Title: Modern Family: Glee Edition
Author: it'sbrittanabitch
Pairing/Character: Brittany/Santana, Quinn/Rachel, Kurt/Sam, Sugar, Harmony, and others
Rating: T (could change)
Summary: Follow the trials and tribulations of being a family. Glee goes Modern Family.
Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING! If I did Brittana would be making out all the time, Faberry would rid their obvious tension, and Blaine would've just been a mentor.
A/Ns: Brittany/Santana= Phil/Claire (because they are absolutely perfect for the role, I know a lot of people feel Santana should be Gloria, but Brittany is definitely not Jay), Quinn/Rachel= Gloria/Jay (Rachel is Jay because I want Rachel/Santana/Kurt to be related, Rachel will be a sister not their dad because that would be weird) Kurt/Sam= Mitchell/Cameron (for obvious reasons).
Episode 1: Pilot
"Kids! Breakfast!" Santana shouts as she moves around the kitchen, and does some finishing touches to breakfast. She sighs as she doesn't hear a response. "Kids?" Santana peaks outside the kitchen, and still doesn't see them. She grunts and turns to look over at Brittany who is focused on playing on her DS. "Britt, could you get them?" She asks as she begins to pour the orange juice.
"Uh-huh." She replies distractedly; her focus still on the game. "Just a sec." Brittany distractedly walks over to the open fridge, and grabs some food; her full attention still on the game. Santana moves around the kitchen and sighs.
"Kids!" She calls out again. Santana turns around with food in her hands and runs into the open fridge door dropping the bowl of food. "Okay." She says exasperatedly. She throws her hands up in the air. Brittany finally looks up.
"That was still op-"Brittany tries to warn her, but realizes she already ran into the door. Brittany feels bad for being distracted. "Kids, get down here!" Brittany calls out. Sugar quickly walks into the kitchen, phone in hand.
"Why were you guys yelling at us, we were way upstairs; just text me." Sugar explains while flipping her hair.
"Alright that's not going to happen." Santana says. She looks at Sugar's outfit. "And, wow, you are not wearing that outfit." She states being the protective mother that she is.
"Why what's wrong with it?" She asks confusedly, but goes back to texting on her phone.
"Honey," Santana says looking over at Brittany, who went back to playing on her DS, "Do you have anything to say to your daughter about her skirt?" She questions.
"Sorry," Brittany says bringing her full attention to Santana, she looks up and over at Sugar, "Oh yeah that looks really cute sweetheart." She smiles.
"Thanks." Sugar smiles back, and does a little twirl.
"No, it's WAY too short." Santana emphasizes. "People know you're a girl you don't need to prove it to them." She's about to add more, but then Charlie enters the kitchen.
"Brett got his head stuck in the banister again." Charlie says as she walks over and opens the fridge door to get some breakfast. Brittany stops playing on her DS.
"I got it," She says, "where's the baby oil?" She asks Santana as she starts exiting the kitchen.
"It's in our bedside tab-"Santana tries to think but is too frustrated, "I don't know find it." She says exasperatedly, as she hands Charlie her breakfast. Santana turns around to put the orange juice back in the fridge, thinking it's still open, but runs into the closed door. "Oh COME ON."
Brittany & Santana: Married 16 Years
Santana: I was out of control growing up, there I said it. (Smiles and looks over at Brittany) I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes that I made. (Santana rolls her eyes) If Sugar doesn't wake up on a beach in Florida half naked, I've done my job. (Brittany, who has her arm around Santana, nods her head)
There is an awkward pause.
Brittany: (looks at Santana) Our job.
Santana: Right. I've done our job. (They both awkwardly sit there)
"Andiamo Beth! Kick it, kick it! Don't let her get it Beth, come on kick!" Quinn exaggerates kicking motions as she shouts. "Beth go!" Quinn claps her hands as she jumps around. "Andare, andare, andare!" Somebody trips and steals the ball from Beth. "NO." Quinn falls to her knees, and puts her hands in her hair. "NO, NO, NO!" Quinn stands up and looks over at Rachel, who is sitting in a chair. "She tripped her Rach, where is her penalty?" She questions angrily.
"Quinn they're 0-6 let's take it down a notch." Rachel soothes.
Quinn & Rachel: Married 6 Months
Quinn: (smiles; and points to her and Rachel) We're very different. Rachel is from the city she has a BIG business. I come from a small town very poor, but very, very beautiful. (Leans her arm on Rachel's shoulder) It is the number one town in all of Italy for all the (Glances at Rachel) what's the word?
Rachel: (Looks at her) Murders.
Quinn: (Nods her head) Yes the murders.
It goes silent.
"BETH STOP HER, STOOOOP HER!" Quinn yells as she bounces up and down on her feet. She begins to clap her hands and shout. All of a sudden Beth stops running and stares at a girl riding along on her bike. She watches the girl glide past and waves at her. While Beth was waving the other team scored.
"Come on coach you gotta take that kid out!" One of the other soccer moms says. Quinn overhears the woman.
"You wanna take her out?" Quinn questions, she doesn't wait for an answer however. "How bout I take you out!" She points at the woman and starts off towards her.
"Honey, honey." Rachel says from her chair, she reaches her hand out to try and stop Quinn.
"Why don't you worry about your daughter?" She points accusingly. "She spent the first half of the game with her hand in her pants!" Quinn yells at the women. The mom opens her mouth in shock and walks away. A man that witnessed the whole debate walks up to Quinn.
"I've wanted to tell her off for the last six weeks." He smiles at Quinn and crosses his arms over his chest. He takes off his sunglasses. "I'm William, Emily's dad." He sticks his hand out and smiles.
"I'm Quinn Fabray, Beth's mother." She takes his hand and shakes it.
"And this must be your friend." Will smiles and points to Rachel.
"Her friend?" Rachel asks.
"Yeah." Will looks at her and smiles. Rachel sees the way he is looking at Quinn. She glares at him, and tries to get out of her chair, but has trouble.
"Actually no, I'm her wife." She is still struggling to stand up. "Don't be fooled by the, uh give me a second here." She is still trying to stand up.
"Who's a good girl? Who's that?" Kurt smiles as he holds onto his newly adopted baby, from his aisle seat on the airplane. "Who's that?" He leans in closer to her.
"Oh she's adorable." An old woman in the seat across from him says. Kurt looks up.
"Oh thank you." He smiles at her.
"Hi precious." The old woman says. She starts making funny faces at him, and Kurt encourages the baby to laugh.
"We just adopted her from Vietnam." He says as he looks over at the women. "We're bringing her home for the first time, huh?" Kurt smiles at the baby as he says this.
"She's an angel." A man sitting by the window seat says. "You and your wife must be thrilled." He smiles. Kurt looks at him for a second, and is about to say something but then Sam comes running towards his seat next to him.
"Sorry, sorry." Sam says as he squeezes through to get next to Kurt. "Daddy needed snacks." He smiles, and sits down next to Kurt. He looks at the man in the window seat, and smiles. "Hi." The woman across the aisle stares at him in shock, and the man looks confused. "So, what are we talking about?" Sam asks as he looks between the man and Kurt.
Kurt & Sam: Together For 5 Years
Kurt: Uh we have been together for guh 5 years now? (He looks over at Sam; Sam nods) And we just, we decided that we really wanted to have a baby so we actually asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate. (He pokes Sam)
Sam: But we figured they're already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant. (Sam bends his head down as if he's sharing a secret) No thank you. (He shrugs his shoulders)
"You saw that right?" Kurt asks quietly as he looks over at Sam. "You saw everybody fawning over Zoe, but then you come over and they're all like, oh Sky Mall I gotta buy a motorized ty-rack." Kurt looks around at all the people. "Alright I'm gonna give the speech."
"No you are not gonna give the speech." Sam says as he reaches his arm out to stop Kurt from standing up. "We're gonna have to be with these people for the next 5 hours."
"You're right, you're right." Kurt says calming down a little. "I'm sorry." He says, and he rubs Sam's arm. A young women looks at Kurt and Sam while she walks towards her seat. She smiles at her husband.
"Oh look at that baby with those cream puffs." She chuckles.
"Okay," Kurt sighs, "excuse me. Excuse me this baby would've grown up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for these cream puffs." He stands up. "And you know what? To all of you that judge."
"Kurt." Sam whispers.
"Hear this; love knows no race or gender." Sam is still trying to get Kurt's attention. "And shame on you," Kurt continues, "you small minded, ignorant-"
"Kurt!" Sam says louder.
"What?" Kurt asks angrily.
"She's got the cream puffs." Sam whispers as he points to Zoe holding about 3 or 4 cream puffs.
"Oh." Kurt says embarrassed and sits in his seat. Sam leans up in his chair and turns around.
"We would like to pay for everyone's headsets." He smiles nervously and nods his head.
Brittany is helping Brett get out of the banister on the stairs. "Buddy," She says, "why do you keep getting stuck like this?" She asks gently as she rubs the baby oil on his head.
"I thought I could get out this time." He answers.
"I'm just gonna say it." Charlie says as she walks down the stairs. "He needs to be checked by a specialist."
"Ow." Brett whines as Brittany pulls his head out.
"There," Brittany says as she helps him get out, "be free Excalibur." She looks over at the camera with a smile. She laughs at her own joke.
"I'm having a friend over today." Sugar says as she heads for the stairs.
"Who?" Santana questions as she takes the laundry down the stairs.
"Uh you don't know her." Sugar sings as she passes Brittany, and heads up the stairs.
"Uh her, her?" Santana asks as she looks over at Brittany.
"Oh, a girl, are you gonna be like mom and mama and kiss her?" Brett teases.
"Shut up. I'm gonna-"Sugar starts to head back down the stairs as Brett starts making kissing faces towards her.
"Easy, easy." Brittany says.
"Shut-up, you're not even into girls." Sugar says to Brett. Then it breaks into chaos and all the kids start yelling at each other. Santana looks at all of them and raises her voice.
"Stop, Charlie, Brett why don't you take this outside." She offers jokingly. Charlie gets confused.
"And do what?" She asks snidely.
"Fight in the sun, it'll be a nice change." Brittany jokes and she starts to laugh. "I'm kidding." She smiles at them.
"Sugar!" Santana calls her as she sees Sugar is trying to sneak upstairs. Sugar huffs and heads back to Santana.
"Her name is Harmony," She sighs, "you know I might as well tell her not to come since you're just gonna embarrass me." She exclaims, and starts to head back upstairs.
"Sweetie," Santana chuckles, and looks over at Brittany, "hang on a second. You're fifteen, and it's the first time you've had a girl like this over. I mean I'm bound to be a little surprised." She looks back down at Brittany again, and Brittany smiles. "I'm not gonna embarrass you." She says mock-offended.
"I better go charge the cam-coarder." Brittany says and heads for the kitchen.
"MOM!" Sugar whines dramatically and heads back upstairs. Brittany stops walking towards the kitchen.
"I'm kidding!" She yells after Sugar. "Come on! Who are you talking to?" Brittany shouts as she points to herself.
Brittany: I'm the cool mom that's ma thing. I'm hip, I surf the web, (She shows her IPhone to the camera) I text. LOL, laugh out loud, OMG, oh my god, WTF, why the face. (She looks down at her phone) I know all the dances to High School Musical, so. (She smiles)
It shows Brittany singing We're All In This Together and dancing to it in the living room. The dancing was fine, but she got most of the words wrong. Sugar and the others watch her and sink into the couch and cover their faces.
"Mom, Mama!" Charlie shouts holding her arm. "Brett just shot me!" She says Brett was slowly following her behind.
"I didn't mean to!" He says quickly.
"Are you okay?" Santana says. She puts the laundry basket down and bends down to look at Charlie's arm.
"No!" She scoffs. "The little bitch shot me!" She exclaims, holding her arm tighter. Brittany starts to laugh.
"Hey, language!" Santana says. She looks behind herself to glare at Brittany, and Brittany immediately stops laughing.
"They're only plastic BBs!" Brett defends. "It was an accident." He says as he holds up the BB gun. Santana gasps and turns around to face Brittany. She folds her arms.
"What did I tell you would happen if you got him a gun?" She questions. "Deal with this." She says.
"Buddy," Brittany hesitates, "uncool." She says as she points at him. Santana pauses and waits for Brittany to say something else, but Brittany is looking at how sad Brett looks, and just stares at him.
"That's it?" Santana asks baffled. "That-no no no no. The agreement was that if he shoots someone you shoot him." She explains.
"We were serious about that?" Brittany questions timidly.
"Yes we were, and now you have to follow through." Santana says. Brett starts to freak out knowing she's serious and he starts to sob.
"I-I'm so s-s-orry." He cries. Brittany looks at him and is about to deny Santana, but Santana sees right through him.
"Liar." She states. He immediately stops crying and stares at her. "Go." She nods her head at Brittany indicating to go towards the backyard.
"He's got a birthday party." Brittany replies.
"What's more important here Mom?" Charlie questions.
"You can shoot him afterwards he'll be home at two." Santana reasons.
"I can't shoot him at two I'm showing a house." Brittany replies.
"What about three?" Charlie asks.
"No, he's got a soccer game at three." Santana says. Santana squints and looks at the calendar. "And then, oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing at five." She walks over to the calendar and looks at the times. "We could shoot him at 4:15?" Santana offers.
"Yeah I guess that works for me." Brittany agrees. Brett whines.
"Ok," Santana picks up the sharpie, and starts to write on the calendar, "Shoot Brett."
"Sorry dude," Brittany says as she ruffles his hair, "it's on the calendar." All of them leave the kitchen except Brett. He continues to stare at the calendar.
"Oh come on."
"I'm quitting soccer; it is a game for children." Beth states.
"No you are not quitting." Quinn says. "You would've stopped that ball if you weren't busy staring at that girl." She reassures.
"She is not a girl; she is a woman." Beth says. Quinn looks at her, and then looks away while rolling her eyes. They both get into the car that Rachel pulled up.
"You know Quinn that little blow up with the woman, why did you have to do that?" Rachel asks as she puts the car into drive.
"If somebody says something about my family I have to." Quinn said dramatically.
"You can take it down here a little bit that's all." Rachel says as she points down to Quinn's thigh.
"Yeah 'cause that's where you live, down here." Quinn says as she points to her thigh. "But I live up here." She says as she holds up her hand up dramatically.
"Yeah but you don't have to be so emotional all the time, that's all I'm saying." Rachel states as she starts to move the car forward. "Beth you're with me on this right?" Rachel questions.
"I wanna tell Brenda Feldman that I love her." Beth states dreamily, staring out the car window.
"Oh, for Barbara's sake." Rachel says as she turns the car.
"Beth she is 16." Quinn says.
"Oh and it's okay for you to take older lovers?" Beth questions.
"Hey, watch it." Rachel defends Quinn.
"I wanna go to the mall where she works." Beth says. "But first I need to get my white shirt, the silk one."
"Okay if that's what you really want to do." Quinn agrees.
"Seriously, not to be the evil step-mom but if you put on a puffy white shirt and declare your love for a 16 year old. You're gonna be swinging from the flag pole in your fluffy white underpants." Rachel explains.
"Stop the car." Beth says.
"What? Where are you going?" Quinn asks. But Beth is already halfway out the car. Beth leaves the car, and other cars start to honk their horns. Quinn looks over disapprovingly at Rachel. "You see, you hurt her feelings."
"Yeah well if it toughens her up a little bit, then-"She looks out the car and sees Beth picking flowers. "Ah cheese she's picking flowers."
Quinn: Beth is very passionate, just like her father. My first husband he's very handsome, but too crazy. It seemed that all we did was fight and make love, fight and make love, fight and make love. One time I'm not kidding you we fell out a window together. (She starts to laugh)
Rachel: (Stares at Quinn) Which one were you doing?
It gets awkwardly quiet.
Rachel: No seriously I'm hearing this for the first time.
Kurt and Sam are walking towards their house. Kurt is holding the baby carrier as they enter the house.
"This doesn't worry you?" He asks as he looks over at Sam. "She barely slept on the plane, and she's still wide awake." He says worriedly.
"Stop worrying." Sam says, as he puts the bags down to open the door for Kurt.
"Hey Sam, that orphanage was all women. Maybe she can't fall asleep unless she feels a woman's shape." Kurt explains.
"I guess that's possible." Sam agrees. He begins to put some of the baby stuff on the table and couches.
"So here." Kurt says as he hands over the baby carrier. Sam stops and looks at Kurt, mildly offended.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He asks as he looks over at Kurt.
Sam: Yes I've gained a few extra pounds while we were expecting the baby. (Kurt looks over at him questionably) Which has been very difficult, but apparently your body does a natural nesting, and a very maternal primal thing, (while he explains it, the camera shows a clip of him in the cupboard eating a donut; he sees the camera and just stares at it, but keeps eating) were your body gains nutrients it's sort of a molecular physiology thing. But that's science, you can't- you can't fight it. So…(he looks down, and Kurt just stares into the camera)
Kurt: I'm not saying anything.
Sam: You're saying everything.
Silence.
"Count to three." Sam says excitedly.
"Ok," Kurt says, "One, two."
"Three!" Sam exclaims as he opens the door to Zoe's bedroom.
"Ok." Kurt says unsure. "Ok," He looks around the room, "Oh Sam."
"Oh my god do you love it." Sam says. Kurt is still looking around the pink room to busy admiring it to see what Sam is really looking at.
"Yes I-"He says dreamily, then he turns around to see a painting right above Zoe's crib, of Sam and Kurt floating on clouds, naked. There private parts were covered up, however. "What the hell is that?" He questions.
"I had Andre paint it." He smiles.
"Is that us, with wings?" He questions looking over at Sam.
"We're floating above her, always there to protect her." Sam says proudly crossing his arm over his chest.
"That's reassuring right Zoe?" Kurt asks sarcastically. "Yes we tore you away from everything you know, but don't worry things are normal here, your dads are floating fairies. Can you call Andre?" Kurt asks. "And have him paint something a little less gay." He gestures towards the painting. "By the way, we need to stop having friends with names like Andre." Kurt states.
"Brunette daddy is angry daddy." Sam mumbles to Zoe.
"No I'm not." Kurt disagrees.
"Yes you are." Sam argues. "Even Pepper pointed it out on the way back from the airport." Sam reminds Kurt.
"And that's another one Pepper." Kurt points out. "Yeah."
"Ok what's up?" Sam asks.
"Alright look I-"Kurt sighs, "I-I never told my family we were adopting a baby." He looks down. "And-"
"I know." Sam says.
"You do?" Kurt asks surprised.
"Yep and I don't blame you." Sam says. "I know your family, you tell 'em, they'd say something judgmental."
"Exactly." Kurt agrees.
"You'd get mad." Sam adds.
"I know and I don't want to make something joyful, be something that turns into this huge fight!" Kurt exclaims.
"And who wants a big emotional scene like that." Sam finishes.
"Thank you, thank you. I'm so relieved that you understand." Kurt leans his forehead on Sam's shoulder. Kurt pulls away.
"I invited them over for dinner tonight." Sam says. He starts to walk out the room.
"What?" Kurt asks. He begins to follow Sam.
"I had to this would have gone on forever. You're an avoider." Sam turns around and shrugs.
"No, no, no Sam I'm calling them right now and cancelling." Kurt continues to follow him.
"No you're not. You're telling your family that you adopted a baby, tonight." Sam says. "And you do have avoidance issues. Even Loginance said so." Sam walks into the kitchen.
"Are you really not hearing these names?" Kurt asks. Kurt follows him.
Harmony is standing at the Pierce-Lopez door she bends down and looks in the window. Then she rings the doorbell.
"DON'T ANSWER IT! I'LL GET IT" Sugar yells from upstairs as she fixes her outfit. Santana is folding laundry in the dining room and stares at the door. Sugar starts to run down the stairs, while Santana is rushing to the door while holding a towel. Sugar sees that Santana will get there first so she slows down and lets Santana open the door.
"Hi, hey you must be Harmony." Santana says as she sticks out her hand.
"Hey Harmony yeah." She shakes Santana's hand.
"I'm Sugar's mami." She tightens her grip. Sugar pushes her aside.
"Hey." Sugar smiles and reaches out to grab Harmony's hand. "Come on let's go." She starts to drag Harmony up the stairs.
"Ok now hang on one second." Santana says. They both pause halfway up the stairs. Santana grabs Harmony's sleeve. "Ok now Harmony. You're still in high school?" She questions.
"Uh yeah," Harmony hesitates, "I'm a senior." She smiles.
"A senior." Santana processes what Harmony just said, she nods her head. "Ok cool." She nods her head thoughtfully. She looks over and sees Brittany getting her jacket on and getting ready to go. "Britt-Britt, sweetie." Santana says. "Honey, she is Harmony, and she is a senior." She says pointing to Harmony. Brittany walks towards them. She gets closer to Brittany, "And you need to scare her." She whispers. Brittany smiles and nods.
"Let me meet this playa." She sticks her fist out. "Brittany S. Pierce-Lopez, yo."
Brittany: (staring intensely into the camera; glaring into it) It's like that you just- you stare down at them let the eyes do the work. Your mouth might be saying, 'Yeah we cool' (she points to her mouth; but her gaze is still intense; she then points to her eyes) but your eyes are like 'No we not.' (Points to her mouth again) 'Yeah it's nice to meet you.' (Points to her eyes again) 'No it's not.' (Points to her mouth again) 'It's all good.' (Points to her eyes again) 'No it's.' (She trails off)
"Yo." Brittany says.
"Yo." Harmony counters. Brittany starts to stare intently at her. Sugar sees that Harmony is kind of uncomfortable.
"Ok." She says rubbing the back of her neck. "See you guys-"
"Wait, wait, wait." Brittany interrupts. "You two." Brittany stumbles a little as she goes up a step higher than Harmony. "You two keep it real, know what I mean girl?" Brittany questions trying to look threatening.
"Not really." Harmony replies confusedly. Brittany stares at Harmony harder.
"Please stop." Sugar begs.
"It's cool." Brittany's arm slides down the railing and she goes down with it. "Oh god that's my back." She goes and holds her back, and falls to the ground. Sugar looks exasperatedly at the camera.
"Honey, sweetie." Santana says worriedly and rushes towards Brittany.
"Oh ow, I slipped and I fell on my back. I need some baby oil." Brittany whines.
Brittany: (Points to her mouth) 'Where are you from originally?' (Points to her eyes) 'I could defeat you if it came to a physical confrontation.'
"Ow, ow, ow ." Brittany clings to Harmony's neck as she carries her to the couch.
"Honey should I call a doctor?" Santana asks as she follows them to the couch.
"No, no, no, no, no." Brittany replies. "Oh, you're very strong homes." She slowly releases Harmony's neck as she sets her down.
"Thanks." She smiles.
"Alright nice and easy; a nice soft landing." Brittany says as she leans down. "Ah oh, I'm on my side." Brittany says.
"Ok let's go." Sugar says, she grabs Harmony and takes her upstairs.
"So just flip me on my back, and we'll be good." Brittany says. Santana sighs and goes back to the dining room to keep doing the laundry. "We'll be good; I just need to be flipped on my back. And we should be fine."
Beth runs up the stairs in the mall, and stares over at where Brenda works. "Brenda Feldman." She says dreamily with the flowers in her hand. Quinn sees a paper in Beth's hand.
"What is that?" She asks.
"A poem I've written for Brenda Feldman." Beth replies.
"Oh of course it is." Rachel mumbles.
"I put my thoughts into words, and my words into action!" Beth says. Quinn gently rubs the top of Beth's head. Beth starts to head up the stairs towards Brenda. Rachel stops her.
"Hey I'll give you 50 bucks not to do this." Rachel bends down and says.
"I'm 11 years old, what am I gonna do with money?" Beth questions.
"What are you gonna do with a 16 year old?" Rachel reiterates. Beth ignores her and goes up the stairs and heads towards Brenda.
"She's like a bull fighter." Quinn says proudly.
"Hmm, you ever see a bullfight?" Rachel questions. "I can't watch this."
"You're in such a bad mood." Quinn says. "And I know why, it's because that man thought you were just a friend."
"Noooo." Rachel lies.
"Yes." Quinn argues.
"Noooo." Rachel tries again.
"When you say no like that it's always yes." Quinn points out. "Come on we're in the mall, why don't we get you some clothes." She says, and starts to pop Rachel's sweater. "There's a store there that I know."
"I don't need any other clothes." Rachel whines. Quinn looks at her and shrugs. "And I don't care what some jackass with a pair of ripped jeans thinks about me."
"Good, you shouldn't." Quinn says reassuringly. "You should only care what I think, and I love you. And I don't care who thinks that we are 'just friends', because I know we aren't and what other people think shouldn't matter, as long as we know it. So stop being a gloomy goose, and stop being so hard on Beth." Quinn exclaims.
"The only reason I'm hard on Beth is because I don't wanna see her make a fool out of herself. And I can smell her hair goo all the way from here." They look over and see Beth hand Brenda the flower and start to read her poem.
"Look I don't know what's going to happen to her over there, but you're her family now. And that means only one thing, you be the wind in her back not the spit in her face."
"What?" Rachel asks confused.
"Something my mom always says, it sounds gorgeous in Italian." She smiles. She looks up and sees Beth walking back. "Look she's there." They both go towards Beth where she looks defeated.
"She has a boyfriend." Beth looks down, and sighs.
"Oh I'm sorry mio bambino." She grabs her head and kisses it.
"I gave her my heart and she gave me a picture of me as an old time sheriff." Beth sighs and looks at the brown coloured picture. "That was pretty stupid of me wasn't it?" She asked sadly.
"No mio amore it was brave, right Rach? Brave." Quinn looked over at Rachel pleadingly.
"Uh-um At least she'll know better next time." Rachel shrugs. "Come on let's get a pretzel." Rachel says. Beth looks down, but follows. Quinn shakes her head disapprovingly and bends down to wrap her arms around Beth.
"Mi place molto. È così carino." She rubs Beth's shoulder comfortingly. They keep walking and a mall officer pulls Rachel to the side.
"Excuse me ma'am we ask that all mall walkers go to the right side." He says. Rachel looks down at her outfit, then at the mall walkers. She sees a store with loud rap music, and what she believes to be young looking clothes and goes inside.
Santana is mixing some cake frosting, when she hears Sugar.
"Charlie get out! Mom make Charlie get out of my room!" Sugar yells. Santana stops mixing the frosting.
"Charlie leave your sister alone!" She yells back.
"I was just getting my book gosh!" Charlie says as she walks into the kitchen.
"I know sweetie, but you need to respect their privacy." She takes a finished cake, and flips it out of the pan. "What are they doing up there?" She questions while still moving stuff around and now adding frosting to the finished cake.
"Nothing," Charlie says as she opened her book, "they're lying on her bed and watching a movie." She says casually not paying attention. Santana suddenly stops what she's doing, and looks up. She tries to be calm.
"Ok." She inhales, "Ok, um I'm making a cake for tonight. You want to help me with the frosting?" Santana questions, she was still internally panicking about Sugar and Harmony all alone in Sugar's room.
"Sure." Charlie closes her book and goes up to Santana to help. "So what do you think they're doing up there?" She asks. Santana pauses and tries to not jump to conclusions. "I wonder what movie they're watching. I mean if you really think about it they're kind of like you and momma with the way they watch movies on her bed. Don't you think?" Santana stops what she's doing all together.
Brittany and Brett are in the backyard, and Brittany is nervously holding the BB gun. She looks at Brett and sees that he has hats, goggles, more than one pair of pants, and a jacket.
"Buddy, what are you wearing?" She gestures to his outfit.
"Nothing." He replies trying to be casual.
"Uh-uh no jacket." She says, he frowns and takes it off. "One hat." She says exasperatedly. He removes 4 of them so there's only one left. "And how many pairs of underwear do you have on?" She questions.
"One," He answers, she stares at him, "Six." He scoffs.
Charlie is now mixing the frosting, and Santana puts the other comment behind her and continued to bake. "I mean you and momma always watch re-runs of Sweet Valley High. And they were as close as you and momma get." She smiles, oblivious to what actually happens between Brittany and Santana. Santana stops and looks at Charlie.
"Sugar and Harmony are just good friends." Santana smiles.
"I know." She smiles deviously.
"And I know that you also like to get Sugar in trouble." Santana smirks, "But it's not gonna work this time. You wanna know why?" Santana asks. Charlie nods her head. "Because your sister is a good girl, I know, I was just like her when I was-"She leaves the kitchen.
"I want you to know that I'm not enjoying this. But this is an important lesson that you're learning. So soak it keep it." She hesitates, but slowly lifts up the BB gun. She clears her throat and points it at him.
"You're too close, it's gonna hurt." Brett says.
"It's supposed to hurt." Brittany reasons.
"Then why are you smiling?" Brett asks.
"I'm not smil-what?" Brittany questions.
Santana starts taking laundry upstairs, but makes sure that her steps are extra loud. She reaches Sugar's door, and then looks at the camera.
Brittany hesitates and points the BB gun at Brett, and starts shuffling on her feet. She leans back ready to shoot. Brett cowers back looking terrified. Brittany sees how scared he is and leans up. "Oh forget it." She says, lowering the gun a little. "I can't do this." She says. "The point is you're scared. I think you've learned your lesson." Brittany accidently presses the trigger. "Wow." She looks down at the gun.
"Ow!" Brett exclaims. He looks down and holds onto his arm.
Santana barges into Sugar's room. Sugar and Harmony are on the bed sharing a blanket, and Sugar's laptop is on the edge of the bed.
"Mami!" Sugar shouts. Harmony hops off the bed as Santana goes off to start putting the laundry away. "What are you doing?" She asks.
"Oh honey, I was just dropping off some laundry. Is this a bad time?" She questions, while holding up the laundry.
"Yeah." Sugar states like it's the most obvious thing in the world, Harmony slowly goes back on the bed.
"Oh ok." Santana shrugs nonchalantly. She starts to walk out the room.
"Um, can you shut the door please?" Sugar asks.
"Actually we're just gonna go ahead and leave that open." Santana smiles.
"Why?" Sugar persists.
"Because I have uh seen this little show before." She says pointing at both of them. "Lying on the bed with a senior, one minute you're just friends watching the Falcon Crest and next lying underneath the air hockey table with your bra in your pocket." Santana explains.
"Whoa." Harmony says.
"MAMI!" Sugar shouts embarrassed.
Brett is breathing heavily and looking at his arm. "You hit my bone!" He exaggerates.
"It was an accident!" Brittany panics.
"I thought you were my friend!" Brett shouts. Brittany looks at the camera and bends down towards Brett.
"I am your friend." She soothes, and lightly touches his arm.
"Mom!" Sugar yells as she runs out on the back porch with Harmony. "Mom, Mom, you have GOT to talk to Mami, she is like completely freaking out and embarrassing me!" Sugar begs. Brittany turns around to face Sugar.
"Well honey your mami isn't always cool about things-"The BB gun goes off again, and it hits Harmony's neck, and she falls down. "OH what is with this thing?" Brittany drops the gun, and steps on it, and it goes off again on her foot. "OW!"
Kurt: My sisters uh, uh my sisters are still getting used to me dating Sam. Because in high school Sam wasn't exactly very out. (He glances at Sam) They do this thing were whenever they enter the room that Sam and I are in they announce themselves before entering; Rachel especially. Just to make sure they don't ever have to see us kiss. Which doesn't really make any sense?
Sam: No not really. (He pauses) Wish my mother had that system, remember.
Kurt: Not now. (Kurt gently pats his arm)
Kurt enters the room with a tray of food. "I still can't believe you did this to me." He says while balancing the food.
"Would you get in the spirit of things?" Sam asks, as he follows him in the room. "It's a celebration." He places some food on the table. The doorbell rings.
"Oh god." Kurt sighs.
"I'm going to go get Zoe ready." He walks up to Kurt.
"Ok." Kurt replies.
"And I just want you to come straight out with it."
"Alright." Kurt agrees.
"Ok, you can do this." Sam reassures him. "Sports guy chest bump." Kurt shakes his head. "Sports guy chest bump." Kurt still disagrees, Sam bumps him anyway. "Cool it." Kurt holds his chest. "Sorry." He smiles and walks off to get Zoe. Kurt goes and opens the door. The Pierce-Lopez's are at the door.
"Hey!" Kurt says to everyone. Santana steps in and hugs him. He greets everyone else. Brittany hands him a bottle of wine. "Thanks." Kurt smiles.
"Don't thank us," Santana smiles, "Rachel is coming right behind." The doorbell goes off about 3 times, and then Rachel announces loudly that she's here. The rest of the Fabray's entering.
"In here coming in!" Rachel peaks in.
"Don't worry Rach nothing gay going on in here." Kurt says.
"It's not that." Rachel says, but she comes in. She is wearing a big sweat-shirt that has several different colours on it, and a baseball cap turned to the side.
"Can I take your multi-coloured coat and bejeweled hat?" Kurt asks.
"Yeah." Rachel smiles and hands it to him.
"Hey Rach." Brittany smiles and hugs her.
"Hey Quinn." Santana says and quickly hugs her. "Hi sis." Santana says as she briefly hugs Rachel.
"Hi Quinn." Brittany says shyly and hugs her and lingers a little. "How are you?" She smiles at Quinn. "That's a really beautiful dress." Brittany comments as she looks at Quinn.
"Ah thank you, it's from Phil." She says as she shows it off. Brittany misinterprets what Quinn says.
"Okay." She says happily. She goes and touches Quinn's dress with a huge smile on her face.
"No!" Santana slaps Brittany's hand, and then grabs it and drags her away. "She was saying Phil not feel."
"Oh." Brittany says disappointedly.
"So how was your trip?" Rachel questions.
"It was good actually." Kurt replies. "But about that, I have something that I need to tell you guys." All of them gather around the living room, some of them are sitting, some of them are standing. "Um we didn't just go to Vietnam, um for pleasure, we uh kind of have some big news." He says excitedly.
"Oh god if Sam comes out here with boobs I'm leaving." Rachel exclaims.
"Rachel!" Santana says.
"I hope she didn't embarrass you mami." Sugar replies snottily.
"Oh don't mind her," Santana says from her spot on the couch, "Sugar had her first girl over and Britt shoot him." Brittany from her spot above Santana stops rubbing Santana's shoulder and looks up to see Kurt staring at her disbelievingly.
"Anyway um," Kurt starts again, "So about-about a year ago Sam and I started feeling this longing. For something more like maybe a baby."
"Whoa that's a bad idea." Rachel says.
"What do you mean it's a bad idea?" Kurt questions.
"I mean kids need a mother." She says. "I mean if you two guys are bored get a dog."
"Ok we're not bored Rach." Kurt is about to say something else but is interrupted.
"I support you Kurt even though you are not my brother." Quinn looks up at Kurt and smiles at him.
"I-I think what Rachel is trying to say is that Kurt you're a little uptight, kids bring chaos and you don't handle it well." Santana explains.
"Oh that's not watch Rachel is saying that's what you're saying, and it's insulting in a whole different way." Kurt argues.
"Hey people let's all chillax." Brittany says, as she lifts her arm from Santana's shoulder to calm them down.
"Hey where's Uncle Sam?" Charlie asks.
"Thank you, thank you, someone who's not insulting me; notices he's not here." Kurt says.
"Oooh so that's the big announcement huh? You two broke up?" Rachel asks. "Well a baby wasn't gonna help that anyway." Rachel says. "And you know what let me tell you, you're a little better off, Sam was a bit of a drama queen."
"You know what stop, stop. No you come into my house and you insult me and my boyfriend. Who by the way is not that dramatic." All of a sudden the Lion King theme starts to play. Sam starts to walk out slowly with the beat, and holding Zoe in his hands. When the song gets to the circle of life he lifts Zoe up and a spotlight shines on her. "You see, we adopted a baby." Kurt says nervously. "Her name is Zoe." He says. Everybody looks shocked.
"It's so exciting!" Sam says over the music.
"Just turn it off." Kurt says.
"I can't turn it off, it's who I am." Sam replies.
"The music." Kurt says.
"Oh." Sam says. He rushes to grab the remote and turns off the music. "Come say hi to Zoe."
"Oh look at the little princess!" Quinn says excitedly and stands up and to go and greet Zoe. The three Lopez-Pierce children immediately go up and greet Zoe excitedly and admire how cute she is.
"Hi Zoe." Brittany says with a smile and pulls Santana along with her as they greet her. "Zoe isn't that gonna be kind of hard for her to say?" Brittany asks.
"Britt." Santana leans back onto her while holding Zoe, and shakes her head.
"Oh." Brittany says, and she places her arm around Santana.
"Ok I know that I said this was a bad idea." Rachel says. Everyone looks over at Rachel. "But uh, what do I know? I mean it's not like I wrote the book on parenthood. I've been trying all my life to get it right and I still manage to screw it up. Right Beth?"
"I wrote a song about it in the car." Beth answers.
"Of course you did." Rachel smiles, "Anyway I'm happy for you, and you should know uh that I'm not here to spit in your face; I'm here to blow at your back." Everyone looks confusedly at her. "It's supposed to sound better in Italian."
"Vuoi essere il vento alla schiena non gli sputi in faccia." Quinn says with a smile.
"Ahhh." Everyone says, and they all nod their heads.
"That's beautiful, thank you." Sam says.
"Anyhow Kurt." Rachel says looking down.
"Don't worry about it Rach." Zoe starts to cry. "I got her, I got her." He takes Zoe into his hands and then brings her over to Rachel. "Do you want to meet Rachel?" He says while bouncing her.
"She's one of us now, let me see the little stinker." Rachel smiles. "Hey you're a cutie aren't you?" Rachel grins down at her. Everybody watches Rachel interact with her.
Sugar bumps Charlie and smiles, Sam watches proudly as Kurt hands Zoe off to Rachel. Quinn looks on happily with Beth as Rachel makes cooing noises to Zoe, and Brittany wraps her arms around Santana from behind and Santana leans back onto Brittany.
"We're from different worlds, yet we somehow fit together."
Everybody gets out their cameras and phones to film Rachel interacting with Zoe.
"Love is what binds us."
Brittany tickles Zoe's feet and Santana grips Brittany's hand and laughs.
"Through fair or stormy weather."
Beth hands Sugar a pot of flowers.
"I stand before you now with one agenda."
Kurt and Sam hold Zoe up in the air and are laughing.
"To let you know my heart is yours Feldman comma Brenda."
Rachel: (Folds up the poem; and laughs) I mean seriously.
Brittany: Brett so far hasn't beaten me at basketball. (It shows a clip of Brittany and Brett on the trampoline shooting at the basket '2-0' Brittany says, Brittany smacks the basketball out of Brett's hands, and slam dunks the ball, Brett goes to shoot and Brittany smacks it down. 'Mom' Brett whines, 'Get this stuff out of my kitchen." Brittany replies Brittany points at something to distract him then does a flip on the trampoline, and slam dunks it. 'How's the weather down there?') But when the day comes that he does win, if he if, he beats me. I'm just gonna be like well-done sir, well done. (Does a fake bow) I need to support him in this kind of stuff. I'm probably gonna do 2 out of 3 and see what happens there.
A/N: I meant to upload this yesterday but I was busy! So Merry Belated Christmas!