This is something I've been thinking about for a while to be honest. This is an angsty Leonardo fic. TRIGGER WARNING; Self Harm, Mentions of suicide.
These Cuts
Leonardo turned his back as his brothers started snickering, He looked at his father to see the disappointment on his face.
''I-I'm sorry Sensei'' Leo bowed sadly, ''I'll try harder next time''
''Leonardo you are now behind in your training'' Splinter frowned, ''Are you sure nothing's wrong?''
''I'm sure Master'' leo nods.
''Your arm's ok?'' Splinter nodded towards the bandage around Leo's wrist.
''Yes Father'' Leo gulped.
''Why won't you tell us what you did?'' Don smirked, ''Did you have an accident?''
''Aw! Leo has a boo boo!'' Raph grinned.
''Let Splinter kiss it better'' Mikey laughed.
Leo looked at Splinter, he hid his emotions until Splinter allowed him to leave.
he walked quickly out of the room and was soon running to his own room. he slammed the door and opened the desk drawer, he panted as he picked up his razor and unwrapped his bandages.
He pressed the blade against his skin and felt the cold steel draw blood as he pulled it across, his panting became heavy as his actions became more vigorous.
he stopped and realised he wasn't finished, he looked at his other wrist. This one was clean from cuts.
leo had always convinced himself he was fine as long as one wrist was still whole but now..
Now he knew wasn't fine
he was never going to be fine while living with people who expected him to be perfect.
Tears fell down his cheeks as he slashed his clean wrist, blood covered both wrists now and Leo was now feeling a little better.
The pain was helping him.. he was sure of it!
He chuckled darkly through his tears as he wondered what his brothers would say.
''hey! leo's cutting!'' Mikey would yell with a laugh,
''Seriously?'' Don would chuckle, ''You're so stupid! why would you cut! That won't change anything! you're a failure and no amount of cutting will change that!''
''Pathetic! I knew I should've been made leader'' Raph would laugh happily,
''You are not fit to be a leader anymore'' Splinter would shake bitterly, ''Get out of this house! You're are no longer my son!''
Leo shuddered as he lay on his floor, he wanted to get in the bath and let his blood run out until he was dead but he knew what that would cause. The people around him would have to deal with his body, they'd have to clean everything up.
''Leo?'' leo jumped at the knock, he hid his wrists behind his back as his door swung open. Don and Raph were standing at the door.
''It's time for lunch'' Raph grunted, ''If ya don't come down soon Mike'll have a hissy fit''
''I'll be down in a minute'' leo nodded.
''you took the bandage off?'' Don smiled, ''Is your injury better''
''Sure'' leo smiled.
The door was shut and the other brothers were back downstairs. leo ran to the bathroom and bandaged both his arms again, he rushed back to his room and hid all the evidence.
he walked into the kitchen to see everyone smiling and laughing. leo smiled weakly and sat in his place where his soup was placed in front of him with a bread roll next to it.
''Only a small lunch'' Mike smiled, ''I'm gonna make a big dinner''
''it's fine'' Everyone smiled as the youngest sat down and ate.
Leo's stomach felt sick, he couldn't eat knowing what he had done to himself. he swirled the soup with his spoon and took a few sips but he just couldn't eat.
His wrists were burning and all the happy chatter around him was making him go mad, he wanted out, he wanted to be back in his own room.. Alone.
''You ok Leo?'' Mikey asked worriedly, leo looked up and shrugged.
''I'm just not really hungry'' leo said apologetically, ''I'm sorry Mike''
''it's not a big deal'' Mike smiled, ''As long as your feeling better by dinner''
''You're looking a little pale leo'' Don commented in concern.
''I think you should go have a lie down'' Splinter smiled gently, ''maybe that will help you feel a little better''
leo stood up and bowed gratefully before going to his room in shame.
he lay on the bed and cried silently.
''I hate my life'' He whispered quietly. ''I don't wanna live anymore''
A sob escaped his mouth and he was quick to stifle it, he couldn't let them know! They couldn't find out!
''I hate myself'' he sniffled, ''I wish I was dead..''
he looked over at the drawer with the razor in it before shaking his head. He could hear that his family were finished with lunch.
he left his room to go to the bathroom, he gave Mikey a weak smile on the way.
he stared at himself in the mirror and cursed himself before splashing cold water on his face but outside the bathroom he could hear a commotion in the hall, he listened carefully.
''Guys.. I found this in leo's room'' Mikey said worriedly.
''Why's he got one of them?'' Raph asked before gasping, ''Why's it got blood on it!?''
''Do you think?'' Don whispered but Leo couldn't hear the rest of the conversation as he was gripped with panic, he knew what they had found.
''oh no'' Leo whispered as he slid to the floor gasping for breath. ''They found it.. they know what i've been doing! They'll tell Splinter.. They'll laugh at me as I'm thrown out the door.. No..''
Leo could feel the tears pricking his eyes as he shivered.
But at that moment something inside him snapped.
he was done. it was over.
Leo no longer cared.
His tears disappeared and an empty feeling filled his chest, He felt completely numb and he realised that he didn't care that they had found out.
he couldn't even feel pain anymore, it hurt a little after but never while he was cutting.
He had broken and now he was dead inside.
''LEO! GET OUT HERE NOW!'' Raph yelled as he pounded the door. Leo opened the door and stared at the razor in Raph's hand. ''What's this!?''
''You have more bandages'' Don gasped.
Leo snatched the razor back and put it in his pocket.
''Put that thing in the bin right now'' Raph growled. Don stepped forward and unwrapped leo's bandages.
leo allowed him to do so.
As the bandages slipped off Don turned Leo's arm so the wrists were facing up. The cuts and scars were now on show, leo stared at them as his heart pounded painfully in his ears.
It hurt to just look at them.
''Leo..'' Mikey gasped as tears sprung to his eyes, ''How could you''
Leo looked up into his brothers shocked faces and cocked his head questioningly, This wasn't how they were supposed to be acting!
''You guys don't think it's funny?'' He frowned.
''FUNNY!? HOW IS IT FUNNY!?'' Raph yelped angrily and slightly fearfully.
''I thought you guys found my pain funny'' leo frowned in confusion as his brothers stared at him in dismay, ''You guys enjoy my failures? no?''
''Wh-'' The younger turtles stuttered.
''I'm sure when you reveal them to Splinter he'll chuck me out'' leo said bitterly, ''And you guys will finally have what you want.. go ahead.. call him I dare you!''
''No.. No we're not gonna tell Splinter'' Don sighed. ''You need help and Splinter won't approve of this''
''What's wrong'' leo spat bitterly, ''Isn't this what you wanted to see? Or is it too real for you? Don't you like seeing the cuts and scars? Are they making you uncomfortable?'' leo's voice wavered and became quieter. ''Didn't you want to see me finished?''
''F-Finish?'' Mikey gulped.
''yes Mikey. Finished.. I'm done caring anymore'' Leo took a deep breath as tears pricked his eyes.
The four brothers stood for a moment.
''Well.. if you'll excuse me I have something I've got to get back to'' leo growled quietly as he went back to his room and shut the door.
''LEO! LET US IN!'' Raph yelled as leo began cutting.
''You know.. it doesn't even hurt anymore'' leo breathed as he slashed his wrists, ''I've gotten so used to it.. I can cut as deep as I like and it'll still feel numb..''
''LEO!'' Mikey began to sob, ''STOP! PLEASE!''
''No'' leo sighed, ''I'm sorry but.. i can't live like this anymore'' leo began to cry quietly, ''I can't take this anymore.. There's no point in living anymore''
''Leo'' Donnie began gently, ''We can help you.. You're not alone in this anymore''
leo paused and relaxed a little.
''I-I'm not?'' he looked over at the door as it opened, he looked lost as he stared up at his brothers. ''Can.. is there really a way to stop this?''
''Of course there is'' Don smiled gently as he knelt next to his eldest brother. ''Everything's going to be ok.. I promise''
leo just looked down at the cuts on his wrists.
''These cuts are what I am now'' leo mumbled to himself.
His eyes widened as his brothers hugged him tightly, he felt warm.. He felt like there may actually be a chance.
At for that moment he felt a little at peace with the world.
I don't know why I keep writing these.. This is a two shot so turn to the next chapter and see how it ends!