Isla woke up with a start. There was a nightmare, but she could not put her finger on what it had been about. They had been occurring less and less frequent, but she knew that they involved Nahuseresh, even if he was dead. She took a deep breath. There was also an excruciating pain in her lower abdomen. It was not her time to bleed and of course she could not because of her condition. She sat up half asleep. Some wine would calm her down. As she pulled back the covers, she saw blood. Lots of blood. It soaked her nightdress and the sheets on her bed. Isla let out a sob, covering her mouth then it turned into a blood curdling scream.
The night guards heard her and quickly barged into her chamber. Something was wrong. Isla was not known for acting like a frightened child. They saw her covered in sweat and screaming, sitting up in her bed. There was a lot of blood.
"Princess Isla, what happened here?" Liam asked her kneeling beside her bed. She could not stop screaming. Then she began weeping profusely. Perphious searched the room. There was no sign of intrusion and the secret door was locked firmly. The curtains fluttered lightly in the night breeze.
"We should fetch her parents." Perphious said to Liam, who stood and nodded in agreement.
"No." Isla said darkly. "I forbid you from getting them. Please. Please-"she faltered trying to breathe and think. "Please get Petra and Azalea. Do not tell anyone else. No one. Not my parents, not Osto. Just get me Petra and Azalea." Isla choked on her tears again. Perphious sent two lower guards to fetch the older ladies as they watched over Isla.
When the two attendants arrived they found Isla sitting on the floor clutching her knees in a blood soaked nightdress. The fire was smoldering and emitted a faint glow. Her eyes were distant, dark in the shadows. Petra dismissed the attentive guards to go back to their duties; they would take care of her from here. The attendants inspected the bed and they understood what happened at once. Azalea kneeled down to Isla's level.
"My lady." Azalea said. Isla snapped her head towards the voice, a confused look on her face before a wave of recognition appeared on her face. She reached to her like a child. Azalea wrapped her arms around her, holding her and rocking her soothingly. Isla closed her eyes.
"Azalea-"she whispered. "What happened?"
"Your body rejected the baby my dear. It can happen because of a trauma or problem inside the mother."
"Poor baby. Dead without seeing the world."
"The gods have their reason love. It was not your fault."
"I cannot tell Osto. I cannot tell him that I killed his child."
"Isla. You had no control over it. It was not your fault."
"What if your daughter died, right now? How would you feel? Would you blame yourself for her death?"
"I- that is different."
"No, not really. I feel this agonizing pain within me. I loved the child without even holding it in my hands, watching it grow."
"Isla-"
"What if I cannot conceive?" she whispered. Then there was silence. The question hung over them in a foreboding manner. Bearing children was an important matter. It was true that Attolia only ever conceived once and that was Isla, but in her case she had not suffered any miscarriages.
Petra had fetched Attolia, who came in quietly. Isla looked up at her mother and slowly stood. She then forcefully embraced her, finally letting the last of her tears and sorrow out.
"I am so sorry my love." Attolia said. She kissed her daughter's head. Isla cried until she thought she had no more tears, and then realized that there were more, continued. Isla sniffled, her breathing ragged.
"Here, let us get you cleaned up." Attolia said helping her daughter dry her tears with her hand. "You'll feel better." Petra and Azalea helped her undress and as Petra wiped her down, Azalea replaited her hair. They put her in a new nightdress. But all Isla could see was blood.
Petra fetched some tea, as Isla laid on the couch, her head in her mother's lap. Attolia stroked her daughter's hair soothingly.
"I cannot tell him." Isla said. It would break his heart."
"But he has you still. He loves you Isla. Love is powerful. The gods- the gods know what they are doing. Osto will not blame you."
"How can I tell him? I-I" she was silent.
Petra stoked the fire as Azalea cleaned the bed. She undid the sheets and wrapped them into a ball. Petra helped her place new linens on the bed. It was maids work, but there was no point in notifying everyone in the palace and the city and the world, that Isla, Crown Princess of Attolia and Eddis, was incapable of having a child. They made the bed and pulled back the coverlet.
Eventually they coaxed Isla back to bed. She did not make a sound. Attolia promised she would come see her after court was out of session. Azalea went back to her own little home where she found her own little girl and held her in her arms for the whole night. Petra stayed with Isla, sewing in the firelight until morning.
Isla slept through the day. She regularly woke to vomit, take some warm broth, and then she would fall back into a fitful sleep. No one was admitted except for Petra, the physician, and Attolia. Osto was worried out of his wits, not being informed in any way of his wife's illness or circumstances.
Petra told him he was not allowed to see her on Isla's orders, which it was. Attolia wanted to tell him, but she could not go against her daughter's wishes. Attolia kept a calm face during the morning court session, not allowing her maternal instincts to affect her mindset. After she left Isla's quarters, she was intruded upon by her husband in her private chamber.
"What is going on?" he asked angrily.
"Isla is ill. I cannot tell you anymore. It is Isla's to explain. And I cannot tell anyone until she tells him." She said emphasizing the last word.
"Is she going to be alright?" Eugenides asked, growing pale.
"For now." Attolia said. She motioned for her attendants to leave. After they left, Eugenides saw her mask fall away. She closed her eyes as a few tears escaped them.
"Irene, what is going on?" Eugenides asked wiping the silent trail of tears off of his wife's face. She opened her eyes and looked at Eugenides.
"I am very worried for her. She- she suffered a miscarriage." Attolia said softly. Eugenides enfolded his wife in his arms. He felt her pain. They had wanted more children, but it was not the gods will. No one besides the midwife, the physician, Sophos, and Helen knew how much Attolia had suffered. He kissed her head gently, and then lifted her chin with his good hand.
"I am quite sure that in the end, everything will be fine for Isla. She is capable of getting through this." He kissed her lips tenderly. Attolia brushed his hair off of his forehead.
"When did you get so tall?" she asked with a slight smile on her lips. "I never realized how much time has gone by. I want her to be happy. She is a part of us. In a way her pain is my pain Eugenides. I cannot help it." She closed her eyes again and buried her face in his shoulder. "I am just worried."
Isla woke late at night, a scream on her lips. She was covered with sweat. Isla scrambled from under the covers and to the secret door.
Stumbling and half-asleep, she made her way to Osto's bed chamber. She needed to see him. Unlocking the latch, she slipped into his room. He was asleep in bed.
At a glance at the mirror she saw a ghost. Isla realized it was her after a moment. The face was pale and her eyes were rimmed with pressing tears. She pulled back the covers of his bed and got in besides him. She curled up behind him, barely touching. Isla felt safer just being near to her husband. Her eyes closed as she tried to fall back asleep.
Isla felt him shift. Please do not be awake she prayed silently. She had not wanted to wake him. Her eyes opened slowly when she felt him brush her face. Isla was looking directly in his eyes.
"What happened Isla? I have been worried sick." He asked now fully awake and sitting up. Isla looked at him in the dark. She wanted him to just wrap her up in his arms forever, but she knew that would not happen. Not after what she was about to tell him.
"I killed our baby." She whispered. "It is gone and dead and will never grow up and meet us or ride a horse or see the sky." Tears began bubbling in her eyes.
"I am so sorry love. It is not your fault. I promise you that." he said wiping her eyes gently. This was not the first time he had seen her cry, but he hated it every time.
"How can you say that? How can you still love me?" she asked.
"What does that have to do with the situation Isla?"
"I killed your child. I killed innocent life."
"You cry over this child, who had not yet been born, yet you can go out in battle and kill in cold blood, grown men who most likely have families of their own. Isla, I love you. It cannot be helped that this happened. You are not alone love. You have me and your parents and my parents and Azalea and Petra and Linor and Rom. There are many people who care for you and will be here when you need us." Isla grabbed his hand and held it to her heart.
"Can I stay with you tonight?"
"Of course." He smiled and pulled her closer. She tucked her head under his chin and curled up close to him.
"Good night." She said, closing her eyes. And she fell asleep.
Isla woke up warm. Osto was not there. She sat up, half-awake, not liking being alone. She saw him sitting near and began to breathe again. He was reading and Petra was sewing. Her mouth was dry. Petra noticed she was awake and got her a glass of water. She took it sipping tentatively. Osto came over as Petra sat back down.
"Good morning love." He said bending to kiss her forehead. "Are you feeling better?"
"Why did you let me sleep so late?" she asked.
"You needed to rest. Are you hungry?"
"A bit." She said. Osto nodded at Petra who left.
"She will fetch the physician and some food for you."
Isla scooted over and pulled Osto to her.
"Will you read to me?"
"If you want me too." He said, and then went to get his book. Isla watched him warily. As he came back towards her, he noticed she was a little flush. He sat down next to her.
"From the beginning or from where I left off?" he asked her.
"It does not matter to me." She said "I just want you to read to me."
"Well then, Chapter One." He said. As he began reading, Isla eventually closed her eyes and listened. The words were a sort of lilting lullaby to her with Osto's voice being the beautiful music.
"Thank you" she sighed as she went back to sleep. Osto gently kissed his wife's head as she lay sleeping.
Petra returned with the physician and soup shortly after. She found them both sleeping. Isla's arm was wrapped across Osto's chest and his was around her. They both had serene faces.
Petra smiled and removed the book from the blankets and closed the curtains. The physician left a bottle of laudanum for her to take a few drops of when she woke up. Petra let him out before going to find Attolia.
"She is with him now. They are sleeping so I think everything will be alright your highness." Petra told her Queen.
"Thank you Petra." Attolia said. Attolis, who had been lounging nearby, sat up.
"She is alright now?" Attolis asked earnestly.
"Yes sir. The physician has given me a bottle of laudanum to give to her when she wakes up."
"I will not allow that." Attolis stood abruptly.
"If it will make her better Eugenides…" Attolia started.
"No. I will not allow that. Do you remember all those years ago what had happened when laudanum was involved?"
"Eugenides. That was the past. It is safe. She only needs it for a day or two."She stood, moving over to him. "I know how you feel. She is our daughter, but she is not a child anymore. Let her make her own decisions. Osto is there for her now. This is one thing that has affected her deeper than ever before. Even more then the incident all those years ago when Sounis and Sounia were here and she destroyed her chamber." She said smiling at the memory.
"I think Osto caused that if I recall correctly. Pus the addition of all of her temper tantrums when she was a child and her stubbornness to be the best."
"She is defiantly your child Eugenides."
"She is our child Irene.' He said kissing her gently. "And I still refuse to allow her to take any of that damned laudanum."
Petra excused herself silently as not to disrupt their private moment. It was miraculous to see the intensity of this family. None could rival it, she decided.
Isla awoke to darkness. The dream had been so vivid in her mind. She felt a tight pain in her chest and moved away from Osto. He stirred, opening his eyes slowly.
"Are you okay Isla?"
'It was just a dream, I- I am going to vomit." She said covering her mouth. He quickly gave her the basin next to him and gave it to her, stroking her brow as she heaved.
When she was done, she allowed him to feel her forehead. It was pretty warm.
"Are you okay Isla?" he asked again.
"Just a dream I said. Go back to sleep. I will be fine." She mumbled getting up. He did not listen to her. Instead he got up and went to her.
"Tell me about it." He said pouring her a cup of water. She took it and had a tiny sip. Isla took a deep, shuddering breath before she began speaking.
"It was about you and me and our dead child." She would not look at him. "I was crazy and I strangled our baby because it would not stop crying. And I- I did not know what to do. And you hurt me and spat at me and told me I was a killer and that you – you never loved me. There was blood on my hands and face and body. I was stripped of my clothes and you kept hitting me and scratching me. You gave me to Nahuseresh- to be his. You told him I was a murdering whore and he grinned and grabbed my wrist forcing me to the ground. All the while I was screaming and crying, but you just stayed there, laughing and with murder in your eyes." She was crying by the end. Osto took the glass, placing it down on the table. Isla was gripping her arms forcefully across her chest. Osto wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. He bent his head to her ear.
"Isla, I love you so much. I want so badly for all this pain to go away. I promise you that I do not blame you in any way. It is the gods designs Isla." Osto pulled away and ran his hands up her face, pulling her hair away from it. He dried her eyes with his thumbs. He then bent and kissed her forehead.
"I love your lively mind." He kissed her eyes. "I love the mischievous look in your eyes when you have a plan." He kissed her ears. "I love you your ears that hear absolutely everything and I love your beautiful mouth that tells so many wonderful truths and lies." He kissed her mouth finally. It was that gentle kiss that made her relax. She broke apart and looked up at him with her tear ridden face.
"I am being quite the fool am I not?" she asked. "I was so frightened that everything would become unraveled because of me. I do not like being seen like this; so weak and so helpless."
"It is alright to feel upset over something like this, Isla. I am hurting too, but you are more important to me then what is going on in my head. I just need you to be happy."
"I love you Osto." She said finally looking at him. "I love you so much. I am just so scared of losing you." She wrapped her arms around him tightly. After a moment, she let go and looked at him attempting a half smile.
"You do not have to worry about that." Osto said. "Isla, I want to bear your pain right now. Your pain hurts me so much more then you can imagine. Everything will turn out for the best." Isla held one of his hands close to her face.
"And you will be with me?" she asked.
"Of course." Osto said, leaning a bit towards her, their foreheads now touching. After a moment, Isla touched her lips to his, softly and tentatively.
"I want to go back to bed, but I am a bit hungry." She said. Osto smiled. He took her hands in his. Then let us go get you something to eat." He said. She allowed him to put her robe on. He led her down to the kitchens through the back passageways, slowly, and looking back every few steps to assure himself that she was there. She gave him a small smile each time he checked on her.
As they walked into the palace kitchen, they realized how quiet and dim it was without the hustle and bustle. Osto bade her to wait as he went to raid the pantry. He came back with a small loaf of breads, some cheese, a bowl of olives, and a bottle of wine.
"I do not think alcohol is the smartest thing for me to have right now." She said with a laugh.
"A tiny bit will help." He opened it and took a swig. Isla eyes it warily as she took a handful of olives. She ate them as slowly as she could. Osto handed her some bread and cheese. Isla ate that as well.
"Any better?" he asked her.
"Much." She nodded. Osto offered the wine to her. Hesitantly, she brought the bottle to her lips. Isla took a small dosage before handing it back to Osto. He set it down on the counter then hoisted her up onto the countertop.
"What are you doing?" she asked in a tiny voice. Her face felt flush.
"I am just reassuring you that I love you." He said kissing her gently. "I'm kind of liking this side of you: quiet and obedient." He put his hand on her thigh and kissed her a little more forcefully. They broke apart. Isla stared at him warily. Her lips were parted a tiny bit in exasperation.
"Don't get used to it." She whispered. Osto pushed her hair behind her ear with his free hand. Isla, in response, turned her head away from him and closed her eyes. He kissed her exposed ear gently.
"Isla, everything is going to be fine." She turned her head back, looking at him wistfully.
"I know that." She said as her eyes roved his face. She placed her hand on his face and leaned closer. He closed the gap. This kiss was long and slow. It was comforting, but something subtle was lying under the surface.
"Osto-" she said breaking apart. She slid down, her hands on his chest. She kissed his cheek.
"I wish to go to bed." Isla said trying to keep a neutral face, though it was hard not to after being around him like this. Isla knew sleep would be the best medicine right now. Well right next to being with Osto. She took the cheese and bread and then walked soundly away.
Osto followed her to his room. They slipped into the dark chamber; the embers glowed in the grate. She finished her food, drank some water, and got into the bed. Osto followed suit. She rolled on her side and stared at him sleepily.
"Good night." She whispered as he pulled her closer. Osto kissed her forehead.
"I love you."