Scars
By L. M. Boulevardes
The first time they all go swimming together, everyone's watching him.
Oh, they pretend not be, of course. They pretend that everything's fine, that nothing's going on, that they aren't looking. But they are, secretly, because if the guy came from a place where it was okay for his dad to leave him for a hideous facial scar, he's got to have some other battle wounds, right?
Zuko knows they're watching him too. He feels it when he slides off his shirt, self-conscious goosebumps breaking out over his skin. It's a hot day but he feels cold, and he almost puts his shirt back on heyguyI'mgoingbacknowIdon'twanttoswim. But that would mean admitting defeat, and he's never been very good at that. He's much better at getting pissed and glaring whatareyoulookingat?
Katara won't look because looking might make her feel sorry for him, and she remembers the last time she tried to heal some of his scars and how badly that went. So Katara swims into the deeper waters when he undresses, bending the current to her liking ohsorryZukoIforgotaboutyou. If she doesn't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. Of course she feels guilt (you should be more compassionate), but it doesn't stop her from running away (at least for now).
So that leaves Toph and Aang and Sokka, stranded on the shoreline. Toph isn't paying attention though, because sand castles are more interesting to her and she can't see the scars anyway so it's not this, you know, big reveal or anything. Maybe if he came over and put her hands on his skin and said this is because and told her a story she would listen, but she's not about to seek out such things herself. Besides, sand bending is fun and different and she does love a challenge.
Aang wants to say something (who did that and why)(was it your dad?), but he's shy, and he's afraid of making Zuko angry. So he laughs nervously when Zuko catches him staring, shrinking under the gaze. And it really is just a gaze, not a glare, although there is a certain forcefulness behind it. Zuko says I see you seeing me and Aang thinks he doesn't want to know or see, not really. Because underneath it all he's kind of squeamish and doesn't want to hear about what happened to Zuko because Zuko's life is kind of scary. So he goes to join Toph with the sandcastles (I'm practicing) and leaves Zuko and Sokka alone.
Sokka knows that this is the part where he's supposed to make a joke or get freaked out or do something stupid, but he's not as shallow as everyone gives him credit for. He can be deep, but he'd rather turn angst into humor than drown in sorrow the way Katara can. Katara keeps going because if she stopped, they would all fall apart.
So he looks, and Zuko sees him looking, and he doesn't run away like Aang. He takes it in, raking his eyes over Zuko's body slow, methodical calm. There are little bumps on his shoulder, pink and craggy (Like craters, Sokka thinks), and there's a big pink splotch on his arm. There's a slice across his stomach, raised and almost faded, and if Sokka were to look more closely he would see a tiny little indentation on his jaw, on the right side. On the nape of his neck there's a faint circle that's almost invisible now, another burn mark. And if his shorts weren't so long, they would see neat rows of fine white lines marring his thighs (look more closely they're on his inner arms too).
"What?" Zuko says, breaking the silence (because he's never been very good at being examining and hates this feeling don'tlookatme).
"How'd you get that?" Sokka asks (because Sokka is the kind to be blunt and ask questions even though they may or may not be particularly well-received). "Your shoulder," he clarifies, pointing to the marks.
"From the Agni Kai with my father. Fire doesn't just stop." Even though I (clearly) did my best to get in the way.
"And that?" He points to the arm this time, and Zuko grimaces like he's just taken a bite of something that tastes very bad.
"I broke my arm. And the bone splinter through." Don't ask –
"How'd you do that?"
"I fell off a building." I jumped off a building.
"Ouch," Sokka says, wincing. He suddenly grabs Zuko's arm, and Zuko is too surprised to protest so he just watches at Sokka runs his thumb of his arm, and then is his shoulder. Because Sokka is curious and the textures are strange and fascinating and Zuko squirms and shivers a little but he doesn't pull away.
"Okay, and your stomach?" he continues, running a finger on the thick line until it disappears into his hip and beneath the waistband. And then Zuko grabs his hand and stops him, holding his wrist gently but firmly (This is a warning)(never again.)
"Do you ever stop asking questions?" he asks in annoyance. Sokka shrugs and goes around him, looking at his back, finding the one on the nape of his neck "Would you stop touching me?"
"This one?" Zuko sighs and swats Sokka's hands away from his neck, feeling agitated. This was stupid.
"Azula was trying to brand me so she would own me. But our mom stopped her." And he remembers, too, Azula hitting his head against the turtleduck pond, him screaming and screaming and screaming. He used to have a scar on his forehead, but that went away, burned off with half his face.
"You have a scar on your jaw, did you know that?" Sokka asks, peering around to look. "This is so cool. You look like a real warrior," he says admiringly. Zuko frowns but says nothing if I had known these were the price I'd rather look like a fake warrior.
"Sparing." Zhao pulled him down and dug his teeth into his jaw (bitch I own you not so tough out of Daddy's favor are we) and he pushed his knife in his belly (flip over and if you scream you'll regret it the only scream you can make is when I make you come and you're screaming my name). And then Iroh came (Zuko are you okay Zhao isn't this a little intense for sparring practice?) and he never was alone with Zhao again (because that would be stupid and dangerous even for Zuko).
"Okay, but tell me how the hell you got these?" he asks, running his fingers over the (tiny, delicate) white lines that are on the inside of Zuko's arms. And Zuko blushes, because he's embarrassed, and he wonders when Sokka will ask about the two big ones on the top of his wrists (oh Agni they hurt so much).
"It's a long story," he mumbles, pulling away and Sokka (because he is not, contrary to popular belief, an idiot) feels the way the air shifts when Zuko says that, and knows that if he wants to hear he'll have to listen.
So he shrugs and says "I have time." Zuko squirms and looked away, grabbing his arm and holding it to his body as though to protect himself. His arms are turned inside, and Sokka can't see the scars anymore.
I did it to myself okay I had a knife my Uncle gave me it was so shameful and I cut cut cut cut cut the skin and I bled and sometimes it made me feel alive and sometimes it stopped the noise the knife said never give up without a fight and I didn't give up until this one time when I tried to and they I lived and thought I guess maybe my life is worth something after all if I'm still here, right?
"Zuko?" Sokka asks, starting to get scared. Maybe he's pushed too hard now. Maybe he shouldn't have asked. Maybe – "Did you do that to yourself, Zuko?" He's heard of people doing things like that before, but he's never seen it like that, so raw and close and personal (and painful). And Zuko grunts and Sokka takes his arm again to look and Zuko just lets him this time, saying nothing. "It must have hurt," he mutters, running his hand over the big one at the top and making Zuko shiver.
"It healed," he says with a shrug. Sokka makes a face and traces the lines again, up and down and back and forth (what are you doing crazy water-boy?).
"Okay, that's cool," Sokka says (don't get mad again). And never having been very good at hiding his emotions, Zuko looks at him in surprise. "Seriously. I mean it. It's okay, or whatever," he says. And he finally lets go and Zuko looks at him with surprise and suspicion, but mostly small hope that he doesn't to believe because he's been let down too many times before. If they were girls, Sokka would hug him, but because they're not it seems weird. Sokka does it anyway.
"What are you doing?" Zuko sighs, awkwardly putting his hand on his (friend's?) back.
"It's called a hug. I know you don't do that in the Fire Nation because you are all not-human and whatnot," (Zuko decides he will not deign such a statement with a response) "But in the Water Tribe it's a display of . . . friendship. So yeah," he finishes lamely. "Maybe next you to feel like doing that, we could, I don't know, talk. Or something. Whatever," he says, pulling away and trying to retain something like dignity. They both look down at the scars on Zuko's arms again, and both feel a little sad.
"Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thanks," Zuko says. And then they awkwardly stand there for a few minutes, until Sokka splashes Zuko and asks if he can even swim being Fire Nation and all and Zuko jumps in (hell yeah I can swim and I can kick your ass in it too, just I like do in everything else) and splashes him back. And it's not quite, exactly, friendship, but it's the closest thing Zuko's ever had to a friend and that's good enough for him (Spirits Zuko what the hell Katara come quick Zuko is smiling and I think the world is ending!).