A/N: This is something that I originally wrote for my Scorpius-Rose story, 'Tumultuous Proceedings'. However, it can't be included yet because I've only just started that story, and something like this would come towards the end. I was planning to leave this for the end of my story but I'm really impatient and just wanted to know what people would think of it. I might use it in my story later on, but I guess you'll have to read it to find out! (Do feel free to read it and review!) Anyway, I've talked enough now. Hope you enjoy this one-shot. And if you did, please review!
You'll never post this letter. You'll never send it to him. You'll never let him know how you feel, because you were meant to have stopped loving him a long time ago. You can't tell him you love him like everyone else can, because that would make things awkward. Not because you don't want to tell him, that's not what's awkward. You could quite happily apparate right over to his house now and tell him. You can't tell him, because he doesn't love you back. He never would have.
You're afraid, Rose. Afraid that after this year, you're going to leave school and never see him again. And that's something you can't bear the thought of. Not seeing his face, not knowing how he is. Never hearing his voice again. You're going to leave school and all you'll be left with is some old messages and a handful of memories that are beginning to fade away. A handful of memories that you're desperately trying to remember. Like how it felt when he first touched your hand. His smile. His hair. The way he make jokes about every little thing. The way he can't help but care for people.
He doesn't even talk to you now. He talks to everyone else. Just not you. And when he said to you the other day that he was sorry for ignoring you for so long, you felt your heart lift. You thought that things were going to be okay. You thought that the two of you would be friends again. But since then, he's ignored you more than ever. He doesn't send you letters. You don't have those secret late night conversations that start in the darkest hours of the night and end when the first birds begin to sing. He doesn't speak to you. He doesn't even say your name anymore, but late at night when you're alone with your thoughts, you can hear it. His voice. You remember he way he makes you feel when he says your name. It's unexplainable. Because you can't explain love. You can't define it.
The thing is, he loved her. Your best friend. He loved her. She was his first love. And you'll never be able to replace that. Just like you can't replace him.
It's three o'clock in the morning. And you can't help but remember every little word he's ever said to you. The good ones. The bad ones. He said that he'd never give you away. He joked about how you'd get married and how you'd fight everyday and then make up. You talked about your futures and about how he'd be there for you whenever you needed him. So where is he now? You need him. And he's out of sight.
You're out of his sight. You're out of his mind. Can he hear you? You call for him almost everyday. He just can't hear you. He could have, once upon a time. No, wait. He wouldn't have. Because he was so busy thinking of others, thinking of her, that he'd never think of you.
You never could've been together. It wasn't that there was anything against it. It was just that he didn't want to. You were stuck perpetually in the friend zone. That was it. You cared too much. You were too nice. Definitely not the type of person who he imagined as girlfriend material, no. You're just the friend who he'd text at 3am cause he was bored and no one else was awake. The one he'd go to if you needed help. He used you, Rose. He made you believe that there was a tiny, tiny possibility that he might like you, and then he decided to shoot it down. He left you a crumbling wreck. And the worst thing? You can't even show it. You can't show how much you're hurting. You can't even profess your love for him because it's just socially unacceptable. People wouldn't approve of it. Your own damn parents wouldn't approve of it! And neither would his.
But with her, oh yes, of course, its just perfect. And she gets what she wants. Always. All the time. And you're left thinking, 'well, when will it be my turn? When will I get what I want for once?'
For once in your life, you just want to be loved. You just want him to love you. Its cliché and you know that. But you just want to be loved. You want to be held. You want to be able to go to him when you need him.
The worst thing, the thing that kills you most of all, though, is that he doesn't even want to be friends. He doesn't even want to give you the time of day. He doesn't give a shit about you. You thought he did but he doesn't. And the absolute killer is that in spite of all that, in spite of the fact that he chose her over you, despite the fact that you've known him longer, despite all of that- all of it!- you still love him. You still love him.