The Karma Circle: The Prank War, an invader zim fanfic

Welcome, children. Welcome…to the KARMA CIRCLE.

I speak to you now in this little tale of a war recently won. Irk, home to twin dictators, has been felled. And the one that seemed least likely to see vindication has brought glorious retribution to the race that so ravaged innocents across the galaxy. Still, do not take me to indicate this is a tragic tale…oh no. For even when war is lost, I bring you tales of joy and happiness to be found and shared…

…well…happiness for MOST…or even some. But definitely not for a certain Irken who has been having an unfortunate amount of…anger…thrown his way.

And so…our tale begins.

"Zim…do you remember that day all those years ago? When you kept asking why I kept standing in your way? And I said "How would you feel if MY race invaded YOUR planet"?"

Zim glared darkly back at Dib, his eyes alit like cold red fire as he clenched his claws into the bed he was sitting in, Dib giving the biggest, shit-eating grin of his life as he smirked back at his lifelong rival. "Zim…REMEMBERS."

"And do you remember what you said?"

"…ZIM…REMEMBERS."

"I wanna hear you say it." Dib said, his grin somehow getting even wider as a loud bugle rang through the air over the camp's PDA system, Zim's antennae flattening quickly against the top of his head as he hung it slightly and grit his zipper-toothed teeth.

"…I said "that…would never…happen"." Zim finally mumbled out.

"That. You. DID." Dib said with a triumphant gleam in his golden/amber eyes. "Now come on. Get up. Get dressed. We're all waiting for you in the mess hall."

Dib had finally shown true interest in "real science" back home, and had actually invented real, genuine space travel for Earth. Zim had, of course, been eager to sabotage this as quickly as possible and had tried to ruin Dib's attempt to get in good with his dad, but it had backfired STUPENDOUSLY. He had been caught red-handed in Membrane labs and the only reason he'd been allowed to live was so Dib could use the information in Zim's base and PAK…to chart a path for Earth to Irk…loudly broadcasting to all who were listening that guess what? They were on their way to destroy the Irken Empire and if anyone wanted in…now was the time.

Revolts had swept across Irken-controlled planets like a plague, and with the Meekrob and the Resisty consolidating their forces with the now-powered-by-perpetual-energy Earthen fleet, Irk didn't stand a chance, especially when the repository of all Irken knowledge lay within every Irken's PAK, including the weak parts of every Irken ship. The Massive had CRASHED into the capital, and the Tallest forced to their knees to surrender to Dib as Lard Nar triumphantly used Red and Purple as TABLES, forcing the new ruling representative of Irk, former Table Drone Bob, to sign terms of surrender. And Bob had been so happy with digging the pen in DEEP to the paper AND Red and Purple's back, he didn't even care that he was just a puppet ruler.

So now Zim and enormous platoons of Irkens all lived in prison camps, watched over by Vortians, in the ULTIMATE irony as Dib occasionally stopped in every now and again just to rub it in Zim's face that he was to blame for everything. And as evidenced by his almost childlike glee, he loved every minute of his job.

Especially when he got to visit Zim's camp for extended periods. Because then he could do things like THIS to Zim, for as the Irken tried to pick up his boots from the dingy dirt floor of his dingier little tent, he promptly fell over flat with a cry, whacking his head against the ground as he glared darkly down at the offender. His boot wouldn't BUDGE!

"What in the?!" Zim muttered darkly, eyes glaring coldly. "My boot has been nailed to the ground?!"

"It's important to start the day on the right foot." Dib chuckled as Zim gave him a snort.

"Bah! Your…petty prank is pathetic! This is not acceptable, Dib! This is CARPENTRY! It takes no skill!" He hissed, trying to yank the boot up again…only to fall flat on his back with a THUNKA-THUD.

"You sure this isn't funny?" Dib chuckled.

…

…"Oh, sure, sure, I understand how hard it must be for you. BULLETINS flying in every direction…OFFICERS blowing up in your face. We've got actual offices that blew up!" Lard Nar snapped over the main communications line at Prison Camp A113, resting his head on his fist and frowning darkly back at former prisoner 777. "The Planet Jackers have been giving us guff. They're almost all extinct ever since they failed to get that planet to throw in their sun, but they're determined to take everyone that ever wronged them with them…and to get at Zim, they'll blow us sky high!"

"So what's the issue?"

"Zim is our company clerk…and he is not up to snuff." Lard Nar remarked coldly.

"Am I to take it you are unsatisfied in how Zim performs his duties?"

"I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him perform his duties yet!" Lard Nar snorted. "And that's putting it MILDLY. So far you've handled the job with all the skill of a one-legged man at a BUTT-KICKING contest!"

"You don't have to rub it into Zim's face…" Zim muttered as he entered the room and Lard Nar tossed the communication hub he was using at Zim, making it bounce off his head. "OWWWWW! Why must this be?!"

"Do you know why…I am ANGRY at you?" Lard Nar whispered as he steepled his pointed nails, his eyes glittering behind his green goggles as Zim took in a long, deep gulp.

"No, but I've the distinct feeling you are moments from TELLING Zim…"

"Zim, this morning I asked our requisitions officer Senior for two new security guards. He said "WHAT two new security guards?" I said "The two new security guards I requested in my personell requisition", to which he said "WHAT requisition" to which I said "The requisition you clearly did NOT get from Zim, our new company CLUCK!"

"Company CLUCK?!" Zim angrily proclaimed, growling angrily as his antennae flattened against his head and he hissed. "Zim is no CHICKEN!"

"No, if you were, I could at least cut off your head and serve you in a fine firewhiskey sauce." Lard Nar muttered balefully as he waved a dismissive hand in the air. "Although a few of the prisoners have offered to do just THAT. You've ten seconds to convince me why I shouldn't take them up on their offer and tell them that it's for the birds!"

"There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why Senior did not get that requisition form." Zim said proudly as he slammed his gloved fist against his chest.

"What." Lard Nar stonily inquired, his mouth a taut line.

"Zim lost them!" Zim cheerily proclaimed.

THA-THRAAAAM! Zim was immediately launched out of the room, a desk slamming him into the ground outside as Lard Nar lowered his foot. "Lard Nar used High Jump Kick. It's SUPER effective!" Dib laughed uproariously from outside, taking pictures with his camera as Zim moaned in agony.

…

…soon, everyone was sitting at the lunch table, pretty much everyone giving Zim unpleasant looks as Tallests Red and Purple poked at their food, Purple sniffing it as a blind, white-eyed Irken in a soft-looking white robe calmly sipped some orange soda across from them, being the only one who'd sit on the same side as Zim…save for Dib , who was smirking over at Zim, who's body was now covered in ADHESIVE MEDICAL STRIPS, Tak raising a nonexistent eyebrow over at the Tallest as guards patrolled the inside and outside of the camp's makeshift cafeteria.

"What is it?" Red mumbled.

"Spaghetti with mushroom sauce…I think." Tak admitted.

"Who got the mushrooms?" Purple snorted as he poked at his meal, Tak rolling her eyes as she reached for the sugar dispenser to do what they usually did and drown their meals in tasty sugar crystals.

"Oh come now, I don't think it's that bad-GAH!" She groaned as the cap promptly fell off and sugar poured all over her food.

"TAAAAK." Purple groaned as he tugged down on his antennae. "Now WE can't use any!"

"I'm guessing our big-headed BOSS is behind this…" Red muttered darkly over at Dib, who was smirking broadly.

"I'm so happy today I don't even care you called my head big." Dib said as Tak smelled the "sugar", realizing it wasn't really sugar. "Y'know Tak, you gotta cut down on your salt."

"I must admit, that joke is…lackluster." The blind Irken finally spoke up, his voice dark and soft as he shook his head back and forth, balled antennae bouncing about. "I admit, things were far more lively when Skutch was here."

"Ahhhh. Skutch." Skoodge said wistfully as the tubby Irken rested his head upon his hand and smiled a bit, antennae drooping low. "My dear comrade!"

"Skutch was such a SCAMP." Darth chuckled cheerily as he nodded in agreement, Dib taking it all in, rubbing his chin. "I remember one prank you and Skutch pulled off back in training on Devastis. Skutch got hold of Tallest Miyuki's gown while she was still asleep. He tied them to a slow-moving set of jets and flew them right over the training field and you took the stage from a startled commander Riswald, and demanded that everyone pledge allegiance to her panties!"

"Skiives on the wing. That's rich!" Dib admitted with a big smirk as Lard Nar nodded his head in agreement, munching on some of the mushrooms he had with his dinner.

"Skutch and Skoodge are childish, immature, ridiculous juveniles!" Tak snorted, rolling her deep indigo eyes as Purple sniggered.

"Indeed. Both are ahead of their time." Purple tragically sighed, shaking his head back and forth. "Wish Skutch was here instead of in the capital, helping Bob…we could have some fun."

"I think we CAN have fun. Why…I'll bet that if those two were here, they could pull a prank on each and every one of you in twenty four hours." Lard Nar spoke up with a big, mischievous grin. "A kind of "Joke Out", if you will. Anybody who could do THAT on all of you…would certainly be the galaxy's heavyweight scamp."

"And when would this thing start?" Skoodge inquired, looking amused by this little proposition as he steepled her gloved hands and raised a nonexistent eyebrow. "And what kind of stakes?"

"These things tend to start at dawn." Lard Nar commented calmly. "And if Skutch was here, I think…they'd want to see the loser do a strip tease on a table for the whole camp…with appropriate musical accompaniment."

"And if not everyone is gotten?" Zim inquired.

"The tables would be turned."

"ZIM would LOVE to see you, perhaps, being forced to sing "You're the Tops" without your BOTTOMS." Zim whispered, eyes narrowing at Lard Nar as everyone looked over at him with surprise. "…I like the classics." He mumbled.

"Is this why you joined community theater at the school?" Dib inquired before Lard Nar waved a hand in the air.

"Come, come. Let's all relax for today. Tomorrow's something special. Especially for you, Zim, because anybody who would want to prank anybody…would want to get you worst of all." The Vortian head of the prison camp said with a faint hint of malice in his voice. "But me? I don't go in for that kind of stuff." He added with an angelic smile, holding up a small plate. "Crispy rice square?"

THE NEXT DAY…

"GAAAAAH!"

Zim shot up in his bed, glancing left and right before seeing Red beating a gigantic beetle into the floor of their tent with a large copy of "Your Dreadnought Carrier and You", Red growling and snarling as he finally released the book and Zim blinked in surprise, Lard Nar calmly peeking his head into the tent.

"What's going on?" The vortian inquired.

"That is what ZIM wishes to know!"

"I found THIS in my bed!" Red snapped, pointing with a long claw digit at the beetle now buried underneath his book, putting his hands on his hips and glowering at the two.

"A dead beetle?"

"No, it was only dead after I bashed it's brains in!" Red muttered balefully, glaring accusingly at Lard Nar as Zim gaped.

"You put a live Garsalclus Beetle in his BED?" Zim wished to know. "It could have devoured his head!"

"Zim, there's bugs all over your planet." Lard Nar nonchalantly remarked with a shrug of his shoulders and a dismissive wave of his hand, shaking his head back and forth. "Don't go looking at me."

"One day, Lard Nar…one day I pray to the Moons and Stars of Irk that you will turn to me in a time of need." Red muttered darkly as he walked out of the tent, walking alongside Red and Zim as they made for the bathroom to take their respective showers, a few dozen human guards looking over at Zim and snickering a bit. "And I will .YOUR.FACE." He promised. "Purple's waiting for me in the shower, he's the only one I feel safe showering with, so let's hurry-"

"Tallest Grapa's Pain! I think I'm gonna die!" Purple's high shriek yelled out from the group bathroom/shower tent, the three glancing at each other before taking off for the sharp-roofed tent, Purple gasping and coughing as he held up a tube of toothpaste, standing in front of a small sink as the cleansing liquid trickled down the drain.. "Th-that was…I…UGH…"

"What happened?" Red asked as Purple wiped his mouth, spitting into the sink again and again.

"Don't…don't know! I was doing my pinky pearly little toothies, and then I started to taste what seemed like…SOAP!" Purple moaned as Red sniffed the toothpaste tube, frowning a bit.

"Somebody's put SHAMPOO in the toothpaste!" Red murmured softly, eyes narrowing at Lard Nar as the Vortian cheerily smiled back.

"I must say though, your teeth are looking more well-conditioned than ever." Lard Nar complimented Purple, who nervously rubbed the back of his neck, blushing slightly.

"Oh, well y'know I put a lot of-HEYYYYY!" Purple realized, glowering darkly at Nar as Zim gulped inwardly, inching towards the door. ANYTHING to get away from Lard Nar…and out of the line of seltzer fire!

…

… Zim gulped nervously, glancing left and right, eyes flitting back and forth, antennae standing tall and erect as he shivered. He had no idea what the filthy goaty-head had planned! All he knew was that he was terrified of what Lard Nar might have planned, what with the resources to move in and out of the camp at any time, being unnoticed by all…well, perhaps not the guards. But they were all human. They sure weren't going to tell HIM if their commanding officer had, say, snuck into this very kitchen he was stuck peeling potatoes in and-

"Zim?"

"GAAAAAAAH!" Zim shot up into the air, tiny arms wrapping around the circular light fixture hanging above, dropping his potato peeler by the pile as his teeth chattered in his mouth, Lard Nar looking up at him, arms folded over his chest.

"I'm relieving you. You can go back to your tent if you so wish." Lard Nar said with a wave of his hand. "I'll go and get Red or Purple to take over this."

"Wait. Why did you say "go back to the tent"?!" Zim whispered, eyes narrowed to maroon/ruby slits as he growled darkly, antennae flattening against his head.

"I said you CAN go back."

"No, no, you were making a pointed pointedly point of a suggestion!" Zim hissed. "You want me to go back! No, no, Zim shall stay here! And peel potatoes! Away from you! FAAAR away!"

"Fine by me." Lard Nar said with a shrug. "MY you are jittery today."

"You! REPROBRATE! You FILTHY! FILTHY! GOAT!" Tak roared out, storming into the air, holding aloft a bathrobe that was folded up in one hand, her face red with fury, veins practically popping out from her skull.

"My, my. Quite a mouth on you." Lard Nar commented as he frowned a bit at her. "What is THIS about?"

"I was going to take MY shower along with the rest of the women, wearing this bathrobe, when I noticed it was feeling rather DRAFTY." Tak hissed out, unfurling the bathrobe…revealing the area where her butt was meant to be had been cut out from it, Zim gaping in surprise. "I rushed out of the shower, but not before a chorus of hooting, hollering precisely THREE marriage proposals and someone rating my butt a "8.4"!"

"Of course it's an 8.4, that's because your camp is full of Irkens." Lard Nar snorted. "Zim's is actually a 9.2 from what I heard."

"BAH! Zim will not accept your compliments! I'm going to get through this day without you doing anything to me if it KILLS me!" Zim swore darkly, shaking a fist at Lard Nar as he and Tak exited the kitchen, Zim no longer having a good grip on the light as he fell to the kitchen floor with a THRUNKA-THUD. "Ow! Why does everything want to hurt Zim?!"

"Are you alright?" The tubby Skoodge called out as he entered the room, looking down at Zim as Zim lay on the floor, moaning and rubbing his head.

"The filthy goaty-head got former Tallest's Red and Purple AND Tak!" Zim murmured. "He's no doubt gunning for us next, the skaatel!"

"Not me." Skoodge said proudly, pointing at himself with a big chuckle. "I lived through getting fired out an Orbital Sweep Cannon AND a Hogulus trying to eat me alive! Lard Nar's not getting ME!" He insisted. "You and me, we've gotta keep on our toes, Zim. But we can do it if we're careful, I'm sure!"

"Do we HAVE toes?" Zim murmured aloud.

…

…it was dinnertime and Zim had finally reached the front line, Chef Larb wearing a large apron that read "Kiss the Cook", a cook's hat drooping slightly over his skull as he looked at Zim. "What would you like?"

"What do we have?"

"Beans, beans, chef's surprise, and, oh! More beans." Chef Larb remarked with a shrug.

"So what do you recommend Zim try?" Zim wished to know, raising a nonexistent eyebrow up.

"…well…the beans?" Larb mumbled nonchalantly, Zim glancing back as he saw Lard Nar cheerily waving over at him from a nearby table.

"…ahhh, no. I'll try the Chef's Surprise. What's the surprise?"

"It's almost edible. Surprise!" Larb commented cheerily as Zim glanced back at Lard Nar, pursing his lips nervously.

"No, wait…perhaps he EXPECTS me to change my normal food choice…maybe the Chef's Surprise is just what he thinks I'll go for." Zim mumbled, heading over to the table Lard Nar and Darth were sitting down at, grabbing the plate that Lard Nar had.

"Hey!" Lard Nar snapped. "What do you think you're doing, Irken?"

"Having what YOU'RE having! LITERALLY." Zim snorted.

"Oh come now, Zim. These pranks…they are all in good, clean fun." Darth remarked cheerily, finally touching the "Chef's Surprise", shoveling a mouthful into his maw, having polished off a tiny plate of smuggled-in candy fruit. But a few moments later, his balled antennae shot up, milky-white eyes bugging out wide, mouth gaping as he howled, clawing at his throat. "GUUOOAHHH!"

"Look at you! You've no shame! Poisoning a blind person!" Zim hissed darkly at Lard Nar, pointing accusingly at him as Darth's arms flopped about in the air before he clawed at the table, trying to find the jug that held the soda the table had before managing to grab hold of it, shoving it to his mouth and gulping down as much orange soda as he could.

"Don't know what you're talking about." Lard Nar said again with a calm shrug as Darth finally tossed the now-empty jug to the side, glaring in Lard Nar's direction.

"Lard Nar, you…you FINK!" Darth hissed out, getting up from the table and storming out the tent…or at least, TRYING to. He accidentally slammed into the wall of the tent, spiraled around a bit, grumbling before finally getting it right.

"Zim has his eyes on you." Zim murmured darkly, pointing at his eyes, then over at Lard Nar, who calmly sipped his soda, resting his head on his fist and smiling warmly over at Zim.

"Y'know Zim, maybe you should go take a nap at your tent."

"Ohhhh no!" Zim snapped, quickly hopping up, stepping away from the table and shaking his head back and forth. "I'm not going back to there at all. I'm checking in on SKOODGE, who you haven't gotten yet, and staying as close to him as I can!" Zim said, the tiny Irken barreling away from the tent and heading into Skoodge's, an alarm rattling as Skoodge immediately ducked under his bed, peeking out to take a look at Zim. "What in?"

"Shhhh!" Skoodge whispered, putting a clawed digit over his lips. "I'm pulling out all the stops. Just on my guard!"

"You're going to stay in here until it's over?"

"Of COURSE!" Skoodge insisted firmly, tucking his pillow over his head. "As our commander always said, a true Irken prepares for everything! I've got three stun sticks under my pillow, a land mine in the corner and a tazer down my pants!"

"Well…" Zim dusted himself off, growling a bit. "No. NO! That filthy goaty-head is not scaring Zim! I'm not going to let myself be intimidated. I'm going back to get some real FOOD!"

"I admire your courage if not your intelligence, Zim." Skoodge said, slowly crawling out from the bed and nodding as he held the tazer up, glancing left and right as Zim rolled his eyes, exiting the tent and heading for the mess hall…before a loud BOOOOOOM almost blew the top of Skoodge's tent clean off, Zim racing inside again as smoke billowed out from a nearby drawer/desk that Skoodge had. "GAH!"

"What happened!?" Zim asked as Skoodge took a small fire extinguisher to the flames, panting and heaving as he wiped his forehead with a free hand.

"I don't know, I opened the drawer up and BLAM! A bomb exploded right in my face! I don't know how he got in, I was sure I'd set up traps to catch him if he snuck in while I was gone…" Skoodge murmured. "You gotta get away from me, he's sure to save the worst for you and I don't want to be near you when you go off!"

Zim quickly checked his back pants pocket. No explosives in them YET.

"There's only one thing for Zim to do." Zim muttered stonily, slamming his fist into his palm, eyes a-blazing.

…

…Zim glanced left and right, shaking slightly in his makeshift bed, surrounded by barbed wire in a "tent for one" of his own making as he clutched the makeshift cludgeon in his gloved hands, the faint call of a wild avian ringing through the night air. He shuddered as the cold wind nipped at his body, nervously tugging his blanket up around him as his eyes flitted back and forth.

"He's not getting me." Zim mumbled again and again in a panicked tone. "He's not getting Zim!"

…

… "Well! Well! WELL." Zim proudly remarked, bags around his eyes as he strode into the mess tent, the human guards letting him through as he put his fists on his hips, looking at the table with Purple, Tak, Red, Skoodge, Darth and Lard Nar as Dib watched with a small assortment of guards nearby, all eagerly watching the scene unfold. "Zim sees the LOSER'S Table and wishes to gloat." He proclaimed, pointing a claw up in the air and waving it about as Lard Nar looked amusedly at Zim as he sat down. "I shall sit at this table and mock you all day about how you failed miserably."

"You don't look like you got much sleep." Skoodge admitted as Zim yawned a bit. "…nor much food."

"I do not mind. In fact I am here to enjoy serving up some food of my own! A slice of humble pie." Zim chuckled as he shuffled over a bit and parked it right between Darth and the Vortian, Lard Nar calmly munching on some SUPER TOAST Dib had brought for the camp from home. "My…my…my. Close but no cigar. You tried soooo hard to get Zim, but I was too clever for you." Zim said with a big, huge grin on his face. "Seems like JUST yesterday you were insisting you could get everyone with your little bag of tricks. But that big wasn't big enough to hold ZIIIIIM!" Zim proclaimed, waving his fists in the air.

"Well…not exactly." Darth murmured with a slight chuckle as the others at the table all began to laugh and chuckle as well.

"What do you mean?" Zim said, looking annoyed. "He got all of you! You, and you and you-"

"Oh? Did you actually SEE the live beetle in my bed?" Red asked, raising a nonexistent eyebrow up and leaning back in his chair. "Not dead and squished on the floor, but ALIVE? Did you see him put the bug in my bed?"

"Nor look at the toothpaste?" Purple asked.

"Or see my fanny?" Tak inquired.

"Or eat my food?" Darth added.

"Did you see Lard Nar do ANY of that?" Skoodge wanted to know as the biggest, shit-eating grin Lard Nar had ever given stretched across his face. "Truth be told, Zim…the only one who got "gotten"…was you."

"The "filthy goaty-head's" plan was just so brilliantly conceived, devious and DIABOLICAL, I had to ask if he'd ever considered a career in the Irken military!" Red admitted with a hearty laugh.

"It was fascinating to watch…forgive the term…" Darth said with a small smile. "You turn into a giant, paranoid basket case, not knowing where or when Lard Nar would strike next. And all we had to do was do some fake choking here, some character acting there, a fake bomb THERE…"

"And watch you disentigrate into a LOON." Purple laughed. "And you sure did!"

"Indeed. You started being afraid of everything and everyone, even the food. Which, by the way…was delicious." Darth added with a bit of a giggle.

"Your imagination did all the work for us." Tak told Zim with a big grin.

"There you have it, Zim. The best joke of all…was the joke that never came. And you know what THAT means…" Lard Nar said with an even bigger grin, Zim scowling as the others in the mess tent all hooted and hollered.

"Take it off, Zim! I wanna see some skin!" Tak laughed, whistling sharply as Zim gave her a dark glare, Dib holding up a small MP3 player as the iconic "stripping on a stage" music began to play, Zim grabbing the bottom of his shirt, working it over his head and off onto the floor.

"Da-da-da-DAAA-DAA-DAHHH! Da-DAAA-DAAA-DAAAAH! Da-dum-da-dum-da-da, DA-DAAH-DAHHH-DAAAAAAAH!" Red and Purple began to harmonize as Zim muttered hateful things under his breath, taking his gloves and boots off one by one before, at long last…

"Now then!" Skoodge proclaimed, giving the TRUE prize to Lard Nar as he stood on the table, towering above Zim, who furiously squatted Indian-style, arms folded across his chest, "harrumphing" as his antennae flattened against his skull.

"We pledge allegieance…to his pants!" Everyone proclaimed as Lard Nar swept the pants back and forth in the air, Dib leading them in a rousing chorus of the new national anthem they'd been forced to learn every day. "Ohhhh say! Can! You! SEEEEEE!"