Fallen Leaves
The
air is chilly. Dusk has fallen. Winter has
come.
I see the naked skeletons of trees against the sky, here and
there a few last leaves clinging to the branches, like flesh half
torn from bones. I hear the rain dripping softly to the ground. It
has been my constant companion these days. Slowly, aimlessly my feet
move on along the shores of Middle Earth. The salt of tears is frozen
on my lips. I breathe the fallen leaves.
She is gone.
--
You
look so beautiful beside the sea, in
your blue mantle, bespangled with silver.
Your hair dances in the
wind like moonlight on the waves.
Your skin is pale and soft like
the foam on the water,
melting beneath my touch.
Your heart
speaks to mine so loudly
even though you say barely a word.
Will
you come with me, jewel of Dol Amroth,
and grace my home with your
presence?
You came, but your soul belonged to the ocean.
Your
eyes are my ocean.
Dark, blue,
fathomless, ever changing.
I lose myself in their depths,
I
drink their presence,
drown in their glory,
try to decipher
their mysteries,
shrivel without their blessing.
Forgive me. I did not see.
Your
voice is weaving melodies,
low,
wistful songs drifting in the air
like feathers on the
water;
ethereal,
graceful like a swan,
I could listen to you
forever,
protect you, love you forever –
I could not give you what you needed.
I
look at your face and your smile
lightens
up my world,
my eyes sparkle because of you,
my soul glows for
joy at your presence,
you kindle me, turn my ugliness
into
beauty by your reflection.
Finduilas, my morning star –
I caged you and you faded.
Your
golden hair
brushes lightly
against my cheek,
you are here, so near, no longer
locked away
behind a dome of glass, no longer
hidden at the bottom of the
ocean, no longer
merely drifting invisibly in the wind.
At
last
I can touch your hair, as I used to,
softly caress your
cheek and you smile
that radiant smile of yours, missed for so
long, irresistibly longed for,
your eyes look at me, not past me,
not through me,
your soul is with me, as it was at the
beginning,
as it was in small moments in between.
I can smell
your hair,
I can smell your skin,
its sweet, earthen smell,
so
strange and so familiar,
and trustingly, teasingly, of their own
accord,
your honeyed lips touch mine.
I feel light, free,
careless, a state almost forgotten,
my tears are tears of joy.
This was last night in a dream.
--
The
night is starless. Rain has fallen. Darkness has come.
Once there
were leaves on the trees, once there was warmth and laughter. Now
there are only memories, clinging to an empty life. Self-reproach,
regrets, remorse, insights that come too late. My merciless, constant
companions. Hope is frozen in my heart. I am the fallen leaves.
I must go.