The Promise
Pairings: P/T
Rating: T
Disclaimers: Nothing belongs to me. Lines here from "Alice" and references to "Memorial".
Summary: Tom makes a promise to B'Elanna that he never intended to break. But when he does, resolution may not be so easy to find. Based on the episodes "Alice" and "Memorial".
"From now on, I promise no affairs with strange ships."
He felt B'Elanna loosen her grip around him and stare him in the eyes. "What about the delta flyer?"
"We're just friends," he quipped.
She traces patterns around his comm badge. "Promise me you'll never hurt me like that again."
Her voice comes out in a whisper, but he can hear the vulnerability there, loud and clear.
He pulled her close again, and shut his eyes. "I promise," he said clearly. I never ever want you to feel threatened by me.
"And Tom?"
He opened his eyes.
"Promise me, no matter how possessed and distracted you are, no matter what state of mind you're in, that you will never wear that awful jumpsuit again."
He smiled into her shoulder. "I solemnly promise never to wear that awful jumpsuit again."
***
Never make promises that you don't intend to keep.
That's what his mother always used to say.
Of all the promises he'd ever made, of all the ones worth keeping, this was by the far the most important. And instead of honouring it and keeping it safe, he'd tripped and shattered it beyond repair.
All he can think about is the look in her eyes after he'd shouted at her when all she did was try and help him. From this day on, he'd never forget the look of hurt shining in her eyes. Worst still was the glimmer of fear that he put there. She was never meant to see that side of him, ever. For her to see it twice was unforgiveable.
He paces around his quarters, trying to figure out how to make things right again. But he knows that no fast words and floods of apologies would be enough to fix this. And somewhere deep down, part of him realises that maybe this time, the hole between them was too big to mend.
But it doesn't stop him from trying.
He walks to her quarters and presses the call button. It takes a while before he hears her "Come," and slowly, he enters, filled with trepidation.
It takes him a moment for him to find her, sitting in the dark corner by the side of her bed, knees drawn up like a child. As he gets closer, he notices that she'd been crying. He's never seen her cry before.
He crouches down in front of her, observing the way she can't quite look him in the eye, and places a tentative hand on her knee.
"B'Elanna, I am so sorry," his voice is soft, but not enough to soothe her.
She meets his gaze. "You've been saying that a lot lately," she says, just as softly.
"I've been messing up a lot lately." The guilt over it won't fade, and he doesn't think it ever will.
"It takes a lot to scare me, Tom. But when you shouted at me like that, you made me feel threatened by you for the first time in our relationship. Even the Alice situation doesn't compare."
He feels his heart breaking at the words. "Nothing excuses the way I acted towards you. Not even the reason why I acted like it."
She shakes her head. "I understand why you said those things, and I forgive you. I just-,"
"Can't forget," he finishes.
"...your voice," she adds.
"I can't believe I broke my promise to you."
She places a hand over his. "It's not your fault."
Tom shakes his head. "But it is."
They fall in an uncomfortable silence.
"What now?" she finally whispers.
"What now?" he echoes, feeling like he's hanging on the edge of a cliff, and her next move will determine whether he falls or flies.
"I'm not sure this is working anymore," she says, her voice empty, and with that he feels himself falling. "We argue all the time, over everything. We keep secrets from each other and we keep hurting one another. Things keep getting in our way, as if the universe doesn't want us to be together. And I don't know if I have the strength to keep fighting anymore."
He doesn't say anything, and for a while they sit in silence again. He doesn't know what to feel. He doesn't know how to feel. He doesn't want this to end, but what's the point in running if you're running on empty? Is that what their relationship was? A warp core that was struggling to survive without deuterium? Maybe this is the punishment he deserved. Maybe he doesn't fully deserve her. Maybe he never did.
Finally he comes up with his response. "If that's what you want, I won't argue with you." Quite frankly, he wasn't sure if he had the strength left either.
She hangs her head briefly, before standing up. He stands up too, and she follows him as heads for the door.
Just as he's about to leave, he turns to face her. He notices the heart break evident in her eyes, and her struggle to keep her resolve. He places a firm kiss to her lips, savouring the taste, the touch, the feel. His goodbye kiss.
He can't bring himself to say anything, so instead he just leaves without a backwards glance.
***
As soon as the doors shut, her tears start. She hasn't cried in a long time, but today the tears won't stop.
Two years down the drain, she thinks. And some of that were the happiest times of my life. She never expected to find such happiness, and she's not sure she will again.
She engages the privacy lock and leans her head against the door he just exited. The tears still falling, all she can think about is him. She can still taste his lips on hers and still smell his scent lingering in the room. Now, neither of them is hers to keep. No more kisses. No more long nights and drawn out goodbyes. No more comfort or laughter or security. No more Tom Paris.
She doesn't know whether she's made the right choice in letting him go, all she knows is that the tight grip around her heart hasn't got any looser.
***
He can't seem to leave.
His forehead pressed against her door, he's surprised to find himself crying. A few crewmen pass, giving him weird looks, but he doesn't care.
He can't believe this is it. He doesn't want to let this go, let her go.
He can't believe he's giving up so easily.
His fists clench against the door, and he comes to a decision. Pressing the call button, he calls once, twice, three times. No answer.
He tells the computer to override her privacy lock.
The doors swing open and B'Elanna falls forward, and he catches her as easily as flying Voyager.
"Tom!" she cries out in surprise as she realises he hasn't left.
"B'Elanna!" he cries out as he realises she was leaning against the door, just as he was. "You weren't answering your door," he says, almost accusingly.
She shakes her head, but he doesn't probe why. "You didn't leave?"
"I couldn't," he replies. Their gazes lock, and he keeps a hold of her arms. Taking a deep breath he says, "B'Elanna, you're the most important thing that has ever happened to me, and I can't let you go. I love you, and refuse to believe that this is it. You've been a blessing to me in so many ways, and never, ever a curse."
He watches as a fresh set of tears starts in her eyes.
"I don't care about the fighting," he says, wiping away her tears. "It doesn't mean I love you less; it makes me love you more. I love that we have our differences, because it keeps us learning more about each other. At the very least, it keeps things interesting."
Her eyes begin to brighten. "But what about the rest?" she murmurs.
"Sometimes it's okay to have secrets, but we've got to get better at sharing. As for the hurting, I can't promise that I won't hurt you again, but I can promise that I won't stop trying to ensure that I don't."
She gives him a long look, before drawing him into a hug. "I love you," she says softly. "And the good times outweigh the bad times by a landslide. It's just sometimes, they seem to be the easiest to forget. You're the most amazing person I've ever met, Tom, and my life without you would be incomplete. I'm sorry I suggested it."
They break away from their hug and look at each other again.
"Don't be sorry, be happy," he whispers, breaking out in a smile and leaning down to kiss her.
"I promise," she whispers back against his lips.