A/N: This was originally written for an Autumn themed contest featuring Leo and Raph. Therefore, my idea consisted more of an abstract sense of the season. Here we have Raph and Leo close as youngsters, yet their relationship changes over time such as fall. Of course Raph is displeased, but when he realizes that change isn't all that bad, it just may be too late. Warning, I've been told this invokes the feels.
Summer can't last forever, and that's a fuckin' shame.
I'd remembered how pissed off I'd been when Splinter first explained this to me after I'd complained about the leaves losing the richness of their color and the birds migrating south. Even after the thorough lecture on how this was an important cycle of life and shit, I remained stubborn. I didn't want to wait three whole seasons just for summer to come 'round again and end jus' as quickly. No one seemed to understand why I'd felt so strongly about this in the first place, cause we lived in a sewer for christ's sake, and it wasn't like we could enjoy the weather anyhow.
I didn't bother trying to explain it to them. They wouldn't be able to understand anyhow. Don would get annoyed and call me irrational before ignoring me 'till he got distracted with somethin' more important than my "astonishing lack of competence" - whatever the hell that meant. Mike would give me a quizzical glance and try to cheer me up 'cause he loved all them seasons, and couldn't see the downside to winter being around the corner. His argument being that shell sliding down the iced tunnels was totally rad and I should be utterly stoked.
Weirdly enough it was Leo who'd even come close to understanding what it was I was experiencing. Turns out he felt the same about autumn. Who woulda known that good ol' Fearless had it in him anyhow? I always thought he cared 'bout nothin' more than his stupid-ass spaceship show. Of course, soon after he realized that this whole shift of the season really did bother me, he tried his best to fix it. I just want'd to be left alone to sulk, but he'd have none of that. He finally pestered me enough to where I couldn't keep my beak shut any longer and with a huff of anger I told him everythin'. Don't gotta damn clue as to why I did that, but Leo's always had a knack for gettin' any one of us to jus' sit back and talk. I guess it's a leader thing or whatever.
Sitting side by side along the roof of an abandoned warehouse, I told him how much I enjoy'd basking in the sun and going for dips in the water. How the breeze managed to draw away the wisps of anger clinging to me like a shroud so I could just breathe again. It was life, heat and light, and freedom. It was the strongest and fiercest season in my book; the sun banishin' the cold reality of hardship and the downtrodden soak of despair. It made me feel alive and free, and forget about the monster that resided deep within myself.
When I was finished, I dared a glance at Leo, waiting for a burst of laughter at such a stupid confession. Instead, I saw understanding and an inklin' of surprise. A good surprise though. Kinda like I'd given him insight to something he hadn't thought existed; surprised him that I was more than a vessel for anger and brutality. Giving me a tentative smile he caught me off guard and wrapped me up in a hug, all the while telling me he understood how I felt, and that I wasn't a monster, and no this never could be seen as weird or silly in his eyes. It was then that I began to understand what having a best friend really meant. It was the strangest feeling at first; foreign and kinda mushy. Yet, I grew to enjoy this feeling of closeness with Leo all the same. It was something that only we had, our own special version of summer that'd last forever, and I liked the thought of that.
Turns out that I was fuckin' stupid as a kid. No matter how much I tried to fight it, summer will always give way to other seasons. Change is unavoidable and it'll hit you with the subtly of a sucker punch to the gut. That's how it felt when I realized that our relationship was changing to something devoid of the warmth of a summer's day. Little by little the leaves of our bond faded into the brittle ashes of shriveled foliage. It scared me more than I woulda thought possible. Something had shifted when I allowed myself to become close to Leo, and now this "whatever-the-hell-it-was" was in danger. It angered me to think that I was gonna lose it before I even had a chance to figure out what it was. Simply put, it was turtle luck running true to form once again.
When Splinter announced Leo as the new leader, the first breeze of a cold chill settled over my heart. The close confidant of a brother soon gave way to a determined leader whose focus shifted away from me to other duties. It was all katas and mediation. Rules and restrictions. Chocolate milk was swapped out for shit ass tea, and hour long sessions were spent with Splinter instead of me. I could already taste the bitter chill of fall in the air and there was nothing I could do about it. I had never hated somethin' so much in my life before.
It would have been fine. We weren't as close as before, but there was still a lingering familiarity. The leaves were changing color, but they were still intact, and grudgingly I could deal with it. I just had to get smart and appease by Leo's rules in order to salvage some form of our childhood bond. Easier said than done 'cause Leonardo couldn't help but stir things up a bit. I guess it wasn't his fault that he got sucked into another dimension, leaving me terrified and confused. So I shouldn't been so angry at him. Still he could have avoided making friends with a certain fuzzball. Asshole. As if he didn't already have a hard enough time focusing on us - me - there now was a fuckin' rabbit to distract him. Soon everything sweet and rosy about our brotherhood began to shrivel and rot into a back stabbing thorn of jealousy. How poetic.
I'm sure Usagi could feel the waves of contempt radiating off of me the moment he'd step foot in the lair for the first time, but he sure did his best to ignore it. Leo was pissed at my reaction of course, but I didn't care. How else did he expect me to react when he publicly paraded around my replacement? He shoulda' jus' been happy I hadn't gone and yanked the fuzzballs ears clean off, or worse. The least he could do was let me stew in my own anger till' the others picked up on it. Turns out, that didn't take too long at all.
"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed," an all too familiar voice remarked flippantly. I glared at Mikey as he sauntered over to me and swung an arm around my shoulders. I didn't bother to respond, but that had never stopped him before, so he just continued with the one-sided dialogue.
"Nice guy, eh?" I managed an unfriendly scowl.
"I think he's good for Leo, ya know? Real balanced kinda fella. Seems like he's got it all figured out," I snorted and rolled my eyes. Since when did running around the country homeless mean you had everything figured out?
"Whelp, I'm glad Leo brought him over today. Just in time to serve my famous pumpkin bread in celebration of the beginning of Fall," he continued without pause.
Fall. Well wasn't that just fuckin' great timing. I'd let out a little snarl of frustration and stomped off to my room; making as much noise as I could for Leo to know how much fun I was having. Yeah right - I was 'bout to blow a fuse. I couldn't stand to see Usagi stare at Leo with that love struck puppy look and if he wanted to keep those precious eyeballs then I couldn't be in the same room with him any longer. Slamming my door closed I threw my bandana on the floor in anger. Curling my right hand into a fist I released a guttural growl and slammed my knuckles against the brick wall; a shriveled leaf, from the Venus flytrap that Leo'd given me, fluttered down to the floor in response.
As if things couldn't get any worse, it went on ahead and did. The gravity of the situation continued to press down relentlessly, having forced the leaves of our past bond to drift down into a dark oblivion, leaving me with the hollow feeling of an upcoming loss. Everything was changing and I was angry. Angry that things could not be the way they were before. I missed having Leo to myself. I missed the laughs we would share, and the adventures we would have. Without realizing it, Leonardo had become the shining ray of light in my life. His presence soothed my anger like a summer's breeze. He had become my own little pocket of warmth, and I tried to protect it the only way I knew how; fighting.
Turns out fightin' ain't the fuckin' answer either. Cause soon that's all that we'd end up doing. Fightin' this and fightin' that. There barely would be five minutes of civil talk before we were at each other's throats, and the sick bastard that I was, kinda enjoyed it. Cause this was the only way to get him to pay attention to me again. There were times I wonder'd why I felt so strongly about this. Why I tried so hard to have him spare those five minutes just so we could be in the same space again. I shoulda jus' been able to move on like Leo apparently had, but I couldn't and it was drivin me up the freakin' wall. Yet no matter how I tried, I couldn't make sense of it. So I gritted my teeth and swung harder.
He left. Not a single note, or a whispered breath. He'd just upped and gone to Central America like Splinter told him to. I felt too angry to go and console Mike and Don. I had my own issues to deal with first. Turning back into my room, I strode straight for the punchin' bag, and came across something I had somehow missed. I paused and picked up the peculiar item. A single leaf, yellowed at the edges with a pink center, sitting by my bedside lamp. Twirling it between my fingers, I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes, before tossing it in the waste basket.
Of course, when he did finally decide to come back, things got ugly. It was chilly that day; hint of rain in the air. Summer was at its wits end and losing its strength. The perfect day to battle it out with big brother. After all, what would be a family reunion without a sword to ones back?
I couldn't do this anymore. Everything changed after his return. Those same feelings returned tenfold and I was suffocating. I couldn't stand to feel like I needed Leo as a life line. I couldn't stand that I had come to rely on him so damn much. I couldn't stand that I wasn't able to have him to myself anymore. I'd faded into the background while he strove forward; taking that summer feel with him as he went. I was suffocating from the lack of light and the shroud of anger continued to grow thicker and heavy.
I felt betrayed. As kids he'd become my everything and now I had nothing. It was always about the rules, ninjutsu and meditation, or his stupid leadership mojo. I'd finally had enough and told myself that it was fuckin' time to move on. I didn't need him. I could survive, leave this pretense of a summer behind, and exist without him by my side. So I did the last thing that I could do. If I couldn't keep him close, then I'd just have to push him away. Hurt him so that I could end this for good; move on and rediscover my summer again. It was easy enough to do. We fought almost constantly. All I had to do was turn it up a notch. So the next time he got on my shell for disobeying orders, I didn't hold back.
"Raph you know better than this. Why would you-"
"Would you just shut the fuck up!? Geez, sometimes I think it was better not having ya around to badger me all the time. So just get lost, and deal with your own shit while I deal with mine. Cause frankly, I don't need ya anymore Fearless. I got along just fine without you, and I would rather have you gone than have to deal with you as a pain in my shell," as soon as those words left my mouth, his hand immediately dropped to his side. Yet, that wasn't what really made the panic claw at my throat. Rather it was his eyes; once so bright and alive, were now flashing with a sense of hurt, anger, and confusion, before settling into a myriad of flatness. The blue of his eyes dulled and his expression fell into an impossibly neutral mask.
Shit shit shit, fucking shit, what'd I do? Of all the boneheaded things to do. I should never listen to myself. Why had I thought that this was a good idea in the first place? I didn't want this.
"Damn, Leo - I - I, bro..." He shoved past me before I could even get the words out of my mouth. Suddenly, the panic rose higher and I knew I couldn't let him leave. Not like this. Never like this. Cause no matter how many times he hurt me, he was still my everything, and it was in that very moment that it all made sense. The ache and pain. The determination and anger. I had fallen in love with my brother.
Well shit just got real. It was kinda disturbing to discover this at that very moment, but then again I didn't have time for a mental reevaluation. All I knew was that I couldn't let him leave without an apology. So without a second thought, I grabbed him by the forearm and tugged him back. It was only due to his surprise that I managed to move him at all, but once he realized what was going on, that all changed.
"Don't. Touch. Me." It wasn't heated, nor icy. It was plain calm and collected. It was shit ass scary.
So I had let him go and then cursed myself internally as his shell disappeared through the door without another word. I growled to myself. What was wrong with me. This is what I had wanted, so why did I feel like I was the one at fault for destroying everything? Why did it feel like I had lost my one and only chance? I shook my head. I didn't need him anymore. I kept telling myself it was better this way. The lone wolf vigilante life was more my style anyhow. So I turned back to whatever the fuck I was doing and let him go.
If only I hadn't been stupid. Cause it turns out the truth does fuckin' hurt. Shell. It hurts like a bitch.
That's when it happened. After I had let him go that is. The last leaf had finally fallen. The grass was leached of its color, only to remain hard and barren. No more roses. No more light upon my face. No more cool breezes. Autumn was in full swing and I'd lost. I'd lost Leo. I'd lost summer. I'd lost the whole damn battle. All this time and energy spent fightin' something bigger than me, and for what? I was a hopeless wreck. So blind and confused. Figures that the moment I had finally understood - understood that change was good - everything would just fall apart. I couldn't tell Leo that I could now see what it was that I blinded myself to. That I now knew why autumn was his favorite season; that it made way for new, better, things. Yet, I couldn't tell him. Not after he was dead. Killed protecting his family - me.
The part that really got to me though? The thing that tore me to pieces? I didn't even have a chance to say fuckin' goodbye, and most importantly, that I loved him. Yeah, I don't deserve it, but still... It hurts. It hurts to the point I sob myself to sleep. I plea and cry. I drink shit-ass tea, before spitting it out and grabbing a beer, but nothing brings him back. Not the sorrow or the pain. Funnily enough, these are the times I can't wait for summer to end. Cause then it means that fall is around the corner, and I get to feel closer to him once again.
Yet as with all seasons, Autumn can't last forever, and that's a fuckin' pain.