Michael sank down into the bean bag chair he'd thrown onto the floor, reaching forward to grab his controller and propping himself up on his elbows, looking at his TV intently, tongue poking slightly out of his mouth as he started the game. He frowned when it gave him the option of Two Players, and his gaze flickered toward the other bean bag where Jeremy usually sat when they played. His brown eyes stayed fixed on the bean bag in silence, remembering, thinking back to a happier time.
"Guys like us are cool in college!" Michael sang, rolling onto his back and letting his head fall back onto the bean bag, squinting at the TV. "Cool in college, won't be lame!"
"Dude, I know," Jeremy was laughing from beside him, trying to focus on the game, but Michael singing was distracting. And besides that, Michael wasn't really playing, since it was hard to play Apocalypse Of The Damned upside down, so Jeremy was kind of on his own. "I get it-"
"Guys like us are coooool in college!" Michael interrupted, and Jeremy chuckled and joined in.
"But we're not in college-"
"All the same!" Michael laughed, rolling onto his side to face him. "High school is wack, but we have each others' back, it's me and you-"
"We make it a two player game!" Jeremy sang along this time, and Michael grinned before picking his controller back up.
Michael closed his eyes, trying to control the whirl of emotions twisting inside him as he settled down, putting the controller down and shifting over to lay on his side, in the same position he'd been in that day. Yeah, Jeremy and him were friends again, but.. It seemed so tense. So… Different. Weird. Afraid. And neither of them were willing to address it.
But everything used to be so happy…
"You know that you are my favorite person," Jeremy sighed, setting his controller down before sitting back, pushing the blue bean bag over beside Michael's red one and settling down beside him, stretching out on his stomach and crossing his arms under his chest. "That doesn't mean that I can't still dream."
Michael studied him for a moment, before his lips curved up into a grin. "Is it really true?" He asked sweetly, moving closer and throwing one arm over him, resting his chin on Jeremy's shoulder. "I'm your favowite pewson~?"
"Yeah," Jeremy smiled, and Michael chuckled as his best friend reached up to ruffle his hair, before Jeremy wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer. "We're never not gonna be a team."
Michael laughed softly to himself at the memory, rolling onto his back and looking up at the dimly-lit ceiling. He blinked back the tears that had began to pool in his eyes, lips trembling as they set firmly into that soft, barely-seeable smile. Yeah, we're never not gonna be a team. Jeremy's words replayed in his head, and each time, they made his heart clench.
And it brought a bitter feeling that he didn't like. He didn't like because it was directed toward Jeremy. And the thoughts that ran through his head; What happened to that, Jeremy? Why'd you ditch me then? It's supposed to be a two player game. What good is a Player One without a Player Two? So why'd you leave me?
Maybe he was being a bit dramatic. After all, they were friends again, they played games, got stoned in Michael's basement on the weekends, did all the stuff they used to but it just wasn't the same. Every time Michael looked at Jeremy he couldn't help but think back to…
"Get out of my way…."
Michael shuddered, tears prickling back up in his eyes as the memory resurfaced. He tried not to think about it, he really did, but sometimes he just couldn't help it.
"...Loser."
Michael's teeth clenched tightly together and he swallowed, trying to push down the lump rising in his throat. Trying to push the tears back, blinking rapidly to clear his vision. He really needed to stop having these panic attacks. Especially when there wasn't a good reason. Jeremy was his best friend again. The Squip was gone. They were fine.
Michael wasn't fine.
Michael thought about it all the time. The way Jeremy just so effortlessly ditched him. And he couldn't help but be scared it was going to happen again. Do I really mean so little to him? He thought, his chest tightening, a sharp pain entering, stabbing at his heart. Am I really just a loser to him?
Yeah, here it was again. Jesus Christ. Great. This wasn't what he needed right now. Michael took in a shaky breath and pushed himself to sit up, soft tremors running through him, and tried to focus on something else. But, he realized as he looked around, everything reminded him of Jeremy. And thinking of Jeremy made him think of their friendship. And then the Squip. And then-
"Loser."
The pressure on his chest increased. Michael shook his head desperately, finding that it was getting harder to breathe. So he sat up completely and hunched over, head in his hands, gripping his hair tightly and fighting to breathe. His heart was pounding so wildly in his chest that it was starting to hurt.
Michael wished he would stop having attacks like this. They came so often now.
I tried, Michael thought, feeling like his heart stopped for a second before it picked up at rapid speed once more. I tried to be a good friend. I tried to help him. Why.. Why wasn't it good enough, why did he want to be cool, why did he leave me?
"Loser…"
He was a good friend. Why did Jeremy leave him for - For that - That thing?
Michael groaned, covering his face with his hands and pressing his fingers into his forehead, heart thudding. He eventually started counting the beats, how far apart they were, but he realized it only made it worse.
Somewhere, just vaguely, he heard a door open. It made him want to look up, but he couldn't seem to straighten up. If anything he just curled up more, his breathing coming in short, sharp gasps, fighting for air against the stifling darkness trying to pull him down and suffocate him.
"Hey, Michael-"
He heard the footsteps come to a stop instantly, and Michael hissed under his breath as he recognized the voice, pulling his glasses off to rub at his eyes, wiping the tears away and scrubbing his face dry.
"Jer, hey, just-" Michael cut off, taking in a shaky gasp as he fought for breath, shaking his head and rubbing at his eyes again. "Uh, give- Give me a sec,"
"Are you okay?" Jeremy was at his side now, a tentative hand resting on Michael's shoulder. Concern laced his voice, as well as confusion.
"Uh- No, no, not really," Michael admitted, inhaling sharply. "I just - God, Jer, I can't- I can't do this…"
"Can't do what?" Jeremy sounded completely confused at this point, and beyond concerned as he settled beside Michael.
"This." Michael hissed, squeezing his eyes shut. It was a little easier to breathe now, so that was good. The tears refused to stop, though. "I can't - I can't do the tension, I can't even - Even look at you without thinking-" He cut off, swallowing, and Jeremy went silent now.
"...Thinking what?"
"Loser."
Michael flinched and fell silent, struggling to stop the tears. This wasn't what he'd planned today. It went silent for several minutes as Michael fought to control himself, and with the right motivation, it wasn't too hard. Eventually he managed to stop crying, and steady his breathing, rubbing his eyes dry and putting the glasses back on.
"Mike?" Jeremy asked cautiously, watching him.
"I'm good," Michael assured, taking in a shaky breath and sitting back, clearing his throat and finally looking over at his best friend. Jeremy was sitting beside him on the bean bag chair, his eyes wide and concerned as he stared at Michael, and Michael offered a mostly forced, shaky smile to reassure him. "I'm good, Jer."
"You're not good." Jeremy muttered. "I know you. You don't get like this for no reason."
Yeah, Jer, Michael thought painfully, staring at him. You do know me. So you know how much it hurts to look at you, to remember…
"Get out of my way.."
Oh, God, it was coming back.
"Loser."
"I'm fine." Michael insisted quietly, looking down and knitting his fingers together, snapping his mouth shut and locking his jaws together.
Jeremy was silent for a while, but he didn't move from Michael's side, and Michael honestly had no objections to that. Finally, after a second, his best friend spoke up. "Michael… You can talk to me, you know that, right?"
Can I? Michael thought skeptically, that bitter feeling returning. But all he said was; "I know." He didn't know. He didn't think he could talk to Jeremy about anything anymore. Because he didn't want it to end in another yelling fight. He didn't want it to end in a "Get out of my way… Loser."
Michael let out a choked sound that was dangerously close to a sob, biting down as hard as possible on his bottom lip and squeezing his hands together tightly, digging his nails into his skin.
"Mikey…" Jeremy breathed, and suddenly, Michael felt Jeremy's arm loop around his, tugging gently, and he reluctantly released his hands and allowed Jeremy to move his arm away. Jeremy tugged Michael's arm around him before snaking his own arm around his best friend, shuffling closer. They were literally pressed side to side now.
Michael didn't want to lean closer but he didn't want to pull away. God, he probably looked so pitiful right now. So weak. So useless. So helpless. So much like a…
"Loser.."
Michael took in a shaky breath and shook his head, shifting over slightly. Jeremy's grip seemed to tighten around him, thinking he was trying to pull away, and Michael felt a small spark of warmth in his chest at the protectiveness he seemed to be displaying despite himself.
Maybe everything would be okay after all.
Michael sighed, his gaze flickering toward Jeremy hesitantly. Jeremy was just staring down at him silently, his eyes filled with compassion and warmth and concern and affection and a deep protectiveness.
The spinning world slowed to a stop. Everything seemed fine now. He was with his best friend.
Michael blinked back the tears blurring his gaze, dropping his eyes to stare down at his hand, silently rubbing his shirt between two fingers. "M'sorry." He said suddenly, his voice muffled somehow, a single tear escaping and slipping down his cheek.
"Sorry?" Jeremy said in disbelief, and suddenly Michael felt his thumb brush against his cheek. The touch made him flinch at first, startled, but he relaxed almost instantly when he remembered it was just Jeremy. "Why are you sorry?" Jeremy asked softly as he brushed the tear away.
"I'm just…" Michael struggled to think of a word. To describe it. A baby. An idiot. "...A loser.."
After a few seconds of silence, he heard a soft click and paused, glancing up. Jeremy's eyes had darkened now, his teeth gritting together as he slowly pieced the puzzle together. Michael tensed, then started to move away. The last time he'd seen Jeremy look like that, look so pissed off…
"Get out of my way, loser."
But Jeremy's arms locked around him. Like a cage, holding him firmly in place, not allowing even the slightest movement. But it wasn't uncomfortable. It felt… Safe, somehow.
"No," Jeremy muttered, his voice rumbling slightly like a growl. The same tone he'd used way back in the bathroom at the Halloween party. "Michael… I'm.." He trailed off, and the anger melted slightly. "..I'm sorry.."
"Jer," Michael said cautiously, his voice seeming to grow softer. "It's - It's fine, really. I.." He trailed off, swallowing, and shook his head. "I'm… I'm fine."
Jeremy gave a soft, mirthless laugh which was really more of a scoff, shaking his head side to side. "Yeah. Fine." He echoed. "Because you totally look fine." His voice was dry, completely devoid of any emotion.
Michael flinched slightly and fell silent now, shrugging and looking down again. Jeremy sighed, then tugged him closer.
"I'm sorry," Jeremy said quietly, resting his chin on Michael's shoulder. "I'm not… Trying to make you upset." He let out another laugh, but this one had more emotion than before, mostly sadness. "God, Michael, I feel like shit. I'm sorry."
"I just-" Michael felt his chest tighten again, pressure returning. "I-It just hurt, you know? Y-You said - We'd always be a te-team, a-and then.." And that's when he cut off, choking back more tears and shaking his head.
"I know," Jeremy's voice was thick with regret, and his thumb brushed lightly across Michael's cheek, rubbing the falling tears away. "I know."
"You do know." Michael said shakily, the bitterness returning now. But he couldn't help it and he didn't try to stop it. He had to get it out somehow. "Y-You knew it would hurt, and yo-you still said it," A small tremor went through him, breathing hitching slightly. "B-But it doesn-n't matter, does it? I-It was the tr-ruth.."
"No, no, Michael," Jeremy breathed, shaking his head desperately. "It wasn't. It wasn't the truth, oh, God, not at all.."
"Then wh-why?" Michael asked in despair, letting out a soft, emotionless chuckle and shaking his head. "Why d-did you j-just l-leave me like th-that? D-Did - Am - Oh God, Jer," He cut off, inhaling sharply and holding his breath for a few seconds before exhaling slowly. "Wh-Why…"
Jeremy was silent and Michael should feel him shaking slightly now as well, close to tears himself, and he felt a twinge of guilt. He hadn't meant to make Jeremy cry. Jeremy took a deep breath and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Mikey," he whispered. "I really am. I can't.." He trailed off. "I can't take back what I said, what I did, but… I'm so, so sorry."
He was met with silence.
And then; "You know that you are my favorite person," Michael inhaled sharply before letting the breath out slowly. "Even if you did go a bit extreme.."
Jeremy was shaking again, but this time with silent laughter as he buried his face into Michael's shoulder, closing his eyes. "Is it really true?" He muffled, his voice raising almost teasingly. "I'm your favowite pewson?"
Michael laughed shakily and nodded, nuzzling his head slightly against Jeremy's. "Yeah," He whispered. "And I never want us to not be a team.."
"We'll always be a team." Jeremy mumbled, opening his eyes to look at him intently, and Michael turned his head slightly to look at him. Jeremy tilted his head. "'Cause life is shit, and you gotta help me get through it."
Michael blinked back the tears in his eyes and offered a soft smile at him. "It's just what we do,"
Jeremy chuckled gently, squeezing Michael's shoulder gently and nodding solemnly, gazing at him. Michael's smile made him smile instinctively. The tension was gone. It felt normal. "It's just what we do." He agreed softly.
"We make it a two player game."