Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

I've been taking an extended vacation from posting when this lovely tidbit fluttered into my head. Enjoy 

Oh My Edward

Prologue

~GoddessoftheWaters

It was a bright and sunny day out-

Fuck the sun. Edward Elric was having a horrible day.

First it was torments from none other than shit-for- brains-I-can't-do-anything-but-think-of-women-in-miniskirts-Colonial-Bastard. Or Roy Mustang depending on who you asked.

Not that girls in miniskirts were necessarily a bad thing.

Ed prided himself on the fact he could hide that information very well. After all, it wouldn't be very fair for him to go out and get laid while Al was still stuck in his armor.

Not that he was too pleased about it. He would be out there getting ass with the best of them if it weren't for the unfairness of it.

Back to his horrible day. Ed had a hard time forgetting that. He might have to get his automail fixed. Now, normally this wouldn't be a bad thing, but Ed was currently not doing so well suffering from sex withdrawal. Sometimes it was worse than others, and this was one of them.

He blamed it on Winry Rockbell. If she weren't so damn fine, he would have so many less problems.

Ed would love to get his hands on that.

But he had much more important things going on right now. Like the gate. And getting his and Al's bodies back. That was waaaay more important than any ass on the planet.

Although they do say if your not getting it, your kissing it or being it.

And Ed was definitely kissing ass right now.

With none other than Colonial Bastard.

Which was completely not fair. He thought he was done with that shit. But of course not. It would never end, would it.

Colonial Bastard had dismissed him after tormenting him, then called him back. And like a good dog, Ed had gone running right back.

He was seething.

"Fullmetal," Roy said, slowly smirking. Ed would love to sink his automail hand into that face and ruin it all.

Fuck Colonial Bastard. Fuck him so hard up his ass that shit came out and he was whimpering like the dog he really was.

"How are you?" Such a cordial question.

Suck it.

Actually, "I'm doing alright, Colonial. What brought me back? Did you forget something?" Can I kill you now?

Nope.

"Fullmetal, I have a proposition for you."

Really now? Will it involve me kicking your ass?

"A proposition? I am intrigued."

Colonial fuck face, yes, Ed liked that one much better, even though the Colonial was probably getting some and he most definitely wasn't, smiled amicably.

"As you know the recertification test for your state alchemist license is once again approaching,"

Yes, he was perfectly aware, so possibly fuck face should just go back to trying to suck his own dick.

"And I have a proposition surrounding it. Your brother has already agreed."

Ed glanced over at Al who was quietly standing in the corner.

"You need to get some brother," Al said.

WHAT?

"I propose a contest."

"And what does this contest entail?"

"Oh, just some simple maneuvers." Ed glared warily at the Colonial.

"You'll have to explain yourself."

The Colonial smiled wolfishly. Ed felt slightly sick.

"I just need you to submit a few reports on what you have learned , and in exchange I'll get you recertified."

That sounds easy enough.

"What's the catch?"

"No catch. Although I do want to talk to you."

Odd. Colonial Bastard wanted to talk. Ed obliged.

"What."

"Well, as you know I am a notorious womanizer…" Yes, this was common knowledge. What the fuck was his point?

"It has come to my attention you have never even been kissed." Ed seethed. Fuck this. This wasn't even legit.

"Are you being serious?"

"Quiet, Fullmetal. I am dead serious. I want you to work on your social skills. Get with Winry Rockbell. Its common knowledge you have it bad from your mechanic."

Damn him. He knows everything. Ed seethed.

"FUCK YOU. No. I'm not going to disrespect her."

Plus he had no experience other than a couple of wet dreams here and there. And those really didn't count for anything.

Did they?

"Its not disrespect." Roy intoned. "If you really love her and she loves you back."

Ed grit his teeth. He was getting a bad feeling about this. He cared to much about Winry to have her become a military girlfriend. He couldn't believe Roy was asking him to do such a thing.

"No."

"She already likes you. You should stop being a coward and act on your feelings."

What? A coward? Him? No fucking way.

"No"

"Fine. Have it your way. Dismissed."

Fuck him. Ed was seething. Although, he did have a point. Much like always. Maybe he should romance Winry. She was adorable enough. And he really did like her.

Problem was, he had no idea where to start.

Repeat or delete?