A/N: This is a revised version of 'Ship's Night'. The plot of the story remains the same but hopefully with improvements on the writing style and grammar. Thank you for reading. –Albukirky-
Ship's Night
A soft hum penetrated the consciousness of Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. It was the now familiar sound of the powerful engines of the Starship Enterprise; a place he now called 'home'. It had been a long and eventful day and he had just finally been allowed to escape the helter-skelter of the bridge. He would have insisted on staying if the ship's Chief Medical Officer had not put his foot down and spouted regulations at him.
A Captain should always be infallible to his crew. And the current dark mood that the young Captain was carrying like a shroud was an image of anything but.
It was useless to argue against Bones anyway. The good doctor's specific orders had been to 'Get yourself some sleep Jim' but an hour had since passed and Kirk still had not managed to get a wink. How could he with all the adrenaline coursing through his veins…and it had been so for an accumulated amount of three and a half days now.
Spock, his Vulcan First Officer could probably point out the exact amount of days up to the last decimal place if he's allowed to but, yeah, it was just the little matter that Spock was now in Sickbay, for pulling a stunt so incredibly stupid that Kirk would personally kill him with his own hands if, no, when he recovered.
Doctor Leonard McCoy's prognosis of the injury and chance of survival was far from encouraging and Kirk himself had been the witness to the incident and the wretched weapon that had inflicted the damage. According to Bones, the fact that Spock was alive was nothing short of a miracle. Kirk was just grateful for this small mercy although…no…he would not allow himself to remember Bones' words after.
"He still might not make it Jim; I did all that I could. It's all up to him now."
And that was that. There was nothing more to be done except to wait. It was a torturous fate for a tactile person like James Kirk and time became to him like a slow poison cursed upon him, making the days long and wearisome. The Enterprise's current star-mapping assignment was too monotonous to help alleviate his preoccupation with Spock. The crew was as efficient as ever and even they seemed to be tip-toeing around him as if they were walking on an eggshell. He sighed. Within him guilt manifested, knowing that it should have been him either dead or dying there on the biobed instead of Spock.
Illogical and dark thoughts coursed through his weary mind. God, no, no, no…Spock was dying now because of him. Because he was not careful enough and had allowed himself to be distracted by a beautiful face like he was used to and it was Spock who had to pay the ultimate price.
"Please, no," a quite moan escaped his anguished lips and the silent walls were his only faithful listener.
It had happened quite suddenly; the assault that had put Spock – and himself – in this undesirable predicament. They were on a peaceful mission on a planet called Ondanstron where the Enterprise had been assigned to deliver a shipment of medical supplies to the newly minted Federation planet and all had gone incredibly well when suddenly a terrorist attack had occurred.
"Damn you, Kirk," he thought, wiping angrily at the corner of his eye as he recounted the events of three days ago:
As the representative of the United Federation of Planets, Kirk had beamed down on Orgos, the planet's capital with Spock and McCoy as a sign of the Federation's good will. The planet had had a turbulent and bloody past and was rumoured to have had previous dealings with the Klingons. If that report was true it was nevertheless a thing of the past as everything, from the welcoming committee to the banquet was arranged accordingly to their satisfaction.
At the end of a thoroughly satisfying day, as they were preparing to beam back up to the Enterprise as had been scheduled; Governor Stalos had invited them to spend the night on the planet to celebrate a festival. Kirk and the rest had seen the preparation made for it and as the Captain he decided to accept the warm invitation as a show of respect. After all, the signs they had seen so far all pointed to the festival as an interesting and harmless fun, not to mention a great opportunity to learn more of Ondanstron's culture.
The Enterprise's next mission was not to begin in a week or so anyway. Spock however, was insistent on heading back to the ship. And, Kirk was cursing himself for missing the sign; his First Officer was unusually agitated which was a behaviour not normally associated with Spock.
Instead, both Bones and he had chided Spock for his lack of good manners in the face of polite and civilized invitation. ''Wouldn't it be illogical to decline an offer of goodwill Spock?'' McCoy had remarked. But Kirk perhaps, had delivered the blow: ''Will it kill you to have fun at least once in your life, Mr. Spock?'' How he cursed himself for those thoughtless words. And Spock was nothing if not loyal…to Starfleet…to his Captain, and he agreed although Kirk could sense his First Officer's reluctance. Kirk had chosen to ignore the matter. It would prove to be a mistake he would come to regret.
At the time however, it seemed prudent not to accept the invitation. After all, the governor's daughter herself was to be his personal guide and his keen observation had appraised that Shella Stalos was no slouch in the beauty department. And that had blinded him to his duty. She was stunning and intelligent and he was enthralled by her. After all, it had been a long while since Kirk had the company of a woman (outside of duty) and he appreciated the opportunity.
Both McCoy and Spock, the latter rather begrudgingly, also were assigned guides as they made their way through the crowd of revellers. The festival was spectacular, firework displays and all the entertainment that came with it; reminded Kirk very much of similar displays he had seen on Earth. Such reminder was very much welcomed even to the most seasoned space traveller and Kirk had an engaging companion by his side. It was a telling thing though, that for the most of the night Shella had had to share much of Kirk's attention with Spock. She had the gall to point it out to him about it too.
Because the truth of the matter was that Kirk had been unable to take his eyes off his First Officer. Had been unable to for quite some time ever since the five-year exploration mission aboard the Enterprise commenced. Kirk was not sure what had brought about his interests in the strange and he quote 'fascinating' Vulcan but he could not deny the attraction once he realised it. He kept his feelings to himself, unsure of what it forebear and fear of ridiculed was ever deep and overwhelming.
No one should ever find out. Least of all Spock. Fighting the demon was a futility in attempt. He tried his darndest to stop the ridiculous attraction that had made him giddy like a schoolboy whenever Spock was near to no avail; it only added to his increasing count of bed warmers and the not entirely undeserved 'playboy' reputation that came with it. But what he could not bear was the even deeper loneliness that he felt after the women had left and all pretence stripped away. Even so, he kept his desire tightly reined.
But sometimes, yes sometimes, he could have sworn he caught unnameable feelings and emotions; two words significantly foreign to Spock, in the deep dark brown eyes. Kirk was confused and he longed to learn more. Nevertheless there were always gaps and barriers that existed to prevent him from getting too close to Spock. Duty and pride, the price he had to pay as a Captain of a Starship. So he kept his distance. And denied himself a chance for happiness.
He felt sure that Spock would appreciate it. He never bothered to ask.
When the attack happened, Kirk could never specifically point out when; all hell had broken loose. Apparently, Klingon spies had been infiltrating the planet for several months now, even before the planet had signed the treaty with the Federation. As it turned out, there were a minority group of the planet citizens who had disagreed with the treaty and so rebelled against their government and employed the aid of the Klingons. It was fortunately not a well-planned attack, although the effect was devastating enough.
The visit of the most famous Federation Starship had been the perfect foil for the setting of the attack. Spock, the potent researcher that he was, had heard rumours regarding this matter mere minutes before their beaming scheduled. Unfortunately, Kirk and crew learned about all this fact later, after the damaged was done. All Kirk could ever recalled about the attack was the noise and panicked chaos all around him when the first and then the subsequent firings had commenced.
Somehow, in the midst of the madness, an aim was taken to take the life of the Captain of the Enterprise. A figure clad in Starfleet command gold was hard to miss even in the sea of people. Kirk was just pushing Shella over towards the safety of a government building when the enemy opened fire all around him. He swore later that he could not remember what had exactly transpired except for the one single instant that would forever be engraved in his memory; for better or worse. No sooner had Shella been seen to her safety that Kirk heard the warning:
''Captain - Jim!'' was all that he heard because the next thing he saw was a blurred blue-clad form of his First Officer bodily throwing him aside and before he could react, he heard the ominous sound of laser shot. Streaks of green flew across his vision in that instant and he with a sickening realisation knew what it was; Spock's blood. Things might have been moving in slow motion then like the old movies Kirk used to watch when he was little, and that was how it felt like to him as he pushed aside the crowd making his way to Spock.
No.
The Vulcan was lying on his side apparently unconscious and Bones was already kneeling beside him scanner at the ready. Kirk need not asked because he already knew the answer. Spock had taken the shot that was aimed for him. And Kirk swore it was his carelessness that had caused this. He was too occupied with Shella and failed to properly observe his surroundings. Spock's life was hanging by a thread now because of him. Kirk was silent as they beamed aboard the safety of the ship.
He remembered telling, no, begging Bones to save Spock, even remembered the Doctor's expression at the request but he was not allowed to ponder it much as duty beckoned him on. They had a planet to protect after all, and despite all his internal struggles, still he was Captain of the Federation flagship and duty was always foremost where his dedication should lie. And perhaps mercifully, duty allowed him a temporary respite from dwelling unhealthily on Spock's condition.
In the end, the Enterprise had managed to curb the Klingon threats from Ondanstron and all was well, as well as it could be after a near disastrous terrorist attack. The altercation had left many of the civilians dead and even more wounded. Fortunately, the Enterprise and her crew were spared the damage as the Klingons did not initiate a space attack. The only casualty aboard the Enterprise was a severely wounded First Officer.
''It was not your fault," Bones had told him after they had all beamed safely back onto the Enterprise. Kirk understood the Doctor's words to be true; yet he still felt utterly responsible. To actually been the person to had caused harm to come to Spock, no matter what the reason; he could never forgive himself should he lost the Vulcan. More than that, there were those other things even more personal secrets that Kirk had wished to have shared with his First Officer. Intimate things and unnameable feelings; one Kirk had not thought he was able to feel for anyone else.
Kirk sighed again. Sleep was eluding him very skilfully today. Getting up from his bed, he retrieved his shirt and deftly put it on. Without a clear purpose of where he was heading, Kirk exited his quarters which was about the only place in this whole ship that he could allow the veneer of duty as a Captain to let slip but a little. So he was glad that the ship's night provided him a sense of solitude, for the corridors were mostly empty at this time of the day. Initially, he had half a mind to visit the ship's library; it had been a while since his last entry. He changed his mind however, the very moment his steps took him to the front of the library.
He made a decision suddenly, as he realised that he should have made a long time ago; but for the pride he carried. It was now or never and Kirk did not want to add another 'what ifs' to his repertoire. Mind made up now, he stealthily braved his feet to the part of the ship he visited seldom. The journey did not take long and he arrived promptly to his destination.
With the exception of Spock and the night nurse who promptly allowed the Captain his privacy, the Sickbay was otherwise unoccupied. According to the nurse, McCoy had retired for the night about an hour earlier and Kirk was grateful for this. The last thing he needed was for Bones to worry about him even more than he already did. Bones overreacted occasionally and no matter how much Kirk loved him, the smothering could get a little out of control.
As he stood by Spock's bed, the Captain took the time to study the Vulcan's calm, pale visage. As if by its own accord, his fingers began tracing the contours of the chiselled visage tenderly, almost reverently. Spock's skin was softer than he thought it would be and in his unconscious state, Kirk wistfully thought that the Vulcan seemed fragile and child-like, so unlike his formidable First Officer whom he felt that he had always known and had come to respect above all others. And so he was, Kirk thought sadly, that he might lose Spock after all if the Vulcan failed to recover.
Emboldened by his first touch, Kirk slowly reached for the Vulcan's hands and found it beneath the covers. Even as he covered the long fingers with his own, it struck him by how right his hand seemed to fit Spock's. He gripped their joined hands tightly as if he was loath to let it go, lest Spock would be gone from his life forever. And suddenly he felt a hot prickling at the corner of his eyes and he blinked to clear his vision. He had never – ever - lost control like this; not even when Sam left, not even when Mom did not care. Yet now…why?
And when understanding hit him, he was almost speechless; ''My God,'' Kirk whispered aloud. "Spock," as if the Vulcan could hear him.
His gripped on the Vulcan's hand tightened. ''I'm so sorry Spock. So very sorry this happened. I should have listened to you. I'm sorry."
Kirk watched the peaceful face, strange and alien, yet so remarkably beautiful and familiar and he felt his heart clenched in longing and desire.
There was nothing else for it anyway. No place left to hide and no reason to ignore his feelings anymore. He had done so for far too long and such foolishness might have lost him his…Spock.
Yes. He loved Spock. Had been in love with him for such a long time and that his efforts of numbing it and denying the fact had been futile. Yet he had hidden himself well, because he feared…rejection. It was a foolish mistake, he knew now. He learned right then that pride was a heavy price to pay. But no more; he nearly - might still -lose Spock, and he did not want to live in regret any longer.
"Never lose you, Spock. Never."
He hung his head after that, heart heavy. What was the point of a confession when the person you're confessing to was not even aware of it?
A rustling, almost unnoticeable, informed Kirk that he was no longer alone. He stiffened and slowly looked up to the source of the sound. But he did not let go of Spock's hand. It was too late for that.
"How long have you been listening in Bones?" it wasn't really a question.
The answer was succinct and precise. "Enough."
McCoy's face was uncharacteristically unreadable, but Kirk noticed with restrained surprise that his friend did not look at all shocked. "Spock would be so proud," Kirk pondered darkly. The two men were silent for a heartbeat…and two. Kirk heard McCoy heaved a sigh.
"I'm glad that you figured it out for yourself, Jim," a statement from McCoy that Kirk did not need an elaboration to understand. Bones had always known him even better than he knew himself.
Kirk asked anyway. "You knew then?" he was too on edge to register the teasing lilt in Bones's voice.
The Doctor's face broke into a smile. "Only for the longest time. I swear that I almost lost my patience at how dense the both of you are."
Kirk brows furrowed. Truly he had not factor McCoy's reaction to this incredible revelation but he had never quite reckoned himself to be able to master his friend's whims. He had finally released Spock's hand to focus on McCoy. "What do you mean? Spock didn't…" he couldn't quite finish his sentence.
"Spock – tell me? Hell no. Figured it out myself." And McCoy, the bastard, actually laughed to his face.
Kirk just stood there as if stupefied. "You figured it out?"
McCoy grinned smugly. "I'm your friend and your doctor Jim; I know you too well. And well, I'm not blinded by denials. Or stupidity for that matter."
The Doctor sobered as he took on the Captain's stricken face. He'd love nothing better than to chide Kirk like there was no tomorrow but, well, he deduced that indeed had a lot of tomorrows to harangued Kirk with and he had some mercy within him after all and so gave in.
"Don't look so worried. It took a lot out of me, but I cannot let him die, can I? Good, God man, I swear that would kill you too."
Kirk stood up, relief, embarrassment and absolute joy dawning upon him all at once that he could have burst. "He's going to be OK?" he grabbed his friend's shoulders as if they were an anchor to this newfound reality.
McCoy's eyes twinkled in amusement. "Spock's going to be fine Jim. He's just recovering. I'll release him to you as soon as possible."
A grin had spread across Kirk's face in response. The Captain's relief was palpable.
"Thanks Bones. I owe you one."
"You owe me nothing but a good night's sleep Captain."
Kirk's grin did not falter. "Whatever you say Bones. I'll see you tomorrow?"
McCoy nodded once and with a 'good night' Kirk was out of the door and out of sight.
The Doctor waited for a few more minutes before turning his attention to the status display above the bed and then at the prone Vulcan on the bed.
"Get up Spock; I know that you're awake."
Spock's eyes snapped open. He looked at McCoy silently but offered no answer. His face, however, was answer enough for the Doctor. Despite the Vulcan stoic calmness displayed there, McCoy's astute observation detected something else: peace and happiness. Even without moving a muscle, Spock just seemed to radiate contentment.
"Well, you've heard the confession Mr. Spock and I am here to discharge you. Why don't you go return the favour huh?"
Spock's eyebrow made its customary journey to his bangs at the Doctor's remark. He repaid McCoy with two words the Doctor had never expected to hear from Spock: "Thank you." With a final glance towards McCoy, he wordlessly made his exit from Sickbay.
McCoy was left alone in Sickbay with a satisfied smirk across his face.
The End