Thoughts
by Birgit Staebler
Roller blades spinning wildly beneath his feet, hair tousled
and the jacket flying in the wind, the young, red-haired man sped along
the lake shore. His eyes were covered by glasses against the biting wind,
his face set in an expression that showed a mixture of frustration, anger,
pain and even fear. Evading a couple of cyclists, the teenager turned sharply
toward the lake's shore, then braked hard. Sand flew up around him and
with a simply click he removed the roller blades from his shoes. Cosmo
stared out over the lake, eyes hooded, deeply troubled and very much afraid.
Few people milled around this time of the year. In summer the beach was
packed; now, near the end of autumn, only a few walkers crossed his path
as he began to walk. His strides were long, eating up the distance, and
his frustration spoke out of every single step.
He finally reached a secluded spot that was favored by
couples in summer because it was so reclusive. No one could look into the
shallow cove and the water lapped gently against polished stones. Cosmo
sat down on the cooling sand, eyes gazing out over the lake; lost and alone.
The last conversation with Ace came to mind and he fought
the knot forming in his throat and stomach. He was a normal kid! Not special!
Not an outsider! Emotional pain lanced through him and tears threatened
to fall. He didn't have paranormal powers, damnit!
But you felt that Ace was still alive, didn't you?
No! Yes.... Oh, damn! It was just because I refused to
see the reality!
Really? Wasn't it more like you felt and subconsciously
knew it?
No!
He clenched his hands into fists and fought the urge
to scream out his frustration.
If he ever mentioned this to his friends..... no, no
he wouldn't... he couldn't....!
Ulene and the others thought Ace was cool because of
his magic. They didn't know half of what Cosmo knew about the Magic Force
-- and that was pretty much nothing to tell the truth. But, hey yes, Ace
was a cool guy. He was an adult, but he left Cosmo his freedom and the
few rules there were he could follow easily. Cosmo had realized over the
years that he had trained long and hard to achieve this level of magical
mastery, and the recent events had shown him just why a magician had to
train. An unleashed, untamed Magic Force was incredibly dangerous.
"But I don't have it!" he whispered. "I'm not different!"
He had enough talents already that had set him apart
from others his age before -- and which had gotten him into a lot of trouble
as well. He didn't need this! Cosmo clenched his teeth.
He wasn't a freak!
And that was what it was all about. Wielding any kind
of power above what society called 'normal' would be called freakish. Being
as intelligent as Cosmo was -- that was freakish as well. He had abilities
already and they were above what his friends could do and Cosmo frequently
shut up when he wanted to add something or other to a conversation, especially
when it concerned hacking or computers. His mind was always on overdrive
when it came to such problems and he loved solving them. It was a trait
that had gotten him the behind-the-scenes job for Ace's shows and it was
why Ace trusted him with developing stunts he would perform.
But psi-stuff...
No way! No, no, no!
Still, the little voice was insistent and he remembered
how he had felt when Ace had been believed dead. There had been something
inside him, small and insistent, telling him that Ace was alive. Then there
had been the sudden release of energy, his knees buckling, his whole system
filled by a rush he had never experienced before. Now he knew that this
sudden change in him had been at the exact same time Ace had freed himself
with the Magic Force -- when he had let it flow freely through his body
and soul.
"It can't be!" he whispered intensely.
But it was, the other voice insisted.
He had felt Ace's desperate attempt to get free; he had
felt Ace's presence while he had been bound and drugged in the hands of
this madman.
His eyes traveled over the churning surface of the lake,
waves coming in with more force as the wind grew. The forecast had spelled
rain and even a small storm, and Cosmo knew he had to get somewhere dry
and warm soon, or be soaked. A glance at his watch told him he had sat
here for over three hours already! The darkening sky supported that late
hour.
But Cosmo didn't want to return to the Magic Express.
Not yet.... He couldn't go back and face Ace.
Walking along the shore, Cosmo stuffed his hands into
his pockets, brooding. Ace wanted to help, but if he accepted it, Cosmo
would admit to having powers, to being a freak. He kicked at some soggy
wood that had been washed up onto the shore.
Do you even know what you can do?
No! And I don't want to!
But in the beginning you thought magic was cool. You
even entertained thoughts about being like Ace.
Why can't you shut up! Cosmo screamed silently at the
nagging voice.
He walked for a long time, ignoring the growing wind,
the biting cold, and abut everything else happening around him as well.
When he looked up he found he had walked to exactly the one place he had
not wanted to end up at: the Magic Express.
Talk to Ace. He wants to help.
I don't need his help, he insisted stubbornly. I can
handle it! I'm not different!
His childhood had been hell already, without psi powers,
with just his normal abilities. His father had ignored him, his mother
had left and he had no idea where she was, and his teachers had told him
he was too dumb to even finish highschool. That the boy had been incredibly
bright and bored because of the low-grade educational level, no one had
discovered. Cosmo had fought for everything in his life, even for life
itself, and he had always wanted to be normal. Lead a normal life...
Huh, right! Normal! Working for Ace Cooper, living in
the Magic Express with a pet panther and an AI, and also doubling as a
part-time crimefighter. That was not normal! But he didn't want to add
paranormal abilities!
Cosmo sighed deeply, unable to find a way out of it.
He was stuck with something he didn't want and didn't need, and his best
friend knew about it. Ace was just trying to help and he wanted only his
best, but Cosmo wasn't ready for it. He looked at his hands. Ace wielded
an incredible energy, he could even influence matter, but it freaked Cosmo
out to no end if he would be able to do it.
How do you know those are your powers? the little
voice spoke up again.
What were his powers anyway? He had no clue because he
refused to know more about them. Maybe he wasn't a magician like Ace.....
"Damn!" he whispered and sat down outside the Express,
hugging his knees to his chest. It was getting colder by the minute and
he was shivering, but the most coldness came from inside. "Why me?" he
asked the silent dock around him.
Was it chance? Some freak accident? Hereditary? Whatever
it was, he didn't want it!
Cosmo buried his head in his hands. He didn't know what
to feel now. He wanted to scream, to kick and beat something, to hide and
never resurface..... to turn back time.
You helped save Ace, the voice whispered. Your
insistence kept him alive.
But it's over now! I don't want it to happen again!
Even if it means helping Ace once more?
He swallowed and something inside of him twisted painfully.
Ace needed his help sometimes, yes, and he wasn't the person to deny that
Cosmo was his partner and that he appreciated him. What if he didn't acknowledge
his abilities? What if he hid them, refused to train, and in the end....
killed Ace? Cosmo shivered. No!
But... but.....
Confusion rose and fed the frustration inside him, drowning
out everything else. Whatever he did, whatever his decision was, a part
of him would suffer, maybe even die.
Cosmo leaped to his feet and felt nervous energy course
through him. When he forgot all his other worries he could even feel something
deep inside of him that he had felt there before; sometimes; not often....
"No!" he hissed, quickly walking away from the Express.
*
It was early in the morning when Cosmo returned. He had
spent the night partying at different clubs after staying with his friends
at the video arcades as long as possible. He had tried to forget what had
happened by challenging some of them to a game or dancing with Ulene. It
hadn't eased the pain and it had not erased the memories, but at least
it had let him forget for just a few minutes an hour.
Ulene had seen and heard the difference, had asked if
he was okay, and he had lied to her. Yeah, he was fine. Maybe a bit tired.
Working too hard, helping Ace with the new show for the comeback next month....
so much to do. From her expression, she had not believed him.
Now, at 4 am, he was tired, worn, but not yet ready to
give up and go to bed. He walked into the Magic Express and smiled at Zina,
who padded silently through the living room. Then he frowned. Normally
the large panther slept in Ace's room....
"Angel?" he called softly.
"Yes, Cosmo?"
"Is Ace home?"
"No, he left about fifteen minutes ago."
"He left?!" At this time of the night?! "Uh, you have
any clue where he went?"
"I do believe he went to the Ring Theater."
At 4 am?? Cosmos shook his head and almost automatically
walked into the hangar where he found that the Magic Racer was gone, but
the Magic Bike was still there. With a yawn he fired up the bike and left
the garage. He weaved through the late night/early morning traffic, which
wasn't much, and finally arrived at the Ring Theater. The Racer was parked
behind the building and Cosmo stopped the bike next to it. He entered the
theater through the back stage entrance. He walked along the silent corridors
and finally arrived at the double doors leading to the stage. Cosmo slipped
into the main hall and then stopped.
Ace was here. He stood in the middle of the theater,
bathed in a soft, diffuse light coming from the lamps usually used for
emergency or night lighting of the area. His eyes were closed and magic
moved all around him. Swirling lights danced through the air, imaginary
creatures leaped gracefully through fiery circles, and when Ace opened
his eyes, they seemed to glow with the power he wielded. It was fascinating
just to watch him use his power so gracefully, so easily, but Cosmo knew
how many years of training lay behind him. And he had seen what the untamed
forces could do, what a loss of control meant.
Going through some easy routines, Ace worked from one
level to the next, finally channeling something akin to the Magic Force
but not quite so intense, and his cape twirled in the magical winds.
Cosmo was like hypnotized, wondering if this was what
lay inside him.
And if it is? Are you afraid?
...... Yes, he finally confessed. I am.
Ace's powers were as helpful as they were all-out destructive.
He could control the elements and had so before; the very memory of those
particular events gave Cosmo the willies, seeing Ace in the eye of the
storm while the artificial storm raged around them. He could shake down
buildings, lift heavy weights by mere thought, and create objects from
magical matter. If Ace had decided to go criminal with his powers, no one
would be able to stop him. Cosmo shivered again and stared at his hands
as bluish green lighting lanced up into the air, dissipating in a shower
of colorful sparks.
He was a criminal. And he had psi powers. He bit his
lower lip.
You haven't even tried, the little voice told
him firmly.
And I don't want to, he answered softly.
Ace stood in the middle of a gentle storm of pale blue
light, raising his arms, creating a fantastic show of light and beauty.
Cosmo was mesmerized, feeling a light tingle inside his very self. He ignored
it, just watching Ace as he let the magic work freely, lightly, without
restraints, without the sharp tinge of the Magic Force.
Wouldn't you want to be able to do that?
I.... I.... no! No, I don't want to be a freak!
Is Ace a freak?
He's the Magician! He's different! Cosmo argued.
Is he really?
Cosmo had no answer for it. He leaned against the door,
hidden in the shadows, watching his friend as he played with a force barely
anyone could really say he understood.
"I don't want to be a freak," he whispered to his inner
self. "I can't do it."
There was no answer this time, only the powers around
him.