It started weeks ago.
At first Sam would get random thoughts that were completely different from his own.
He thought that was weird, but didn't pay too much attention to it. Probably just some weird effect of not getting enough sleep or being too tired at the time.
Not so much.
Eventually he started seeing pattern.
And he figured out what this is.
He could hear Dean's thoughts.
Not constantly, only if Dean seemed to be extremely emotional or if he was touching Dean in some way. Also, if he concentrated hard enough, but it was too exhausting.
All in all, he had no idea what it was. A curse maybe, some kind of a spell? Someone messing with them? Why it started in the first place? Why now?
Could be anything.
A fact that their relationship right now was beyond strained and Sam had no idea if they will ever be able to fix this, didn't help the situation in the slightest.
He couldn't just go to his brother and blur out 'Hey, i think i can hear your thoughts'
Dean would flip the fuck out and would probably leave.
After this Gadreel situation… they barely talked and when they did only harsh words would come out of their mouths. And they would end up hurt and nothing would be fixed.
It felt like they were drifting further and further apart from each other, the abyss between them getting bigger and wider, and it seemed like there was no hope left to stop it.
Sam just couldn't forgive him for this thing.
He just couldn't.
He knew Dean was sorry, goddamnit, he knew.
Just not for saving him, never for that.
And this time his 'sorry's' just weren't enough.
Hell, some days he could barely look at him, let alone go over there and kiss him and tell him he still loved him, just like the good old days.
No.
And it was tearing them apart. Piece by piece.
He tried talking, he tried putting boundaries between them, staying just as a hunting partners, not brothers and certainly not lovers. Keeping his distance.
And it seemed like the biggest mistake of them all.
Because Dean started drowning.
And he almost missed it.
Sam was sick for a couple of days now and Dean was nursing him back to health.
Bringing him soup, tea, medication, tucking him in or cooling him off. Always there, always gentle, but always silent, never saying a word.
That was one of the biggest clues that Sam's still slightly feverish mind kindly pointed out for him.
He looked at his brother more closely.
He looked pale and distraught. Not looking a him, just staring down while he did what he was suppose to. As if he wasn't worthy enough to look at Sam.
Something was wrong.
It's been wrong for days, ever since they had that God awful argument in the kitchen a week ago. Ever since that something in Dean changed.
Broke.
And Sam intended to fully find out everything, instead of those little thoughts and unfinished sentences he was getting from Dean almost non stop. Which also meant he was actually distressed enough for Sam to catch it.
One more clue.
Jesus, I'm gonna miss it.
Sam almost blinked open when he heard one of his brother's thoughts, but forced himself to concentrate.
"Goodnight, Sammy" he heard Dean say for real, not in his head and quickly shot his eyes open.
Dean was standing in his doorway, his shoulders slumped down, as if that heavy weight he was carrying on his shoulders was actually wearing him down. He was biting his lip, something he would always do when he was nervous. His whole composure screamed of weariness, but then the younger Winchester looked into his eyes.
And there was something he couldn't fully identify.
There was a regret in his eyes, unmistakable sadness and apology. He tried to pretend he couldn't see tears glistering in his eyes, but it was just too evident for him not to see.
And how instead of 'goodnight, Sammy' Dean's mind said a completely different words.
Goodbye, Sammy. This time for good.
Sam stared at his brother, when he bit his lip again and looked at the floor, clearly hiding his tears.
You're not gonna have to deal with my sorry ass ever again. I'm not gonna hurt you again, because god knows i did and i can't do that again. Not to you.
Dean turned his gaze back from the floor to look at his younger brother again.
Gosh, I will miss you. But it's better this way. At least this way you can have the life you want. Without me being there to screw it up. If only you knew how sorry I actually am.
Dean turned to walk out from the room with one last thought in his mind.
Forgive me.
Sam felt his heart threatening to burst out of his chest when the realization of he content of Dean's thoughts finally hit him.
Dean was going to kill himself.
He just said goodbye.
"Dean!" he shouted, his voice trembling a little, when Dean turned to leave his room.
The younger hunter knew if he let him leave now, he will never see him again. Not alive anyway.
Once he shouted his name the older Winchester froze.
"Yeah? Do you need something?" he asked quietly, still not turning back.
"Yeah" Sam answered just as quietly, waiting for Dean to turn to look at him. Once he did, he moved to the side of the bed and pulled the blankets up. "Come lie with me" he asked.
Dean stood there, frozen.
What are you doing, Sammy?
I'm saving you from yourself, Sam answered mentally.
"Come on, man. Just lie with me. Please." he almost whined, pulling his best puppy dog eye look, as Dean liked to call it.
Jesus, Sam, don't do this. Not now. Not when I'm ready to go. Not when i can finally remove one thing from your life that makes you miserable.
Sam barely managed to keep his mouth shut at this. He wanted to scream at Dean for even thinking this.
"Dean" he asked again, this time with a sad voice.
See, Sammy? I'm not even doing anything and yet, I'm still making you sad. Just let me go already. It's better this way.
But he stepped forward and stood just next to the bed.
"Lie down, Dean. I need this. Please." Sam almost begged and he knew Dean could never say no to this voice.
Alright, fine. One last time, huh? I swear you're like a friggin' psychic sometimes. But this doesn't change anything. You fall asleep and then I'm gone. And I'm not coming back this time. I'm not gonna keep screwing up your life anymore. Kept you long enough from being happy already.
Sam winced at Dean's thoughts and promised himself to not to fall asleep.
He needed to do something.
Seeing him walking around the bunker, all depressed and just so sad looking was one thing, but his brother was standing on the edge, looking down and getting ready to jump. And he needed to pull him back into safety, back into his arms.
Once Dean obediently lied down Sam put the blanket over both of them, then scooted closer and wrapped his arms around Dean, pulling his body closer.
Sam traced his arm so it was directly over Dean's heart and just left it there, feeling his hear beating steadily. His nose was brushing over Dean's neck now and he slowly breathed in the familiar scent that was comforting him his whole life and for a second imagined losing it all. Losing Dean.
Sharp intake of breath was his body reaction to a thought of losing the only person he actually loves.
Why are you doing this, Sammy? He suddenly heard.
It's hard enough for me to let you go, why are you making it even harder?
"I love you" Sam whispered quietly and felt the body in his arms freeze, his brother's heartbeat picking up speed.
Don't say what you don't mean, Sammy.
The problem was, Sam meant it. But things were so broken between then Dean couldn't believe it was true.
Not after these horrible weeks of pushing me away. I know you don't need me, you never really did. Gosh, you tried to get away from me and yet, i pulled you back. You were right, I am selfish. And i guess i couldn't live without you. I still can't. That's why i have to go. I can't live seeing you hate me every day, wishing i wasn't there. Without me in the picture you can finally be free.
Sam squeezed Dean harder when he heard these words.
I never hated you. Never. How can you even think that? And I will always need you and love you, no matter how screwed up our lives might be. You're mine and I'm not letting you go, Sam thought.
Minutes passed and Dean started to slowly pull away, only to be stopped by Sam's hands.
Let me go, Sam.
"No" Sam said out loud. He just couldn't lie there anymore, listening to brother's horrible thoughts, pretending everything was fine when in reality Dean was crumbling to pieces.
Jesus Christ, he was on the verge of killing himself, if Sam wouldn't stop him, nobody will.
And he just can't take this chance, too much was at risk.
"No, I'm not letting you go." he shook his head, pulling Dean even tighter into himself. "I know what you are planning, Dean." he whispered and felt how his brother went stiff after his words, his heart fluttering under Sam's palm. "And I'm not letting you do this. I'm not letting you go there and kill yourself because shit happened and we have issues. I love you too much to let you do this. You mean too much to me. And if it means i have to stay here with my hands wrapped around you to stop you from commiting suicide, I will. God help me, I will. Because there is no chance in hell that I will let you do it."
It felt like Dean stopped breathing. He was completely still in Sam's arms.
"And i mean it when i say it, Dean. I love you. And don't you dare to think otherwise. Even if we're not in the best place right now, i still love you. No matter what."
A moment passed and when Dean didn't move Sam pulled away and rolled him onto his back, looking at him from above.
Dean's eyes were wide with shock and fear, but he had tears running down his face. He was clearly surprised, but terrified.
"How- you shouldn't- I-" he babbled, but didn't manage to say a full sentence. He started panicking.
How the hell do you know about this!? Nobody knew about this! Nononononono…
"Yes, Dean. I know about this and that's enough. I'm sorry it took me so long to even say something, i was almost too late and i can never say enough 'sorry's' for that, but i am here now. I'm here and not going anywhere. Just please, don't leave me. Not you. I have no one else."
And why would you need such a fuck up around you, Sammy, huh? I'll end up disappointing you and you will end up hating me. We're just postponing the inevitable. Just let me go now to spare the pain.
"You're not a fuck up and I could never hate you." Sam said, leaning over Dean when his eyes went wide.
"How- you?" was all he managed to get out, but his mind spoke for him, when the words failed him.
You can read my mind?
"I can. I was getting glimpses here and there for a while. Took me some time to figure out what was going on, though. I started hearing it like this only today. And I'm not gonna apologize for that, by the way, because if not this i would have woken up to find you dead!" Sam shouted desperately, seeing Dean's face becoming milky pale.
Immediately Dean's mind was filled with apologies, fear and plans of how to escape.
Sam shook his head.
"I meant it when I said I'm not letting you go, Dean. I will stay up all night if I have to, I will cuff you to myself if needed to, I'll do whatever it takes to stop you from taking your own life. I'm sorry I didn't see it was that bad for you before, neither of us is innocent here, but i shouldn't have been so harsh, i know. And before you think or say something stupid, yes, that is obviously my fault, I overstepped the line. I was just so blinded by it all, so angry at you for what you did I just went at you, lashed out every single time i got a chance, and I kept doing it 'till a point you wanted to take your own life. I kept hurting you until suicide seemed like the only good solution left out there for you. And for that I will never forgive myself." Sam spoke, now tears running not only from Dean's eyes, but from his as well.
Don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault, Sammy. After all, I'm the one who-
"No" Sam cut him off abruptly. "No. Stop whatever it is that you're thinking. Enough with this blame game. It will get us nowhere. Both of us is at blame. But… it already happened and we can't change it. I am sorry it happened the way it did, though, but we can't change the past. So let's try to move past it, whatdya say?" he raised his eyebrows encouragingly.
Dean inhaled loudly and pulled himself up, so he was sitting instead of lying down. He sighed loudly again and lowered his head, shaking it.
You're better off with me dead. You need someone you can trust, and be with comfortably, someone you can love and have a happy future with, and that's not me.
"I already caused you too much pain" suddenly Dean spoke out loud, his voice quiet and hoarse.
"Then stop thinking I don't love you. Stop trying to leave me! What do you think it will do to me?"
It will set you free.
"You were happy without me. You found the life you always wanted. And then i came back and screw it all up. Again. And you paid the price." Dean spoke quietly.
And i should have stayed dead. Would have been better for all of us.
Sam shook his head, not believing his ears (or was it his ears too when he was hearing thoughts?).
"Dean, come on, man. I always wanted you in my life. Always. So don't you dare to say that you screwed it up because when you came back? You brought me back to life as well. You saved me. Because without you I was lost. And I'm not anymore. And i want you to stay with me, for better or worse, because i need you by my side. And i will never stop needing you or loving you. Even when it seems tough, I am always there. And i need you to remember that." Sam leaned forwards and grabbed Dean's hand into his own, still needing to feel the connection. "I need you to remember that you can always talk to me when you're feeling bad. Not to suck it up and suffer till you can't take it anymore, like right now. I would never push you away, ever. You know that. Not that i intend to make these mistakes again, no. I will make sure to remind you just how much I value you and love you every day, so you won't ever think that you're better off dead again. Or that you aren't enough, because you are more than enough. You are everything to me, Dean. You are." suddenly, Sam leaned in closer, his lips almost touching Dean's. "And most importantly" the younger hunter leaned in and kissed Dean softly. "You are mine."
Overwhelming sadness washed over the older man and he started sobbing uncontrollably, crumbling into pieces right there, in Sam's arms. The emotional walls he built around himself collapsed one by one and he just couldn't stop his body from shaking, being wrecked with heart wrenching sobs while Sam help him tight, muttering comforting words into his ear all the time.
He hugged Sam back just as tight, holding onto him as if the world was ending. As if if he let go, Sam would disappear.
"It's alright, Dee', we'll get through this, together. Everything will be fine, we're both here. You're gonna be alright, man, I'm not going anywhere. Shh…" he continued on and thought to himself, how much exactly his brother was actually suffering, how much pain he was holding on the inside.
And if he hadn't caught it in time…
If not this weird mind reading thing… this would have been a whole different kind of a story.
He would be mourning over his dead brother's body. Just because he couldn't let go of his anger, was blinded by it.
So Sam thanked whoever it was that gave him this power, this ability, because it made him realize what actually is important. Something he should have never forgotten in the first place.
Just how unneeded he must have felt to not to come to him when he felt like killing himself?
Talking was never easy for him, but the older hunter always talked to Sam. Until he felt like he couldn't. Or shouldn't.
Suddenly he realized, that Dean was still in his arms, not sobbing anymore, just occasional tremors running through his body.
The younger Winchester slowly pulled away.
"Hey" he said softly, searching for his lover's eyes.
"I'm sorry" Dean sniffled.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm here. You're here. That's all that matters right now." Sam cupped the older man's face. "Hey. Look at me. Please." he asked softly and waited until Dean lifted his gaze from his lap and looked at him. "I love you" he spoke softly again, trying to pour all his love into his eyes, so Dean could see he wasn't lying. "I love you and that is never going to change."
Gosh, Sammy. I don't deserve you.
One more tear slipped from his eyes and Sam gently wiped it away with his finger.
"You deserve the whole world and more, Dean. A whole world and more." he leaned in again to kiss him softly.
"We should lie down" Sam muttered when they broke apart. He pulled Dean down with him, this time they were lying face to face, Dean unnaturally quiet and still shaken up. Sam wrapped his arms around him again, softly brushing his lips against Dean's.
When thoughts of uncertainty started running around in his lover's head again, Sam interfered:
"Don't you dare to even think about leaving me again, Dean. Cause i will go to the end of the world if i have to, but i will come for you and bring you back home, to me." he pulled him in closer. "Because you are mine, Dean." Sam felt him snuggle in a little closer and smiled a little.
"You're mine."
that's kinda it!
Please, leave a review!
TBC? Epilogue? or that's it?