Eridan sat with his knees curled close to his chest, tucked just out of sight from the others. His elbow was rested precariously on his knees with his face buried in the palm of his hand. He winced and let out an exasperated moan like someone waking up from a bad hangover.
Roxy rounded the corner. Still on the whim of a conversation she trailed off the last her sentence, something about finding where Jake had run off to. She then noticed the troll huddled against the wall at her feet. She pursed her lips and cocked her head, examining him before speaking. "Heyyy there buddy, why ya look so blue? Shouldn't you be out there celebrating with your friends?"
Without looking at her he gave a heavy sigh before speaking "Yeah well you'd think so, but god, it's just a really fucking convoluted situation. It's not like I can even expect anyone to understand, nobody in paradox space fucked up worse than I did. I'm sure that Jane girl had great intentions with bringing some of us back to life and all, but the rest of them will agree with me when I say maybe I would have been better off left dead."
"Oh no no, shh shhhhh, don't say that." Roxy sat down next to him "I think we've all been under a lot of pressure since we started playing this game, shit's crazy, I mean for christ's sake have you ever really stopped and thought about everything we've had to do? It's enough to drive anyone crazy. I'd actually be concerned for anyone who wasn't feeling at least a little whacked out by all of this. It's some pretty heavy stuff bud. It's pretty normal to do and say things you don't really mean when you're going through a lot, and I think we've all said and done some pretty regrettable things since we started playing." She said while crossing her legs.
Eridan scoffed to himself while he thought. "I was a dumb twit of a kid before I even started playing this game. I can't say I couldn't control myself because it's not like I ever even tried to. I thought I knew what I was doing and I could justify everything I did, but it's like I couldn't even see how narrow I was being. I guess being dead helped me realize a few things, but what really did it was being fused with someone who actually knew what it felt like to be loved back, and I realized how little I actually understood. I didn't even realize how entitled I felt to everyone, and how much better love feels when you know you're not entitled to have them love you back, because it's just so much better to know they love you of their own accord, because they can and they actually want you." His voice trailed off and his brows furrowed. Roxy reassuringly put a hand on his shoulder before she spoke.
"Hey now, if anyone knows anything about loving someone who doesn't feel the same way, it's me. The first time you fall in love regardless of whatever's going on it's always going to be confusing and a little scary, but for us it was harder and way more confusing when they didn't even feel the same way. The worst part about unrequited love is that it has this weird way of being way harder to get rid of than regular love. At least with requited love you usually get the closure when the relationship ends and you start to go your separate ways, but hell, with unrequited love there was nothin' there in the first place, so closure kind of never can happen, so sometimes that big push to move on like a break up or something never comes." Roxy said, her tone steady and empathetic.
"You know, maybe that was part of it. I was actually really scared I might not ever move on, I mean she'd been my best friend for as long as I could remember. I never felt that way about anyone and I was scared I'd never find anyone who just seemed to fit the bill so well. It just seemed to make so much bloody sense, her and I, but maybe sometimes something can be meant to be but still not happen anyway?" He said with a questioning look and a shrug.
"I feel ya kid. But the thing is, I think even if you're a troll or the last woman on earth you still get these ideas in your head from books and movies that if you're best friends from when you're young or you're the last man and woman on earth or this or that then you're meant to be and you'll live happily ever after, but I think we both know now that's not how it works in real life, it's a lot more complicated than that. Of course it already hurts when you care about someone a lot and love them in every sense of the word to find out that it's just not gonna happen." She paused for a moment and thought, her eyes gazing upward. "But man it just makes everything so much harder when you have these delusions built up in your head that is has to happen because books and movies have been telling you your whole life that you have to end up with them. But I don't think that's any reason to get cynical, obviously people still have long happy healthy relationships all the time in real life. I think when you find the right person, it's always when you least expect it." She said, giving another reassuring smile.
He began to speak, hesitated, and then spoke again "Well there's still no way I can go out there. I can't imagine they'll be over all the shit I pulled any time soon." His eyes drifted back to the ground and the corner of his mouth turned in a half sneer.
"Maybe it's not as bad as you think." Roxy responded.
"I don't think you really understand. I killed the girl I was in love with, then damned the entire fate of my species." He said with a hiss, not daring to make eye contact with her now.
"Oh." Roxy stared at him, and they both sat in silence for several moments. "Wait, you're the fucker who killed Feferi I heard all about?! I think I understand now." She shifted her posture as if she was about to stand up. Eridan took note and felt a tinge of panic.
"Please, wait . . " Eridan remembered the last time he was pleading with someone not to go, and stopped himself, he didn't want to relive that.
More silence. In spite of herself she stayed sitting where she was. She wanted to ask him why he did it, but she knew there could never be a valid answer. Eventually she found words to say. "You know, she talked about you a lot."
"Oh I'm sure she did, and I'm sure I deserve every damn word of what she had to say." He said flippantly.
"Actually it wasn't like that. You'd be surprised how much good she still had to say about you, and when she had something bad to say, it usually tied back to that she still worries about you. She said she forgives you, and still cares about you a lot as a friend. I guess if she can forgive you, I can." She said pensively. Eridan looked almost startled by what she'd said.
"Really? Well, color me surprised . . " He said in a hushed tone. Roxy's eyes were beginning to better adjust to the dark of the room, enabling her to make out more details of Eridan.
"You're alright, kid. You might have a ways to go, but it's good that you're at least trying to learn from your mistakes. Keep at it. But don't think you're gonna get off easy, I got my eye on you." She said in a teasing tone while giving him a playful jab to the arm. For the first time in a long time his lips curled into a slight simpering smile. "Hey, let's stop talking about all this depressing nonsense." She continued. "Did I mention I'm really digging your scarf? Man, your whole get up is pretty great, makes me think of a wizard."
"You like wizards?" He turned to look at her, a bit of excitement creeping into his face.
"Shit, I love wizards! Ever heard of Complacency of the Learned? Probably not 'cuz you're a troll but they were pretty popular on earth. My mom wrote them, actually." She said, turning to face him more.
"I can't say I've read as much wizard literature as I'd like to have. I did, however, have a whole heaping collection of wizard wands as a kid back on Alternia, but even then I thought it was pretty lame." He said in a jocular way.
"Lame? Are you kidding me? That's the coolest thing I've ever heard!" She said.
"You think so? Well, as cool as wizards are, I've always been more of a man of science." He said waggishly. In the background the quiet murmurs of conversation with an occasional outburst of laughter could be heard. The dim light from the other room peaked cautiously around the corner.
"Dude! The only thing that comes close to being as cool as wizards is science. Let me tell you I even grew up by a lab and the whole shebang." She said, her enthusiasm visibly building.
"Isn't that pretty uncommon for humans?" He inquired.
"There were a lot of circumstances surrounding how I grew up that were pretty uncommon. Actually, I grew up more like you, raised by a third party species, my mom was some figure of legend who'd been dead years before I was born." Said Roxy, taking on a more subdued manner as she spoke.
"For all I can tell you yourself seem pretty uncommon." He said shyly.
Roxy chuckled. "Is that so?"
"Yeah, well, for starters you're the first one who's bothered to listen to me in sweeps." He said.
"You know, I've always thought that everyone deserves to be listened to. You seriously goofed up, but why would you be any exception?" She said with a shrug.
"Thank you." He said monotone and blankly. They sat in silence for several moments once more, before Roxy's hand quietly fumbled in the darkness, finding his. Her fingers laced between his, and she gently grasped him.