up the door and keep them locked in this small room she would. If she could lock away the world, stop the earth from spinning she would do that too
"Owen would understand if we were out of action for a little while. The storm hasn't gotten as bad as it's going to yet" Callie soothed. Arizona could hear the choice in Callie's voice. It was not a command or statement. It was not an order. She had a choice. She had the control, and for the first time in over a year, she wished she had none.
"The second day…I think it might have been the first night. It was dark", Arizona explained almost apologetically. "My leg had been cold. I was so cold. The fire had gone out…Mark was warm but my leg it felt…odd. I remember Cristina coming over to me. I don't know how she knew" she continued. She could almost feel that feeling all over again. It had not hurt, not above the pain she'd been feeling for hours. It felt…strange. "Bugs had gotten in. I had made own splint but they had still gotten in" Arizona spoke just over a whisper, quiet enough to hear Callie gasp ever so slightly.
"She tried to get them out…put leaves over it to stop them. The bugs, leaves, dirt … infection. I didn't stand a chance" Arizona said a sad, disbelieving laugh falling from her lips. At her stupidity for thinking she did. She saw the tears finally fall from her wife's eyes. Callie had to have known the first part of her operation had been mainly to fish out the insects and debris that had made their way in. Cristina had tried, and yet here she was. Sitting with one healthy leg and one made of metal and plastic.
"Cristina let me drink the last of the water" Arizona continued, feeling herself hunch slightly, protecting herself from her own story. "I told Jerry we'd be okay. We just had to be found and we'd be okay. He didn't find it so funny that I was married to an Orthopedic surgeon and was looking at my own bone. I think I was in shock, but the irony has stayed with me", Arizona said feeling Callie shake as she tried to keep in her own tears. "But I knew if they found us we'd be okay. Mark's chest didn't matter because Teddy would be able to fix him and neither did my leg because you could fix me too" Arizona heard her own eerily tone. "I didn't realise how far away from being saved we were. From being fixed", she said in an undertone.
"You still blame me…" Callie spoke, her voice so thick with emotion it was almost intangible.
Arizona couldn't help the deep breath she took or the roll of her eyes upwards feeling the burn of her tears before she spoke. "No" she gulped. She didn't even believe it herself. She could hear the lie in her tone. How she wish it was not there.
"You do…" Callie stammered. God why was she even here. She had known talking about this would cause nothing but pain. It was now Arizona's turn to move. To spin slightly, she was now looking Callie in the eye. She could see the pain and hurt reflected back at her.
"No I don't. For the most part I don't" Arizona explained, though Callie's face did not lose its saddened look. "For the most part I just get on with it. I have one leg…and that's my life now" Arizona confessed sadly. She had for the most part come to accept this fact. This was her life.
"But then there are moments like watching you and Sofia run in the park and I can't do that…not yet" she explained, watching Callie raise a hand to her mouth and resting her chin upon it. It was clear Callie wanted to interrupt her. "Or when I am in the OR and other surgeons just get on with a surgery and I have to sit down. I mean I know its something we do. If we need a break we should take it, but now … I'm the surgeon with one leg that can't stand for too long", Arizona quipped sadly. "Last week the elevator was stuck in our building. A year ago I wouldn't have cared. It didn't put much on my journey home; climbing the stairs but it was enough", she continued though could hear her voice heightening in volume.
Callie opened her mouth to speak but Arizona cut across her before she could make a sound. "I don't blame you Callie. I blame life. Man at times over the last year I've blamed God and I don't even believe in him. You were faced with a horrible decision and you made it. At times it's hard, knowing this is now my life. But I have you and Sofia…" Arizona interjected. "You made the decision you had to, to keep me alive", Arizona said with a small smile.
"I couldn't lose you" Callie gasped, the hand forming holding head up cupping itself around the brunette's mouth. She was silencing her sobs. Arizona's heart clenched. How could she have kissed Lauren? Jeopardised her marriage. Their future. She wanted to reassure Callie and tell her everything was okay, was going to be okay; but she couldn't.
"You didn't…Callie I'm right here" Arizona tried to reassure her. Before she could even move Callie had wrapped her arms around her, pulling her to an almost bone breaking hug. It was then when Callie broke. Her body shook so violently it worried the blonde. All she could do was hold on tightly and wait for it to pass.
Minus the incident in the shower Arizona could barely remember Callie breaking down like this. Sure there had been times where she had raised her voice, mainly because she was frustrated; but not in sadness or despair. Even the tears which had fallen in the shower that day, the day Arizona had wet herself on their bathroom floor. Truly not her sexiest day, a day that still made her spinal tingle with anger and disgusted at herself. Even that day they had been calm in comparison. Callie had been holding on, knowing even then Arizona was not strong enough to deal with her emotions too. Self hatred raised its head again.
Arizona's pager sounded, glancing at the small device it was just a page, not 911. They could wait.
"I love you" Callie said once her tears had lessened, still her face pressed against Arizona's shoulder.
The blonde's eyes slid closed for a moment. She never doubted Callie's love for her. Okay that wasn't true. How Callie could still love her after everything she had said and done in the last year, surprised her.
"I know…me too" Arizona answered.
"I love you. I really do. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known" Callie went on, her arms still holding her in place as terrified she was going to run.
"How is that possible?" Arizona choked, without thought. How could Callie … Lauren even find her remotely attractive anymore?
Callie moved faster than lightening away from her. The look in her eyes was mirrored over her entire face. Disbelief. "How can it not be?" Callie asked discreditably. "Arizona you are beautiful. You're gorgeous and hot. You always have been. Remember you've got women lining up for you…" the brunette supplied with a smile. Apparently that was true.
"I don't care about your leg", Callie said, and Arizona knew her eyebrow shot up in response. "Obviously I care about your leg, but it doesn't make you any less beautiful or sexy", Callie told her. Her wife was being sincere and for the first time in over a year, Arizona believed her.
"You are beautiful Arizona", Callie repeated. "I thought you knew that. I've…We've… I thought you were ready?" Callie asked her voice heightened instantly causing Arizona's heart to break. Callie's self doubt yet again.
"I was… I am" the blonde stammered. "You needed your wife back. I was trying so hard to be normal again" Arizona explained and saw Callie's eyes widening. She had not lied in recent weeks. Callie had made her feel pretty and wanted again as they had slept together. After all she was her wife.
"Are you telling me it was out of obligation? You felt pressured?" Callie asked, shock and almost disgust dripping from her words. It was not disgust at Arizona, but Callie herself. Callie thought she's forced her into sleeping with her.
"No!" Arizona all but shouted. She couldn't help but wonder how no one had entered their hide away yet. "I'm not saying that, Callie I'm not" Arizona reassured the woman before her.
"Then what are you saying?" Callie's voice broke as she said she one question it looked like she did not want to ask.
"You stayed. You had every chance to run…but you didn't", Arizona explained. "You stayed…you had to" the blonde finished quietly.
She saw the brunette's jaw tightened before Callie made her move. It didn't stop it from being a surprise when Callie ended up kneeling at Arizona's feet, hands on either side of her thighs.
Arizona briefly wondered if Callie now consciously put her hands where she knew Arizona would feel her. Conflicted within that moment. Love and admiration for the woman kneeling before her for putting so much thought and care into her actions; but also disgust and sadness that even her wife's comfort had to be thought out and planned now.
"I did not have to. Not the way you mean it. I did not stay because I was married to you. Because I was obligated to. I did not feel a duty to protect you and look after you. I did it because I wanted to. Because I had to, to survive", Callie explained looking her dead set in the eye. Arizona couldn't have look away if she had wanted to.
"I can't and won't lie to you. It was hard. At times you made it so damn difficult. You made it difficult to be around you, because you made it clear you hated me, despised me for what I did to you" Callie choked. "I took it because I deserved it, because I knew for you to come back to me, you had to make someone be the bad guy. You had to blame someone" her wife continued.
"When things got really bad I would go to Joe's or talk to Derek. Not about us, I wouldn't have done that to you. There were moments where I could see myself wondering what it would be like if I left" Callie admitted and Arizona couldn't help but feel her heart sink. She would not have blamed Callie if she had left in the early days or now, once she knew what she'd done.
"I couldn't do it. I wouldn't have done it. And it had nothing to do with obligation. Not a damn thing. I stayed because I loved you. Because I wanted to make you better. I wanted the life I promised you on our wedding day. I wanted you, I needed you. I need you" Callie finished the tears openly streaming down her beautiful face.
Arizona too could not help the tears that fell, fast and hard. She could not help the feeling of guilt and despair. She could not help the feeling of losing the last remaining drop of control in her life. She had had Callie. That she had known. She was convinced that Callie would eventually leave once she knew Arizona was being to be okay or once she knew that she would never be the same. But Callie had stayed. Not out of duty but love.
"I love you" Arizona whispered softly and watched as Callie's face lit with a heartbreakingly beautiful smile. It was Arizona who had the most beautiful woman in the world. Callie would never believe her, and always doubted in herself. Callie was amazing, and didn't know just how perfect she was. And Arizona was going to make it worse.
Callie let out a small, blissful laugh; a grin so big it was blinding. "I love you too. So so much", the brunette declared; and Arizona believed her.
Callie moved upwards and Arizona knew what she was going to do. She was going to kiss her. It was feel magical and perfect. It would possibly even fix everything that had been turning in Callie's brain for over a year. Until this afternoon, Arizona would have even agreed. But now, it wouldn't. Now it would feel wrong and dirty. Arizona could not kiss Callie again until she knew; and then would Callie kiss her. Would she smile so wide at her?
"Callie no. Wait!" Arizona blurted and she saw Callie's brow crease. She saw the hesitation and worry form with those two words. "I'm sorry I can't" Arizona apologized.
"Of course you can. I love you Arizona. I am here, and I am here to stay because I want to be here. I want you. I want us to raise Sofia. I want us and future" Callie puzzled clearly confused.
Arizona closed her eyes, unable to look directly into Callie eyes as she said "I kissed Lauren Boswell".
There was a heartbeat before Arizona opened her eyes again. She saw confusion and then doubt cross the other woman's face. She saw the moment Callie's life crumbled around her, and could do nothing to stop it. "What?" her wife whispered in disbelief.
A/N 4: No I am not writing anymore on this storyline until the finale has aired! I need an emotional break before Thursday.