A/N: So I had a thought… and a week later, it ends up being this piece! It's been awhile since I wrote fanfiction and I missed it so I cranked this out quickly, especially upon hearing that our beloved JoLu had some scenes together recently This is another drabble-esque piece. It actually ended up being longer than I anticipated so yay! Enjoy!
What Would You Say…
It started out innocent enough.
Just a joke between two friends.
"What would you say if I shaved off my hair and got buzz cut?"
The two of them were sitting on the docks, looking at the waves break against the harbor. The sun was out and its warmth felt wonderful on his skin. She looked over at him and laughed. Her cheeks turned a lovely shade of pink as she laughed. Her hand found its way to his and she squeezed it gently.
"I would say don't do it... besides, you've always looked good with your little up-do, Johnny... I don't think you should get rid of it."
"Have you ever thought about cutting your hair, Lulu?"
"A few times... but I don't think I have the face for it."
"I think you do... but I've always been partial to your long hair."
She turned to him and raised one of her perfectly manicured eyebrows, a sly smile creeping across her face, and he couldn't help but to meet hers with one of his own. He loved to push her buttons. It would probably never get old.
"Johnny... are you flirting with me?"
He gasped and covered his mouth, feigning shock, and she swatted him on the shoulder for his outburst, knowing that he was just messing around with her. She would probably never admit it, but he knew that she enjoyed the fact that they had rekindled their friendship. After all, they had been friends before anything had happened.
"I'd never flirt with you..."
"So you don't find me attractive?"
Now that was an absurd comment. She folded her arms across her chest and gave him a look. Yes, she was still as beautiful as she had always been. There was no way that he could ever deny that. She had never stopped being beautiful.
"Now, I never said that..."
"So you were flirting with me!"
He shook his head, laughing heartily. Well, he had riled her up and now he had to suffer the consequences. She could be so maddening sometimes. He didn't even know why he bothered.
"Put it this way, if I was flirting with you, you'd know, Lulu..."
"What would you say if I repainted the Mustang red?"
Lulu's nose wrinkled up at his question and he laughed at her obvious disgust by the mere thought of his yellow Mustang being any other color than yellow. She shook her head and took another swig of beer. Perhaps it was the hazy lights at Jake's or the shots of tequila that they had done earlier or possibly a combination of the two made her eyes sparkle.
"I'd say that would be the worst decision of your life..."
"Really? That bad, huh?"
"Yes... it would be that bad... I would hate you and the car would probably hate you too."
He chuckled as her words began to slur. She wasn't drunk. He had seen her way more wasted than this but she was much more free. Her loose curls hung on her shoulders, stark blond against her black sequined top, and her eyes dark and smoky with bad intentions.
"You would hate me even after you begged me to come out with you to celebrate your independence?"
"Yes... because that car is beautiful and you shouldn't make it change to be something that it isn't..."
"Are we talking about the car or are we talking about you and Dante?"
She gave him a glacial look before knocking back the rest of her beer. She made him swear to not bring up her husband's name while they were out but he couldn't help it. He wanted to know what was going on with her. She was, after all, the only friend that he had left. He couldn't care less about Dante and would happily go over and kick his ass for whatever reason she gave him.
"It's like nothing I ever do is going to be good enough... I'm never going to be that perfect wife that he wants..."
"Forget him... you don't need that. You're perfect just the way you are."
She turned to him and chuckled slightly, just letting the smallest amount of bitterness seep in. He could see that she was on the verge of crying but he knew her so well that he knew that she was trying to hold everything in.
"And are you also going to tell me that the biggest regret of your life was letting me go?"
"Would it make you feel better if I did?"
"Maybe..."
"Well, they do say that hindsight is always 20/20."
And she smiled, the first genuine one all night. She pushed her empty beer bottle away and put her arms around him, hugging him close. He inhaled deeply, taking in her scent. She still wore the same perfume that he had bought her for her birthday years ago when they were together. Although he would never admit it out loud, something in his heart rose.
"Thanks, Johnny..."
"You're welcome, Lulu..."
Yes, it had started out innocent enough.
But grew into something more.
Something more than either of them could've anticipated.
"What would you say if I told you that I was in love with you again?"
His voice was quiet, anticipative even, waiting for her answer. Her body molded against him as he held her. Her skin was sticky and salty beneath his tongue as he placed a lazy kiss onto the back of her shoulder. He felt her body flinch underneath him, still sensitive from their lovemaking. She let out a shaky sigh and turned towards him.
"Dante asked me to move back in with him..."
That made him sit up quickly.
"And you told him no... right?"
"Johnny, it's not that simple..."
He laughed bitterly and shook his head, completely astounded that this was happening to him right now. He swung his legs around, letting his feet hit the floor, and he stood up, sliding back into his black boxer briefs. She rose, gathering the sheets to her chest, never taking her eyes off him, and she sat cross-legged at the edge of the bed. His jaw clenched at the sight of her, wrapped up so beautifully in his bed, hair tousled perfectly and not a smudge of makeup out of place. For a moment, he almost forgot why he was angry with her but quickly regained his ire.
"You're unbelievable, Lulu... un-freaking-believable..."
"Things have changed in the past six months since I left him..."
"Yeah! And the fact that you've been in my bed for the past four of those six months isn't included in that?"
She looked down at her hands, a silent admission that he had a point. It was more than just sex and much more than loneliness. They understood each other better than anyone else. It didn't matter that she had pledged her life to someone else. No one would know her like him and no one would love him like her. It wasn't some sort of territorial claim that he wanted to stake based on his new revelation, it was merely a statement of fact.
"I don't know what to do... I need—I need my friend Johnny right now... not my jealous ex..."
There were tears in her eyes and her voice hitched as she started to sob and he couldn't deny her. He crawled back into bed, wrapping his arms around her, and took her down with him, holding her as close as he could. Her heaving cries slowly began to dissipate in the warm comfort of his arms.
"What is it that you want, Lulu? If you could wake up tomorrow to your perfect situation, what would it be?"
She sighed heavily and his heart clenched, bracing himself for the blow that she was about to deal him. He would have her in any way that she would let him. Sure, it would hurt like hell to lose her to someone else but the way that he loved her wasn't selfish. She buried her face into his chest and she cried again, clutching him close.
"I would want my marriage to work..."
And he closed his eyes and cried with her.
"What would you say if I told you I never wanted to see you again?"
She lifted her head, revealing her red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. His bottom lip quivered but he was so angry. He was angry at her, of course, but he was also angry at himself. Angry because he still couldn't do without her, even after she had chosen another man over him. Angry that he let himself be this weak and helpless at her feet.
"I wouldn't blame you..."
"Were you even going to tell me?"
"Maybe? God, I don't know, Johnny..."
"You don't know? You don't know if you were going tell me that the baby was mine? How long were you planning on waiting?"
She put her face in her hands and wailed. Even still, he wanted to put his arms around her and kiss away the tears in her eyes. If this wasn't love, he didn't know what was. No one could hurt him like this, as deeply as this, and still make him want to take away her pain. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, Johnny... you know that I hate this... I hate hurting you like this! This is why we could never work... we're no good for each other..."
And he kissed her then. His tongue hungrily invaded her mouth and his hands held her face to his. Her hands found their place on the lapels of his jacket, pulling him close, melding their bodies into one. Her stomach was flat against his and his heart was breaking into a thousand pieces. Loving her like this was surely going to kill him.
"We're not good for each other when we lie to one another. When did we get to this point, Lu? You swore to me... when I came to you and asked, you swore that it was Dante's..."
"The baby was the only thing that was keeping our reconciliation together. You know how much I wanted to make it work and Dante was so excited to be a father... I couldn't—I couldn't tell him..."
"You would've let him raise my child?"
The thought sickened him. The years, being on the outside looking in, watching the family that should've been his would have actually been his. He backed away from her until his back pressed against the door of her hotel room. He covered his mouth with his hands and she started towards him but he quickly shook his head. The thought of her near him, touching him, would be the end of him.
"Johnny..."
"You know... before I heard that you lost the baby... all I could think about was how much I wished it had been mine... and that we could've been a family..."
He could barely get the last words out as he choked on his rising sobs. He couldn't do this anymore. As much as he loved her, and he did, he honestly did, it was too painful to be on this merry-go-round of romantic sadism. If he stayed, he'd never get off alive.
"Do you hate me, Johnny?"
"No... but I don't know if I can forgive you for this..."
"What would you say if I told you that I missed you?"
Johnny's eyes were downcast, staring at his interlaced fingers. He had forgotten his gloves at home so the winter air pricked his hands. Snow had blanketed the overlook and it was like they were staring into a idyllic postcard. She scooted in close to him and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him for the first time in months. Even with her winter coat and her scarf on, he could still smell the perfume that he had given her. He buried his nose into her neck and his arms found their way around her waist, pulling her in close.
"I would say that there wasn't a minute that went by that I didn't miss you."
Her voice was soft and sincere, barely higher than a whisper. She had accused him of punishing him by shutting her out but he didn't shut her out. He had locked himself in, tending to those wounds and scars that he never thought he would recover from. He had stopped being angry soon after her revelation but he still had to see her out, wearing another man's ring, receiving condolences from everyone for a child that never existed. No one had asked him how he was dealing with it because no one knew.
No one else knew how much losing the baby hurt him.
"Is that true or are you saying what you think I need to hear?"
"It's the truth, Johnny... I know that you don't trust me anymore but—"
"It's not that I don't trust you, Lulu... look, I've done some messed up things to you too. I'm not perfect. I'm far from perfect... I just—I just needed some time."
"I know... and of course I missed you... regardless of all of the other crap, you're my best friend, Johnny... I missed my best friend."
He put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. He had once told himself that he could settle for any way that he could have her and he wasn't sure if he could do it anymore. He didn't think that he could just be her friend. He wanted all of her or nothing at all. He was tired of being in this hellish limbo, never being important enough for her to change her life around but not so insignificant that she completely severed ties. It was like being revived only to suffer a slow and painful death.
"I missed my best friend too..."
"Can I ask you how you've been doing or is it too soon?"
His mouth twitched into a slight smile, his first in months, and he sighed. It used to be so easy to confide in her, before everything went to hell. Nothing was too dark, too depressing or too horrifying for her. But he couldn't anymore. Things had changed and he couldn't be complacent where he was.
"Your concern for me is adorable..."
"I'm serious, Johnny... are you ok?"
He looked down at her and she stared back up at him in earnest. His arm around her tightened slightly, relishing their reclaimed closeness, knowing that it wasn't going to last. At least he would have this small moment with her before he was gone.
"I'll be fine... eventually."
"What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
He turned to her as the words fell from her lips. The lights in his hospital room were far too bright and his head still hurt from the impact of the car in his accident so perhaps he didn't hear her correctly but the way that she took his hand in hers and kissed his bruised and scraped knuckles, maybe he wasn't mistaken.
"What? What did you say?"
"I asked you what would you say if I asked you to marry me, Johnny?"
"I would say that you're still married."
"And if I told you that I filed for divorce yesterday morning?"
She blinked and tears fell down her face and he could feel his own eyes widen.
"That was before my accident..."
"Yeah... and it serves you right, trying to leave town without me knowing... if you weren't lying here all helpless with a concussion, I'd be yelling at you right now."
He looked down at her hands and noticed that there were two rings that were conspicuously absent from her left hand. His thumb ran over her finger and that's when he broke, coming apart in a fit full of small sobs. Lulu climbed into bed with him, shushing him and peppering soft kisses on his face, taking special care on the bruises and cuts.
"You didn't want me anymore..."
"I've always wanted you, Johnny... I was just—I was just scared. The way that I love you... how much I love you... it scares me."
"You love me?"
He couldn't hide the disbelief in his voice. They had been doing this dance for over a year and a half and he had been in love with her for most of it but he always thought that he was alone in his feelings but he wasn't. She was going to come to him before she found out that he was leaving town, before his car slid off the road...
She was always going to be his.
She pressed her lips to his, smiling and crying at the same time, and she never looked more beautiful to him because she was finally his. His hands were on her arms, soft beneath his touch, and she molded against him as they continued to kiss.
"I do... I do love you... so what do you say? You gonna finally make an honest woman out of me or what?"
He wiped the tears from her eyes and gathered her into his chest, laying back down on his hospital bed. His body still ached from the accident but having her this close was something that he thought he would never have the privilege of doing again. He tilted her chin up so that she was looking straight up at him.
"I guess so..."
It started out innocent enough.
Just a joke between two friends.
Two friends who, through this simple little game, realized that they couldn't do without each other.
FIN