And He Said Goodbye
Summary: Snape asks Lily to go with him to the 'Dark Side' – a sad tale of true love. Snape/Lily, One Shot.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made (pouts) and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
--
"Severus?" And it was him, silhouetted against the moon, his robes billowing majestically in the summer night's breeze. His face was hidden in shadows. She wiped her eyes and gave him a watery smile. "I'm so glad it's you…"
"Did he hurt you?" She had never heard him sound like this; he was usually so good at hiding all emotion – but she could hear rage embittering every word. She squinted, trying to make out his features.
"W-what?"
"Did he hurt you, Lily?"
"N-no…" He seemed to be surveying her without emotion, waiting for more, "He didn't hurt me, Sev, no…" Finally he seemed satisfied and he sat beside her on the worn, smooth log beside the lake bank, his face inscrutable. They sat in silence, staring at the rippling surface.
"Why are you crying?" He asked gently.
"I…I made a mistake. And it's one of those mistakes that…" She sniffed hard, slightly self-conscious of her bunged up voice. "…that is impossible to sort out…" There was an awkward pause. She felt him inching towards her. Finally he was close enough for her to feel his leg against hers.
"Nothing is impossible, Lily…"
"You don't understand!" She cried, turning to look at him abruptly. His face reflected the moon's white glow; a face that she had known for so long, she'd memorised each plane and curve, eyes of the deepest intense black… eyes that were now pained, his expression morose. "I can't do anything…" She clasped her face in her hands.
She felt his hand trail along her back, his arm around her waist, a path of warmth, of comfort. His fingers rubbed gently up and down her side; she tried to deny the shivers up her spine.
"If there's one thing I know," his voice was so soft, so close to her ear that she could feel his hot breathe, sending more shivers through her. "It's that you can correct any mistake. You can do…anything, Lily. Anything…" She looked at him; he'd grown so tall in their final year she had to look up.
"B-but…" he pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her. It almost scared her how possessed he seemed. He tilted her face towards his; she waited but he did nothing for what felt like an eternity…he brushed the remnants of her tears slowly with his thumb. He seemed to be trying to dedicate each nuance of her face to memory, his eyes staring into hers, black, glimmering pools of feeling and thoughts…she was the only one that could read him…this thought made her quiver.
"You're cold…?"
"No…" Another tear rolled down her cheek.
"Don't cry, please. When you cry I…" his voice was caught in emotion and he stopped, letting go of her face, looking away.
"Severus…" She said quietly, "I know…about the Death Eaters." She saw him stiffen. "That's why you came tonight, wasn't it?"
"Yes." Again they sat in silence.
"Please don't…do this. Please, Sev, if you care for me even a little bit…" He turned to her so quickly she gasped. He stared into her once more, with longing in his eyes. He held her face in her hands with a force that shocked her - and then he ran his thumb across her cheek again gently, as if he didn't know how to treat her.
"Emotional blackmail, Lily…you were always so…" he let his words run to nothing. He leaned forwards, their faces millimetres apart and then stayed very still…she realised he was waiting for her. Waiting for her to make that choice…
At that second she saw her life on two paths. There was James. With him there was goodness, laughter, light…and then there was him. Darkness, profundity and…passion. And he was giving her the choice – James wouldn't. He took her by the hand and she had to just do whatever he wanted…Severus was giving her the choice…
But then she realised it was much simpler than that. He was waiting for her to reject or accept him.
She kissed him – he gasped against her mouth, surprised by her choice. She had never kissed James like this; with him kisses were silly little make-out sessions – snogging. She realised that kissing like this was the magic and fireworks all those romance novels had described…
Severus kissed back with a ferocity that thrilled her – he ran his hand through her hair, using his other arm to draw her closer, until she was nearly on his lap. He deepened the kiss, flicking his tongue against hers…his lips were so soft…his intentions so unclear…she moaned and flattened herself against him, wanting him to feel her heart beating for him, and just for him…
He broke off and they both breathed in deeply, almost childishly shy to meet each other's eyes.
"I love you, Lily. I loved you since the first moment I saw you…" His vulnerability was so sheer, his words so honest…she felt tears come to her eyes once more.
"But don't you see, Sev? You're my mistake. It's you, you, you…" She dropped her face into his lap and cried, thinking of all those broken dreams she'd had for so long…his eyes, hers, their bodies tools to express emotion...
"I don't understand…" His hand was in her hair, stroking softly.
"Because I know this is your goodbye…" His hand stopped.
"You know me too well, then," He said quietly.
"Things could have been different…"
"Yes, of course…but why must we live our life in regret? Be with me. Forget him…be mine." She blanched, she stopped – her heart ached.
"Severus – a life with you is not just that – it's a life filled with Death Eaters, with Dark Magic, with…with…" she couldn't continue.
"But why is that so awful? People with our abilities are drawn to the Dark Arts! I know it fascinates you more than you let on – I saw your face whenever we discussed Dementors, or the Unforgivable curses – embrace it. It's a part of you, Lily." Again she was lost in the intensity of his gaze.
"What of goodness? What of what is right…!?"
"Don't lecture me about morality!" She wasn't shocked he raised his voice, because she knew he felt as frightened to lose her as she was to lose him. "It would not be wicked to – to…" he breathed in deeply, "It would not be wicked to love me."
"Severus, you're asking me to forsake my values…"
"No! I am asking you to forsake him, I am asking you to come with me tonight and see, truly see, this 'darkness' you are so prejudiced against," His voice was bitter, his fingers intertwined in hers…and yet he had never seemed so far away.
"I cannot."
"What?" His voice was dangerously low.
"I can't…I can't do it."
"Please, Lily…"
"No…" Against her body's will she weakly took her hand away. He seemed numb with shock. Then his face was inscrutable once more.
"Then this is goodbye…" He stood, nodded stiffly and began walking away…
"Wait!" She shot up and threw herself into his arms – they held each other tightly, aware this may be the last they'd be together, like this. He pulled away only to kiss her passionately, deeply, and then again and again, as if hoping to imprint her against his mind forever more…
Then he stepped away.
"Severus, no…" she shook, she held tighter.
"I must – it is my destiny," he whispered.
"Then…promise me, promise me you will return – promise me that you…"
"I cannot return only to find you in the arms of another, but I cannot forbid you happiness…"
"You're doing that right now!"
"He is your happiness – you have chosen!"
"Only because you forced me!" They were silent for a long time.
"James will be wondering where I am." She said this intentionally to hurt him and it had the desired effect. "I better go."
He nodded once more and then, with a final unfathomable look, he was gone.
She fell to the floor and gasped out tears, knowing this wound would never heal. Her greatest and only love had just walked out of her life, never to return.
"Why am I not enough for you, Severus…? Why…?"
--
A/N: I wrote this shortly after reading the final book, and that's why it's so gut-wrenchingly dramatic. Please R&R.