Pointless, that's the word I would give to describe that emotion. Pointless and stupid, it's an emotion that leads to nothing but pain, and I've had enough of that in my life. I've managed to live without it for this long, sure I'm only 25 but that's still a long time to live without an emotion. I have used every drop of my power to stop from falling in love; the majority of my thoughts were trying to convince myself that I wasn't in love. He was just so dead goddamn perfect even though he did have a big damn heart that was going to get him killed.
And now we are back on Bug planet trying to get those estúpido, hostile natives to cooperate, sure we have the hive on our side, but there is a whole other side to this planet, a side with more hunger for humans than Pincer. Maybe Up wasn't the same, maybe I was kidding myself, but even now that he is softer I still lo- think he's a great ranger. Damn my heart! My stupid heart! He is older than me, a lot older, he just thinks I'm a little kid, someone he can watch movies with or work out with but he'll never love me. I'm nothing special, I'm just Taz, just Taz. There are so many rumours already, and of course they are 100 percent not true, and I don't want them to be true! No!
He's is Up, my commanding officer, the leader of this mission, the toughest son of a bitch there ever was, the war hero, a legend, the role model to every future ranger!
My best friend.
I refuse to believe it, I completely and utterly refuse! And yet I feel it. It's been there for so long but never have I been so aware of it. Damn heat, damn, damn, damn. Why can't I just be the tough son of a bitch ranger I'm suppose to be, the one who feels no emotion but anger! Never gets hurt, never gets disappointed, never hopes, never dreams, and never falls in love.
And now that we are in the middle of a bug war, it seems even more pointless to admit to being in love, because he could die. I don't think I could live without him, dead goddamnit! When did I become so dependant on one person? I was suppose to be independent, not afraid of death or people dying but him dying terrified me more than anything else.
What if I died?
What would he do? Would he be able to move on? Of course he would! I mean I'm not that important to him, I'm just the little kid that he took under his wing because she was all alone and he pitied her. And he kept me around because I was the only one who could almost beat him in fights and had good taste in movies.
He would maybe even find a wife; I think she would be blonde, tall, almost as tall as him but not quite. She would be nice enough but not overly so. She would be able to cook; I'm terrible at cooking, that's another reason that he wouldn't like me. She wouldn't be a Starship ranger, no she would be someone who could stay home and take care of the kids while he was on missions. I couldn't do that, I'm not even sure I even want children, and what if I can't give him children. She would be pleasant to the guests that came over; she would never loose her head.
She would be his age.
No one would ever question her motives, with me they would ask questions, always wondering. Was she a gold digger after him for his money? Was she just a slut, who would sleep with anyone? Or maybe she was sleeping with him to get to the top of the class and get picked for better missions.
I'm not in love. And there is no proof he'd love me back if I was, okay maybe there is a little proof but it could very well be wrong. I'm not in love, I will deny to the ends of the earth I will spend hours convincing myself otherwise. I'm not in love! How could I be, I would never give in to such things that made me weak and vulnerable. Even down here on Bug planet where we could very well all be killed I won't admit it.
Where is he? I was surrounded by other rangers but I couldn't see Up. We were deep in enemy territory, trying not to make our presence know, we wanted to examine the terrain before going in for any attack. Suddenly none of that mattered. The sky exploded with bugs, coming down from the lush trees, crawling out of the thick bushes. Theses bugs were nothing like the ones on the other side, these ones were bigger, uglier and with claws and teeth sharper than any knife I had ever seen.
Zappers starting shooting immediately in all directions, I was more worried that someone was going to get hit by a Zapper than eaten by a bug! Where was Up? I may not be in love but he is still my best friend, and I need to make sure he was okay. I was using up so much of my focus on finding Up that I didn't notice a claw swinging around and hitting me so hard it took me off my feet and threw me backwards 20 feet.
Even at the moment I was flying thru the air I wasn't thinking of myself, I was thinking of Up. What was going on? He could very well already be dead, I felt a familiar pain in my chest as I thought of Up dead, never to see his blue eyes again or watch another movie again, the thought was unbearably painful. If he died I would be broken, completely shattered. I could never kill myself, that's the act of a coward but I would be broken beyond repair, you could never find all the pieces of me again they would be gone forever.
I finally hit the ground, I groaned at the impact, everywhere hurt, I think something snapped.
"Taz!" The voice was so familiar, so relaxing I felt overwhelming relief that he was still alive. I was still spread eagle on the groan my hair flown everywhere my red bandana almost falling off but I turned my head to the right and saw Up running towards me.
"Taz move!" he shouted, he had seen what I hadn't. The bug that had thrown me backwards was moving towards me at an alarming rate for another hit. I sat up quickly and my head snapped towards the bug.
The bug looked a lot like Pincer but with bigger claws and even meaner looking. I wanted to move but I was frozen in fear, and even if I tried to move I couldn't move far because I think I injured my leg.
"Up, I can't!" I shouted, giving him a pleading look he continued to run towards me fearful and determined to do something. It didn't take me long to figure out what he was going to do.
"Up don't you dare! I will kill you!" I screamed at him, the irony was so painfully strong. The bug was growing closer, and so was Up, I tried to stand up to move, to do anything but the pain was overwhelming, I was feeling like I might pass out.
I struggled trying to move but was unsuccessful. The bug finally lunged at me, and so did Up.
"UP!" I shouted as one last desperate attempted to convince him to leave me. But no such luck he shoved me out of the way of the bug's path so that he was in the position I was previously in. Our eyes met for a second, he gave me a look that almost looked like- no it couldn't be.
Everything was silent; I couldn't hear anything except my breathing. My eyes grew wider as the distance between Up and the bug grew closer, the bug was almost on top of him. And I could feel the tears in my eyes; this couldn't be the end of his life, the end of my life.
"NO!" I screamed, they made impact, Up was crushed under the weight of the bug. A hundred Zappers suddenly shot at the bug on top of Up, it was dead in a matter of seconds. 10 people pulled the bug off Up and they got an on field doctor to start working on him.
I could still hear everything that they were saying even from where I was, they had rangers standing guard so that no bugs would come near them while they were working on Up. My breathing was staggered as I clung onto the last glimmer of hope I had. Suddenly I heard unforgettable words.
"We're loosing him!" the doctor shouted, two technicians got those charger things, don't ask me what they are called I'm not a doctor! "Charge to 200, clear"
Up's chest moved a little, but not a lot.
"400" the doctor said.
"Come on Up!" I shouted at him even though I knew he couldn't hear me "Live Up, don't leave me!" I begged, I was now crying and I didn't really care who saw. I needed Up, I couldn't live without my Up!
The doctors, charged again, and again. I wanted him to make it so badly. I was crying and yelling at him, telling him he was stupid for saving me, begging him to live threatening to kill him if he died but all I want is to hear that voice one more time. The doctor charged the plates for the final time.
"Clear" he said, I waited.
"Please Up" I whispered, a single tear falling down my check onto the dirt. "Please"
It should have been me
He should have stayed
I'm not worth the price
He now has to pay
Why is life so harsh?
Why is it so unfair?
I'm the one
That should have been there
And even now,
I can't admit it
I'm not in love
From my heart I will rid it
Because I have known
from the start
That if I never fall in love…
"Time of death 10:34"
…I'll never die of a broken heart
A/N: I'm not sure about this one, but please tell me what you think anyway! Oh, and I will be updating the revenge of Junior soon. Please review! You guys are all awesome.