Life is what you make it? Isn't that what everybody tells you when things aren't going the way that you intended? Well, what about when things are going too well? What about when you think everything is going perfectly and then everything gets turned upside down? Thats what happened to me, I had a family and a great job and some of the most amazing friends that you could ever hope for. In fact, I suppose if I'm completely honest then I've been blessed enough to have that twice. Yes, that's right. I've found perfection twice. Both times I could have been blissfully happy, forever. I could have but I'm not. Maybe this would be easier to explain if I started from the beginning. I guess things always are easier when you know the truth, right? why do I keep asking questions? I'm still doing it!

So anyway, my two attempts at perfect happiness started when I was 17. Yes, I know, probably too young but when part of your soul walks through the door and into your life then you can't turn it away because you're too young. I was working in the juice bar of my uncle's hotel at the time. I didn't get on with my parents so he'd given me a job and room in the hotel. It wasn't very glamorous really but it was better than I could have done by myself and it meant I could work on my writing when it was slow too. I was happy, plus being family and working the night shift meant I didn't have to wear a stupid uniform. Most nights you'd find me sitting on the edge of the bar in a pair of jeans and a vest top with a good book in my hands. My hair was waist length back then and I dyed it a gorgeous rich red that I remember glowed under the soft lighting in the bar.

It was on one of those nights that he walked in. It was his clothes that caught my attention. He was wearing a pair of skate jeans, a fish net shirt and a sleeveless t-shirt over the top. He wore a pair of new rock boots too. I remember thinking that he was my type of guy, then I caught his eye. His eyes were an amazing shade of green, like the river bed on a rainy day. His lips were so full and red that I had to double check he wasn't wearing lipstick. He was stunning! He was almost beautiful but he was too masculine for that word to sit right. I couldn't describe it but there was definitely an attraction. I've heard the expression love at first sight but it wasn't love, it was lust. I was overwhelmingly attracted to him.

Most of that night pasted in a blur, I knew I was too young for him but I couldn't stop thinking about him after he left either. His name was Jeff and he was a wrestler. He was staying for a week or so and I knew I had to get to know him better, in fact by the time he went back to America where he lived we were best friends. We wrote and talked almost every day and we'd grab a few days together whenever we could. The attraction never went away but we learnt to deal with it. We were friends first and fore most and we wouldn't let anything happen. Besides, he had a girlfriend. Her name was Beth and she was adorable! I mean if I could have picked anyone for him then she would be the one. She kept him grounded when even his brother couldn't. Jeff has a very addictive personality and he struggles to be anything but extreme about anything. He can be too much sometimes but other times its like being in paradise. He gives you everything you need and desire. He treats you like a goddess.

For a few years thats all we were and then I moved to America. I'd been offered a dream job and I couldn't say no, besides it meant spending more time with Jeff and his brother Matt. The only person that wasn't happy was Beth, which looking back I could understand. I was more grown up by then, I was in the best physical shape of my life, I was beautiful and Jeff adored me. Why would she be happy? It didn't take long before her worst fears were realized. Jeff and I slept together about 6 months after I moved out there. I'd love to say it was a mistake and I regret it but it wasn't and I don't. I hate that Beth got hurt when it came out but Jeff and I were in love and that night was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. He was gentle, loving, tender, patient and sweet. I wouldn't have wanted my first time to be with anybody else. He knew it was my first time and he made that night all about me, I was his goddess to worship and nothing else mattered. As long as I live that was perfection! Nothing has ever even close close, well except once but thats a story best told later if you want it to make sense.

Things got complicated after that, a lot of our friends didn't understand what had happened or that we couldn't have stopped it. They were Beth's friends too and when she moved out of Jeff's house they stopped coming round. I was staying next door with Matt at that point and the guys dad lived on the other side of Matt's house and for a few weeks even he wouldn't speak to me. It was ok though because I had Jeff and he was my angel. People were saying I was a home wrecker and that I was a whore. It hurt a lot. I got through it though and for a while I was truly happy. I loved my life and I even moved in with Jeff.

You've probably guessed though that life didn't stay happy and perfect for long. Jeff was working away a lot and he was drinking and doing drugs. I was home alone with nobody to talk too so I turned to Matt. Matt and I had been close from day 1 but we started looking at each other differently and we ended up sleeping together. What made it worse than Matt being his brother was that it happened in mine and Jeff's bed. I don't know what made that one night different from all the others we'd spent alone together or why we couldn't ignore the attraction but it happened. We made a mistake.

I couldn't keep it from him for long and we came clean. He hated me for a long time and I couldn't blame him. I offered to leave but he said no, he said that if I left he'd never let me back so he slept in the spare room for nearly 3 months. That was the loneliest 3 months of my life. I hadn't just lost my lover, I'd lost my 2 best friends as well. Jeff forgave Matt a long time before he did me but then he'd always said bro's before ho's. We worked through it and after a while things got back to normal, well as normal as our life ever was. He even started trusting me alone with Matt. I thought that after surviving that we could survive anything. He didn't tell many people what had happened and nobody knew he was sleeping in the spare room, not even Matt. I think if all our friends had found out then it would have finished us. They never would have forgiven me even if Jeff did.

Then he had his revenge, he got drunk and decided to sleep with Beth. He didn't tell me though and that hurt me so badly. It would have hurt coming from him but he tried to hide it. He would have let me go on thinking that we were ok when we couldn't be if he did that. She told me about 2 months after it happened and she took great pleasure in doing it. She'd wanted to hurt me and she did it in the only way she knew how, she took Jeff from me. I think if I'd known straight away we'd have gotten through it but he hid it from me. So we separated, I moved into my own place and he went to therapy and tried to get on with his life, he'd call once a week and we'd talk. It helped but I still felt like I didn't know him. So I got into a relationship with Adam, a guy Jeff worked with and who was close friends with Matt. I know it sounds like we're playing games but it was complicated.

Adam and I lasted on and off for around 2 months and then Jeff I got back together and 2 months after that I found out I was pregnant. Both guys did a runner and I ended up back in bed with Matt, who then decided he couldn't be with me because of Jeff. You still with me? So I was pregnant, alone and living with my ex boyfriend, who is the brother of the possible father of my unborn baby. Complicated enough for you?

My amazing baby girl Alexa was born really sick and Jeff was fantastic through it all. Adam came around when his new girlfriend let him but Jeff was her dad, except he wasn't because biologically Adam was. Alexa pasted away when she was just a few weeks old. I never would have made it through that without Jeff but we couldn't survive as a couple so I took off. I went to stay with some friends in Hawaii and Jeff got back with Beth. After everything we've been through I'm surprised we can even still be friends. I don't think I could cope if I was ever cut out of his life completely though. I still love him.

So thats the first of my perfect relationship that didn't end too perfectly. I was truly in love but because of things out of our control it just couldn't work. So are you ready to hear about perfect number 2?

I had met Leland few years before, he'd been at an MMA fight I'd gone to with Jeff and we'd started talking, we'd stayed in touch via e-mail and phone ever since. When I told him about losing the baby and splitting up with Jeff he offered to let me stay with him for a while in Kona. Of course, I'd jumped at the chance. Who wouldn't want to spend a few weeks relaxing in Hawaii with a gorgeous, charming, exciting local to show you around? Leland works with his dad but spends the majority of the year on Kona running their office there while his dad looking after the smaller island offices with the rest of his family. When I arrived Leland met me at the airport and my heart did that familiar pitter patter. The first time I'd saw Leland I'd been blown away. He was only 5 foot 9 inches but he was perfectly formed. He had a chiseled body to die for, deep soulful brown eyes, kissable lips and the thickest most luxurious brown hair I have ever felt. He was covered in tattoos and he was just my type. He was a rebel with a soft heart, of course the fact that he could protect me made me want him even more. He was a prize winning MMA fighter. I'd always controlled my desire for Leland but now that Jeff and I were over I could explore it a little deeper. We were both free agents after all.

Leland took me back to his apartment which he shares sometimes with his elder brother Duane-Lee and his 2 sons, Dakota and Cobie when they come to visit. It was only a 3 bedroomed apartment so Leland generously gave me his room while he slept in his brothers. He was an utter gentleman. He pulled out chairs, opened doors, he was charming and relaxed. He would take my hand while we walked for hours around the island and he'd give me his coat once the temperature started to drop of an evening. We talked about every subject imaginable and he never once judged me. I told him everything that had happened between Jeff and I. He was shocked that I'd slept with his brother and his friend but was also shocked that I'd only ever slept with 3 men. When I asked why he described me as a sexual creature. He told me about his divorce and how hard it was being away from his sons as they live in Colorado with their mother. He'd pay me compliments and he would hold me until I fell asleep and then carry me to bed but he never so much as even tried to kiss me.

I'd been in Hawaii 2 months before Jeff phoned and I knew I shouldn't but I went back to him. 3 Days later I was back sobbing in Leland's arms. Jeff and I were fine at first, the first day he was lovely. He kept telling me how much he missed me and he couldn't live without me. Then he went out with some of his friends the next night, I stayed home with Liger, his dog and I waited up for him. It was about 5am when he finally got back and we got into a blazing argument. He kept calling me names and saying he'd never be able to trust me because I only ever wanted to hurt him. On the 3rd day after we'd both calmed down we went out for lunch with Matt and a few friends. Again, Jeff got drunk and accused me of trying it on with all his friends. It showed me that Jeff and I would never work, I was too much of a flirt and he was too much of a free spirit.

A few weeks later Dakota and Cobie came to stay for a week and Duane-Lee was over on business so poor Leland ended up on the couch. We had a ball though. We took the kids bike riding, snorkeling, scuba diving, mountaineering and out for a picnic. They loved it and I got on really well with them, especially Dakota who made me teach him how to play 'soccer'. I was sad when they left. I could see how much love Leland has for them and how happy they make him.

The night they left though Leland took me for a walk along a deserted beach. After about an hour we came to a rock face with a small cave in the side. Leland dragged me reluctantly inside. The place was full of candles and rose petals. There was about 12 fur blankets piled into a heap and a picnic basket to one side. I remember he asked me to spend the night with him and I fell instantly head over heels in love. That night was magical and he made me feel like a princess. That was my second night of heaven. He couldn't have made it anymore perfect. I woke up the next morning wrapped in his arms with the sun rising over the ocean. It was like waking up to a dream.

I thought he'd change after we spent the night together but he didn't. He was my gentleman. He started taking me to work with him and thats when I saw just how gentle he was with me. I watched him wrestle huge guys to the floor or brawl with tweaks in the street who thought they were protecting their friends but when it came to me he was soft and caring. I loved it. He was my hard man and power house at work and my gentleman and lover at home. He called me his princess or his lady. I had never been treated like that before, I'd always been one of the guys. When I got my license so I could work with him I think it nearly killed him because all he wanted to do was protect me and there I was by his side. He couldn't protect me 100% there.

Leland is my knight in shining armor and his family accept me completely. I adore him and I love him in every way imaginable. He would give his life for me in a heart beat. I know all of this but Jeff is still that proverbial thorn in my side. Anytime he needs me I go running. I mean, physically there hasn't been anything between us for about 2 years now but I still adore him and I think some days that if I could have the Jeff back that I first knew, before the drugs and stress and lies, then maybe I would give us another go. Then I look at what I have now and I feel guilty.

I've had perfection with both men and in some place in time both men would be perfect for me. i adore them both. Jeff is happy now though and I wouldn't take that away from him, he deserves it even if it is with Beth. I'm happy too Leland is my world and my angel but I guess the only thing that stops me giving myself completely to him is that he's not my first.

I always dreamt that my happy ever after would be with my first love, my first lover and my soul mate. Jeff was all those things but Leland is my soul mate too.

So here I am, stuck in limbo. I want my happy ever after but I think I'm about to get my happy never after because Jeff is coming to visit us and I think it may get explosive.

Im not sure if Leland and Jeff will come to blows but I know already that Leland hates Jeff. He puts up with him being part of my life because he knows I love him but they'll never be friends. Leland doesnt understand how I can have Jeff in my life after everything he did to me. I think if I wasn't trapped in the middle they could be good friends. They are so alike and yet so different at the same time. I'm not sure why Jeff has decided to visit me now but I intend to try and sort things out. I want to let go of my past and make sure Jeff knows we are just friends. I also need to prove to Leland that he's the one I want. he knows my thought about my dream of being happily ever after with my first and that plays on his mind.

I'm glad its happening now though because I have to drop a bomb shell again. I'm pregnant. It's not planned and Leland isn't even sure he wants anymore children, I know that from our discussions about the future. I want Jeff here as support but also because I know how hard it's going to be for Jeff to find out that I'm pregnant. I want to be there for him and I want him there incase Leland reacts badly. I know it's selfish but it's true.

3 days later Jeff arrived and Leland and I met him from the plane. I hugged him closely and when I let go he was smiling. He looked younger and healthier than he had for a long time. Leland shook his hand and made polite small talk but I knew he wasn't happy. It hurt that I could forgive Jeff and Leland can't, I know Leland loves me and doesn't want anyone to hurt me but as far as I'm concerned it is all water under the bridge.

Dinner was tense to say the least. Neither man was rude but it was obvious they weren't trying either. I decided that I may as well get this over with so I knew where I stood. "Guys, I've got something I need to say." I say Lelands face drop and the tears spring to his eyes. He thought I was going to leave again. I knew instantly without having to ask that thats what he was thinking right then. Jeff looked worried. He was finally clean of drugs and settled with Beth, he was nervous. I took Leland's hand, "Baby, please don't look so upset. It's good news. At least I think it is." I tilted hi face so he was looking into my eyes. "I'm pregnant." It took a few seconds for it to register what I'd just said and then his eyes lit up and he was laughing and crying at the same time. I was hugging Leland when I realised that Jeff was smiling and crying too. "J, are you ok?"

Leland let go of me and took hold of my hand. "Yeah, T, I'm so happy for you. You deserve this. You were the best mom I could have wished for for Alex and now you get to show that all over again. I'm just happy yu wanted to share this with me. Leland, make sure you take good care of her."

"So you're not angry or upset? I wanted you to be here so that I could make sure you are ok." I gave him a half smile. He knew I still worried about him.

"I'm fine. I actually came to make sure you were alright when I broke my news that Beth is pregnant too. I guess we have all finally truly moved on. I'm sorry for everything I put you through T and I'm jut happy I get to keep you in my life." He held his hand out to Leland "congratulations mate." The two men shook hands and I felt so happy. Maybe now my soul can rest since the 2 missing pieces are finally back with me.