A/N- Hey guys, I'm back after over two years of not posting anything with a new story :D I have already started writing chapter 3 but I'll be posting at week long intervals to give me time to write the upcoming chapters seeing as though I'm going back to college on the 1st which means business for me sigh I hope you enjoy and please review!
Disclaimer- I own nothing
Sunday April 14th 1996
She was tired, more than ready to close her eyes and let herself drift off to sleep, but she didn't want to. She was in pain but happy. More happy than she could ever remember being in her life. Her exhausted smile was reflected in the face of her husband who stood at her bedside, holding her hand in his own larger one.
He used his spare hand to brush her pale blonde locks from her sweaty forehead before planting a kiss on it.
"I love you." He told her.
Her smile grew, giving him all the reply he needed.
"It's a baby boy, congratulations Mr and Mrs Tracy. A healthy 8lbs and 7ozs." The midwife said, pressing the freshly cleaned infant into Lucille's arms. She had a bright smile on her face; the joy of bringing a new life into the world hadn't faded even after 15 years. "He has ten fingers and ten toes, just like what you wanted."
It let out a wail which shocked Jeff at how loud it was. Apparently the baby was shocked too for he opened his eyes and peered around the room as if to see who had been making all the noise. This made Jeff chuckle.
"He has a good set of lungs on him too." He said, the grin evident in his tone of voice. "Just like his Mom."
Lucille rolled her eyes but chose not to comment. Instead she turned her full attention to the writhing bundle in her arms. Her son. The warm feeling in the pit of her stomach increased almost tenfold at this. She was holding her son and he was perfect. He had a head of thick, black hair that she knew would lighten as he grew and bright blue eyes that blinked up at her owlishly.
"Hello, little one." She said to him, tracing his tiny features with her index finger. "I'm your Mommy and I'm going to keep you safe."
He let out a yawn and again blinked up at his mother.
"Such a big yawn for such a little man," She cooed, stroking his stomach tenderly. "You're such a sweetie."
She placed a kiss to his brow and looked to her husband who had been watching the scene with a goofy grin on his face.
"And this idiot is your Daddy," She moved the baby so he was facing Jeff more. "Don't be fooled by his facial expression, he's actually a pretty smart guy."
"Lucy..."
She ignored his protest, "And he's going to love you and protect you from everything that's bad in the world and once he gets a hold of you, little one, he's never going to let go." She looked at her husband now and gave him a soft smile before asking, "Are you going to hold him?"
A panicked expression crossed his face, "What if I drop him or hurt him?"
"Don't be silly, Jeff." She chided, clearly relishing her new role as a mother, "You won't hurt him."
"But, he's so small, what if I-?"
She rolled her eyes before cutting him off, "Sit down here, next to me." She wiggled to her left and Jeff perched uncertainly on the edge of the bed. "Now I'm going to pass you the baby, make sure you keep his head supported, yeah, like that, and that you've got a firm grip on him. See? It's not that hard is it?"
The baby now rested in his Father's arms where he had promptly fallen asleep.
"Isn't he perfect?" Lucille asked.
Jeff nodded, not quite able to get his mouth to form words.
"How is everything going?" The Midwife asked, now cleaned up from the birth. She still wore her smile.
"Great." Lucile told her. "I feel like the most blessed woman on earth."
"He is a cutie. Have you got his name picked out yet?"
Lucille nodded, "We've had it picked out since we first agreed on children: Scott Carpenter Tracy."
"It suits him." She gave a nod of approval. "Now, do you have a camera? I could take some pictures for you if you wanted."
"That'd be great, wouldn't it Jeff?" She looked at him and was shocked to see him crying. "Jeff, what's wrong?" Ice-cold fear shot through her heart. "Is the baby-?"
"Scott's fine, it's just-." Jeff leaned his head against his wife's and didn't make any move to wipe the tears that ran freely down his cheeks. "I'm just so happy."
Lucille let out a sigh of relief, "You're a soft touch, Jefferson Tracy."
The midwife had taken the camera from the table beside the bed and was quickly taking photographs of the happy couple with their new bundle of joy. Their heads bowed together with huge smiles on each of their faces and their son resting between them, they looked like the perfect family.
--
April 29th 1996
"Why won't he stop crying?" Lucille asked with desperation clear in her voice, she was close to tears herself.
Her three week old son bawled from his crib next to his parent's bed, making it the fifth time he had woken them this night. It had been the same since they had brought him home from the hospital and Lucille was slowly starting to go insane, she needed to sleep.
Jeff sat up in bed and pulled his young wife towards him and held her close, stroking her hair as the baby continued to cry.
"I don't understand why he keeps crying." Lucille said before finally breaking down into sobs. "The Doctor says there's nothing wrong with him...I don't understand!"
"Ssh, Lucy, it's okay." Jeff whispered, kissing the top of her head. "I'll see to him, you go back to sleep."
Jeff slipped out of bed and padded across the hardwood floor to his son's crib, he picked him up before exiting the room.
"What's the matter with you, huh? You know you're driving your Mommy insane..."
He made his way into the nursery, which was across the hall from his and Lucy's room, and paced around the room, rocking the child.
"You can't be hungry, you're not due a feed until 6 and you're not wet." Jeff sat down in the rocking chair next to the window, "I just don't know what's wrong with you."
Scott's cries stopped and whether it was from him crying himself to sleep or the slow and gentle rocking, he finally drifted off.
Jeff smiled, wiping the last of the tears from the baby's face. It had been a hard first few weeks, the constant crying had really worn Lucille down and Jeff could tell that if she didn't get a good night's sleep soon she was going to snap.
For him, things hadn't been so bad. He spent most of the day at work and then usually came home to a quiet house, with Scott being asleep. During the night Lucille had insisted that she get up with the baby because he had work the next day. He had let her get up every couple of hours with Scott but he had seen her become more and more exhausted with each passing day and he couldn't stand it any longer.
"It's me and you tonight, little man." He whispered. "Your Mom needs her sleep."
Scott didn't stir.
When Lucille woke the next morning, it was gradual and without the need to immediately get out of bed. It was nice. But wrong, very wrong. Her eyes fell on the digital alarm clock on the bedside table and she shot up. 11.06am.
"Looks like Mommy is awake."
A smile broke out on her face. Jeff stood in the doorway, his hair mussed and still only wearing the boxers he slept in with a dressing gown thrown over the top and their son cradled in his arms.
"I thought you could do with a bit of a lie in." He told her. "And Scott didn't seem to mind."
"Have you fed him?"
Jeff nodded, "At 6 then again at 10, just like you do every day."
"Good. And work?"
"I told them I wasn't going to be for the next few days, I caught a virus." He faked a cough.
She grinned, "I love you Jeff Tracy."
--
5th July 1999
"Why do you have to go? Can't they take somebody else?"
"You've never been bothered before."
"Never been bothered?! Of course I've been bothered, every single time you stepped foot on that stupid rocket! It terrifies me! What if you never come back? What would I do? Raise Scott by myself?" Lucille let out a bitter laugh. "Feels like I'm doing that sometimes already, you're never home anymore!"
"Mommy?" Their three year old son stood in the doorway to the living room, his eyes wide.
"Not now, Scott." She said, sharply. "I'm talking with your Father."
"Don't take this out on him!" Jeff roared, moving to the doorway and picking their son up, resting him on his hip. "We'll talk about this later."
"So you're just going to run away again? God, Jeff, you're unbelievable." She shook her head and folded her arms across her chest.
"I'm not running away, I just don't think we should be having this conversation in front of our son." He told her walking out of the room. He went into Scott's bedroom and set him down on the floor, "Be a good boy and play with your toys, huh?"
"But I want to play with you, Daddy!" Scott protested, his little face contorted with sorrow and his arms outstretched to his Father.
"We'll play later, Scotty, I promise. I just need to talk with Mommy." Jeff told him, he crouched to his son's level before planting a kiss on his forehead. "I'll take you to the park and we'll play on the swings. Does that sound like fun?"
Scott nodded his head vigorously.
Jeff ruffled his hair before leaving the room. When he re-entered the master bedroom Lucille was sat on the edge of the bed with her arms wrapped around herself and tears in her eyes. She didn't turn to look at him as he sat next to her, her eyes remained fixed on the wall in front of her.
"I can't do this anymore." She murmured. "I need you here with me."
Jeff wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her to him, and she buried her head into his shoulder. Her body shook with barely repressed sobs.
"I'll quit." He said.
She didn't say anything.
"After this mission, I'll tell them I won't be coming back."
She looked at him with tear-filled eyes, "I know you won't, you love being an astronaut as much as you love me."
"That's not true." He told her, taking her face in his hands. "You mean everything to me. Without you I'd be nothing, it's the truth. I love you, Lucy."
She shook her head and a tear rolled down her cheek, "If you loved me, you'd quit right now."
He frowned, "You know I can't do that."
"Then you don't love me." She moved her head away from his grasp. "Or the children."
Jeff was about to protest but then stopped. Puzzled, he asked, "Children?"
"I went to the Doctor's this morning." She told him. "I'm pregnant."
"What? That's great, wow." He moved to kiss her but she pulled away. "Lucy?"
"I want you to leave." She told him, refusing to look at him. "I just can't do this anymore."
"You can't be serious, Lucy. Please..." He tried to make her look at him. "Please, Lucy, I love you, I-."
"Stop saying that! You don't mean it!" She stood and stalked from the room but in the hall he caught her wrist in his hand and pulled her to him. She struggled to free herself but his grip was too strong, "Let go of me!"
"No. Not until you look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me anymore." His voice was laced with desperation and tears were present in his eyes. "If you can do that then I'll pack my bags and go and if you can't...Well, then you know you're making a mistake."
Her pale blue eyes met his ocean coloured orbs and she spoke the words, "I don't love you, Jeff Tracy." Tears ran freely down her cheeks. "I'm visiting my sister tomorrow, you can come and get your things then."
His heart fell and any hope he held in his heart died with those words, "Fine. But can I ask you one thing?"
She nodded.
"When did you stop loving me?"
She covered her face with her hands and refused to look at him, "I don't know if I ever did, Jeff, I was young, I was barely 20 when Scott was born. I might have thought I was, but how can you be in love with someone who's never there?"
He nodded and turned to leave.
"Not that it matters because you'll be on the moon, but, the baby is due on the 30th January."
Jeff didn't say anything and made his way down the stairs, just as he reached the bottom he heard footsteps on the hardwood floor and he turned to see Scott stood on the top stair.
"Is it time to go to the park now, Daddy?" He asked, eyes full of hope.
"No, son." Jeff refused to look at him, his sock-clad feet were all of a sudden very interesting.
"But, but, you promised!" Scott sounded heartbroken.
"I know I did, Scotty, but we can't go to the park today. Daddy has to go somewhere." Jeff hazarded a glance at his son, telling himself not to break out into tears. "Be a good boy and look after your Mommy."
He heard Lucille's tear-choked voice but didn't see her, "Just go, Jeff."
He nodded and left.
--
October 23rd 1999
Jeff smiled as he pushed Scott on the swing, earning him squeals of delight the higher it went.
"Higher, Daddy, Higher!" Scott screamed in-between giggles.
"But if you went any higher, you'd be flying!" He told his son, enjoying this moment between Father and son.
"But I want to fly, Daddy! I want to be like you and fly rockets and planes and cars and-."
"Cars don't fly, Scotty."
"No but they go really, really fast!"
Jeff laughed, "You're right there." He eased off and the swing began to slow, "How about we go for some ice cream?"
Scott nodded and jumped off the swing once it stopped, he hugged his Father's leg and Jeff ruffled his hair. He let out a surprised giggle as Jeff began to walk with Scott still clinging on to his leg, "Faster, Daddy!"
Jeff quickened his gait but made sure he wasn't going to fast in case Scott loosened his grip. When they reached the car Jeff picked up his son before throwing him into the air and catching him once again.
Scott laid his head on his Daddy's shoulder and wrapped his arm around Jeff's neck, "You're funny."
"Of course I am, all Daddies are funny. It's our job." He told him, squeezing him softly before opening the door of the car and setting Scott down into the booster seat. As he strapped him in he made funny faces which had Scott giggling again.
"You're silly."
Jeff just grinned and closed the door of the car before going and getting in himself. As he put his seat belt on he heard Scott yawn.
"Are you feeling tired, little man?"
Scott nodded, "But I still want ice cream!"
Jeff laughed as he started the engine, "You'll get your ice cream, you don't have to worry about that. Just don't tell Mommy or she'll kill me."
"Why?"
"Why? Because it'll ruin your appetite for dinner, that's why." Jeff told him.
Scott nodded and was silent for a couple of minutes before saying, "What's an appedtight?"
Jeff laughed again, "An appetite is what you'll ruin if Daddy gives you ice cream before dinner."
"Oh okay."
At the ice cream parlour Jeff bought them a strawberry sundae to share. The lady behind the counter, after exclaiming about how cute Scott was, had put extra strawberry sauce and sprinkles on it much to Scott's glee. And now after only three spoonfuls he had it all over his face, it was an adorable sight. Jeff pulled his digital camera out of his pocket (he carried it with him everywhere, just in case of moments like these) and snapped a couple of Scott getting the ice cream everywhere.
The lady behind the counter, not having much else to do, had walked to their table and held her hand out for the camera, "I'll take some shots of you two together."
"That'd be great, thanks."
She grinned, "No problem. Your son is such a sweetie pie, it'd be a crime to not get some photos."
"Thank you, ma'am."
She just grinned; taking a picture of Father and son together and both wearing smiles of her own, another Scott eating the ice cream with Jeff trying to wipe up is face, a third of Scott shying away from his Father's touch.
"Look, honey, Daddy hasn't eaten any ice cream!" The lady said, still grinning as wide as before.
"Daddy!" Scott said outraged before shoving a spoon full of ice cream at his Father's mouth, missing and having it go all over Jeff's face.
The lady laughed, having taken a picture of Scott mid-action and one of the aftermath, "Now those are keepers."
Another family entered the ice cream parlour and she reluctantly turned the camera off and placed it on the table. "I'll see you later, sweetie," she said, waving at Scott.
Jeff thanked her again while wiping ice cream from his face and she just smiled back at him, "It was no problem, Sir."
Scott had waved back at the lady but in the process ended up dropping his spoon on ice cream into his lap. Jeff winced, he had put a bib on his son to hide any evidence of ice cream and as he cleaned the ice cream up he winced again at the white stain it had left. There was no way he was going to be able to hide the fact he'd given Scott ice cream.
"Ah well." He murmured. "There's no use crying over spilt milk, whatever form it comes in."
They continued to share the ice cream in relative silence before Scott asked, "Why don't you live with me and Mommy anymore?"
He looked up at Jeff with wide, innocent eyes and Jeff felt his heart clench in sadness.
"Because Daddy...well, Daddy made some mistakes. He never spent enough time with you or Mommy and he never told her how much he loved her." Jeff found it hard to explain.
"But, you do love her, don't you, Daddy?" Scott asked.
"Of course I do, I love her as much as I love you and you know how much that is, don't you?"
Scott nodded his head vigorously before spreading his arms out as wide as he could, "This much!"
Jeff smiled, "That's right."
Scott's facial expression became thoughtful as he ate another spoonful of ice cream, "Mommy cries sometimes, Daddy, and it makes me sad. I don't like it when Mommy cries."
Jeff didn't say anything for awhile, he didn't know what to say to that. This made him feel miserable because he knew Lucy was suffering and no matter how much he had begged her to let him help her with things she had refused. She was a stubborn lady, more so than he had ever given her credit for.
"You know that Daddy is going to the moon tomorrow, don't you?" Jeff asked his son.
Scott nodded, "You're going to drive a big rocket!"
"I am, Son, but it also means that I won't be able to see you for a long time. You remember like last time? When Daddy wasn't with you and Mommy for a long, long time?"
Scott nodded before bursting into tears, "But I love you, Daddy! I don't want you to leave!"
Jeff pulled Scott to him and wrapped him in a hug, ignoring the ice cream that Scott managed to smear everywhere. "It's okay, Scotty, don't cry."
"But...but...I don't want you to go!"
"I know and Daddy doesn't want to go either but you've got to be a big boy." Jeff told him, the sadness he had felt had increased tenfold. It was true that he didn't want to go and he was angry that when he had resigned from his post it wouldn't be taken into effect until February when he returned from space.
The first time Jeff had gone to the moon after his son had been born was when Scott had only been three months old, when he had returned after his four month rotation Scott had grown so much it had surprised him. Jeff had continued with the rotations as he had before Scott had been born and Lucille had never said anything about it until that fateful day in July. Jeff let out a sigh and wished he had handed in his notice as soon as Scott had been born so he wouldn't have missed so much.
He forced himself to carry on the conversation, repeating information that Lucille had already told their son but he wanted to make sure he understood, "While I'm away Mommy is going to have a baby, a little brother or sister for you to play with. That's why Mommy's tummy is getting so big."
Scott nodded against his chest, hiccupping occasionally as he spoke, "I'm going to be a big brother."
"You are and I bet you're going to be the best big brother in the world."
Scott looked up at Jeff then, a small smile breaking out across his face, "Really?"
"Would I lie to you?" Jeff grinned at his son but it was quickly wiped away when he caught a sight of the time on his watch. "Oh no! We're late, Scotty! Mommy is going to kill me!"
Jeff did the best clean up job as was possible in five minutes. He made sure Scott's face was free from ice cream and strawberry sauce and that his clothes were as clean as could be before giving the table a quick wipe and depositing all their trash in the rubbish bin. He waved goodbye to the lady behind the counter as they left, patting his pocket to be sure he had his camera, and Scott who he was carrying in his left arm waved too and shouted, "Goodbye, lady!"
She flashed him a smile, "Bye bye, sweetie!"
They reached Lucille's house in record time and as Jeff had expected she was stood on the porch with a displeased look on her face. Scott waved as they pulled in and Lucille raised the hand that had rested on her growing belly to wave back, her expression softening somewhat.
"I'm sorry, Lucy." He said when he reached her. "I lost track of the time."
"Hi Mommy." Scott wrapped his arms around the top of her legs and planted a kiss on her bump. "Hi Baby."
"Run on inside, Scott. The TV is on."
"Okay." He said brightly and just as he ran inside he stopped and turned to his Mother. "Daddy still has an appedtight, Mommy, 'cause he didn't eat as much ice cream as me."
"Ice cream?" Lucille asked, raising an eyebrow and fixing Jeff with a stony stare.
"Yup, we had ice cream but I wasn't 'posed to tell you 'cause I don't want to ruin my appedtight." Scott made an 'Oops' face once he realised what he had said. "Woops, sorry Daddy."
"It's okay, son, you go watch TV while I talk to Mommy. I'll say goodbye before I leave."
Scott nodded and ran inside and Jeff guiltily turned to gaze to his wife, "Sorry Lucy, I just wanted to give him a treat."
She rolled her eyes, "Just don't do it again."
There was an awkward silence between the two adults for a moment as they thought of what to say.
"I've handed in my resignation." Jeff said finally. "It goes into effect when I get back in February."
She nodded, "I'll get a message to you as soon as I can after the baby is born. I thought about Sally Kristen for a girl or John Glen for a boy."
"Sally Tracy." He said testing the name, "I like it."
"What makes you think the baby won't have my maiden name?" She asked. Lucille herself had legally changed her name back to the one she had before she got married; it had been the first thing she had done after they had separated, the second was filing for a divorce which had gone through the week before. "I'm the one that will be raising it after all."
"You're right, I suppose." He said, sadly. It hurt him to know that he wasn't going to be involved in this child's life as much as he wanted. "I'll go say goodbye to Scott."
She watched him go, not moving from her spot on the porch. She had pushed for the divorce to be done as quickly as possible, trying to rid herself of any memory of Jeff and convince herself that she wasn't still in love with him.
It was for the best, she thought, this way he wouldn't be able to let the family down and disappoint the children when he wasn't around. She had been surprised, though, when she had read about his resignation from NASA barely a week after they had separated. It had warmed her heart to think that he had done it for her, she knew how much he loved the stars for she too felt passionate about them, but she had steeled herself not to cave into asking him back. She was on her own now and it was better this way, no matter what she still felt.
When Jeff reappeared on the porch she couldn't help herself, she pulled him into a hug, "You better come back, Jeff Tracy, or else I'll hunt you down myself and kill you."
He let out a soft laugh, "I wouldn't want you to do that."
She dropped her arms and moved away from him, an almost sheepish expression on her face.
"Look after yourself now, you hear?" Jeff said, the sudden use of the southern accent bringing a small smile to Lucille's face. He moved close to her and put a hand on her round stomach, "Seriously, though, take care of yourself and the baby and don't let Scott run you ragged."
She didn't move away from his touch like Jeff thought she would, instead she put her hand over his. The baby gave a kick right under Jeff's palm and he couldn't help but break out into a huge smile.
And he couldn't help but feel there was hope left for them yet.
--
Please review!