Disclaimer - I do not own Lewis or any of the characters. I am purely borrowing them for fictional story purposes.

James

"Don't struggle with your conscience my darling, none of this was your fault. I can't bear to see you like this when I can't do anything to make you feel better," Jean whispered into his ear as Robbie was occupied for a few minutes on the other side of the office. She knew that he felt personally responsible for the young boy's suicide, felt like he had been too forceful with his questioning, but she had been in the job long enough to know that wasn't the case. Bad things just happened, sometimes in the battle for justice innocent people got hurt, sometimes police officers got hurt. Yet Jean Innocent couldn't stand seeing the love of her life hurting. Since she had fallen in love she had felt so protective of him.

"Will you tell him he isn't to blame Ma'am," Robbie said, walking back over to where they were standing.

"He's right James," she said, trying to keep her tone light and professional, hiding the fact that she just wanted to bundle him into her arms and let him cry quietly. "You really mustn't blame yourself, you did everything right."

"I wish I could believe that" James murmured, the battle raging inside him evident from the troubled expression on his young face.

Jean tried to catch his eye and when she succeeded she gestured subtly towards her office. He knew that this meant that he needed to give her a few minutes and then he was to make an excuse to join her there.

Even the way he knocked on the door saddened her heart. "Come in" she called, smiling sympathetically when he entered, and he closed the door carefully, taking the seat across the desk from her.

"James, don't punish yourself like this. It is breaking my heart to watch you blaming yourself for something that was so out of your control. We can't make decisions for other people, we can only do what we think is right and to try to get justice for those who deserve it." She reached out and took his hand, glancing around to make sure the blinds were closed, and rubbed her thumb gently against his.

"Jean, I seem to spend so much of my life feeling guilty. Guilty for driving a young boy to suicide, guilty for sleeping with another man's wife, guilty for lying to my closest friend and colleague."

She stared back at him as the words filtered through, making her heart ache just a little bit more. "Are you saying the guilt of what we are doing is too much for you?" she dreaded the answer he was going to give, but needed to ask the question.

"No...yes...I don't know..." he trailed off, lowering his head as he spoke.

"Look at me, James. I can't listen to this, I can't lose you. You mean everything to me. I am the one who should be feeling guilty, I'm the one who is messing everyone about, you included." Her usually controlled voice began to crack, just a little, and she took a deep breath in order to compose herself enough to carry on. "Look, we need to talk about this properly, but I'll leave Richard, I'll tell him that I can't carry on and then we can be together. I'll even leave this place if I have to. Just please don't tell me you want to finish things, I couldn't bear that."

"I was going to enter the priesthood and now look at me." He looked up at her for the first time since starting this and the pleading look in her eyes made his heart ache. "I couldn't finish things, even if I wanted to. I am so in love with you I can hardly breathe when you are in the same room as me. My life is only worth living because you are in it, but I don't want to feel guilty all the time. I don't want to feel that what I'm doing will result in other people's misery."

She sighed, "I understand that darling, I really do. Like I said, I'll sort things out. When you said 'I don't know' and I thought you were going to end things, it felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest. I don't want you to feel guilty anymore. Please trust me to put things right now James, you've been patient and waited for me for long enough."

He forced a small smile and looked across at the woman he loved. He didn't want to put pressure on her but they had been living a lie for so long now he had forgotten what honesty was. Sneaking around behind people's backs was not his style and he found it so hard to fend Robbie off at times. He had to turn down drinks at the pub, pretend he was engrossed in a current book or that he was simply tired, in order to carry on his affair. Robbie spent so much time with both of them and he felt awful that they were hiding such a secret from him. This was the worst guilt of all for James. To some extent he could cope with the guilt of carrying on behind Richard Innocent's back, he didn't really know the man and didn't have to face him on a daily basis, but Robbie was like a father to him, someone who had been there through thick and thin.

"I need to be able to tell Robbie," he said quietly.

Jean nodded but looked anxious. "I do understand James but let's make sure we have thought it all through, and decided on the best way to sort it all out to minimise the problems that will inevitably be caused."

He nodded and stood up from his seat, "we'll talk later then." He made his way towards the door.

"James..."

He turned back towards her.

"No more guilty feelings, ok."

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