The Under Butler Strikes Back
Summary: The Jedi Knights had been all but wiped out. Those few who remained found hiding places in the crooks and crannies of society. In one such place, a warrior waited, ready to defend the universe against the forces of darkness. ("Downton Wars" crack fic)
Disclaimer: I don't own Downton Abbey or Star Wars.
A/N: Needless to say, this is a parody and attempt at humor based on Robert James-Collier's brilliant video intended to raise money for his marathon run benefiting MS research. Check it out if you haven't seen it. Never posted an honest-to-God crack fic before, so here goes.
The Jedi Knights had been all but wiped out. Those few who remained found hiding places, either desolate worlds where no one would look for them or crooks and crannies in society. Some hid so well and for so long that they were never found.
Bates was a relic of the past, a follower of what some might call a crazy old religion, but he did not need to call on his special abilities, not until he came to Downton.
"I sense a disturbance in the Force, Anna," Bates told his wife. He had been feeling the quivering change in the energy around him all morning. It had been a long time since he'd experienced that particular sensation, and while it did have something of a similarity to indigestion, Bates recognized the difference.
Anna was a very fine woman and had always supported him, but she did not quite believe in the mysterious, invisible energy which bound the universe together. Thankfully, if she thought her husband mad for expounding on the subject, she kept it to herself. Mostly.
"That's nice, dear," Anna said with a sigh and a forced smile full of weary patience.
Bates frowned at her dismissive attitude, but he let it pass without comment. Anna had never seen what could be accomplished by using the force, had never felt the power of it coursing through her. How could she know, being a muggle as she was?
"What's a muggle?" Anna asked.
"Never mind," Bates told her. "Wrong parody. What was I saying?"
Clearly resisting the urge to roll her eyes, Anna responded, "You were telling me about a dark entity that you sensed close by."
"Ah, yes. I do feel it. And it is getting closer."
And as though a curtain had been pulled back to reveal the plain, ordinary man behind the great and powerful Oz, Thomas Barrow stepped into the servants' hall. He stood straight and tall, although his slender figure was dwarfed by Bates' more ample size. And he did not have a cape to make him look cool.
"Mister Bates," the under butler bit off in clipped syllables.
"Thomas."
"That's Mister Barrow to you."
Taking a step back as he flung an arm in front of Anna to protect her, Bates demanded, "Don't you mean... Darth Barrow?"
From his cape he pulled his old, antiquated lightsaber. He had not needed it for many years, but he always kept it on him, just in case. Sometimes it helped with cutting thread when he could not locate scissors. Or making toast.
Anna gasped as Thomas removed his own lightsaber. Both instruments hummed to life as the energy fields lit up the room with two colors: Bates' healing and gentle blue against Thomas' evil, blood red.
"Get back," Bates told his wife, moving to stand in front of her. "This vile man is a dark agent, likely sent here by some shadowy and mysterious figure."
"Tell me something I don't know," Anna muttered, but dutifully stepped away from the two men wielding glowing sticks which crackled with energy.
"Do all Jedi sound as pompous and full of themselves as you do?" Thomas asked. He straightened himself into a fencer's pose, ready for battle.
"It is a skill I learned while you were still in diapers."
Narrowing his eyes at his foe, Thomas stepped forward and lashed out with his red blade. It made a great crash as it came into contact with the energy field of Bates' lightsaber, and the two stumbled back from each other at the impact. "These things are strong," the under butler said in awe, glancing down at his weapon.
Bates took the opportunity to lunge at his foe, although his bad leg chose that moment of all the years he'd been walking around Downton with a cane to play up on him. He groaned in pain and reached down with his free hand to clasp his knee, as though doing so might alleviate the sudden agony.
Thomas recovered faster and moved forward, his hand swiping the lightsaber out of Bates' hand. The weapon sliced one of the chairs on the far side of the table in half before shutting off and coming to rest on the stone floor.
"I have you now!" Thomas said, moving forward to stand over his enemy, who had collapsed into one of the chairs at the table.
Behind him, Bates heard Anna scream in terror, as though she finally realized that the situation was actually serious.
"You won't get away with this, Darth Barrow. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
Pausing for a lengthy moment, Thomas narrowed his eyes and asked in complete seriousness, "What does that even mean? If I kill you, you're dead. You lose your power and you just... lose."
"I don't know," Bates said with a shrug. "Just go with it."
Thomas likewise shrugged his shoulders and took a step forward to cut his enemy in half, but at the last second, the blue energy beam of a lightsaber appeared in mid-air to deflect his blade. Both men looked to see who held the weapon.
The wrinkled old hand was so small that it barely made it around the hilt of the lightsaber, and one look at the wielder's face made Thomas laugh with derision. "What do you think you're doing, old woman?"
The Dowager Countess arched an aged eyebrow and stared at the under butler for a moment before responding, "I'm here to stop you. Why? Did you ever believe there would be a different outcome?"
With lightening speed and strength that Bates would not have suspected of the old woman, Violet Crawley parried away Thomas' blade and then followed up with her advantage. She thrust and swung at him like a woman her granddaughters' age, never once tripping over one of her well tailored skirts or mussing her elaborately styled hair. Even her tiara remained immaculately in place.
Bates glanced behind him to make sure that Anna was safely out of the way. He felt content when he noticed her sitting on the far side of the table beside Mrs. Hughes, both women's attention glued to the action as they passed a bucket of popcorn between them.
Quickly looking back, Bates noticed that Thomas had managed to gain an advantage on the Dowager. Her lightsaber arm was spread wide and he had it pinned with his own as he reached forward with one hand to force choke her. Bates stood up from the table to assist her, but just as quickly, she waved away Thomas' hand like it was an annoying fly.
The under butler took a step back as she used the force to propel him, and in that moment, the man must have realized that he was no match in power for the old lady. He attempted to compensate by swinging his lightsaber at her, fast and furious, but she dodged and blocked the blows with her own blade with ease.
By this time, Bates had regained himself and called to his own lightsaber from across the room. It flew across the room into his hand, and suddenly his own blue blade of light entered the fray as he stepped forward to stand beside the Dowager Countess.
"It certainly took you long enough," she said with obvious irritation.
"My apologies, your Ladyship."
Thomas squared off against them both, looking from one to the other. Finally, he narrowed his eyes at Bates. "So this is your master, Bates? I should have known."
"At least he serves with honor and dignity," the woman said without preamble, "like a true Jedi knight."
"What use do I have for the Jedi?" Thomas sneered. "You are no match for the power of the Dark Side."
But before the two who outnumbered him could corner him, the under butler backed around the servants' hall table towards the women who had been watching the fight - Anna and Mrs Hughes. They likewise stood to flee, but he got to them too soon. In a flash, he had his arm around the housekeeper, holding her as a hostage against the advancing Jedi.
"Mister Barrow, just what do you think you're doing?" she protested, just as Anna let out a scolding, "Thomas!"
But every person in the room was suddenly distracted as Mr. Carson entered the servants' hall. All eyes turned to him as he walked in and looked around. Three lightsabers simultaneously disengaged as all but the Dowager stood to attention. The butler gave no notice that anything was amiss, but at the sight of Lord Grantham's mother, he paused.
"Your Ladyship, may I be of assistance?" he asked thoughtfully.
"Oh, yes," she said, smiling and assuming the roll of a frail old creature as she begged, "could you arrange for some tea to be brought up to the drawing room? Thank you, Carson."
"Of course, your Ladyship."
With a bow, he was gone. A half a second later, she and Bates resumed their stance with lightsabers drawn, and Thomas with his poised threateningly over Mrs. Hughes.
But before anyone could say more, Carson entered the room again. Once more, everyone hid their otherworldly weapons and turned to face him. "Mister Barrow?" the butler said, addressing Thomas. "You're needed in the drawing room to serve tea."
"Can't Molesley do it?" Thomas asked, attempting to keep the annoyance out of his voice. "I'm sort of in the middle of something..."
With sharp eyes taking in the way the under butler had his arm around Mrs. Hughes, Carson stated blandly, "No, I want you to do it. At once."
They all watched as Thomas let go of the housekeeper and with an expression of irritated fury, marched around the table and followed the butler out of the hall. As soon as he left, the tension dissipated. Mrs. Hughes gave a sigh of relief and muttered, "Never a dull moment."
With the danger gone, Anna circled the room and flung herself into her husband's arms. "I was so frightened," she told him.
"There, there, Anna," he told her gently, "He's gone now. But do you finally believe me?"
She nodded dutifully. "Of course I believe you. But why did you never realize that Thomas was evil before?"
Rolling his eyes, Bates said, "I did know. I've been saying it for years, but no one listens to me."
"But he will be back," the Dowager said, her voice low and imposing, as though it should have an accompanying soundtrack to give it more importance. "He or his master."
"But who does he serve?" Bates asked.
"A dark and shadowy figure, one I have not seen in a very long time." The old woman paused, and then looked closely at Bates. "Are you wearing a cape?" she asked.
Uncomfortably, he answered, "Yes."
"Dare I ask why?"
"It's cool."
Raising an eyebrow, the Dowager said the final words on the subject: "No Capes!" And she left the room to take tea up in the drawing room.
Upstairs in the entryway to the house, Thomas stepped out of the shadows and picked up the telephone which sat on the table there. But before picking up the earpiece, he attached something to the top, a bit of technology he only used on certain occasions. Then, as he asked to be connected to the number he needed, an image was displayed in mid-air above the phone.
"They know who I am," he told the shadowy, hooded figure without preamble. "And they've taken steps to drive me out."
"You know what you have to do," the voice told him - a female voice, sharp and haughty. While he could not see her face, Thomas saw a hand come into view and between two fingers was a cigarette, a brand he recognized. With a smile, he gave away his recognition of the figure.
"So it is you," he said with obvious delight.
The woman pulled back the hood which hid her face, and the sharp-featured face of Sarah O'Brien appeared. She chuckled, took a drag off her cigarette, and then blew smoke towards the image operator. And Thomas in turn laughed with her.
The End