I might write more. This was pretty fun, and I'm rather proud of myself. There are a lot of scenes with Harry and Hermione, and that's because I'm a die hard HHR fan, but there's no romance in this.

Disclaimer: I don't' own Harry Potter

###

"Hermione, do you remember in muggle school when everyone wanted to know why glue wouldn't stick to the inside of the bottle?"

"Not really, Harry. I-"

"I've thought a lot about it, and I think I've finally figured out the answer."

"You know what chemicals are used-"

"Magic. The answer is magic. Wizards make glue."

"… Yes Harry. They do. I'm leaving now."

###

Lily loved her husband. She really did. However, sometimes he could be a bit much. And when Sirius was over…

And there were times when magic just wasn't enough. Physical exertion worked wonders for her mood.

So when the 'men' had decided to play Frisbee with her good plates… Well, she just had to put a stop to that. So she tackled them to the ground, and proceed to beat them. When she was done they looked like two mummies stuck together. But it was quiet.

"Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver."

###

Hermione heard a sneeze and automatically said "Bless you."

"What the hell, Granger?"

She turned around to see Malfoy behind her. "It was out of habit. A muggle thing."

He looked intrigued despite himself. "Why on earth would they do such an asinine thing?"

Hermione could never resist giving out information. "It was commonly thought that demons tried to enter the body when a person sneezed. The saying 'bless you' was used so that demons couldn't enter the body. Or that when you leaved your soul tried to leave your body, and saying 'bless you' kept it inside you."

"… You took my soul and put a demon inside me?"

"No… I told you, I simply-"

"You're the next Voldemort!"

-several days later-

"So Hermione, I can't help but notice that you have a horde of Slytherins following you around."

"Yes Harry. I had noticed that as well."

"Why?"

"They are convinced that I will be the next ruler of the world. That my getting sorted into Griffendor was a brilliant plan to hide while I amass followers. That I can put demons into people without a spell. That I can steal souls."

"… Why?"

"I have no idea. But I won't complain. I have minions now."

###

"Hey, Hermione, you know the old saying 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away?'"

"Yes, I am aware of that old saying Harry."

"Well, I'm going to eat two apples a day and the next time the fit hits the shan, I'll be completely protected!"

"… Good luck with that Harry."

-after a mess that Harry usually finds himself in-

"Hermione! Madam Pomfrey said there's nothing wrong with me. All thanks to the power of apples!"

"I don't believe it."

"Believe it baby!"

###

"Girls are so complicated," Ron complained. "No one will ever understand them. Especially Lovegood. She's nutty."

Lavender rolled her eyes. "Siriusly. How hard is it to tell us we're pretty and give us chocolate?"

Ron snorted. "Like that would work."

They watched as Neville walked over to Luna carrying a package. "Hello beautiful. Would you please accept this box of chocolate?"

"Why of course."

The two walked off, arm in arm.

Lavender glared at Ron. "I told you so."

###

Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a paramedic. Words to live by.

Unfortunately for the medical world at large, the Weasley twins are willing to explain a lot in the name of pranks and experiments.

Pomfry has long since stopped asking non-medically relevant questions.

Such as why the twins were fused together with chipmunk heads growing out of their noses. Or why their spines had traded places with their legs. Or why… actually, she didn't even want to think about that time.

###

Sirius and James sat side by side, drinking a nicely aged whiskey.

"You know James, when I die and meet God, I'm afraid he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say."

"Huh. That could be awkward. But, I think we're already dead."

… Huh. That explains a few things."

"And I think that's God right over there."

"God looks a lot like Morgan Freeman."

"He does. Maybe we should ask him for an autograph."

"As soon as we finish this case."

"Brilliant."

###

Hermione found Harry alone in the library with a stack of letters beside him.

"Harry, who are you writing to?"

"Voldemort."

"Are those… love letters?"

"Yup."

"Harry, why are you sending love letters to Voldemort?"

"Well, Dumbledore says love is really powerful, and there's the saying 'love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy' so I'm hoping if I send enough he'll just die."

"… I wish you luck with that. I'm going to research fighting spells."

"Go ahead. But I bet you wont need them!"

-Five minutes later-

"The terror of You-Know-Who is over!"

"Damn it Harry."