Just Close Your Eyes

Chapter One

I open the medicine cabinet and grab my bottle of pills then close it with a click. I always begin my morning routine by staring at myself in the bathroom mirror. I trace my fingers over the burned skin on my shoulder. My skin grafts are healing nicely. Where my skin used to be inflamed with a red patchwork quilt design, it is now uniform in colour. The scarring is minimal but still noticeable to everyone who knows me. My hair is much shorter than it once was but I still keep it braided and hanging over my right shoulder. I doubt I will ever cut it again.

I am skinnier than I should be, or so Greasy Sae tells me. I can never eat enough to satisfy her. My eyes are the worst, hollow and bloodshot with dark purple bags hanging under them. I cannot look at myself for too long, it is a constant reminder of all I've lost. I finally pop open the pill bottle and swallow two pills chasing them with water I gulp straight from the tap. Standing up again I close my eyes and breathe deeply. That's better.

When Haymitch first returned me to District 12 I spent the whole week in bed crippled by sadness. All I could bring myself to do was cry and sleep. Greasy Sae came over for meal times and tried to feed me but I couldn't keep anything down. As soon as she would leave I would rush to the bathroom and vomit everything up. Haymitch didn't even try to visit. He preferred solitude and returned to drinking.

Gale took a job in District 2, and in a way I was relieved. I think he knew I would never be able to love him after what happened with Prim. Still I fondly remembered the old Katniss and Gale and our way of life before the games. I mourned the loss of that life. My mother never returned to District 12 either. She moved to District 4 to help set up a new hospital.

We were never close but I still felt betrayed. Prim was always her favourite. I didn't blame her, Prim was everyone's favourite. Living in this house was a constant reminder of Prim and returning would only bring my mother to the catatonic state she was in after my father died. She was doing what she had to do to survive. We all were.

After the first week I eventually dragged myself out of bed and over to my dresser. In the top drawer someone had placed my belongings. I picked up the locket Peeta had given me during the second games and opened the catch before gazing at the photos inside. He said they were the people who would make my life worth living when I returned home. One of them was dead and the other two might as well be.

I closed the locket and dropped it in the garbage pail beside my bed. I was about to close the drawer when I saw the pearl roll to the front. I picked it up and rolled it between my fingers. I did not bring it to my lips. Peeta had not returned to District 12 either. The last time I saw him he had tried to stop me from killing myself after murdering Coin. He wanted me to suffer. I deserved it.

I put the pearl back in the drawer and closed it with a bang. I was suffering. Everything was taken from me. That's when I decided to take the pills that Dr. Aurelius prescribed me. That was two months ago. Eventually I open my eyes. The world is growing hazy around the edges and I can't feel a thing. The pain I've been feeling is someone else's pain not my own. I float through the hallways and continue my morning routine.

I walk toward Prim's bedroom and open the door. A thin layer of dust coats the light blue room. I fluff the pillows on her bed as if she will return tonight to sleep on them. On her vanity hair ribbons are lined up and sorted by colour. I finger them lovingly and place them back in their places. I pick up her hairbrush and after undoing my braid I brush my hair slowly. I do not notice the time passing but I hear Greasy Sae calling me from downstairs.

I never take anything out of Prim's room. Everything must stay in its place, exactly how she left it. I ignore Sae and continue on to my mother's room. It is on the opposite side of the hallway and it is a darker shade of blue than Prim's room, I think about the similarities between my mother and Prim, how they both picked blue rooms and left me with the dark green one.

I do not fluff my mother's pillows instead I go over to her shelves. There is a picture of her and my father from their wedding day. I pick it up and use my fingers to wipe the dust away. They are both smiling up at me and I think about how I haven't seen a genuine smile from anyone in a long time. The pills make sure these feelings do not bother me. I can make observations but I do not get to feel. Greasy Sae calls me again so I place the frame back on the shelf and make my way downstairs.

Sae's granddaughter is sitting at the kitchen table eating some runny eggs and some kind of meat. I haven't been hunting so I wonder where the meat came from. A plate is prepared for me so I take my place at the table. I can feel Sae's eyes on me but I don't look up. No one talks until finally Sae suggests I visit Haymitch or call my mother. I do not respond to her suggestions. After she leaves I do not vomit up my breakfast. The pills are also good for helping me keep food down. I have gained some weight back but I don't eat a lot to begin with. I am still too thin.

Something that the pills do not help with are my nightmares. Dr. Aurelius gave me sleeping pills as well but I quickly discovered that they only made the nightmares worse and harder to shake off once I did wake up. Every night I dream of the games, of Prim, of Rue, of Peeta strangling me like he tried to do in District 13. Because of this I am sleep deprived. Most nights I sit awake, watching television. I watch all the garish programmes that the Capitol airs.

The ending of the Hunger Games has forced the Capitol to start airing a variety of new programmes hoping to provide new forms of entertainment for the residents. Most nights I fall asleep to a woman bearing a striking resemblance to Effie ramble on about the latest Capitol fashions, all which disgust me. Even though the Capitol was overthrown it still remains the birthplace of the latest trends known to Panem.

I walk over to the couch and turn on the television. They are airing an update about the rebuilding of the Districts. I watch for awhile but start to feel my eyes grow heavy and I lay down on the couch, resting my head on a throw pillow. I fall asleep just before Gale makes an appearance to talk about his work in District 2.

Hours later when I wake up I realize it must be dinner time because Sae is back and banging around in my kitchen. I have slept for hours with no nightmares, a sign of how exhausted and worn down I have become. I enter the kitchen just as Sae is spooning some sort of stew into a bowl. I never complain about the food. She doesn't have to be here, she is doing me a favor.

Again we eat in silence. This time she does not make any suggestions. I can tell she is getting frustrated with my behaviour. I feel guilty, but not guilty enough to apologize or start a conversation. I was never good at that on my best days. Sae leaves right after dinner and I get the feeling that I am depressing her. She did not bring her granddaughter this time.

For the first time in months I decide to visit Haymitch. Maybe Sae is right and it will do me some good. In the least someone has to make sure he hasn't drowned himself in liquor or his own vomit. I did not shower today but I doubt Haymitch will notice. He is used to living in filth. Exiting my house I walk two houses over and listen at the door.

I hear the sound of the television blaring some obscure Capitol show but nothing else. Pushing the door open I enter quietly. Haymitch is not in the living room but it is covered in dirty plates and glasses. I turn off the television and hear some quiet snores. Haymitch is in the kitchen passed out at the table. A glass full of clear liquid is still clasped in his hand. I know his knife is in his other hand.

I sit at the table and wait for him to wakeup. I do not wake him using the methods I would have in the past. I have all the time in the world. Haymitch wakes up around midnight with a yawn that reeks of booze. He sees me sitting across from him but does not seem surprised in the least.

"Was wonderin when you would show up," he growls.

"Nice of you to visit," I respond.

He smirks but does not say anything. Haymitch and I have always had a strange relationship. We are a lot alike in some ways. We both appreciate solitude. He takes a swig of liquor from his glass before commenting,

"You look terrible."

"You don't look so great yourself, happy to be back to your liquor I see."

Haymitch gives me a knowing look. He must have realized from my glassy eyes that I've been taking the pills. I look down, for some reason this similarity between us does not sit well with me.

"Saw your boy on TV" he says, and I immediately think he's referring to Peeta. "Some fancy job he has over there in D2."

Now I know he's talking about Gale, I nod but do not show any signs of interest so Haymitch lets it go. For awhile we sit in silence like this, Haymitch drinking and me staring at the table. He asks if I've called my doctor. He knows the answer is no but he does not push it. Now it's well after midnight but Haymitch doesn't sleep much either, so we move over to his couch and watch Capitol programming.

Haymitch gets drunk and starts ranting during a cooking show about the Capitol's citizens and their greed so I take this as my cue to leave. Standing up, I promise Haymitch I'll visit more. He nods but does not respond. We both know that I'm not likely to follow through. I walk over to the front door and Haymitch calls,

"Katniss.."

He looks like he wants to say something but when we make eye contact nothing comes out. He turns back to the television and I walk out closing the door behind me. On the walk home I feel a tired ache in my bones and long for sleep. My medicine is wearing off when I collapse on my bed and bury myself under blankets and pillows.

I am back in District 13 in the hospital running forward to greet Peeta who has just been rescued. I am running, I am elated, and Peeta is running toward me. I am ready to throw myself in his arms when his arms reach out and his hands wrap around my throat. I feel him strangling me. My air supply is cut off. I am trying to scream but cannot make a sound. No one is helping me and I am dying, dying, dying.

I sit up gasping for air, my mouth still open in a scream. My hands immediately reach for my throat feeling for bruises but there are none. They healed months ago. I am trembling and my voice is hoarse when I break down in sobs. Light is streaming through the blinds covering my window and I know it must be morning but still early since I do not hear Sae in the kitchen.

I allow myself to cry still clutching my neck. I cry for Peeta because of how the Capitol highjacked his memories. I cry for myself because of how the Capitol stole him from me. I cry because things were never the same between us after that incident. Mostly I cry because I am alone. Eventually I pull myself together knowing that my pills will take this all away.

I stumble over to the window and open the blinds, blinking from the brightness of the sun. That's when I see him. He is standing in front of his house across the street from mine. The house that has not been lived in for months. The house that I stare at sometimes to remind myself that the old Peeta is gone. To remind myself that he is just as dark as the windows of his house.

But there he is, and he is looking up at my house. He is looking up at my bedroom window. Peeta is looking at me with hatred in his eyes.