Someone is Wrong on the Internet

Zhang He learns the downsides of vanity searching when he discovers the bottom of the yaoi barrel. Join the men of Wei for some good-natured fun at the expense of fan service. Sour lemons ahoy! Rated for heavy innuendo and purple parody prose.

After the Han alliance triumphed over the Yellow Turbans, each warlord received a mystical artifact from Zhang Jiao's treasury as a reward for their service. Sun Jian chose a staff that could tame the fiercest of tigers. Liu Bei took a chalice of eternal brotherhood. Cao Cao selected a nondescript metal box. According to the poem painted onto its surface, this "computer" held the keys to ultimate power. Yet it was a double-edged sword, also capable of dealing the most catastrophic defeat. Safe behind a locked door, the computer was used only for rare and prudent glimpses into the wonders within. Until one day, when an awful shriek emanated from the chamber in which the device was kept.

"Keep it down!" Xiahou Yuan hissed. "I only let you in here because you promised to be careful!"

"But I was careful," wailed Zhang He. "I merely searched for my own name. How could I have expected to find all of this?"

The innocuous query had turned up page after page of artwork and writing. It could not possibly depict a different master of the dance and connoisseur of beauty - after all, there could be only one. Some of the works suited Zhang He well, displaying him with proper poise. Others placed the general in compromising positions with his fellow commanders. Zhang He had expected praises to be sung of his elegance. He had not expected said praises to take the ghastly form that all too many of them assumed.

"With the desperation of a starving kitten, Zhang He sprung Cao Pi's masculine monument from his pants and kneeled before it to pay tribute. He suckled the low-hanging fruit of the Wei prince, squeezing it as if he were trying to extrude the last bit of cream from a tube of toothpaste." He winced. "Such dreadful prose. Where is my grace? Where is my style?"

"Huh?" Xiahou Yuan scratched his head. "You're not complaining about the gay part?"

"I'm accustomed to the rumors about my peculiarities. I find it best to ignore them. Furthermore, any attention is preferable to no attention at all."

"Then why were you screaming again?"

Zhang He raised an eyebrow. "You heard what I just read. Horrifying, is it not?"

"I blocked it out already, thanks." Xiahou Yuan took an accidental glance at the computer screen. "Hey, wait a minute. What the hell is this?"

"This" turned out to be a drawing of Zhang He in a wedding gown, carried by a proud and beaming Xiahou Yuan. He's hair had been done up with enough butterfly ornaments to bury a supply caravan. Yuan's hairy gut poked out of his shirt.

"Come on now! Just because I put up with those antics of yours doesn't mean we have anything going between us!" Xiahou Yuan pulled his top down. "And I can dress myself better than that."

Rather than discuss Yuan's fashion sense - or lack thereof - Zhang He brought up a more important concern. "Why must I always be on the bottom? I should be the star of the show!"

"Well, I guess you could be the prize horse." Xiahou Yuan smirked. "From what I'm seeing here, everyone gets a ride. Even me. Imagine that." A grimace. "No. Scratch that. No offense and all."

Passing by in the hallway, Xu Zhu poked his head into the room. "Horsey rides? Where?"

Xiahou Yuan had clicked away from the offending picture to find something even worse. "Looks to me like you give plenty of them to Dian Wei."

Xu Zhu grinned. "I sure do! It's fun to run around like that with your best friend."

Yuan snorted. "Naked?"

"What do you me-" Xu Zhu looked at the screen before Yuan had a chance to close the window. His face turned a greenish shade of pale. "No! Not like that! It hurts just to think about! It would be worse than that time I ate a whole wood ox to get to the meat buns inside! I couldn't poop for a week, and when I finally did..."

Sparing them all, Zhu ran outside before he had a chance to lose his lunch. He nearly bowled over Cao Ren, who was sprinting down the hall with his armor halfway buckled. Ren had insisted on guarding the computer room although it was locked. Just this once, he had taken a bathroom break without finding a trustworthy stand-in. One lapse in security, and disaster had struck.

Ren barged into the room, prepared for the worst. He was not surprised to see Xiahou Yuan involved. The big oaf had his share of brains. He could lead men to victory in the most arduous battles, organizing raids to strike with the speed and severity of lightning. But he could also be worse than a toddler when it came to following his curiosity. Yuan must have sneaked a copy of the door key and lacked the sense to save it for emergencies.

Xiahou Yuan waved as if welcoming Cao Ren for a round of drinks after dinner. "Hey cuz'!"

"Why are you in here?" Ren demanded. "What are you doing?"

"I thought it would be good for a laugh." Xiahou Yuan flicked his head at Zhang He, who was still mesmerized by all the works dedicated to him. "He was going on and on about gazing into the mirror of the world or some other garbage like that."

"This door is locked for a reason. Exactly what did he find?"

Xiahou Yuan and Zhang He pointed to the screen, allowing the artwork to speak for itself. Ren studied it with visible discomfort.

"Dare I ask if any of that pertains to me?"

"Doubt it." Xiahou Yuan shrugged. "You don't have much of a pretty face, you know. Or a body for that matter. No offense and all."

Cao Ren poked Yuan in the stomach. "As if you're one to talk."

"Hey, who wants a few measly wine jars when you could have a whole barrel?" Xiahou Yuan guffawed. "Besides, you've got nothing to worry about. You're such a tightass, not even a drawing could get up there."

"And why you were thinking about my nether regions?"

"It doesn't take much thinking. Who else wears metal underpants for a perfect defense at all times?"

Cao Ren raised an eyebrow at the computer. "At least I won't be caught with them down."

Xiahou Yuan looked before thinking better of it. His drawn counterpart had carried Zhang He into a sumptuous suite. Their clothing had been thrown in a heap on the floor. And their marriage was being consummated in graphic and well-endowed detail.

"Well, would you look at that!" Yuan grinned. "That's one part of me they got right."

Zhang He shook his head with a dramatic sigh. "Now that was information I did not care to know."

"Information?" Sima Yi inquired from the doorway. "It sounds as if you uncovered a private matter that I should be aware of."

"Sort of." Xiahou Yuan laughed. "It's public knowledge, but it does involve some private parts."

Sima Yi sat down for a closer look, cooling off with his feathered fan as he scrolled past drawing upon drawing of Zhang He with Cao Pi, Xu Huang, a campful of random officers from enemy forces - and himself.

"Fascinating. I would like some time alone to study this...yaoi, as they call it." Yi shooed everyone out of the room, closing the door behind them.

Rumors of the computer's secrets spread throughout the castle like the most devious of Zhuge Liang's fire attacks. As Sima Yi studied his findings, a crowd gathered outside the room. Cao Pi insisted that Zhang He's ramblings about beauty were good for getting him to nod off during war councils, useless for rousing him in any regard. Xiahou Dun reddened at the notion of taking any interest in Guan Yu beyond removing his head in the most painful way possible. "The head with the long beard and the traitorous mind," he growled. "Not the other one."

At last, Sima Yi opened the door and beckoned the group inside. "What I learned may come as a surprise." He paused with a dramatic gesture of the fan. "Generally speaking, this yaoi is written by women for other women."

"Huh?" Xiahou Yuan boggled. "What's so great about a bunch of guys together? I see that every time we go off to fight and I have to bathe in a river with the rest of you lunkheads. Guess what. It hasn't gotten any more appealing over the years."

Cao Pi shot him with a look. "But you wish to see my empress Zhen enjoying some feminine comfort with the Princess of Wu."

Yuan flushed.

"Don't lie." Pi smirked. "Your skills at hiding certain forms of literature could stand to be improved."

"It must be the reverse of the same principle," Sima Yi explained. "In any case, we should not concern ourselves with this material any further. Disturbing as some of it may be-"

The screen displayed an image of Xiahou Yuan tangled up in an unmistakably intimate manner with his brother Dun. Realizing that he had picked the worst possible subject for this sort of demonstration, Sima Yi pulled the computer out of the way just in time for the irate Dun to bury his scimitar in the desk instead.

"-it is harmless nonetheless. I suggest that we put it all behind us and return to our duties."

Cao Ren piped up. "And I suggest that we change the lock on this door and ensure that there is only one key."

"An excellent plan." Sima Yi smiled. "As chief strategist, I shall possess that key."

With that, everyone went back to business as usual. Xiahou Dun stormed off to the practice field to unleash his rage on a defenseless army of straw dummies. Cao Ren and Xiahou Yuan headed over to drill their elite squads. Sima Yi insisted on continuing to study the computer.

"Come on, cuz'." Xiahou Yuan clapped a hand on Cao Ren's shoulder. "Look on the bright side of life."

"This distraction cost us half a day of training," Ren grumbled. "Where's the bright side in that?"

"You saw that one picture of me, right?"

"I wish to forget it as soon as possible."

"You're missing the point." Xiahou Yuan winked. "If girls write this stuff - and girls read this stuff - then girls are going to think I'm hung like Red Hare."

Cao Ren snorted. "Get back to work now, will you?"

"Aw, you're no fun."