You've Got a Friend in me
Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo
Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto (I've just discovered he has the same birthday as me…8th November)
"Like hell you would."
"What do you mean by that exactly?"
"Well you're the scientist…figure it out. HA!" a loud bark of laughter reverberated around the Captain's meeting hall of the Seireitei.
"I may be a scientist but your brain is so underdeveloped. I fear that trying to sink to its level, in order to decipher the meaning of your statement, will permanently damaged my IQ." came the scathing response.
The eleven captains in the room, who weren't in the middle of a shouting match, were all huddled together. Glancing over at the arguing pair every now and again to check that they hadn't mutilated each other, but were mostly having a discussion of their own.
Captain Kuchiki was making a report to his fellows. "…don't think that that family will be nobility for long, they'll go the same way as the Shiba's …"
Captain Kyoraku yawned and glanced, once again, at the two squabbling Captains – Zaraki had given up on trying to understand what Kurotsuchi was talking about and so was doing what he always did when confused, he challenged the man who had confused him to a fight to the death. Of course the terrifying Captain of Squad Twelve was scoffing at this ludicrous suggestion, trying to appear unafraid and not intimidated, while quickly thinking of a way out of his current predicament. He was not an idiot and he knew that a duel with the large man would result in himself being impaled on said man's sword, quicker than you could say 'wait, I need to blow up my lab first so no one can steal my research'.
Kyoraku chuckled. 'And all this just because of one little comment.'
It is true, the disagreement had begun at the very beginning of the Captain's meeting. As the Soul Reapers had been the victors in the Winter War and Aizen was safely under lock and key, the issue of what to do with the remaining Espada had arisen. After many suggestions had been made, 'Let me experiment on them, I've been meaning to try out a new family of drugs I made' (Kurotsuchi), 'Why don't we just let them go back to Hueco Mundo and live in peace' (Ukitake and Unohana) and 'They are too much of a threat…I say we execute them all and when their Souls are reborn, execute them again' (Soi-Fon), had been but a few opinions. It was decided, in the end, that the Soul Society would adhere to the saying 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' and so that morning, they had been debating which Espada to assign to each Division and, as there were only ten Espada, which three lucky Captains would remain unburdened.
Of course Mayuri Kurotsuchi had objected to his Squad having an Espada on the grounds that, "We control the whole of Seireitei from within the Department of Research and Development, it would be a security risk if the enemy were allowed access". While this was a valid point, most Captains knew that there was no security risk, as Kurotsuchi was the most paranoid man to have ever existed and would have encryptions on his encryptions. In all likelihood, not even his own third seat, Akon, could access anything to do with even the lighting in Squad Three's Barracks. His peers knew that Kurotsuchi just didn't want to waste any time memorising a new face when he could be doing inhumane experiments. Therefor Zaraki, as the most outspoken of the thirteen Captains had raised an objection. One thing led to another and it ended in an argument and a zanpakuto being drawn, by Zaraki.
"You just don't wanna have to take care of a powerful warrior, you're scared!" taunted the Eleventh's Captain, jabbing at the scientist accusingly with his sword.
"Scared? I have never hared anything so ridiculous in my life!"
"Oh is that so? I say you're a fraidy cat. Fraidy cat, fraidy cat, Mayuri's a fraidy cat." Zaraki sang childishly.
"I think you're spending too much time with that brat, your behaving so…"
"'Oh please don't hurt me Mr Espada,'" continued Zaraki, in a high pitched voice, crouching down and looking upwards in mock fright. "'I'm just a lowly scientist, please let me go!'"
"That's absurd!"
"YOU'RE ABSURD!"
Thinking it was about time he intervened, Captain Kyoraku hastily ran into the middle of the couple. "Ladies, ladies, please. Let's not get physical here. I think you guys have taken this too far, now shake hands and become friends."
"The hell? Who do ya think you're talking to, an eight year old?" growled Zaraki menacingly.
"I don't know Mr 'please don't hurt me, I'm only a scientist'. If you're going to act like a child, I'm gonna treat you like one."
"Pfft, like I care…anyway, I'm not gonna 'make friends' with that freak," Zaraki said, pointing at the man opposite him. "Even if I wanted to, which I don't, I couldn't. He's too weird, I bet he hasn't had a friend in his life!"
"Of course I haven't," came the scathing reply. "Why on Earth would I want to waste my time with such a menial pursuit?"
The rest of the Captains, who had regained interest once Kyoraku had joined the fray, all stared at Kurotsuchi in shock, of course nobody had thought of the man having friends but surly he must have had one, at some point in his life. One little oddball with the same freakish way of thinking as Kurotsuchi…after all, as an emotional being, he had to have had at least one person to bond with. He had to…hadn't he?
"You're telling me," clarified Captain Zaraki. "That you haven't had one friend…not ever?"
"Not one." declared the Scientist through gritted teeth. "I do not see the point in such a pursuit, a 'friend' is necessary so that someone may feel important, by having another person next to them who takes an interest in the same things as they do. As they reveal facts about themselves and test the other persons loyalty to them, they feel that they hold some sway over the way that 'friend' thinks and feels, I gives them a sense of power and importance…that is the purpose of a 'friendship', to boost one's ego. I however, already know that I am important, and I hold power over hundreds of lives, therefor the need for a 'friend' has never arisen. Now, if you'll be so kind, I have some important bacterium testing to do!" with that he stormed out of the room, angry at having to waste his time explaining a simple concept of sociology to a bunch of gapping morons.
Meanwhile, back in the meeting hall, the rest of the Captains were still processing what the scientist had told them.
"He is one fucked up dude!" summarised Zaraki, and for once everyone silently agreed with him, even Byakuya.
"The poor man has never had a friend," the ever empathetic Ukitake said sadly, shaking his head. "No wonder he's so deranged."
"I don't think having a friend would change him that much Ukitake-taicho." smirked Soi-Fon.
"Really, I think a friend would be good for him…well it couldn't hurt him could it, I mean he couldn't become more inhuman could he?" said Unohana, wisely.
"Then it is decided," announced Yamamoto Sou-Taicho, who had woken up only moments ago, just in time to hear what the youngsters were babbling about. "We will send all Lieutenants to the world of the living, to find Captain Kurotsuchi a friend!" he banged his staff, signalling the end of the meeting.
Everyone looked at each other in confusion. Where had that come from?
"Oh well," sighed Captain Hitsugaya. "At least it will be an interesting few weeks."
The idea came from watching an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory' where Sheldon makes a flow chart on how to make friends. I thought it was very Myuri-like of him.