No
No No No
Not real, not happening.
Spike watched as Xander stumbled toward Willow and the safety of her barrier spell. He was completely unaware of the Fyarl demon behind him, the demon whose ax was whistling through the air towards Xander's neck even as Spike watched, too far away to get there in time.
He froze as metal hit flesh, severing Xander's head from his body. He saw the blood; he saw the head come flying towards him, the vacant brown eyes that had only moment before been full of concern for his friends. Dead eyes that stared up at him and...
Thwap!
The Slayer, who had been closer than Spike, managed to get there in time. Her sword deflected the ax and she quickly gutted the demon. Xander, still oblivious, made it to the protection of Willow's spell. Spike's vision had been just that, a vision. For a brief moment he'd been so sure that he was going to lose Xander that he'd seen as if it had really happened.
He took an unneeded breath to steady himself. Still shaken, he tightened his hand on his sword. Fear morphed into anger and he looked around at the fight, which was still raging. Taking one last look to see that Xander was okay, Spike threw himself back into the fray.
*****
"Xander"
"Yeah Spike?"
"I saw you die tonight luv."
Xander looked up from his newspaper, the funnies section, and looked at Spike, confusion clouding his features.
"Come again?"
"I saw it, clear as day, I saw that demon slice your head off right in front of me." Staring at the wall, Spike's expression was unreadable.
"Oookay, but Spike, my head is still on. Or, wait," Xander put his hands on his neck and felt around, "nope, definitely still attached." He gave Spike a goofy smile, thinking he knew where this conversation was going and really hoping he was wrong. Even in the beginning of their relationship, when they hadn't known how serious it was going to get, when they hadn't known that they would fall in love, both Spike and Xander had studiously ignored the elephant in the room. They never talked about it, they never acknowledged it, they never made plans for more than a few months in advance. There was no subject more taboo than that of Xander's mortality. Frankly, Xander had hoped that denial would have lasted them a couple more years, but life on a Hellmouth drastically lowered a person's life expectancy, and he supposed that he'd been lucky that it had taken this long after all.
Spike kept staring at Xander intently. "Luv, you could have died today."
Xander's smile faded, yep, they were really talking about this. "But I didn't Spike, I'm still here."
"It was too bloody close! If the Slayer had been even the tiniest bit slower, or farther away or if you had taken an extra second to…" Spike trailed off. He knelt down in front of where Xander was sitting on the couch and put his hands on Xander's knees, gripping tightly. "I can't lose you Xan, I can't. You can't leave me here alone. I love you, I'll do anything for you, anything to keep you with me. Please, stay with me!"
Xander knew what Spike was offering, asking for, begging for. He wanted Xander forever, and really Xander wanted that too, but he didn't have forever. He had maybe sixty to seventy years if his family history was anything to go by. "Spike…"
"Let me turn you luv, please, Xander, let us have forever." Spike looked into Xander's eyes, willing him to see the desperation and love that filled them. "I can't watch you die."
Xander swallowed around the lump in his throat and spoke, "I'll be more careful, I won't patrol as much, I'll try an-"
"No!" Spike shook his head, "it's not just patrol, not just demons. It's the fear that fills up my insides when you get a cold, or sprain your ankle, or that someday I'll wake up to a head full of grey hair and you'll be that much closer to gone." Blue eyes shined with unshed tears as they pleaded with Xander.
"You think it doesn't scare me Spike, growing old? You think I wouldn't love to travel the world with you for eternity? You think I want to leave you? I don't!" Xander dropped his head into his hands, "but I can't Spike. I can't be a killer. I won't."
Spike leaned forward and rested his forehead against his hands on Xander's knees. The next words were spoken softly, "you wouldn't care if you were a demon, luv."
Xander's reply came just as quiet, "I care now Spike."
Abruptly Spike stood up, and he fixed his eyes somewhere behind Xander's head. "Fine. I get it. I understand." He walked stiffly away, grabbing his duster off the back of a chair and slamming his way out of the apartment.
Staring at the abandoned newspaper next to him, he thought hard. He'd meant what he said, he didn't want to be a killer, but he loved Spike. Spike, who'd had everybody in his life, and unlife, leave him. Could he do that to his lover? Could he essentially abandon him here on earth as his soul went somewhere else? And the things Spike said, together forever, travel the world, be happy. Xander had to admit, it was all so very tempting. He felt like Eve with her apple, except the snake was the love of his life, and the apple was everything he ever wanted.
It was a hard choice, and if he knew Spike (and he did), Spike wasn't just going to let this go. Could he hold out, stay strong in his decision? Xander searched within himself, mentally prodding his resolve, looking for weak spots, and he realized something.
He wanted Spike, he loved Spike. He would do whatever he could to make Spike happy. Eventually, somewhere down the line, he would agree. He would let Spike turn him; it was only a matter of time.
Xander took a moment to fully absorb this personal epiphany.
…
Moment taken, he picked up the phone to call Willow. If he was gonna get vamped, maybe she could make sure he wouldn't kill anyone.
In his mind he reached up and plucked the apple from the tree.
*~*~*
Xander dialed Willow's number and lifted the phone to his ear. Three rings later he heard a soft click followed shortly by a cheerful but tired, "hello?"
"Hey Wills, it's me, we need to talk."
Twenty minutes later he was ensconced on one side of a back booth at the coffee shop around the corner, staring at his mocha wondering how he was going to tell Willow about his decision. For her part, Willow sat opposite him, her hands curled around a mug of Earl Grey.
"Okay Xan, I came because you sounded really serious on the phone, and you're my best friend, but it's been a really long day…and night, with school and demon battling and everything, so if you're not gonna talk now can we do this sometime when it's not 'oh god o'clock'?"
Xander sighed and took a sip of his coffee. Setting his cup down he looked at Willow. "Spike said I almost died tonight."
Willow grimaced, "yeah, I saw that. It was close, but Buffy had your back."
"Yeah, except…Spike…he doesn't, he…" Xander floundered, searching for words. "He really freaked out, and we ended up talking, well, it was more like Spike was begging and I was crying and…he asked if he could turn me." Xander ran his right hand through his hair, still holding his coffee with his left. "He wants to turn me."
Willow gasped, "Oh goddess!"
"Wills" Xander said before Willow could overcome the shock of the last statement and launch into babble mode. "I want him to." He met her eyes, wanting her to see the truth in them. He wanted this, for Spike, for himself, but most of all for both of them together.
Her eyes widened at his revelation. "Xander…"
"I know, I know, you don't have to go over all the reasons I shouldn't do it. Or even all the reasons I shouldn't even want it in the first place, I know I'm sitting here right now telling you that I want to become the evil undead, what we've been fighting against for years now. But Wills, that's not what I want. I want to be undead, but not evil, and I thought if anyone could make me not evil it would be you, and so I'm telling you, and you're staring at me, and I haven't even told Spike yet, and stop me when I stop making sense, unless that already happened a while ago. You probably think I'm crazy, maybe I am crazy." Xander had to stop for breath.
The epiphany he'd had back in his apartment had filled him with a certainty that this was the path he wanted. He'd felt totally calm, totally confident, totally sure. Now, he still felt sure that he wanted this, but little butterflies were waking up in his stomach.
"Xander, calm down, breathe," Willow smiled a little "you're not dead yet."
Letting out a small bark of laughter at that comment, Xander shut up.
"I get it. I do." A look of sadness crossed her face, "If I could have kept Tara with me forever, I would have."
"Wills…"
"I'll help you. You love each other, anyone can see it. You deserve to be happy." Willow reached over and took Xander's hand. "You're my best friend; I'd do anything for you."
"You will?" Xander was a little dumbstruck. He'd expected a long drawn-out conversation about pros and cons complete with groveling, at the least. The instant approval and agreement threw him. "I don't have to like…convince you or anything? I had a speech. Well, not really, but I was prepared to wing it with speechy-ness."
"No speeches necessary. I'm in, especially with the you-not-being-evil part. I don't want my Xander-shaped friend to become Xander-shaped evil."
They smiled at each other, neither speaking, in silent appreciation of the strength of their friendship. After a few minutes Xander broke the silence and spoke. "So any ideas on how to keep me from, you know, killing people?"
Willow frowned, her gaze focused inward. She made a little "hmm" sound that always indicated she was thinking extra hard about something.
"Would snacks help? Can't think on an empty stomach, and the cuisine here at Casa de Coffee is actually pretty good. They have awesome banana nut muffins."
"No thanks. I should get going anyway. I have class tomorrow, or today actually, and some sleep before then might be nice." Willow shouldered her purse and made to stand up.
"So, is that a no on the ideas-to-keep-Xander-from-eating-people front?" Xander asked, a little nervously.
"I have some ideas, but there's a lot of research to be done before I can even start to know for sure. I'll let you know as soon as I find anything."
Xander quickly slid out of the booth and pulled Willow into a big hug. "Thanks Wills." Willow just gave him an extra squeeze and let go. Turning, she left the coffee shop and Xander sat back down to his now room temperature mocha.
Happy that Willow was in his corner, he wondered what the reactions of the others would be. Most of all, he wondered if he should tell Spike what he'd decided right away, or wait until Willow had more information for him. Spike would be ecstatic at the news, but he would be impatient. Xander knew how Spike thought. The sooner Xander was a vampire, the sooner Spike wouldn't have to worry about car accidents or wrinkles. Not that Spike wouldn't love him if he had wrinkles, but any signs of aging on Xander's part caused the vampire to panic. Spike had spent the weeks before and after Xander's last birthday in a major funk, and had given him a helmet as a present (along with something else, which had cool whip involved) to wear when driving, "just in case."
Draining the last dregs of his coffee, Xander made his way to the exit. Whether he told Spike about his decision or not, he couldn't leave things the way they were. Spike had stormed out of the apartment, angry and afraid. Xander would wait for him to come back home, and then they would talk. Though maybe some sleep first would be a good idea.
Though, Xander reflected, if sleep was what he wanted, maybe he shouldn't have ordered that extra espresso shot.
*~*~*
Spike took one last drag of his cigarette and flicked it onto the ground. He was sitting on a swing in the middle of a playground. Alone, because mostly there were only demons out at this time of night and they didn't tend to hang out in playgrounds. He stared ahead blankly, deep in thought.
When he'd stormed out of the apartment earlier that night he'd been more hurt and afraid than angry. He'd told Xander that he understood, and he did, as much as he was capable of understanding without a soul of his own. That didn't ease the potency of the other feelings though. Like hurt that Xander wouldn't even consider being turned, after all, how much could Spike mean to him if he wouldn't even pause to think about it?
Spike shook his head sharply, as if doing so would physically dispel that thought. Xander was the conqueror of Spike's heart, and wow was that cheesy. Inwardly Spike snorted at his own poufy tendencies. He and Xander had been through too much together to start doubting their commitment now. And really, he knew that wasn't true, Xander had paused, had apparently thought about it a lot, and chosen to stay human. He had opted for mortality.
More fool him. Anger flared in Spike, briefly, before just as quickly dying out. There was no energy to sustain it, and as it subsided the fear made its presence known.
What was it that Xander always said? Fear is the mind killer*. Xander believed in facing your fears, though he made a special exception for clowns, claiming that it was his sense of self-preservation that made him squeal like that. Spike had teased Xander mercilessly and chuckled over that all the way home that night, forcing Xander to find a creative way to shut him up. Which he had, turning Spike's chuckles into gasps and moans. However Spike wasn't sure if he was ready to face this fear. Ready or not though, it was refusing banishment to the back of his mind anymore, forcing itself into the forefront of Spike's thoughts.
Fear that he would have to watch Xander die, fear that he wouldn't be able to, wouldn't be strong enough. He had nightmares sometimes, of Xander's death. Each time would be different, maybe this time Xander would get sick and waste away, or bleed out from some wound, or get drained by a fledge, or fall off a building at one of his construction sites. Spike had been around a long time, seen a lot of people die. His unconscious had plenty of material to torture him with while he was sleeping. The dreams all had two things in common though, Xander died, and Spike watched.
In the dreams he was always helpless, unable to move. He would shout, yell, scream, but no one ever heard him. When he woke up after having one of these nightmares, he would do different things. Sometimes he would watch TV, letting the pictures wash over him and give himself up to mindlessness. Occasionally he would slip out of the apartment and try to find something to kill. On very rare occasions he would turn over and gently wake Xander up. Nuzzling, fondling, and stroking him until Xander's eyes opened and he was fully aware of what was happening. Then they would have sex, and if Spike seemed a little needier, or if his declarations of love were a little more desperate, Xander never commented on it.
It all came down to fear. The Big Bad was afraid. Terrified actually, and the only solution he had was really no solution at all, but since it was all he had, he clung to it. He had even considered, if only for a moment, turning Xander without his permission. It's not like he would care once he woke up.
It wasn't what Xander wanted though, and in reality, it wasn't what Spike wanted either. The problem was that if he turned Xander, he wouldn't really be Xander anymore. He would lose his soul to a demon, and though it would be Xander's face and Xander's body, it was his soul that Spike had fallen in love with. In all his years Spike had never encountered such a mixture of innocence, purity, kindness, darkness, loyalty, and ruthlessness. Xander's soul loved and accepted Spike's demon with no reservations. He loved Spike with a selflessness that couldn't be found in the demon world. Demons could love with single-minded intensity, but they couldn't love selflessly. Spike could admit that he himself was no exception. He loved Xander with every part of himself, but part of his love was selfish, because Xander gave him something he'd never had. Never in his unlife had anyone that he had loved returned his love and loyalty as fiercely as he gave it, but Xander did. Without that…
Spike lit another cigarette and put his Zippo back in his duster pocket. He already knew what was going to happen. He would abide by his lover's decision, because really, he couldn't do anything else. He would stay with Xander until Xander was no more. He would do this despite knowing that it would hurt, that the fear would never go away, that the end was coming eventually no matter what. Spike wasn't the leaving kind. He'd never left anyone one he truly cared about. Not his mother, not Dru, Angelus had left him; he'd even kept tabs on Cecily through the years.
Of all of them Xander was the only one who had ever truly loved Spike back, and Xander meant more to him than all of them combined. So because Spike loved him, he would watch him die.
Standing up and heading back towards the apartment, his usual swagger was conspicuously absent. The decision had been made by both Xander and the circumstances of this universe. Where demons couldn't have souls and humans had to die, and only brief happiness laced with suffering for two who would fall in love.
*~*~*
Xander was sitting in the same spot on the couch that he had been earlier that night. His elbow was on the arm rest supporting his forearm and hand, which was propping up his head. He was tired, he hadn't slept since the previous morning, and dawn was only a few minutes away. Lack of sleep combined with the emotional turmoil he'd been through tonight was taking its toll. Closed eyes flew open as he heard the doorknob turn, and he watched Spike open the door and enter the apartment.
Staring as Spike closed and locked the door behind him and made his way to the couch. Xander studied him; he looked tired too. There was no more anger in his eyes, but his face and body language gave off a feeling of resigned sadness. Knowing that it was his fault his vampire was sad made Xander's heart clench. As Spike sat down on the couch next to him, relaxing his head against the back of couch and closing his eyes, Xander wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug him. However the air was tense with all that had already been said, and so much hadn't been. Xander was too tired broach the painful subject now, and he could see his own exhaustion reflected in Spike, so he decided to save more talking for tomorrow.
Summoning what was left of his energy Xander pushed himself up off the couch, groaning, and reached a hand out to Spike. "Tired?" A rhetorical question, since the answer was obvious.
Spike, after a long sigh, answered anyway, "yeah." He took Xander's hand and let him pull him off the cushions. Keeping their hands still clasped they slowly walked into their bedroom, and together collapsed onto the bed. Arranging themselves so that Spike was on his back, with Xander draped over his chest, they both slid quickly into sleep.
*****
Normally Saturdays were spent with all activities centering on or around the bed. They slept in, had breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, and dinner too unless they went out. Spike would be a bad vampire and ravish him (okay, not that Xander didn't enjoy being the ravish-ee, cause he so totally did) Maybe watch a movie in bed since he bought that new DVD player last month. Sometimes they would read in bed, or they would just cuddle up and talk.
This Saturday was different though. This time they both woke up and immediately tensed, remembering the night before. Unwilling to face the day yet, they feigned sleep together, neither one was fooled, but the ruse was kept. Until, that is, the call of nature could no longer be denied. With a sigh, Xander rolled off the bed and trudged off to the bathroom. When he returned, Spike's eyes were open, it was time to talk.
Or they could procrastinate a little more, "breakfast?"
Spike studied him for a moment, "Yeah."
Heading to the Kitchen, he heard Spike get out of bed and start after him. They didn't have much in the way of food, Xander had been too busy this week to do any real shopping, and Spike didn't cook so he never really thought about stocking the fridge, though he did go shopping if Xander asked him to. Pulling out a bowl, spoon and a box of cheerios he set them on the table. Then he went back to the fridge to get the milk, snagging a bag of blood for Spike since he was there. Spike had retrieved his "blood mug," one of those extra large mugs that are big enough to make soup in. It was black, and had the words BIG BAD in red wrapped around it. Xander had painted it himself at one of those do-it-yourself pot painting places and given it to Spike for Christmas.
Handing the blood bag to Spike, he sat down at the table and poured his milk and cereal into the bowl, stirring it around. He heard the microwave ding, and a few seconds later Spike was sitting across from him, holding his reheated blood. They ate quietly for a few minutes, enjoying the silence. When Xander finished off all the cheerios in his bowl, he lifted it up to his mouth, intending to slurp up the remaining milk. Instead, he misjudged the distance somehow, and ended up spilling the milk down his chin and the front of his shirt. Slowly setting the bowl back down, he realized that he was still wearing the same clothes as yesterday. He and Spike had been too tired to get undressed last night when they collapsed into bed.
Hearing a noise, Xander lifted his gaze from his wet shirt to Spike's face. Spike was trying to suppress his amusement, but the result was a sound halfway between a cough and a snort. When he looked at Xander's face he gave it up as a lost cause and broke out into laughter, with Xander right behind him. Alternately clutching the table and their stomachs, they laughed until it hurt, and then laughed some more.
A minute later found them trying to stop laughing, but one look at each other and they would start again.
Finally they managed to get themselves under control, and they felt much better. It was like some of the tension had been released. Shaking his head and smirking, Spike spoke, "Bloody hell Xan, only you pet." Then, giving Xander's shirt a once over, added, "you look like you could use a shower luv."
"You're not exactly minty fresh either mister." Xander shot back.
"You go get cleaned up, and I'll do the dishes." Spike grabbed his mug and Xander's bowl and headed toward the sink.
"Yeah, okay." Getting up and walking toward the bathroom, Xander hesitated at the doorway, "Spike." Seeing Spike look at him he said, "When I get out, we should talk."
A serious look came over Spike's face and he nodded, "yeah, we should."
Xander headed off to take his shower.
*~*~*
Twenty minutes later Xander was finished with his shower and Spike was done with the mundane chores in the kitchen. They'd both changed into sweat pants and were shirtless; it was Saturday after all, why not be comfortable?
Lying on top of the covers, Xander was snuggled up to Spike, back to front, and Spike had his arms wrapped around him. They both needed the comfort of each other's touch for the upcoming discussion, but thought it would be best to not be face to face.
"So…" Xander started, "do you think we can talk about this without bursting into unmanly tears?"
Spike snorted into Xander's hair, "I'm not the one with over active tear ducts mate."
"Hey," Xander protested, "excuse me, but who was the one crying when we watched Mask?"
Spike countered quickly, "Who was the one who rented the bloody movie in the first place? It was as bad as that sodding Beaches movie!" He shifted uncomfortably, "not that I've seen that it or anything."
"Yeah, you so have. I bet you cried too. I can see it now, the Big Bad with an empty box of tissues and the chick flick to end all chick flicks." Xander chuckled at the image, "and for the record, Buffy told me that movie was about zombies, I didn't know it wasn't until I'd already brought it home."
Nuzzling his face into the back of Xander's neck, Spike sighed, "my gullible Scooby." His arms tightened their hold around Xander briefly, and just like that the tone of the conversation changed from teasing to serious. "I never want to let you go, but…" hesitating, he blinked back tears; guess Xander was right about him after all. Xander reached up with one arm and gave Spike's hand a reassuring squeeze. "But I did some thinking last night, and…I…will." He took a deep breath to steady himself, "I heard what you said, and as much as I want to be selfish and keep you with me, you wouldn't be the same as a demon. I'd still love you, but you wouldn't be the same." After placing a small kiss on Xander's shoulder, he continued, "I'll love you till the day I'm dust, and some gray hair won't change that. I'll stay with you till your last breath luv."
Xander felt a cool tear hit his skin, and was having trouble fighting off tears of his own. Spike had just agreed to watch his lover slowly waste away and die. That wasn't how others might see it, of course, but to a vampire old age and death were unnecessary. To Spike, it was like letting his lover refuse treatment for a curable, but deadly, disease. They just lay there for a few minutes, absorbing and processing Spike's revelation.
Then Xander drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I love you too Spike, and I want to be with you." Though Xander couldn't actually see it, he could picture Spike's eyebrows draw together in confusion. "I meant what I said, I won't be a killer, but I talked to Willow and she said she try to help us figure something out. If there's anywhere in the world where it would be possible for me to be me and be with you forever its gotta be the Hellmouth, right?" He thought it was best not to tell Spike that he would probably let him turn him anyway until they'd exhausted all other options.
Spike had gone very still, he was stunned. The night before had convinced him that what he wanted was impossible, and now Xander was telling him that it may be possible. Suddenly his mind finished its joyous 180 degree turn around and he sat up in the bed and pushed Xander onto his back, leaning down for a kiss that was meant to tell Xander exactly how much this meant to him. He pulled back for a moment, just long enough to ask "really?" and to hear Xander's response.
"Really," Xander's echoing answer was both heartfelt and determined.
The rest of the day was spent showing and telling each other precisely how much each partner's sacrifice had meant.
At the end of the day Spike was the one laying with his back to Xander's chest, except this time they were in the bathtub. Both reveling in the heat of the water, they felt, relaxed, sated and happy. Now that they knew what they wanted, which was an immortal, but not immoral, Xander, they only had to find a way to get it. A seemingly unachievable goal, but as two people who had seen the impossible on numerous occasions, it didn't discourage them.
The answer was out there somewhere, and they would find it.
*~*~*
Eight months later, and Willow came through for them. She bounced into their bedroom, wearing the same clothes as the day before, with big circles under her eyes and a grin lighting up her face.
"Hey Wills, isn't it a bit early for visits?" Xander asked sleepily. It was far too early to be up on a Saturday. He and Spike were still in bed, covered by the blankets thankfully, since they both normally slept naked. Spike was still asleep, and Xander was glad Willow's entrance into the apartment hadn't woken him. Vampires were not morning people, really really not, in a broken crockery, dented doors, and shredded couch cushions way. There was no way Xander was going to get a repeat of the pre-noon Spike show.
Right now Willow looked ready to burst into full on babble, which made Xander momentarily regret giving her a key. He made a shushing gesture, but Willow didn't catch it. "I'm your new favorite person! Well, I mean I was your best friend, so I was already one of your favorite people, but once I tell you what I have to tell you I'll definitely be at the top of your list." How she managed to talk while still wearing such a huge smile Xander would never know. "I'll be at the top of Spike's list too, which I probably wasn't before, but I will be now!"
Suddenly a growl filled the room, emanating from the still prone form of Spike lying on his stomach, his head facing away from them. "If you two don't sodding shut up, I will rip out both of your tongues and shove them down each other's throats!" Xander and Willow exchanged a glance, and Willow scurried out of the bedroom, shutting the door gently behind her. Xander eased himself out from under the covers and slipped on some sweatpants and a t-shirt. Then he lay back on the bed next to Spike above the blankets and nuzzled his neck.
"Spike," he whispered, "I think you should get up." A growl was the only answer he received. He placed a small kiss between Spike's shoulder blades, "whatever brought Willow here so early might be important." A louder growl this time. "Please?"
Spike heaved a deep sigh, purely for theatrical effect since he didn't need to breathe, and lifted his head from the pillow. "You'll owe me some serious sexual favors for this." Xander grinned and got up off the bed, tossing Spike some pants.
"You name it, I'll do it." He said smiling, as Spike extracted himself from the blankets and pulled on the pants. His hair was mussed and his reluctance was clear in his expression.
"Bloody right you will; it's soddin' unnatural for a vamp to be up this early!" Finally decent he stood up and headed to the door, opening it with slightly more force than necessary. "Okay witch, what do you want?" He called out as he walked to the living room, Xander following behind.
Willow walked out of the kitchen; she'd apparently taken it upon herself to make coffee for all of them. She set down three mugs of caffeine goodness on the coffee table and set herself down in the armchair while Spike and Xander took the couch. Being booted from the bedroom hadn't dampened her mood any, she was still grinning ear to ear.
"Okay you guys, you ready for this?" They both nodded. "I found the answer. I found the right spell! I can do it!" She was practically bouncing in her seat as she told them her news.
"Found, you found a spell? Like what we've been looking for?" Xander asked hesitantly, wanting it to be true, but not wanting to get his hopes up.
"Yes, it's perfect, it will do what you want it to with no nasty side effects or booby-traps like a happiness clause." She was still grinning, and now Spike and Xander were too.
"Really, you sure?" Spike double checked.
"Yep!" There was literal bouncing now, and she was in danger of falling out of the chair.
"Well, I guess that's news worth getting up for," Spike grinned and turned to give an equally smiley-faced Xander a kiss.
"I'm glad you think so," Willow laughed, "I'm just gonna go, um, somewhere else now." The two lovebirds were showing no signs of coming up for air anytime soon. "I'll come by tonight and we can go out and celebrate, and I'll tell you about the details for the spell."
Xander pulled away from Spike long enough to say "sounds good Wills, and thanks, for everything." She nodded and let herself out of the apartment as Spike hauled Xander back to the bedroom for a more immediate and personal celebration.
*~*~*
Spike and Xander watched together as Willow lit a circle of candles on the floor of their apartment. Once Willow had told them what her plan was, they'd taken a week to do all things on Xander's "things I want to do before I die" list. Since unlike most people, Xander intended to still be around once he was dead, the things on his list were exclusively things he wouldn't be able to do as a vampire. They'd spent most of the week in the Caribbean, with Spike watching tv as Xander went snorkeling, played volleyball on the beach and just generally soaking up the last rays of the sun he'd ever be able to enjoy. This morning Xander had gone outside to watch the sunrise, coming back in with a bittersweet smile on his face. Spike knew that Xander didn't have any reservations about doing this. He wanted to stay with Spike forever, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to miss the sun.
Now it was time. Everyone was here, Buffy, Giles, Dawn, Willow and of course Spike. Spike and Willow were participating in the turning, the others were here to say goodbye, and hello again.
The Spell itself was pretty straight forward; the tricky part was whether or not Xander could do his part. Spike was sure that he could, but he still worried that something might go wrong. He thought about how Willow had explained everything.
"Okay, well the spell is going to trap Xander's soul when it leaves his body. Then it will trap the demon as it tries to enter his body. Now, you know you can't just have a soul in a dead body, because it's the demon's magic that animates it. So the spell holds both the soul and the demon in like a spiritual holding area. Then, and this is the part you might not like, the soul and the demon have to, sort of, come to an agreement about who's in charge. That's the hard part. The demon is automatically going to see Xander's soul as inferior. Stop growling Spike; I didn't say it was inferior, just that the demon will see it that way. So Xander's going to have to convince it otherwise. On the spiritual plain the demon won't have any special upgrade like extra strength or anything, they'll be equal. It's all about who wants it more. Assuming Xander wins, the demon should make room for him in the body, ceding control. However, if Xander doesn't force the demon to let him in he'll just stay in the holding area until the vamp rises at which point the spell will be released and he'll go on to whatever heaven dimension he's destined for."
Willow motioned them over, to the middle of the circle. All the candles were now lit, their flickering light the only illumination in the room. She handed Xander a knife and stepped out of the circle. The knife was for Xander to make the cut into his neck. Spike couldn't bite him because of the chip, and he deeply regretted that his boy wouldn't die by his fangs.
Spike and Xander shared a deep kiss, full of the myriad of feelings they couldn't say out loud. The Xander stepped back and brought the knife to his own throat, grimacing as he slashed it across. Not too deep, but deep enough. At the sight of Xander's blood Spike's gameface emerged and he brought his arms around Xander to hold him as he latched his mouth onto the cut. Carefully he lowered them both down until they were both lying on the floor, Xander on the bottom with Spike covering him. Spike drank deeply, savoring this last taste of Xander's living blood. After his turning the blood would still taste like Xander, but it would no longer have that zing of life. He felt Xander's heart start to slow and stutter, and quickly brought his wrist up to his own mouth, which left Xander's neck, to open a vein with his fangs. Pressing the new wound to Xander's lips and willing him to drink.
He did. He drank until his heart finally stopped. Then Spike removed his wrist and planted a chaste kiss on Xander's forehead. "It's up to you now luv, see you on the other side."
Slowly he got up and stepped out of the circle. Willow was waiting with a bandage for his wrist, and then they settled in to watch Xander's body, and to be there to see who exactly would rise. Would it be pure demon, with none of his beautiful boy left, warping those familiar features into a parody of the goodness and light that Spike was used to seeing in Xander's face? Or would it he Xander, with a demon upgrade sure, but still the same in essence. They were all hoping for the latter, but Spike knew Buffy had Mr. Pointy with her, just in case.
Five sets of eyes watched Xander's corpse, waiting.
*~*~*
Xander felt the moment he died, he felt himself, his soul, detach from his body. He felt his essence, what made him who he was leave behind his mortal coil. He drifted up, feeling loose and free. There was something calling him, pulling him, something good. It felt warm and happy and comfortable, and he wanted to go there.
Except he couldn't. He came up against some force, a bubble, keeping him here, next to his body. Why? He wanted to go to that place. He tried to push his way out of the bubble, but it stayed strong and trapped him. Then another being entered the bubble.
It was, evil, angry, malicious, and judging by the way it thrashed against the barrier of the bubble, it too was trapped. As it realized it couldn't escape it calmed somewhat, and then turned its attention toward Xander. They studied each other, feeling each other out.
The demon was full of hunger, lust, and evil. However it was a young demon, and also had an ingrained desire to please its sire. The inability to get to the body that was waiting for it made the demon anxious, sure that its failure would not please the sire. Xander could sense this anxiousness, and knew that the sire was Spike. Spike who he loved, and who loved him. He didn't want this demon to have Spike, Spike was his!
He shoved images of himself and Spike together at the demon, claiming ownership of sire. He and Spike on one of their lazy Saturday mornings, having breakfast in bed. Times he had made Spike laugh, his face transforming into an expression that looked too joyful to belong to a demon. Flashes of Spike nursing Xander back to health when he'd been sick, the look of concern unmistakable.
The images made the demon angry. Who was this human soul who thought to claim his sire? The sire was his! The demon sent back pure possessiveness at Xander, telling him in no uncertain terms that sire would never belong to a pathetic human soul.
Xander responded with memories of Spike patrolling with him and the Scoobies. Dusting other vampires side by side with the Slayer. Running to Xander's rescue whenever he got into trouble.
The new images distressed the demon; the sire was killing its own kind. The sire was choosing this human over his brethren. Sensing the demon's confidence wavering, Xander pressed his advantage, shoving even more images at the demon with the thought that Spike would not accept the demon without Xander. That sire didn't want him. Sire wanted the human, and the demon should give sire what he wanted. Sire wanted the human soul, sire wanted Xander.
Under the onslaught of Xanders memories and emotions, and due to its own desire to please its sire, the demon capitulated. Sire wanted Xander, so Xander would be in charge once they entered the body.
*~*~*
The crowd around Xander's body saw none of the action on the spiritual plane. The simply watched the corpse, and waited. The amount of time a new fledge took to rise varied greatly, dependent upon many factors. When Xander didn't rise that night, everyone went their separate ways as vampires never rose during the day.
Spike didn't leave though; he kept vigil by the body. Willow brought him some blood to drink, and he absently sipped at it, lost in his thoughts. Dawn came by and tried to talk to him, to get his mind off of his fears that Xander would not win his battle with the demon spirit. Or worse, that he didn't want to stay with Spike enough to fight to stay. Intellectually, he knew that Xander loved him, and would fight for him, but the longer it took for his childe to rise, the more his uncertainty grew.
When sundown rolled around again the room was once again full of Scoobies. As the last bit of sunlight disappeared they all watched Xander's body expectantly, but were disappointed when he didn't stir even a little. They settled down to wait another night.
Around 2:55am Xander opened his eyes. Spike was the first one to notice since he had hardly taken his eyes off Xander since the whole thing began. He sat up and went immediately to Xander's side, knelt next to him and took his hand. "Luv?" The rest of the group was alerted by Spike's movement and watched anxiously from the sidelines.
Xander smiled up at him and replied, "Sire." At that Buffy stood up, her grip tightening on her stake. Spike swiftly moved to stand over Xander, a growl in his throat. Buffy wouldn't stake him without a fight. "No, guys, it's okay, it's me."
Neither of them backed down, but Dawn squealed "Xander!" and darted over to give him a hug hard enough that it was a good thing he no longer needed to breathe.
Buffy asked calmly, "how do we know he's telling the truth, that's it's really our Xander?"
"Because he said so!" Spike didn't move from his spot, still guarding Xander, who at this point was sitting up with one arm around Dawn's shoulders.
Willow stepped up, "hey, guys, you didn't think that I already thought of that?" She held up a vial of white liquid that seemed to shimmer. "This is an animus ostendo sum* potion, when ingested by someone with a soul it makes their eyes glow. If they don't have one, their eyes turn black." She held out the vial towards Xander and he stood up to take it.
He lifted the potion up briefly as if in a toast and said "bottoms up." He poured it into his mouth and swallowed it all in one gulp. A few seconds later his eyes started to emit a soft glow, and Buffy dropped her stake with a clunk and grabbed him in a big hug. She was followed by everyone else and the group hug went on for a good five minutes with several tears being shed.
Finally Spike had had enough of everyone else horning in on his time with Xander, and kicked them all, politely, out of the room with a shouted "Oi, get out!" He did give Willow a kiss on the cheek in thanks though. Once they were gone he turned to Xander and touched his face with his hands, bringing their foreheads together. "Forever pet, now we have forever." With a grin he drew back to look Xander in the face. "Where do you want to go first?"
With an extra glint in his glowing eyes Xander said, "Bed."